Chet called his mom this morning. It was was hard and he had to force himself five separate times to do it. He wanted to call his sister too but he couldn't, it was too much all at once.
_
Rylan groaned quietly and rolled out of bed when his doorbell rang. He wasn't sure if it was the first time or perhaps the third. Kyler slept like a log while he slipped Kyler's shirt on, along with his own boxers, and went to answer the door.
He somehow knew it would be Chet before he opened the door. Nobody else would bother him at seven in the fucking morning.
As tired as Rylan was, when he saw Chet standing there in all his 6'5 glory, he smiled. "Chet~" Rylan's always been extra affectionate when he was on the verge of sleep, unbeknownst to Chet.
Chet could only flush in surprise when Rylan's arms wrapped around his waist and hugged him. He's hugging me, he thought in a panic, oh my God, he's hugging me.
Rylan's eyes were closed as his cheek pressed against Chet's chest. His heartbeat was fast, Rylan noticed, almost too fast. Somehow, it made him even more tired and he had to force himself to stay awake.
Before Chet could properly hug him back, Rylan pulled away and lightly tugged at his shirt, coaxing him inside. The door clicked shut while Chet fidgeted nervously.
"I missed you." Rylan took his hand and started for his bedroom, ready to sleep again.
Chet's stomach warmed with affection and guilt. "Me too." He rubbed his neck nervously, realizing now that it might've been bad. "It's.. is it okay that I showed up?" He couldn't wait any longer, almost afraid he'd have a panic attack if he stayed by himself, alone while waiting for Kyler.
"It's okay." Rylan assured, completely unfazed. "You knew Kyler was here so it's different." Rylan's room smelled like cinnamon. It made Chet's nose itchy. "Did you not sleep much? You look tired."
Not at all, he didn't say. "I'm okay."
Rylan was quiet as he got into bed, careful not to jostle Kyler. Then, he coaxed Chet forward. "Sleep with us." His bed was more than big enough to fit the three of them, especially without the addition of Sammy they usually had.
As dead as Kyler seemed, he eventually lifted his head and squinted at the two of them. "..Chet?"
"Um," Chet's fingers nervously played with the blanket, worried Kyler might be upset at him for interrupting their date, "morning?"
He stared for one, two, three seconds, mumbled it back and then went back to sleep. He was gracious enough to scoot over before he did. Rylan didn't exactly blame him for being so tired, not with the way he fucked him throughout the night. He'd be tired too.
"He's tired." Rylan explained as if it were necessary. "I'm gonna sleep too, is that cool?"
"It's cool." Chet nodded quickly.
Rylan's lips twitched up, having missed his boyfriend. He thought he was just the cutest little thing. "You sleep too, yeah?" The dark circles and pink surrounding Chet's eyes left him a little worried.
"Okay." He agreed. He was in desperate need for at least a few hours, having not slept since the day before. His entire night was spent up, reading reddit posts that gave advice he didn't want to read. But it was addictive and he couldn't stop.
Probably because it sounded a lot like his situation.
_
After a good three hours of sleep, Chet felt slightly more refreshed. He was still tired and would crash when he got home, but for now he was okay.
He woke up to gentle pets and almost complete silence. His head, he doesn't know how, was in Rylan's lap as Rylan petted him.
Rylan was already awake, leaning against the headboard, while quietly scrolling through his phone. Kyler appeared just as dead as before, barely noticeable under his mop of hair.
That was earlier. Now, Kyler was still sleeping and Rylan had a cushy seat in Chet's lap.
Rylan smelled like yesterday's cologne, and a little bit of Kyler. Chet felt like he could get drunk off the scent. "How was your date?"
"It was good, fun." Rylan hummed. "We went ice skating, did he tell you?" Chet nodded silently as Rylan pressed a soft kiss under his ear. "We thought about kidnapping you a few times and stealing you away from your friend."
Further guilt tugged at Chet's stomach.
Rylan's voice was soft, barely a whisper against Chet's neck as to not disturb Kyler. "I thought about you the whole time." Chet admitted quietly. "I.. missed you." Rylan didn't know the harsh reality of how much Chet missed them, neither did Kyler.
"Missed you too, baby." His voice was low and a little raspy, making Chet shiver. "Come with us next time, it'll be even better."
Chet couldn't promise that so instead, he dipped his head in Rylan's neck and closed his eyes. His arms were around Rylan's waist and a little loose with hesitancy. "I used to go skating with my sister a lot when I was younger."
"Your sister's a year older, right?"
"Mhm, but she acts like my mom sometimes."
"She probably just loves you a lot."
