"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" -- Al Green
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
Tell me how can you stop the old sun from shining?
What makes the world go 'round?
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March of 1998
While Jaden lay curled up in their bed asleep, Lucky sat at the desk working on the most excruciating letter she ever had to write. So difficult was it, she had already started over half a dozen times. Afraid of Jaden awakening from the noise, she carefully folded the rejected letters several times instead of balling them up. An unlit Lucky Strike hanging from a corner of her mouth, she pressed the tip of the pen to the paper, slowly yet neatly attaching words to it.
Only when she signed the letter did Lucky light the end of her cigarette. Sitting back in her seat and wincing as the chair creaked, she glanced over her shoulder to Jaden before reviewing her letter.
Dear Jaden,
When you read this, I'll be gone and I hope to God that you don't hate me because of it, but at the same time I don't blame you if you do hate me. I don't deserve your love-- I don't deserve you. I realize that some people use that line when they want to break up with someone, but I mean it. I've known almost from the beginning that I didn't deserve you, but I was too selfish to let you go. You're better off alone than with me. Shit, half the time I don't treat you right. You could do so much better and I hope that with me out of the way you'll have the opportunity to.
Despite everything Jaden, I love you and I will love you until the day that I take my last breath. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. You did what I thought was impossible--you reached my heart. And I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you, that I didn't show you enough how much I loved you.
I would have told you all of this when you were awake, but I was afraid that if I tried to break up with you while looking at your beautiful face that I'd chicken out and be unable to go through with it. I have to let you go because I'm helping you to ruin your life. You're twenty-one years old, you have so much talent and such a bright light within you. It would shine brighter without me around. I don't want you to end up like J.T. I don't want you to be like me. You're so much better.
Thank you for sharing your love with me, Jae. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget you.
All my love,
Carla
Tears streaming down her cheeks, Lucky stubbed what remained of her cigarette in an ashtray. Folding the sheet of paper, she slipped it inside an envelope with a receipt stating that the rent had been paid for the next four months. Printing Jaden's name on the front, she stood up and walked toward the bed. She propped the envelope against the lamp and then turned to the sleeping young woman. Needing to touch her one last time, she brushed her fingers over a still cheek. The moment Jaden stirred she dropped her hand.
Lucky waited for her breathing to level out again before she leaned down. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered. "I'm so sorry." A final kiss to Jaden's forehead and she left the bedroom. Grabbing her bags from the couch, Lucky hurried out the door, her destination the bus depot.
The letter wrinkled with some of the words smeared from her tears in her grasp, Jaden knocked on the door. She paced back and forth across the welcome mat until the person she had come to see answered. Slapping the letter against his chest, she shakily demanded to know of Lucky's whereabouts.
Having spoken with Lucky the night before, Pirate wasn't surprised to find her girlfriend on his doorstep that morning. Of course, since his ex-manager had intentionally not mentioned where she was headed, he wasn't able to give Jaden any answers. It broke his heart to look at her. Her face was flushed, probably from crying, her clothes and hair were in disarray as though she got out of bed and hurried straight to his house after discovering the letter.
"Jae, why don't you come inside?" Pirate delicately inquired while holding out a hand that the young woman didn't take. "Come on and I'll get you a cup of coffee. Shelia's making some and she brews a real nice pot of java."
Her lips trembling, Jaden stubbornly shook her head. "I don't want coffee, Pirate. I want Lucky. Where is she? If she told anyone, she told you."
"That's just it, Jae. She didn't tell me where she was going." It was evident that she didn't believe him. "I swear that she didn't say. She just said that she had to leave. That it was for your own good."
Jaden had to clear her throat before she asked, "Did she say when she'd return?"
Although it would be painful to hear, Pirate thought it best to be completely honest. "I got the impression from our conversation last night that she never would." The musician's voice was as gentle as he could make it. "But, Jaden, she loves you. I know it's difficult to understand right now, but Lucky left because she loves you."
The brimming tears finally escaped. "That's a bunch of bullshit! She left me alone because she loves me? How would she feel about me if she stayed? Would she hate me?" This was too much to take. Her worse nightmare had just come true--Lucky the woman she loved had abandoned her. Jaden didn't want to think about it. She had to go find something to obliterate these thoughts, even if it only lasted for a little while. Fingering the folded bills in her pocket, she was about to leave when Pirate pulled her back. The more she struggled and yelled for him to let her go, the tighter he held on, until Jaden finally collapsed against him.
