QOTD: fluff, fluff and angst, or angst. pick one 🧍
Rylan didn't hug or kiss me goodbye and I didn't expect him to. But somehow, it still hurt. I didn't expect anything less, not after explaining everything to them.
"My mom's having me see a therapist." I mumbled. My fingers threaded through the rips in my jeans, just so I wouldn't have to look at them. "She, um- my therapist doesn't think I should talk to you for a little while."
Along with my mom, I talked to Penelope this morning. I didn't want to, but I couldn't exactly refuse when I cried to my mom about everything. It wasn't how I wanted to tell her about Rylan.
She didn't react when I told her I wasn't just dating Kyler. There's two of them, I told her and she only said okay and helped me calm down before I had a panic attack.
I wanted to tell her about how happy the two of them made me, how they're the first people to ever like me as I am, and how much they've changed me- but I couldn't. At least not right now, maybe when I get home.
Right now, her assumptions about them probably weren't the best.
"For how long?" Rylan asked and I could tell. I could tell they both didn't like this break we were taking. Because no matter how pretty I decorated the word, it was still just that, a break.
"I don't know." I admitted, feeling guilty. "She said we'll try a week at first and if I'm okay then to try another."
A week with absolutely no contact. No seeing each other, no texts, no calls, nothing. Just thinking about it made me want to take back everything I said and somehow pretend this whole thing never happened.
A whole week, seven full days. I could barely go the night without seeing them. I didn't feel like I was going to be okay, but I didn't have a choice anymore.
I told them already, there's no taking it back. I want to get better, I pulled out a thread and rolled it between my finger. I'm so tired of being sad- I want to be happy too.
Their silence was loud and it made me feel nauseous. "I can ask her." I rushed out, suddenly regretting ever talking to Penelope. "If we just text it should be fine. I'll ask her."
To show them and hopefully break their silence, I went to grab my phone. Kyler stopped me. "It's okay." Each pretty finger wrapped around my wrist and set it back on my lap. "She probably knows what's best, it's good to listen to her." The words weren't forced and they were genuine enough but it was easy to see he didn't want to say it.
I'm sorry, I didn't say.
If I were in their position, I would've reacted much worse. And that's partly why I did it. Taking a break from them before they could take a break from me would be easier. It still hurt so, so much, but it would hurt a thousand times worse if they were the ones to do it.
Their support, though a bit silent, made me feel worse. To selfishly make myself feel better, I wanted them to blame me, get upset, maybe mad, just anything. But no, of course they were understanding.
"It's just at first, she said." I nervously picked out another thread from my jeans. "And then when I'm used to being.. alone, I can start texting and calling you."
This, apparently, wasn't the right thing to say. They both had similar reactions, somehow subtle and obvious all at once. My ears flattened.
They probably thought what I did. It's going to take more than a week for that to happen. It's been building inside of me for months, maybe even years, this fear of being alone and abandoned. A week doesn't feel like nearly enough.
Rylan hummed softly and nodded. "That's fine." But it wasn't and we all knew it.
I wanted to promise I'd text and call whenever I could, I'll text you as soon as I get home, I wanted to say, but then I'd be lying again. I don't want to lie to them anymore.
I just want to get better. To do that, I can't keep looking for them in every aspect in my life. If we try a long distance relationship, I know I'll still be obsessed with everything about them.
I'll look for any texts every few minutes, I'll leave constant calls, check their location, and always worry about if they're with someone else. Maybe when I'm a little better I'll be able to handle texting them again. But right now, I didn't think I was.
"I want to do it right." I told them quietly. "So then I can get better faster."
Rylan squeezed my ankle. "I know." He pulled back and my heart ached. It was already happening, I realized sadly. No more affectionate touches.
So no, Rylan didn't hug or kiss me goodbye and Kyler didn't hold my hand on the way home. I held my own and tried not to cry.
-
"I'm gonna miss your dog." Lucas pursed his lips and loudly asked Sammy for a kiss. "Just leave him here."
"No." I mumbled while folding a shirt. Neat enough, I dropped it into my suitcase and moved onto the next piece of clothing. "He's coming with me."
