Jimin's P.O.V
////
-WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON-
Wanting and Needing.
One always being confused with the another, and both possibly being mistaken for the latter. They were two topics that intertwined like twisted tree roots that jumbled over another; it was a messy, befuddling topic to meander about. A forest filled with overgrown branches and unanswered questions that you could get lost in. To me, the answer seemed rather unambiguous.
Wanting, wasn't always necessary. Wanting, could be selfish and insensitive. Wanting, could be any type of indulgence for countless purposes.
But needing... Truly needing something. That was a far-out question.
When do you really need something or someone?
When does it ever appear in one's mind that there is something you need for yourself?
What does it take for someone to finally need something that has been calling their name for far too long, possibly something that they have been ignoring?
And of course, that always depended on the topic, it depended on the subject, on what's at stake and what's at hand. Whatever you gain or whatever you lose.
What makes this 'simple' topic so fuzzy and hilariously frustrating, is that I found why the roots have been tumbled, why the growth of the tree in my mind had been stunted. I had finally figured out that I could potentially be right in the middle, the gray area of wanting and needing.
Jeon Jungkook, a strange man for sure.
What's even more odd is that when I look at him, that gray area seems to widen from a narrow strip into a large pool, gouging into my thought patterns without any remorse.
And that's where I was left.
Where I was left to decide for myself if Jungkook was someone I wanted... Or if he was someone I needed in life.
I had tried a few times to comprehend who Jungkook really was on the inside. And now that I've gotten a glimpse, it was relentless. The idea, the topic, the words never leaving my head.
Who was Jungkook to me?
Did I need him?
Did I want him?
And if either of those are determined in the future...
Would it be so cruel and selfish to feel those things?
Those same statements were jumbling and buzzing, causing an inescapable rant on the inside of my brain. My bottom row of teeth clasping the pink flesh of my lower lip nervously as my fingers wrapped the around the bend of the leather steering wheel in my grasp. I was racing-at my own desired pace-down the highway on my way home from a hectic day at work. The only thing that made the impending future so unfair was the fact of that the day hadn't ended
My eomma and I had made a deal just the day before about coming to visit more often, and of course, I only agreed because of the circumstances I was trapped in-most of the feelings I had back then were new and unexplainable as they still are now. Yesterday was an overplayed song that was on a continuous loop; its lyrics were infiltrated with important arguments and impossible to miss messages. One of those messages are what I needed to accomplish today.
I needed to make an effort to change myself on my own.
And if that means being cooped inside of a car with my eomma and Jungkook for a day, then I guess I would have to endure it.
With all the concentration I had left in my being, I kept on down the road only to turn into my apartment complex's entry. My heart was heavy with restraint of it being in my chest as I was beating so harshly. The pace of my breathing was picking up swiftly. My palms inside of my gloves were beginning to perspire, prompting to me to find my usual parking space and unveil my hands from the pink plastic.
I wiggled my fingers to loosen the tension within them, reaching for my workbag and pulling out a small wipe to cleanse my hands and finally exit my car with my belongings.
I padded my way to my unit, my lungs burned with intensity as I came to the front metal door of my apartment. Knowing the door to be unlocked-as Jungkook would leave it 'just in case of emergency'-- I twisted the door knob to the sound of hype-music booming from the opposite side of the place. I let out a small breath of relief, he's busy as of now.
Poking and prodding those questions were.
How should bring this up to Jungkook?
Will he accept this request?
I closed the door behind me, taking off my shoes and carrying them in hands to my room. I sat my work bag down on the floor next to my shoes.
Although it was unusual of me to think such things, my limbs were aching to rest, and my mind begging to be shut off. I trailed over to my bed and took a seat, falling back on the rosy sheets until my consciousness felt blank of interrogation.
////
Possibly hours later, my eyes and ears were opened up to the world. The small pound from just a few feet away, behind my door, the knocking of what was to come.
A muffled voice trickled after the last knock, a familiarity; yet, it still made my heart pick up its speed. It sounded that of a pop-tune from the early 2000's. Wiping at the lid of my eyes with a soft touch, my skin tingling, I noticed that I was still in my work attire.