Between sobs, she murmured that she wanted Lucky back. Deep inside she knew that it wasn't going to happen.
Her eyes on the distracted woman using a fork to shovel her food around on the plate, Georgie had to call her name several times before Jaden looked up. She didn't have to ask her friend what was on her mind because she already knew. Having gone to Lil' Angels daily the past week to visit Evan, she grew quieter with each return home. This evening she had barely spoken a word. Georgie didn't have to ask. The young boy was getting weaker every day.
"I'm sorry," Jaden said, momentarily halting her dancing fork. "Did you say something, Georgie?"
The blonde pointed toward her food, which she had taken two bites from. "Are you going to eat your dinner? I promise that I didn't cook it. It was delivered, so I was only responsible for putting it on a plate." She was excited that her jest received a glimmer of a smile.
"It's very tasty but I don't have much of an appetite. Late lunch." She was certain that Georgie didn't buy that explanation, but the younger woman didn't persist. "I'll heat it up later and eat it okay?"
Georgie nodded. "Okay. Anything that you want to talk about, sweetheart?"
"No, I'm gonna take a shower." Taking her plate to the kitchen, Jaden covered it with foil and set it by the stove. As she passed Georgie on her way to the bathroom, she kissed the top of her head and thanked her for buying them dinner.
Her own appetite zapped, Georgie tossed what remained on her plate, cleared the table and then settled on the couch. Resting her head on the couch, she closed her eyes and listened to the running shower while wishing that Jaden felt capable of opening up and talking to her. It wasn't like her to keep her feelings bottled up inside.
Georgie didn't open her eyes when she felt the cushion beside her move as Jaden sat down. However, it could have been Sasha. Her nose wiggled, inhaling the new scent in the air. Unless the Alaskan malamute's canine body wash was fragrant enough that a human might be tempted to use it, the one sitting beside Georgie only walked on two legs. She looked toward her right to notice two baby blue orbs studying her.
"What're you wearing this evening?"
Turned toward Georgie, Jaden sat with her legs tucked underneath her as she rested her cheek in her palm, a soft smile on her lips. "What does it smell like I'm wearing?" She giggled when Georgie made a production out of sniffing from her neck to her shoulders and down her arms where the attention caused goosebumps to rise. Finishing the examination, Georgie looked on curiously. When she asked if Hershey's made body wash her girlfriend laughed.
"You're close, but it's not a Hershey's product. Though I am wearing a chocolate milk body wash. First time. Heather told me about it, so intrigued, I ordered a bottle."
"That's seriously chocolate soap?" Lifting Jaden's hand, she smelled the inside of her wrist. Sure enough, her skin had a cocoa fragrance. Georgie briefly wondered how it would taste.
"Basically, yes. Along with oatmeal, cocoa butter, aloe and some other ingredients, a lot of which I probably couldn't properly pronounce if I attempted to. So, how do you like it? Is a chocolate body wash too silly for a thirty-two year old woman?"
"I wouldn't say so. I love chocolate, the smell of chocolate, so of course I love your body wash on your gorgeous body." She grinned. "You may be a touch eccentric because of your phobia of not being able to stick to one body wash for any length of time, but at least I know you're squeaky clean."
"Well...er thanks, Gigi...I think. Certainly a compliment was in there." Jaden returned the grin. "You know, you can use any of my thousands of body washes, shampoos and conditioners at any time. Take some home if you want. Help yourself to my bathroom cabinets. Pick out some stuff for Van too."
In that case, Georgie wanted to try out her milk chocolate body wash later that evening. "I'll do that. Thanks for your generosity, Sparkle."
"No problem, Flip." The younger woman chuckled in response to the nickname given to her nickname, which Jaden had created when they were in Hawaii. "What are your Thanksgiving plans? Set yet?"
"Yep, they're all set. Van, Todd and I are going to Uncle Jacob's, which we do every year. Van and Todd's aunt from their mother's side is coming with her family too. What are your plans?"