"Have you considered rethinking that?"
"No."
The words leave me alone lingered on the tip of my tongue but they were quickly swallowed. I didn't want to be alone, especially not the night before I leave. Somehow, Lucas knew this.
Lucas sat on the floor with Sammy rolled out beside him while they played together. We talked as I folded my clothes and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was distracted from our break, even just for a few minutes.
"Who knows~ We might get a new roommate."
I frowned at him. "I'm still paying rent while I'm gone."
"Really? Then we'll get double the amount with a new person."
"Kyler wouldn't do that."
"Yeah, yeah." Lucas petted Sammy. "Your boyfriends love you so much~ I know."
I wish, I thought as I pressed another shirt into my suitcase. "..Have you talked to Rylan?"
He hummed softly and nodded. "Can't tell you what he said."
"I wasn't going to ask." I mumbled harshly, but I was.
Lucas threw Sammy's toy and watched him run across the room to fetch it. He was rewarded with a small treat and head pat. "Nothing bad. He just.." Lucas focused on how to word it properly, "feels like you guys broke up."
My hands stilled around a shirt before I forced myself to keep folding. Me too, I didn't say. It's only been two days since we've started this break, but it felt more like we broke up. Maybe there's not a difference between the two.
Our texts were limited, our contact even more so.
Kyler still made me breakfast, but we didn't go for our morning runs, and he was gone by the time I woke up. We didn't sleep together and we simply brushed by each other when we had to.
It was sad and my fault so I didn't feel like I was allowed to feel sad. I was so scared of ruining our relationship but I feel like I already did. Of course I managed to fuck it up while trying to fix it.
I hated myself more every day. I was getting used to this feeling. Maybe I'll be numb to it soon.
"Are you okay?" Lucas asked, suddenly sounding serious. It was unusual and had me pausing. "Like- actually okay. You don't have to lie."
I thought about it but ultimately, lying was easier. I didn't care about lying to Lucas. "I'm fine." And then I kept folding shirts, "..Thanks."
"You better not leave long enough where Sammy forgets me."
"He wouldn't forget you, he's a dog."
"I'll be heartbroken if he does."
There was a knock at my opened door and my chest suddenly hurt again. Kyler never knocks, he usually just walks in and announces his presence.
Lucas stood up after showering Sammy with a few more head pats and came over to me. I looked up in question and felt my ears flatten when he patted my head too. "See you."
I watched him leave after mumbling a small 'bye' and felt bad for all the times I genuinely didn't like him. Because I felt jealous. It made me want to try harder, get better and not let my emotions control me so easily.
Lucas mumbled something to Kyler on his way out. Kyler side eyed him silently and moved out of the way, but didn't respond.
My breath almost hitched when the door clicked shut and we were left alone. He didn't say anything right away, he simply watched me fold clothes while my ears slowly turned pink. "Do you need help?" He finally asked, coming over.
I could've said no but then we'd just be awkwardly waiting for each other to say something, so I nodded. Subtle relief showed in the way his shoulders dropped and I wondered if he felt as nervous as I did.
Kneeling down, he put more than enough space between us for me to feel comfortable. I didn't know if I wanted him farther away or closer. It was the latter.
We folded clothes in silence for much too long, longer than what felt right. I was grateful and upset for it all at once.
He finally broke the silence, low voice filtering into my ears, "You're leaving tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah." I answered quietly. "It'll be before you wake up."
He nodded slowly and set a pair of jeans into my suitcase. They were folded neatly and smoothed of any creases. "And your dad is getting you?"
"Yeah, I was going to take the bus but I have Sammy."
"I'm sorry." He suddenly blurted out. My hands paused. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, but I could feel his gentle gaze on me. "I know I already said it, but.." he looked away, "I've been thinking about it for the past couple days."
I didn't want to hear him apologize. It hurt and made it harder for me to leave. "I should've asked how you were doing before you started feeling like this. I knew you weren't.." Stable, my mind supplied. "..always okay with being without us."
