*Watch as both of those turn into a bloodbath of the mind
Eyes on me,
Mine on the floor.
Tiles of steel,
Iron hearts between the tears,
Glinting in the summer sun,
All until it melts away.
Marcus
Everywhere I went, it felt like all eyes were on me. The second Dash parked his car in the driveway, my world completely changed. People would point me out, whisper about what they thought they knew about me, pausing to mention something I had done in the classroom a year ago and forgot about, but stuck with the kid sitting behind me. They knew I knew. Their eyes would always linger slightly too long, almost as if they were offering a second of apology before completely ripping every detail to shreds. I was too happy, not happy enough. Not doing enough, doing too much. Whatever it was, everyone agreed on one thing: something was definitely wrong with me. I understood that. For the most part, I agreed.
This was the biggest thing to happen in our town. The last time someone talked so much about a specific topic was when the snow came down particularly heavy, breaking the roof of one of Aiden's neighbors. But then, it had been a 'it takes a village' effort, trying to get everything fixed as soon as possible so the family could move back into their home. Right now, it was completely different. It was like Kadance wasn't even a person anymore, but rather an interesting film character they all vaguely remember as the boy with the knack of throwing baseballs. Aiden and I got the worst of it though. Everyone liked Kadance. We were the weirder ones. Especially me. No one really knew much about me, including myself. I was the average kid who did average things sometimes. So instead of being about Kandace and where the duck he was, it became about how I sharpened my pencil weirdly or how Aiden chose to delete his social media after the whole incident. If I could disappear from the world right now, I would. But I can't. Even if I just went away, my spirit would refuse to go. It was stupid like that.
Dash immediately knew I was uncomfortable. I always was; pairs of eyes studying me was never my forte. I used to shy away from my cousins and aunts who would all judge the weird clothing I had worn in fourth grade, who would make jokes about what food I chose to eat and what I didn't. It was all in good nature, of course. But it was never me, never easy. Each time, it got harder and harder to keep on the facade, the eyes glaring deeper and deeper trying to dig a joke into my heart. So yet again, Dash took me under his wing, acting like I was his injured child instead of his legally adult brother who didn't know what to do with himself.
I was supposed to be getting ready to go over to Kadance's today. It's going to be the first time I'll be there since everything. I don't want to go. I don't want to see his room, see all the places we would play video games, see the kitchen where his mom would joke about milk moustaches when she gave us chocolate milk. Aiden would be there too. Both of our parents had really forced their way over there because Kadance's parents were a mess, which is expected. Their child is missing. But Kadance's mom wasn't eating according to mine, and his father had been wandering around in the middle of the night, hoping one day he would bump into Kadance in a stray alley somewhere. So it was more of a support staff nurse call, where I could only wish I would be able to help with bygones.
Dash was on me like I was on suicide watch. I don't think I'll be doing anything like that, but he kept checking in on me, watching me as much as he could. I was going to suggest that he just buy a baby monitor and put that in my room, but after thought, I think he might just do that if I give him the idea. So instead, I kept it to myself, like I kept my feelings to myself, and hoped for the best.
"What's taking so long?" Dash asked, bursting into my room as I was sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a shirt that he would lend me. "Come on, I'll be there. How bad can it be?"
"That everyone hates me."
"No one hates you," Dash told me, sitting down next to me. "I don't think most of them even know who you are. I mean, the police questioned Aiden, but not you."
"Police?" I asked, taken aback.
"Yeah, just for information and stuff."
"Was that supposed to help me feel better? That people don't even think we're friends?" I questioned, raising my eyebrows. "It doesn't."
"Look, the point was, no one's gonna fuck with you. Now get dressed so we can leave, okay? It's just dinner."
I nodded as Dash left the room so I could change. It felt so inappropriate, having a dinner while Kadance was missing. But what else were we all supposed to do? Loathe in self pity? I have no idea. Everyone's first thought was that he ran away. I hated it, but that's what I thought as well. At the same time though, it didn't really make sense. He left his phone. What would he even be running away from? He had his own place, it wasn't like he was trapped somewhere he didn't want to be. If he didn't run away, there was only one other option. The option no one wanted to think about, the option that we tried to push out of our mind. So instead, I focused on the first option, the option that seemed better through the two of them.