"Going to Mom and Dad's. Heather, Tom and the kids will be there and Grandma and Grandpa have been persuaded to fly back from Florida for a few days. Heather and I have arranged to pick them up the day before Thanksgiving."
"That sounds nice."
"Yeah, I'm excited. Do you like sweet potato pie?"
"I like pumpkin pie."
"Very good, but pumpkin pie isn't sweet potato pie." A grin sprang to the musician's mouth. "Both are popular pies around Thanksgiving with different flavors."
"Thanks for that short lesson."
"You're welcome. Now, do you like sweet potato pie?"
"Never had sweet potato pie."
Jaden nodded. "Thought so. Mom makes excellent sweet potato pies and she always bakes plenty around the holidays. So, could I provide you and Van with a pie for dessert? I'm sure you'll eat dessert at Jacob's home, but when you return here, I'd like to have a pie waiting for you. I guarantee that your taste buds will thank you for trying this amazing treat."
"How could I say no to that? Now I really can't wait for Thanksgiving to arrive. We can splurge on Thanksgiving Day, right? So much good and rich food to eat that it'd be a shame to adhere to the diet."
"You just splurged on Halloween."
Georgie stared at her for three seconds. "What's your point?" She started to smile when the other woman chuckled. "I must eat turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce...all of that yummy stuff."
"Then, sweetheart, you go right ahead." Putting an arm around Georgie's shoulders, she gently tugged her closer, kissing the top of her golden head. They quietly cuddled for so long that Georgie was on the verge of taking a nap when Jaden inquired about further plans. She skipped Christmas and went straight to New Years. Fortunately for her, Georgie's calendar on and around New Year's was clear, so she asked if she would like to join her on a five-day trip to Palm Springs to use the gift certificate that Max had given Jaden for her birthday.
Raising her head from the brunette's shoulder, Georgie grinned, recalling when she received the luxurious present. She kept quiet, but she had noticed Max's hint that the birthday girl should ask her to go. At the time, Georgie didn't believe she had much of a chance of being invited to the couples resort.
"You and I at a lesbian couples resort in Palm Springs for New Year's?" Jaden wordlessly nodded. "Spa treatments, decadent meals...most importantly you?" A blush accompanied her next nod. Georgie opened her mouth to say yes, but the simple word wouldn't take form. Instead, she found herself shaking her head as she replied, "I won't be able to make it New Year's."
Jaden looked perplexed. "I thought you didn't have anything planned."
"I don't."
Two eyes brows rose. "So...I don't understand. Why can't you go if you don't have anything else to do?"
Georgie sighed thinking of the beloved woman across the hall. "It's New Year's. I can't leave Van during that time. I wouldn't feel right going to Palm Springs."
"Okay. I'll take Van instead. She was my girlfriend before you anyway." An elbow connected with her side and Jaden laughed. "All right, a better solution then. What about we make it a five-day New Year's double date? You, me, Van and another woman in Palm Springs living it up. Does she know anyone who would like to go? I was about to suggest Ronnie, but then I remembered she's involved with Mack and surely they'll want to bring in the new year together."
"Van on a double date with another woman?" Georgie promptly answered her own question. "Yes, she's just gay friendly enough to be into that." She thought about the women, especially the lesbian and unattached women that she and her best friend knew. They needed someone who could enjoy themselves although their 'date' was straight. "Maybe Sierra would be interested. I'll talk to Van first." Planting a kiss on Jaden's cheek, she thanked her.
"Kiss me all you want, but why thank me?"
"For including Vanessa on the Palm Springs trip. I don't want to risk her being alone on New Year's Eve. Last December 31st, instead of going out with Craig, she arranged a New Year's party at her dad's house so I wouldn't stay at home." She chuckled. "At midnight, she surprised me with a kiss. Only after that did she search for Craig. Jae, it means a lot to me that you would suggest we make the vacation a double date."
"As long as I get to kiss you at midnight, it'll be perfect."
Kneeling next to the bathtub, Sharon pushed the small plastic boats through the warm bubble bath scented water. There were mounds of bubbles, but her five-year-old niece had been in the tub so long that they dissipated. Five more minutes of playing with her water toys and then she would have to get out despite the argument she would put up because she would rather stay. Sharon didn't want her looking like a prune.