"Hey... I've been out here singing Britney Spears for like ten minutes-I know, I know, my voice is like an angel-But the door isn't locked, and if something's wrong, you have to let me know, okay?" I rose up from my laying position to look at the closed door. My mind was beginning to unclear enough for me to respond.
"Everything is fine. There's no need for your entry." Jungkook's silence was broken with a small whine from the other side.
"Really?" I sighed, fighting back an eye roll.
"Yes really, Jungkook." Suddenly, a nonsensical thought brushed my imagination of Jungkook's face just beyond the door; I thought about how he'd be pouting about now like a child and how he'd always be thinking of what to say next.
"If there's anything you have to say to me-princess? Can you hear me?" I shook my head, reluctantly removing myself from my bedsheets to pave my way to the unlocked door of my room.
Once I was close enough, I opened the door to see the taller male looking down at me with his lips pressed together, revealing a small mole underneath his bottom lip. I suppressed a smile before replying.
"I could hear you plenty, Jungkook."
The younger male blinked his eyes rapidly as if he was awakening from a tranquil dream. "I really like when you say my name, you know?"
I crossed my arms, correcting my posture. "How long have you really been standing here?"
He grins, "guess."
"Mh, an hour and a half?"
Jungkook's shoulders were raised to his ears as he chuckled. "Uh, no... You got home around five, it's not even six. Good try though, princess."
Just then, a ringing from nothing other than my cellphone stuck behind me. Jungkook's eyes peeked over the top of my head. He arched a brow at me. "Are you gonna pick that up?"
Just say it, Jimin.
There's no logical reason that you shouldn't.
Everything should be fine.
I sucked in a large breath as the words were forming on the tip of my tongue. I briefly closed my eyes before speaking. "I have a very important question to ask you."
Jungkook's pupils dilate, his playful exterior now fading and transforming into a deeply concerned expression. "What's up, babe?"
"You-" I paused to swallow my stubborn tendencies, making a break for a risky decision. I backed away from Jungkook's looming, turning around to walk over to my bed and grab my phone, "-you may step inside for a few minutes."
Jungkook's feet shuffled against the carpet as he traveled into the room silently. Pivoting, I made eye contact with Jungkook who stood in the middle of the room with his hands placed behind his back as if to present himself to me like he was a loyal subject.
I glanced down at my screen to see that my missed call had been from my mother. I frowned slightly at the thought of having to ignore her once more, only prompting me to get this situation cleared even quicker.
I looked up from the device. "Okay... There a few things that I need to explain first before I ask a small question."
He nodded, "I'm all ears, my princess."
My eyes naturally darted away from the man, panning around for a distraction as I began.
"As you know... I had a talk with my eomma yesterday. And that conversation was-to put it lightly-it was challenging... And-and I explained to you that after she saw your face, she couldn't stop talking about you..." It was pounding in my ears; my heart, my thoughts, the words of my eomma. Spinning and spiraling, my mind was dizzy again. So, I pushed diligently to the finish line, "... After speaking to me, she expressed her remorse and... She told her reasons for meeting with me."
Jungkook tilted his head, his eyes narrowed. "Jimin, you don't have to say what it-"
"I have to..." I mumbled, catching Jungkook off guard.
But in all honesty, I was apprehensive.
I was unsure of how this would play out.
But every time...
Every time Jungkook and I are together, for seconds, or for hours... It's like starting over--
a clean slate with no judgment.
Standing in front of him now... It was nearly impossible not to speak my mind.
So, I repented.
I stood valorously to better myself.
With my head held high, I was going to evolve. Even if it was just through tiny intervals or miniscule increments. After wishing for so long to be different, after hoping that one day I could blend in. Today was going to be a remarkable one.
And this time, I had the ability.
I had all of the control.
This time, I was ready.
Jungkook's expression softened as he waited patiently for me to continue.