I started buttoning my shirt, each loop like another chapter of my life that I would have to close. Everything seemed so wrong. Tears started moving down my cheeks as I immediately tried to wipe them away, leaving my face red and swollen, giving away my whole state of mind with a look of an eye. The door creaked open when I was in the middle of trying to shake my feelings off, Dash giving me a melting look like he knew all of this would happen. Eventually, my whole face got scrunched up, and Dash just watched me, giving me a hug when I calmed down. I didn't know how to react. It just felt like there were a thousand things all around me, a thousand storms that I couldn't get away from, and I couldn't bring myself to throw the lightning bolt that would help clear the storm.
"Marcus," Dash whispered, rubbing his eyes. "You're gonna make me fucking cry."
"I'm sorry," I laughed, still wiping at my eyes. "I've had a shitty few weeks."
"No shit," Dash laughed back, still teary eyed. "Your best friend goes missing? You're ten times stronger that I would ever be."
"Don't forget about the ruined relationship," I retorted.
"That's a new one," Dash questioned, tilting his head a bit. "What's his name again? Apollo?"
"Yeah," I responded, taking a deep breath. "I really think I fucked it all up."
"You know, nothing's fucked forever," Dash told me, patting me on the back and opening the door to my room. "Including this. Now, we got to go to dinner and try to be there for the people who are hurting too. And once we get back home, we'll go to that ice cream place and stay out all night."
"Stay out all night? Who are you?" I smiled, referring to all the times he would get mad at me for doing the same thing.
"Shut up. I'm your cool older brother."
"Sure," I nodded, rolling my eyes.
We both walked out of the room, following Dash as he entered the kitchen of our house, taking out the food my mom had made for Kadance's. My parents were running around the house, trying to find my dad's dress shoes. We eventually all got ready, piling into my dad's SUV as he blasted the heater to overcome the chilly winter air. We were all mostly silent, not knowing how to get the conversation going. My parents didn't really know what to say. They tried to understand, but they couldn't really be there for me in the way they thought they were. Dash was really much better at it. I was glad for it, glad for anything, really, because I truly felt stranded on desert island with no resources left for me to find.
"You know, we haven't seen Kadance around in a while," my dad mentions, looking ahead at the road.
"I've been at college," I replied instantly, shrugging my shoulders.
"Yeah, but even before that," my mom added, looking back at me for a second. "I don't get it."
"Mom!" Dash immediately exclaimed, trying to end the conversation. "Seriously?"
"What? I'm just asking, trying to understand all of this."
"Dash, it's whatever, it's fine," I whispered, fiddling with the tie I was wearing.
Everyone fell silent again, soon reaching Kadance's house. It looked the exact same as it did before. I guess that's what everyone else would expect, but I guess since everything was so different, I imagined his house would change too. You just expect that the world would change around you too, but it doesn't. I wished it would. It would be easier for everyone to adapt, rather than some having it worse than others, some trying to survive, others just watching by.
Kadance's mom answered the door and gave me a half assed hug, her eyes giving away the fact that she hadn't slept in weeks. There were missing person flyers everywhere, a last resort when they had nothing else to do. Everyone was busy cleaning up the house for Kadance's parents, trying to help in any way they possibly could. There were piles of food on the kitchen counter, where Dash placed the food we had brought, only adding to the many different dishes.
I could see Aiden standing in the corner of the kitchen, dressed up in a blazer I had last seen him wear during graduation. It was weird seeing him dressed up. He never wore anything like that unless he absolutely had to. Usually, I would never imagine him with fancy clothes here, but it was like it was a promise to Kadance, anything we could do to make ourselves feel even more uncomfortable about ourselves than we already were. I wasn't planning on going up to him, but he ended up coming up to me, which surprised me heavily. Dash left as soon as he saw him walking towards me, giving me a good luck pat on the back, knowing things were a bit messed up with us. That was way too much of an understatement. I guess I didn't really know any other way to put it. Everything was just scrambled up in four hundred different ways that I could only imagine terribly, an ending that I would never like to see ever again.