"Don't apologize." I mumbled, moving onto my sweaters. "I'm happy with you, so you wouldn't notice if I wasn't. It's not your job to make sure I'm okay either."
He wasn't folding anymore, I noticed. "You must've felt left out when we went on our date. I feel like shit about that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean.." He trailed off and I understood.
"You didn't." I denied, and meant it. "I'm not- I didn't feel left out, I don't feel jealous over you two. It's about being alone, not left out. And that's my problem, not something you can control." I hoped he understood. "I'm happy that you guys spent time together." And then I ruined it.
I wanted him to stop looking at me, it was only so easy to pretend I was okay and not break down in front of him. I'm gonna miss him so much. It's been almost a year since I first met him at the gym. Just two more months and it'll be a year.
Even then, he made me feel so happy, like I could accomplish anything I wanted to.
"I'm still sorry for not ever asking how you were."
"I'm sorry for not telling you."
I took the stars down from my ceiling. All that remained was the tacky tape I couldn't get off. It didn't bother me as much as the stars did so I left it. Maybe when I get back, I'll put something else up there.
With nothing left to fold, we were forced to fully acknowledge each other. I wanted to know why he came in here, if maybe there was a reason, but couldn't bring myself to ask.
So I stared at his hands and remembered how warm they felt in mine. "Sorry I made you feel like you were alone when you loved us." His voice was soft, barely above a whisper but it reached my ears loud and clear. I was suddenly reminded of Rylan, I love how you are.
It wad the beginning of a confession, or maybe the end. Maybe nothing came after but I didn't want to hear him say it. Now right now when my mind felt so fragile and I wouldn't be able to convince myself he was telling the truth.
"Is this you saying goodbye?" I attempted a smile and for the most part, it worked.
"Not, goodbye. That would make it seem like you're dying." Going for casual, he reached over and flicked my ear. "I'll see you in a few months."
It sounded so much longer when he said it.
"Don't lose all that muscle while you're gone." Kyler stood up, ruffled my hair, and left.
His footsteps faded into nothing and then once again, I was left alone. Sammy whined as my lips quivered and my cheeks grew wet.
-
My dad was tall, just like the rest of my family. With basically all the same genes, we were a family of tall blondes. He was human, unlike my mom.
Dad was weird when it came to showing affection. He tried but it fell a little shorter. Still, I knew he was trying to make me feel better. And if it weren't four in the morning, I would've appreciated it more. "You want food?" He asked.
"I'm okay."
"What about coffee? You like coffee yet?"
"No, thank you." I declined tiredly, just wanting to sleep for the long car ride home.
"What about about music? I can turn something else on."
"This is okay, Dad."
He glanced at me before shifting his gaze back to the road. "Want a blanket?"
"..Okay."
If I knew he was gonna try and kill us as he reached into the backseat for it, I would've declined. After he somehow managed not to drift off the road, he placed a small blanket in my lap and patted it. "There you go."
"..Thank you."
He hummed lowly and thankfully focused on the road again. "Your mom told me a little about what's going on. So," he sniffed, "you have.. two boyfriends?"
I didn't want to talk about this. But at the same time, I wanted to let everyone know just how wonderful they were and both of those feelings together left me in a state of nothingness. "Yeah."
"So you like boys." He nodded slowly and I immediately realized I never told him. "Okay. Just.. be careful in public. I don't want you getting hurt."
"I will." I promised. Hopefully I'd still have them by the time I got home.
"Do you want food?"
"I'm okay, Dad."
"Are you sure? There's a Denny's real close. I passed it on the way here."
"Do you want Denny's?"
"Well, if you're gonna get it." He nodded and I finally just agreed since he clearly wanted it.
_
The house was quieter than I remembered, but that's probably because only Mom and Dad lived there now. It was a little sad to think about and it made me miss my siblings more, even Vincent.
Mom was the shortest out of all five of us, standing at 5'9. As she embraced me, I felt a sudden urge to cry. For what? I wasn't sure. Maybe for everything.
She reached up, cupped my cheeks, and with a watery smile pulled me down. "It's okay." She whispered against my ear. And maybe it was because she was my mom that, that was all she needed to say for me tear up. "It's okay." She repeated.