"My eomma isn't doing well. She... Has an illness... Ovarian cancer to be exact. And after meeting, she told me how she wanted to make things right with me before heading to the hospital on Thursday." I concluded, watching as Jungkook moved closer out of habit, stopping himself when he was only a foot away from me.
"Ah... I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I would've known that yesterday. You could've spent more time with her." Jungkook apologies, his voice damp and dragging from the hurtful, atmosphere depleting news.
My eyebrows furrowed at his tone. "No, I- everything that happened yesterday was fine. If anything- I should thank you... For bringing me to her in the first place. Because now there is something I have to ask of you."
"Don't thank me... It was your decision. What's going on?" He said, not claiming his part in the process.
A strange, strange man he is.
"Well then, if there isn't a way to thank you..." Jungkook held out both of his hands to me, his palms facing upward for me to take hold of. I brought my hands to his moments later, the friction of his skin on mine was prickling. Static was flowing through my veins, it was a calm and steady form of stimulation, a confusing one as well.
"Would you like to officially meet her? She asked if I could bring you. It'll make my eomma's day if she finally got to speak to you." A slow, easing smile spread across Jungkook's thin lips, his pearly bunny-like teeth jutting out exuberantly.
Our fingers intertwined, the younger tightening his hold, pulling me forward only a few inches to whisper an obliging response.
"As you wish, your majesty. But..." My eyes opened wider at Jungkook sly smirk coming up as he leaned back, "while we're out- you're letting me pay for everything."
"Why should I?"
"Because, princess..." Jungkook shook our joined hands as he beamed brightly, "hospital bills don't come cheap. So, let me do this."
His warm palms slipped from my grasp, I gasped lightly. "You're so weird."
He shrugged nonchalantly. "I know... But isn't that why you like me?"
My conscious had completely disappeared in that exact moment. Mindless and unguarded, I stood there speechless for seconds on end-- I was getting closer and closer to the edge of a cliff, and had one foot in midair.
So close to falling.
A scorching heat swept over my cheek bones, radiating to my ears and completely inflaming the tips of them.
"You're-- you don't know what you're--"
"Don't have to, babe," he threw a fleetly wink, a smile like no other appear, his eyes were gleaming with fondness. The taller man stepped up, this time the gap between us was shortened. I kept still, my neck and shoulders turning to stone. His larger right hand comes into view, raising it up to my face. His fingers then brushed the loose strands of hair that hung in front of my forehead.
His eyes held me captive, stricken only to stare.
"I can see it."
I was losing my balance, and I could feel it.
////
Showering took longer than expected due to my declining focus. My skin had been hot to the touch even after drying off and getting dressed.
I made sure call my eomma back not long afterward to give her the heads-up about what was to come. As I expected from her, she sounded as if she wanted break out into tears when I revealed that was bringing Jungkook along. My lips twisted into a faint smile as I remembered her joyful wailing about not being able to wait to spend the day with the both of us going shopping.
I arranged that we would be around to pick her up at around 6:30, and looking down at the alarm I set for 6 o'clock, it was time to start heading out.
My outfit was simple. It only harbored a fuchsia track suit and pair of comfortable sneakers. I knew we weren't going to be out for just a few minutes, so I decided to dress in something that I wouldn't regret fifteen minutes into a car ride.
I brushed my hair into side part and I grabbed my house and car keys along with my phone before heading out of my room and walked to Jungkook's. I huffed, as I knocked the wooden door impatiently.
"I planned for us to be gone around this time. I won't allow you to drive if you don't finish up." Shuffling and grunts came from the behind the door.
"Okay, okay-I'm almost done just--" the door swings open after a few muffled complaints to Jungkook stand in front of me wearing a pair of black skinny jeans and a plain white t-shirt tucked inside properly. In his hands were two different jackets, one red and one black.
He held up the two jackets on either side of his torso. "Which one do you think is better? Now keep in mind--" He shakes the black jacket, the leather material shimmering, "-- I'm sexier in black, but I look badass in red."
Why did he always have to be like this?
A couple of prediction flashed through my mind of Jungkook wearing each one. I tried not to picture anything too detailed until Jungkook asked something of me.
