(An: this doesn't go over everything on the list. Just a few of the first 50. I may do a part 2 of this later on and probably a part 3 given how long this list is. Dr. Bright is seriously on mentaly unstable man.)
The screen flickered to life and the words "Things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do" appeared on screen.
"Dr. Bright is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to Kain." The voice of the theater narrates what's said on screen.
Everyone who doesn't already know about this turns and looks to Cain for an explanation.
"I believe the Kain they are referring to is a researcher. Dr. Kain has the same name as me but spelled with a K, for that reason most tend to call him Dr. Crow to avoid confusion." Cain explains. "Also Dr. Crow is a dog."
"Telling new researchers you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out."
035 laughed a bit at that. "Now that's something I'd pay to see."
Dr. Clef snickered a bit when he remembers an assistant researcher who believed this. She paid the ultimate price of trusting Dr. Bright.
"No longer allowed to challenge Able to unwinnable games like tic tac toe. It was three weeks before Able conceded a draw."
Able grumbles a bit at the memory of that damned game. "One day I will win."
"SCP-018 is not to be taunted."
"Ah yes! The super ball! It's fun to taunt." Dr. Bright says.
Abby gets excited at the sounding of a super ball. "A ball that is super?! Can I play with it!"
The researchers glanced between each other for a moment. The super ball may sound harmless at first but is actually extremely dangerous. Then again the Young Girl is immortal and usually when she asks for a new toy the Foundation is ok with it and she has played with anomalous toys before. In the end they decided it's probably best that she doesn't play with the super ball, she may be immortal but she can still feel pain. Though maybe they could do a cross test with the two anomalies.
"No. But maybe we can get you something like it but less dangerous. " Dr. Rights answers.
Abby thinks about it for a moment before smiling at the offer. "Ok!"
"Giving SCP-113 to Diogenes is just plain pointless."
Dr. Rights gave Dr. Bright a questioning look.
"It was for science." Dr. Bright responds.
"Attempting to disprove SCP-343, to SCP-343 is a horrible idea. Agents are still studying the resulting paperweight supposedly so heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it."
"What is 343?" Epon asked.
"He claims to be God." Dr. Clef answers.
Epon's eyes grew wide. 'They can't contain God! That's impossible!' She internally screamed.
'Why would God let himself be contained?' Able thought to himself.
Cain felt a chill run up his mechanical spin. He'd seen 343's files and though his power implies that he is god there were things in his files that suggested he's something else.
'False god.' These were the words that appeared in the minds of Dr. Clef, 049, and Lilith.
"I'm more interested in this paperweight." 035 comments.
"While it is true that "no one expects the SCP Inquisition", that is only because there is no such thing."
"Yes there is! I've seen it!" Dr. Bright yells.
"Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen"
"I am king of many things." Dr. Bright claims.
"No you're not." Everyone says at once.
"SCP-963 is not to be used for recreational or procreational purposes."
"I really wish the O5's would just take that amulet away from you until it is needed." Dr. Rights comments.
"Although it is entirely possible to use SCP's under the foundation's control to create tentacle monsters… No. Not even if Dr. Palmer asked nicely."
"Why would someone want a tentacle monster?" Iris asked.
"Dr. Palmer has a few fetishes." Dr. Kondraki answers.
"There is no market for SCP pornography. Not even in Germany. It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on [Redacted], Jesus Christ man."
Everyone who knew what pornography is turned and gave Dr. Bright a 'What the Fuck is wrong with you?!' Look.
"I'm telling you if we have miss teenage succubus make a few short films. We'd be making bank." Dr. Bright comments pointing at Epon.
Epon looked like she wanted to vomit at the thought of being filmed that way. Clef currently wished he had his shotgun on him.
Before anything else could be said 035 spoke up. "Why would you want to record that over-grown lizard having sex? Can it even do that?"
Those who understood what this all meant turned and gave him a 'are you serious?' look.
"Can we just get off this disgusting subject?" 049 asked with an annoyed sigh.
"Should not replace the buckshots in Clef's shotgun with any of the following. Birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or sexual lubricant."
Dr. Clef glared at Dr. Bright. 'Stay the hell away from my daughter and my shotgun you immortal bastard!' He internally screamed.
"Should not replace Dr. Rights' lamp with a "novelty" lamp shaped like a marital aid. Should not replace Dr. Rights' marital aid with a "novelty" aid shaped like a lamp."
Everyone, except for Abby and Forty, turned and looked at Dr. Rights. She said nothing on the matter.