She repeated it over and over until I really believed that everything was okay.
_
My room was the same as I left it since graduation. Mom cleaned it, I could tell, but it still looked the same. Art supplies everywhere, dry clay caked on my desk, old manga books I stopped reading resting on my shelves, same old dog toys that I forgot to bring. Everything was still here.
Sammy was having a field day. It was as if everything in this room was new to him and he didn't live here for most of his life. He particularly liked under my desk, but he was too big to fit there now. So instead, he reached his head in and sniffed to his heart content.
At least he's happy to be back.
I wanted to go home but this was home.
Tomorrow, I would meet with Penelope for the first time since everything with Naomi happened. I wanted to say I wasn't nervous, but my stomach turned every time I reminded myself.
Tomorrow, she was going to ask for my permission to have Mom take my phone. I was going to say yes as much as I didn't want to. Because I want to get better.
So while I had my phone for one last day, I texted Rylan and Kyler. We weren't necessarily on speaking terms right now, but we weren't strangers either so a text shouldn't be too surprising to them.
I texted them individually, forgoing the group chat, but they said the same things. I'm here.
I knew right after I sent the text that I needed Mom to take my phone tomorrow, because I was already waiting anxiously for a reply. I tried not to wait by my phone like normal, but telling myself last day made me cave.
It was unhealthy and now that I realized all the problems I had, I understood just how unhealthy it was. Still, it didn't stop me.
I waited and waited for a text back, not even remembering that it was only six in the morning, and grew more and more anxious when I didn't get one. I couldn't stop the flood of negative thoughts that swarmed my head and made me dizzy with sadness.
But just before I could spiral all the way down, my phone lit up. It was a call. A call, my eyes widened as I scrambled to accept it. From Rylan.
"Hello?" I answered hopefully, almost afraid that my mind was tricking me. There's no way he called me, I'm going crazy, he wouldn't-
"Hey." His voice flooded through the speaker and my heart ached. "You just got home?"
I wanted to tell him this wasn't home, not anymore, but I would feel bad towards my family if I said that. "Yeah." I breathed out softly, still in disbelief. "You called me."
"Mm." He hummed softly, voice laced with sleep. "Didn't get to see you before you left like Kyler."
"We didn't really talk at all." I rushed out before cringing when I realized how that sounded. "I mean-"
"It's okay, I know." He interrupted. "We're not really talking either."
Guilt barreled into me full force. "Why? You guys can still see each other."
"It's just.. a little weird right now." Hate, hate, hate- they must hate what I did if they don't already hate me. "Maybe later we'll talk more."
My ears flattened as I whispered, "I'm sorry."
"Not your fault." He assured quietly. "We're both adults who can work out our own stuff." But it was, it was my fault. "I hope being there helps you. And I hope you take your time, try not to rush stuff like this."
"Okay." I instantly agreed. I wanted to hear him talk more, about anything and everything before I wasn't able to. He just woke up, I could tell. Probably just for me.
My heart thumped in my chest. "I'll miss you." I told him.
"I already miss you."
Thump, thump, thump- it beat wildly. I felt the need to apologize again but swallowed the words. "They're going to take my phone away tomorrow, so I won't be able to.." I trailed off.
"It's okay." He mumbled softly. "We can talk now, however long you want."
Thumptbumpthump. "What should we talk about?"
"Well," he started, gentle slur to his words, "I just want to hear your voice, so anything."
My throat felt clogged and it took me a moment to respond. "I'll miss your smile the most, I think. You have one of the prettiest smiles I've seen."
"Mm? I didn't mean for you to compliment me." His voice was slurred with sleep but I could almost hear the gentle smile surely gracing his lips.
"You said anything."
"I did, didn't I? Alright, let's hear it." I heard the soft creak of his bed as he sat up. "You said you loved me, tell me about it."
Where would I even begin- "I love your laugh."
______________
second update besties 😫 it's not that edited i'll be honest 🧍it's 4am so i'm gonna sleep now but ilyy.
maddie <3