"Hold up- can you hold this for a second? I'm gonna try this one on." I grabbed onto the red jacket to see Jungkook throwing on the black leather jacket.
Once he fixed it to his liking, he ran a hand though his perfectly styled hair, his chin tilted upward and a knowing grin overtook his lips.
"Hot, am I right?" I swallowed absentmindedly.
"That one is fine." I stated, my eyes were having trouble staying stationary on his face.
"Okay... I'll take it off so you can stop fantasizing and hand me the car keys." Jungkook said as he removed the jacket from his shoulders slowly.
I tried to catch my breath enough to hand him the keys without a second thought. He takes them with a chuckle. "Relax, I'm only teasing... But tell me, what does fantasy me look like in your mind? Does he kiss you--"
I took a step backward, shaking my head. "No, he doesn't--" I had to stop myself, not even paying any mind to my own words.
"What was that?" He questions, my lips slapped shut, "Nuh-uh, I heard you say something--"
"It was a mistake- don't think anything of it." I replied hurriedly, turning away to walk off without further embarrassing myself.
What is going on with me today?
Why did I let something like that slip from me?
"Let's go. It's way past six now." I demanded, and Jungkook agreed as he followed behind me moments before I approached the door to exit.
When we got to the car Jungkook was bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Want to listen to some music?"
"No thank you, just get us to my eomma's safely." He scoffed after starting the car and waiting before reversing out of the parking spot.
"Any idea what your eomma might have in mind for us when we get there? Should I have brought something?" I straightened up in my seat, looking out of the window aimlessly.
"She likes to shop. So, I think it would be good to take her somewhere big--"
"Shopping mall, got it." Jungkook affirmed as we pulled onto the street.
"You are excited about this." I confirmed, seeing the way he was so focused on every aspect of this idea. He then brought out his phone to use as a GPS.
"Well yeah-you know? Like I was a fucking dip-shit to my eomma, and I can't undo that, so- I don't know, it's complicated." He abruptly concluded, not wanting to roll into the depth of reasoning.
But I couldn't the fact I wanted to know.
"Have you... Contacted your eomma since you moved here? Are you on good terms with her?" The younger man hummed as we came up halt at a red light.
"Yeah, a few times. She asks me how I'm doing and about the progress I've been making with my gaming career. And she loves me-and I'm grateful. Just... There are times where I looked at her and wondered how she could love her son even though I was so shitty..." He trailed off as his eyes were trained on the road.
"Love is supposed to be unconditional between family. Her blood runs in your veins... It's an unbreakable bond. I believe your eomma had that same thought. It's possible she thought your behavior would pass." Jungkook fell quiet until he had a way to reply.
"You think my eomma understood me, even through all of that?" His inquiry sounded as if was more of a beg for an answer.
"You'd have to ask her directly for the truth, but in my eyes- from what I've heard. Your eomma cares a lot for you. And she trusted that you'd navigate your way through life and turn out fine... In my opinion, your eomma was wise. I think it is safe to say you're doing exceptionally well for yourself, Jungkook." Jungkook hummed, a small laugh emitting soon after.
"I remember when I was just a stranger to you... Breaking your glasses, and making you fall. And if I compared that to how things are now... I'd say I did an alright job too, princess... I'm sure she'd get a kick out of meeting you." The ball of silence was now in my court, and there were words that I couldn't say forming in my head.
"Meeting me? What's so great about getting to meet me?" I asked, truly wondering what he thought about that day we had ran into each other, or even the first time he saw me in person.
"You're just everything. I don't think there's a thing about you to dislike. Even if you break down once in a while, you get back up the next day and get dressed, you're like this unstoppable force. And even when you cry, you're beautiful, when you smile your eyes do that cute crescent thing- and the moment you open them up they sparkle... You say what you mean- even if you mess up, and when you do, I can't help but grin at how freaking adorable you look when you're correcting yourself..." He let out a long sigh and sucked his teeth as if this was his millionth time explaining this to me.