I waved a little hello, not sure what to say as Aiden helped me organize the food, then asked if we could talk. I nodded, and we went to an emptier area of the house, where people were currently making missing flyers. I never really thought those did anything. They were just an ease of mind, something to keep people occupied when there seemed like nothing else to do.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Aiden said right away, taking a deep breath. "I was drunk. Stupid. Looking for someone else to pinpoint my self hatred on."
"Who is this? Talking about your feelings?" I laughed slightly, trying to make the atmosphere lighter. "I'm sorry too. I was an asshole."
"Look, I just want you to know that it's not your fault that Kadance is gone. Okay?" Aiden assured, trying to give me a smile. "It's really mine, so..."
"I don't think it's anyone's fault," I sighed, shaking my head. "Look, it's... it's not going to help, you know. Pinning the blame on people who don't deserve it."
Aiden nodded his head as a yes, agreeing on a mutual agreement. I wanted to ask Aiden about the alcohol thing, but I knew it would be too much right now. We both looked like we were on the verge of tears. Instead, we both ended up parting our separate ways, helping around the house until it was time to leave. We only saw each other again before I left to go home, a brief 'happy holidays' exchanged between us and an awkward high five that hung in the air way longer than it had to.
We ended up getting back home at twelve in the night. Dash took me through the door, making sure that we didn't hit any squeaky floorboards on our way out. He let me drive his car, which was weird because he never did. It was his baby, bought with some of his first paychecks. It wasn't particularly nice at all. In fact, the sentimental value outweighs the price, but it still meant a lot. It was nice to know that someone still trusted me after I stopped trusting myself.
We drove to the ice cream place that I would always go to. They were open twenty four hours, putting it at the top spot of where kids in the neighborhood went when they had nothing better to do. The lady at the store recognized Dash, catching up with him about how everything was going. We sat on the bench outside, eating ice cream in the cold. The overhead lights shone right into our eyes as Dash practically inhaled his ice cream in one go.
"It's crazy being here," I started, smiling. "Feels so, I don't know, surreal."
"Why is that?"
"I guess after a while, you're so used to being sad that you lose the feeling of happiness," I answered, shrugging my shoulders.
"You know, if we were getting used to things, you and I would be barely talking anymore."
"Yeah, well, I'm glad that's not the case."
"Does Apollo make you happy?"
"What?" I questioned, raising my eyebrows.
"You know, before all of this shit, I've never seen you happier. Excited for something. Looking forward to a thing for once. And I think if he makes you happy right now, go talk to him."
I never once thought, not in a million years, thought that I would be sitting here, talking about a guy that I cared so much about. I wish I could have told Marcus from years ago that he would be fine with all of this. That despite all the horror stories, things would work out fine. At the time, it would be the nicest thing anyone would say to me. It would mean even more if it came from myself. My brother- a word that actually had meaning now. The last light, the last stupid hope that I couldn't have wished for in a better time.
"Would you forgive someone who stopped talking to you on a whim?" I questioned, propping my head up with my hand. "I know I wouldn't."
"I would."
"Why?"
"Because I think you're more mad at yourself than he is at you."
The truth is, I think he's right. If there's anything I learned today, it's that no one can hate yourself more than yourself. That self destructive behavior you could only wish to go away, the one moment of silence that you can never escape. The mind inside a mind, one inside the other, everything hurts to an extent that I would never be able to reach. So maybe forgiveness, whatever the hell that is, would maybe be okay. In a world where we can't ever see the actual light, just the ball of sun we hold onto for light, I wish for myself only the moon, even if others don't agree. Even if not for me, I could offer some time of solace to make an eclipse that everyone would enjoy. I think we might end up just fine, the sun and the moon's harmony an ever balancing system with this revolving rock of a planet we call Earth.