Chet knew she did so he nodded silently. He wanted to call her even more now, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. "I talked to my mom this morning." Rylan hasn't met Chet's mom nor heard a lot about her but he wasn't the most fond. But because it was Chet's mom and he clearly loved her a lot, he asked about her. "She's.. okay. She seemed," relieved, "happy that I called her."
Chet told him a little about his mom, and even more about his siblings. It was mostly new information and a little familiar things he already knew, but it was all nice to hear.
"You're like the opposite of Kyler." Rylan's hands slid up Chet's chest and cupped his neck. His thumbs rubbed the tanned skin in slow, gentle circles. "You're always cold whenever I see you."
Chet didn't feel cold, but he didn't feel warm either. "Kyler's always warm, even in the snow."
"There's something wrong with him."
"Maybe he has a disease."
Rylan let out a puff of amusement. "Maybe." He could feel Chet's pulse under his thumb and silently wondered why it was so fast. Tipping Chet's head up, he gazed at him softly and tried reading his expression.
Ever since he got there, something felt off. He was different and the same all at once, Rylan couldn't put his finger on it. Maybe he's just tired, he really looks it. "You feeling okay?"
"I'm okay." Chet nodded, voice quiet. "Just.. tired."
Rylan somehow didn't believe him.
Instead of prying, he pressed a kiss to Chet's lips, soft and gentle, hopefully saying everything he couldn't say aloud.
It made Chet's heart ache.
It ached and ached as Rylan pressed kiss after kiss across his face. His lips grazed his cheeks, pressed against his chin, skimmed his jaw, and kissed everywhere he could reach.
Chet's eyes fell shut when Rylan kissed his forehead, and he was suddenly reminded of the reddit post he read last night. Right now, Chet didn't want Rylan to go anywhere. He wanted him to stay right here with him and Kyler for as long as he was allowed to keep him.
They could create their own little world, he thought, just them. It would be everything he wanted. No worries, no anxiety, no fear, and none of the sadness he felt when he was alone.
He wanted to, he desperately wanted to, but he couldn't.
That wasn't his reality. His reality was useless worries, constant anxiety, fear of being alone, and all the panic that came with them not being with him. And he couldn't change that, not right now while he was with Rylan.
Tomorrow, Chet's going to have to wake up and wonder how many hours until he can feel happy again. When can he see them? Later tonight, he's going to nervously ask Kyler if he can sleep with him, because he's so scared of being alone.
Every single day will be the same anxiety, over and over until it consumes him entirely.
He didn't want to be like that girl's boyfriend. But would he know? Chet stayed up all night thinking about it. Would he know if he was turning into that? Or would it slowly happen, not realizing it himself, and affect their entire relationship- all because he doesn't know how to be okay by himself.
Rylan tried to kiss his frown, and all the sadness that came with it, away.
It didn't work like it normally would, but Chet didn't want to frown. If he frowned, that meant he was sad. And Rylan didn't make him sad. Rylan made him so, so happy, he couldn't even believe it sometimes.
If being around Rylan made him sad, then there was truly nothing else to make him feel happy and that made him even more sad. He didn't want it to get to that. Rylan made him happy, he wanted to stay like that forever.
Chet dipped his head into Rylan's neck and took comfort in his scent.
They didn't talk for a while. Touch was enough, it said everything and nothing and comforted both of them. Because Rylan knew something was wrong and it left him in discomfort.
Something told Rylan not to ask, you wouldn't like the answer, his mind whispered. So he didn't. But he tried to make Chet smile like he normally would and it worked, mostly.
Rylan felt Chet's lips stretch across his neck, but it was tired and not as bright. But still, he smiled, and he was so beautiful when he did.
Kyler woke up slightly confused to see Chet. Their previous interaction was completely forgotten but he was still happy nonetheless. Both of his boyfriends, he was more than pleased they were all together.
It was a slow morning where they all lounged in bed, talked, didn't talk, laughed, didnt laugh, and thought. Chet thought the most.
He thought they were everything left that made him happy. Chet missed his friends, he missed his family, he missed making art and going on runs and watching his favorite show and keeping up with favorite youtubers and feeling that pride when he filled an entire sketchbook.
He missed a lot of things that felt ruined now, like they would never feel the same.
He didn't want to ruin Kyler and Rylan. Because if he did, he'd have nothing.
It's like he's not even a person if I'm not with him, the reddit post lingered in his head. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he felt like that. Every day, he felt more and more like that. Chet knew, it took hours to finally admit it last night, that he was too dependent on them.