He continued with a softer volume. "Because when I'm with you alone, I want it to last longer. And when I talk to you-like right now- I want it to go on for as long we could carry it so I can hear your pretty voice... And just because of that... I think she'd love you too."
"You're always saying things like that. Talking about me like I'm some-"
"Goddess? Princess? Savior?" He filled in, "I know, it's a habit. Call me crazy, but I mean it. Every word."
Somehow, it always beguiled me.
Because even when I try to ignore the fact that I was standing on a cliff.
Losing my balance.
A step away from plummeting.
To where I didn't know.
But it was all my doing... All of it was.
Getting lost in the forest of questions only to come to a cliff.
No matter how much control I had, with every waking and passing moment I felt myself toppling over the edge without thinking...
Without knowing...
Flying downward infinitely...
Never landing.
"Hey, her house is somewhere on this street, right? Hope I didn't pass it up." Jungkook asked, looking at the passing houses in the area. I noticed the street way immediately, forcing my head back into reality.
"Yes, it's just up head... That one." Jungkook slowed the car as we approach the house from yesterday.
I unbuckled my seatbelt as Jungkook began to talk. "Does she know that I'm tagging along or should like- hide somewhere to surprise her with purple confetti?"
"Yes, she does know you are coming. Do you have confetti somewhere? Don't tell me--" Jungkook let out a sigh of relief with an amused giggle.
"No, I don't have any on me right now. I try to keep it on my person and at all times but... I forgot. Anyways... We gotta go, right? Let's go then." Jungkook joked, taking out the keys just before opening his car door and exiting just to open mine on the other side.
I got out of the vehicle and Jungkook shut the door for me as I stared at my eomma's house. Determination filled in my short breaths as I walked onward. Jungkook scurried to my side, his breathy words swarming next to my ear.
"You look even prettier when you're fearless. Your tiara is especially shiny today, your highness." I bit the inside of my cheek to warn myself to keep my mouth in check. We neared my eomma's door, climbing the small steps to the entry.
"You're really acting different today. Is there something I should be preparing myself for later?" I whispered as Jungkook reached his hand out to knock on the door.
"I don't know..." I returned my eyes to the door if my eomma's home.
"Maybe it's just because-" there was a strange pause, followed by a exhale from Jungkook's side.
"- I'm in love with you."
I froze.
The door to my mother house swung open split seconds later. My eomma's figure and face coming into view.
I couldn't move a muscle.
All of the control I had left was withered away and watered down.
Do my ears deceive me?
Could it be that it's true?
"Ah-- you two! I'm so happy to see you here. Thank you for coming." My eomma cheered in her fancy get up being a floral gown, a fur coat, and a modest amount of makeup.
"It was no problem, happy to be here." Jungkook confessed as I was still blinking away from what happed just a minute ago.
"I'm in love with you..."
I glanced over to Jungkook who was making small talk with my eomma.
Did he mean to say that?
Was he only joking?
Something in my gut told me to believe it.
Something told me that taking that nosedive from the cliff of reality wasn't a wrong move.
Something had spoken to me.
Telling me that falling was okay.
Something--
"Jimin, are you okay? You seem a bit dazed." My eomma asked, shaking me from my blanked state.
"Uh, I-yes. I'm okay." She grinned whole-heartedly.
"Well, that's great. If you don't mind, I think it would be best if we got going now." She insisted as Jungkook allowed her some space to descend the staircase.
I watched her back as she headed toward the car. "Hey, I think we need to catch up. Your chariot awaits."
I nodded slowly and followed after my eomma. It was all to feel the breeze against my back. Jungkook wasn't trailing right behind me as always.
When I had finally reached my eomma's side she glanced at me with a soft grin. "Thank you for this son, I don't think I could've asked for anything else."
Before I was able to respond, multiple small buzzes went off inside of my pocket. I quickly grabbed my phone to look at the notification.
Jungkook had been texting me. Its sequence was one after another, almost as if they were sending automatically.
_______
-TEXT MESSAGE-
JM= Park Jimin
JK= Jeon Jungkook
JK: If you don't believe me, I understand.