Because her sister Christine was working a double shift, she was keeping Bailey until the following morning. Striking a deal to tell her a bedtime story in exchange for the small child getting out of the tub (though she had intended to tell her one anyway) Sharon wrapped her in a towel and carried Bailey to one of her two spare bedrooms.
Dried off, moisturized, powdered up and slipped into a pair of her favorite pajamas, she was tucked into bed. Her aunt spent the next twenty minutes paraphrasing the tale of Sleeping Beauty. By the last couple of minutes before the fairytale ended, Sharon's little beauty had fallen asleep. Softly saying 'the end' she kissed Bailey's cheek, switched off the lamp and tiptoed from the room leaving the door open just a hair.
Her T-shirt damp from their bath play, she changed into another and headed into the kitchen in search of the dessert she made earlier. Her first time using the recipe, she hoped that what she had created tasted all right. According to her sister Nina the professional chef, if she did exactly what the recipe told her to do (and Sharon thought that she had) then her dessert would come out perfectly.
Carefully spooning warm crumbly apple crisp onto a saucer, Sharon added a dollop of Cool Whip on top and set her dessert on the table next to a spoon waiting on top of a folded napkin. With a mug of decaffeinated coffee in hand, she took a seat at the table ready to try her creation. She would have given Bailey some instead of the vanilla pudding she ate for dessert, but the little girl wasn't an apple fan.
A napkin arranged on her lap, Sharon picked up the spoon, coaxing a slice of tender apple onto it. She was about to sample when the doorbell rang. Checking her watch on the way to her front door, she wondered who that could be at 8:47 in the evening. Perhaps Christine wasn't going to work that extra shift after all. Sharon looked through the peephole and then smiled as she opened the door greeting her unexpected visitor with a hug.
"Evening, Mack. Is everything okay?" the nurse inquired while she closed and locked the door.
"Something smells good," Mack replied, failing to answer her and not doing so intentionally. "What are you cooking? Apple pie?"
"Apple crisp. Would you like me to dish you up some?"
The younger woman shook her head. She hadn't been able to eat anything all day, although Kelly attempted to feed her several times. She didn't want to be here and she didn't want to do this, but her brain informed her that it was the right and best thing to do for them both. Her heart on the other hand objected to her reason for showing up at Sharon's doorstep.
Sharon tried to decipher her expression. Taking Mack's hand, she led her to the couch. "Is everything okay?" she repeated while taking a seat next to the young singer. Her taste for apple crisp and anything else disappeared when Mack shook her head no. "Please tell me what's wrong, Mack. I need you to talk to me."
Sighing, Mack looked toward her shoes unable to meet Sharon's eyes. "This is so hard, Ronnie."
"Let me make it easier for you," Sharon replied, her expression unreadable. Her girlfriend hesitantly glanced up. "This is the end for us. We need to move on with our lives separately."
"Are you telling me that?"
Surprisingly, the older woman smiled. "I call myself making it easier for you to tell me that. It's okay, Mack. I'm okay. I only hope that we can still remain friends."
Her throat dry, Mack swallowed with difficulty as tears rushed to her eyes. Hurrying to the floor, she knelt between Sharon's legs and captured her hands. She forced herself to look into gray eyes that were a welcome invasion within her dreams--dreams that routinely caused her to awaken with a faint smile. It was her warm and fuzzy dreams about Sharon that made her face reality. Mack realized that she would never feel as loved by Sharon in real life as she did within the realm of her dreams.
"Ronnie, I love you," Mack fervently whispered, her hands tightly, yet not uncomfortably wrapped around the nurse's fingers. "You know that I love you but I don't think that you'll ever love me. I mean, I think you love me as a friend, but you'll never feel anything beyond that and it's about time that I face the facts. You've given your heart to someone else and you're having a difficult time getting it back. Maybe I'm selfish, but I want your heart and if I can't have it, then I can't have any part of you." The singer smiled though her heart wasn't in it. "You need to work out your feelings for Georgie. I'm incapable of competing."
Because Sharon didn't know how to respond, she didn't for an entire minute while she stroked her thumbs over knuckles belonging to petite hands. Leaning forward, she touched her forehead to Mack's, the words 'I'm sorry' passing through her lips. When the younger woman started crying, she pulled her into her lap, holding Mack for as long as she needed.