Their emotions affected his, good or bad. His entire day was scheduled around them, even if they weren't there. And his thoughts- His thoughts were reserved for them and them alone.
It wasn't healthy. He didn't feel healthy. He felt stuck and had no idea how to get out, it felt like he couldn't breathe. His chest grew tight and his throat grew clogged and there was no way to fix it. He just lived with it.
Chet mumbled something that Rylan couldn't hear, but Kyler did. Kyler heard him loud and clear and quickly turned towards him. "What?"
Chet stared at his hands, unable to bring himself to look at them. Because it was hard, it was so hard and if he looked at them, he wouldn't do it. But he needed to, because he didn't want to feel stuck anymore. "Um," his fingers twisted together, "I'm going home for a couple months."
A couple months, Kyler thought, not weeks, not days, but months. It was only supposed to be a couple days, what changed? "Months?"
"You're leaving?" Rylan asked.
Chet didn't speak right away. He couldn't find the right words and his throat closed up, making it almost impossible to say what he was so scared of. "I don't.. I think I just need to go home for a while."
"You want to leave? It's not your family wanting you home or anything like that?" Kyler didn't understand where this was coming from. Chet looked so upset while saying it, it couldn't have been a regular trip to see his family.
"No, it's my choice." He forced the words out, no matter how much his heart clenched. "I talked to my mom about it this morning. I didn't- I didn't just randomly decide this." His voice shook. "I thought about it all night."
Stomach dropped, Rylan stared at him. He knew something was off, something felt wrong the entire times he's been here. It almost sounds- "It sounds like you're breaking up with us." He waited and waited and waited until Chet told him he was wrong.
But he didn't. Chet's expression was crestfallen as he stared at his hands. "You're serious?" Rylan asked, almost in disbelief. "You're breaking up with us right now?"
"No." Chet denied hurriedly, eyes growing wet. "No, I don't want to. It's just.." A heavy pause, ".. I don't know, maybe."
Maybe.
Kyler was just as shocked as Rylan. What the fuck? He thought. They were just okay, they were smiling and laughing, so what the fuck? It almost didn't feel real.
Kyler waited for Chet to say he was joking and then he'd tell him what a horrible joke it was while he tickled Chet's sides, but he knew that wouldn't happen. Chet sat here in front of him, eyes wet and so distraught, it couldn't have been a joke.
Chet's lip caught between his teeth, just so it wouldn't quiver. "You're mad." He whispered. It wasn't a question, Rylan looked anything but pleased.
"Sorry if I'm not too happy with getting dumped."
"I don't want to." Chet stressed, quickly getting overwhelmed. They'll hate him, they must hate him already. "The post-! The post said to take a break. I don't want to." He repeated. "I don't. I don't want to break up."
"A break." Kyler repeated. In his head, it meant the same thing. Rylan had similar thoughts.
"I don't know what else to do." Chet looked so helpless. They hate him. It felt like they suddenly turned on him in a matter of second, and it was making his chest tighten in the worst ways.
Hate, hate, hate, hate him. He hates himself too.
"I.." Chet's vision grew blurry, "..I feel so sad lately. And I only feel happy when I'm with you. So when you're gone I feel like.. nothing. I feel so alone all the time and it hurts, and I constantly worry about if you like me or if I'm annoying you."
Everything he never wanted to say was suddenly spilling from his lips. "And I lie to you all the time. I don't know- I just lie and I don't want to. I hate lying. I don't want to lie to you." He let out a shaky breath. "I didn't have school the other day but I still lied and went just so I could see you."
"That's how alone I feel." He sniffed. "I made your day worse just so I could see you for a few minutes. And last night- I didn't go to Harrison's. I stayed home and waited for hours but I was alone all night."
He remembers all the sadness that washed over him in tall, heavy waves. The overwhelming urge to cry as he curled himself in Kyler's blanket. It felt like drowning, like he couldn't breathe without someone helping him.
He managed but it was hard. It was so, so hard and tiring. He's terrified of having to go through that every day- knowing he would have to do that every single day if he didn't go home.
His chest rose unsteadily with every uneven breath. "I was so alone and I hated it. I feel like I'm bothering you with whatever I do and it's- it hurts because.." His hands clenched around the blanket, "I know I'm not supposed to, it's too fast and it's not normal but I love you both. And it feels like I'm the only one." He sniffled. "So it hurts."
So alone in everything he does.
He's not supposed to but he can't help it, he loves them and it makes him so happy and hurts so much.
"I don't feel happy." Chet admitted. "You both make me happy but I feel sad most of the time, whenever you're not around. I want to always be with you and I get so upset when we're not. That's not normal." The word hurt to say.