JK: But I feel it every time we talk, princess.
JK: It's getting harder to ignore every day.
JK: I stayed up last night thinking about you.
JK: And I thought about how I would say this over and over and how it would end.
JK: So here it goes...
JK: I, Jeon Jungkook, want to make you smile 😊.
JK: I want to make you laugh so hard that you forget everything and just kiss me 😂😚.
JK: I want to take you out and show you off to the world, to my eomma, and to myself 🌏.
JK: I want to say that I found love 🔍❤️.
JK: You may not think it's true, because I showed up on at your door on a random Saturday afternoon after borrowing my friend's truck just to move in 🛻📦.
JK: But it's been the only thing I can think about anymore 💭.
JK: I know I'm a weirdo 😋.
JK: And I broke your glasses 👓.
JK: And I take up a lot of your time 🕧.
JK: But I know now.
JK: Forgive me if this is too much.
JK: I'm in love with you, Park Jimin. I think have been since I first saw you.🌹💘.
_______
"Jimin, sweetheart? Are you alright? Really if you're not feeling well--" My eomma turned on her heel and tried to reassure me before we could leave, but I knew I couldn't abandon this.
But I had to gain back my control.
"Eomma, could you wait in the car for a moment? I promise I'll be right there, I just--"
"It's okay, it's okay. There's something you need to take care of..." She leaned forward to whisper, "I think I know what it is, my boy, go ahead."
I nodded. "Yeah... Thank you."
My eomma then opened the passenger door and took the seat, she waved at me before I turned around to face what I needed to.
Jungkook stood several feet away, the fall winds bristled my face as I could see his smile. He took one step down from the patio, so I took a step as well.
And I didn't stop to think.
I didn't pause to calculate a single movement.
Charging forward as Jungkook did the same, my eyes tearing up and blurring.
Jungkook was such a strange man...
So unorthodox...
So different than me.
And it didn't stop me.
No...
It couldn't stop me...
Jungkook and I stood only inches away this time, the body heat of only us trapped in-between. Our eyes locked together, our bodies idle, yet I knew both of our minds where racing.
"Do I have to say it again?" Jungkook asked, his tone warm and tender as he quirked an eyebrow.
Jungkook's hand came to my face for second time today, stroke the side of my face. The sound of my heart overthrew my hearing, but the words of the dark-haired male weren't even close to being blocked out.
"I've fallen in love with you, Park Jimin."
Falling from up high seems scary to many.
Plummeting into the unknown was terrifying for most.
But right know.
I didn't know fear or phobia
I didn't know right or wrong.
Want or Need.
I felt.
I could only feel.
"I think--" I blinked away the tears, "-- I think I did too."
Jungkook began nodding. "Yeah?"
"Yeah... I-yeah."
"Then I can-"
"Please?"
I didn't know fear or phobia.
I didn't know right or wrong.
Want or need.
I could only feel.
His lips were on mine in an instant, sending shockwaves up my spine as his arms circled my waist. My entire being trembled under his touch, his lips were like a treasure. My hands came up to his jacket, tugging on the leather.
Jungkook was the first to pull back, his nose resting beside my own.
"Is it selfish that I don't want to let go?" Jungkook asked, his breath hitting my cheek bone.
"We would freeze if you didn't."
Jungkook snickered. "I think I'd like that."
////
A/N: SOOO... HOW WAS IT?
I hope this was worth the wait. I really need your opinion so far on the story since we're getting closer to the end! I had planned so they kissed later, but I felt it should happen around this time!
Q: YOUR THOUGHTS ON JUNGKOOK ACCEPTING JIMIN'S REQUEST?
Q: FEELINGS ABOUT THE FIRST JIKOOK KISS?
Q: PREDICTIONS ON THE REST OF THEIR EVENING?
Q: IS THE PACING TOO FAST OR TOO SLOW? (I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW IF I SHOULD REWRITE).
Well, as you guys know...
You'll just have to wait and see for the next chapter!
Love you guys!
HAPPY VALENTIENES DAY!
XxxS