"Dr. Bright is not allowed to come into contact with anyone under the age of 18. Just because it is a learning experience does not mean anyone needs to come into contact with Bright."
If Lilith wasn't wanting to take the two children and move them far away from Bright before, she certainly does now.
"Any requests by Dr. Bright to utilize SCP-212 for enhancement are to be denied, due to several requests being submitted with the research goal stated as "to stick my private in it and hope for the best". This includes requests to use it for enhancement of other organs. I don't care how awesome you think it would be, Bright. You should not be allowed to have telekinesis."
"If that thing disfigures your dick I will laugh my ass off." Dr. Clef says.
Dr. Bright shrugs at this. "I could just put my amulet on someone else and get a new body."
"Dr. Bright is not allowed to bargain with personnel for their "souls" if they are unaware of SCP-158."
"He can bargain with me as much as he wants. I sold my soul a long time ago." Dr. Clef says with a chuckle.
"May not use the word 'accident' as an excuse."
Given what they've been told of the immortal so far, this doesn't suprise anyone.
"Violate the dress code, even on casual Fridays. No matter how many times you say please Dr. Bright we won't add any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code. Nor are you allowed to wear and create hats made using or out of anomalous objects. We understand that your SCP-894 top hat collection has some tactical value, but that is not a valid reason to wear them in front of other researchers."
"Those hats are so obnoxious." Dr. Rights says in frustration.
"Not allowed to send nigerian-esque spam mail to the church of the broken god."
"We got so many complaints that day." Dr. Kondraki comments.
"Not allowed to lead a mobile task force against the UIU under any circumstances."
"I can't believe you almost started a gunfight with the FBI" Dr. Rights comments dryly.
"I'm more pissed at the fact you didn't invite me." Dr. Clef mutters.
"Dr. Bright is not allowed to go anywhere near a renaissance festival. Especially with D-Class in garb."
"You took a bunch of criminals to a festival? Why?" Lilith asked.
"The D-Bois needed a break and I wanted to steal some paintings." Dr. Bright answers.
"Dr. Bright for the last time, D-Class personnel are death row inmates, most of them are murderers or agents from enemy organizations. When you take them out to highly populated areas things are bound to go wrong." Dr. Rights says.
"SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer."
Dr. Rights felt a chill run down her spine as the memories of that day flashed into her mind. The day half of the new researchers became Dr. Bright.
"Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major political figures."
"I was great at being Speaker of the House." Dr. Bright says with a fond smile.
"No you weren't!" Was the response he got from his fellow researchers.
"Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator. Dr. Kondraki is not a responsible administrator. Nor is Agent Strelnikov. Or Dr. Mann. In fact let's just keep the two of them far away from each other."
Lilith understood the rules for Bright and Clef but was curious as to why Kondraki was not considered a responsible administrator. From what she's seen of the man since arriving in this theater he seemed to be well behaved. "Why aren't you considered a responsible administrator Dr. Kondraki?"
Kondraki huffed in annoyance. "I don't know. I've never done anything irresponsible."
Dr. Rights decided to call him out on the lie. "You started a gun fight in the break room over a coffee machine."
Bright and Clef laughed at Kondraki for getting exposed by Rights.
"I hate all of you." The man growled.
"Chainsaws is not the solution to every question. Nor is, 'more chainsaws'. Or 'chainsaw cannons'. Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome."
"Oh the good ol' days of shooting things with my beloved chainsaw cannons." Dr. Brights says blissfully as he remembers all the good times with his favorite weapon.
"Scp speed dating never happened. Anyone who claims to remember such an event must report to site command for administration of Class A Amnestics."
"Considering you have to be given Amnestics for recalling something like that I'd say it did happen and ended horribly." Iris deduced.
"It did happen. He tried to hook me up with Dr. Gears." Lilith confirms. "He also tried to get some D-class woman to date the plague doctor."
Everyone turned to 049 for conformation.
"I do remember that. Whilst I wasn't interested in dating she did serve to make an interesting test subject." The mad doctor confirmed.
The screen went black and the voice of the theater spoke. "That will be all for today. To your right is a yellow door that leads to a hallway full of bedrooms. Your room will have your name on the door. If you need rest then please do so."
Iris felt a bit tried so she decided to get some rest. Able and Cain also decided to head to their rooms. As did the researchers. 049 doesn't need sleep but he wanted to think in peace without 035 bugging him so he too went to his room. Lilith didn't need sleep either but she noticed Forty and Abby had already fallen asleep, so she and Epon picked up Abby and Forty to bring them to their rooms.