"I want to be okay with being alone, but I'm not. I feel scared and I never know if you're really going to stay with me."
They'll probably leave either way. He must be coming off crazy right now. He feels like it. He feels crazy and delirious and upset and he wants them to tell him it's okay but he's breaking up with them so they can't.
My fault, he thought, my fault for being like this.
Right now, Chet would fall apart if they broke up with him. He would fall apart and he doesn't know how long until he would be okay again.
Someone can be in love for years and eventually grow apart. What if that happens to them? Nobody knows the future, good or bad, and that scares him so much because he knows he would fall apart without them. Sinking into a such a deep depression that feels bottomless with no way out.
He wants to be in a place where he can function by himself, whether they're in a relationship or not.
He hates himself so much. They hate him, hate, hate, hate. He hates everything about himself too.
Chet covered his eyes, unable to hold back the tears and he cried. He cried hard and gasped for air. "There's something wrong with me." He cried into his palms. "My head.. it's not normal."
He can't breathe.
Calm down, calm down he repeated over and over in his head, but it wasn't working. "I don't want to be him." He cried. "I won't- I promise. I'll be normal." He wanted his sister. "I'll- I'll get better." He promised. "And I won't tell you what to do or be controlling. I won't be him." He begged for them to believe him.
He won't turn into that girl's boyfriend- the boyfriend every person told her to break up with.
He's unstable, the replies said, it's not healthy. Every single reply was calling him some type of name, good or bad. And every single reply had something in common. Take a break or break up.
He's trying. Chet wanted to get better, will this help?
As tears stained his hands, he didn't think so. He wanted to take it back. "Please don't break up with me." He begged, voice raw and broken.
If they wanted him to beg, he would, he'd beg as much as they wanted. This isn't how he wanted it to happen, his eyes squeezed shut, trying to stop the tears. Why is it so hard to be okay?
He feels conflicted and wants to go home and wants to take back what he said and wants to go back in time and he just wants to be okay. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to be different?
Chet felt a hand touch his back, running up and down soothingly. It's Kyler, he realized. His hand is warm. "It's okay." He soothed quietly, as if talking louder would scare him. "It's okay."
Kyler's next to him, thighs touching and Rylan is in front of him, deep frown on his face. They're both frowning, they're all frowning.
Chet tried to calm down, he really did but it was hard. Rylan reached out and touched his ankle, running his thumb back and forth in soothing circles. "Sorry." Chet breathed out. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say sorry." Kyler told him, sounding almost upset as Chet felt. "I didn't.. realize you felt like that. I'm sorry for not noticing." Kyler's with him so much, so fucking much and he didn't even know an ounce of this. His stomach fills with guilt.
And it makes Chet feel even worse because it's his fault. Not theirs. It's his fault he's like this, they couldn't help it.
Rylan holds his ankle, unsure about what to do. What does he say? How does he calm him down? Why did he never notice? How long has he felt like this? "It's okay." He says, because it's all he can think to say. "If you need to go home, then you should go home. We don't," he chews at his lip for a moment, "we don't have to break up. You said a break, yeah? We can do that."
It means the same to Rylan. Break, break up, it's all the same but if it would make Chet feel better, he'll do it.
Chet sniffled and rubbed at his eyes, trying desperately to will his tears away. "You're not gonna break up with me?"
Kyler ducks his head, getting a good look at him, and reaches out to wipe his tears. "It sounds more like you wanted to break up with us."
"No." Chet immediately stressed. "Break up is for good. A break is just.. a break." A break means he can come back and they can still be his.
"Okay, not break up." Kyler says, just to calm him down. "Just a break."
Rylan and Kyler are both unsettled with this and what it meant for them, but what could they say? After everything Chet said, he clearly needed time away from them. But still, it left them upset.
And then they were all just upset, sitting silently in their own pools of sad thoughts.
Rylan didn't know what 'break' meant to Chet. Is he allowed to still contact him? Is Chet going to disappear at home? Break was just a softer term for break up and he was familiar with breaks ups. He knew what came with them. Is that what they are then? Broken up but not exes?
Rylan doesn't know what to do but he doesn't ask.
Kyler feels even more unsure. They're going to have to leave, and probably very soon. Kyler is going to have to drive them home, sleep in the same house as Chet, and do everything like before- but not together. Because they're not together.
They're on break.
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would you guys think it's weird if i started writing in third person pov 🧍like should i just wait until my next story to do that and continue with first person?
anyways ouch </3
okay bye ily,
maddie <3