"So what's your brother like?"
The question was met with groans all round.
"Luz, would you stop with the questions? Jesus," Johnny grumbled, resting his head against the window with a bang which must have hurt.
"What? I'm just wondering," Luz defended, and slumped back in his seat.
Posey, sat opposite him, couldn't fight her smile; whilst it was true that he'd done nothing but talk since they'd left Aldbourne, he was doing wonders to ease her nerves without even knowing it. As they pulled away from London and back into the countryside, Luz's chatter was almost as constant as the low rumble of the train beneath them and the gentle shaking of the glass on the windows.
"He's, um," Posey began, and had to clear her throat before continuing, "he's not very well right now. Obviously, because he's in hospital. But I also mean that he's not really himself. I'd thought that after I'd experienced some combat he might loosen up a bit but he hasn't, not really." At the hard stare Johnny was wearing as he watched her, she rushed to add, "He means well, though. He's lost everyone in his crew as well as a limb and all of his toes, so he's got a lot to be down about. I think he just wants me to be safe, really."
Luz nodded. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." He turned his eyes out of the window, where the sun was already setting and bathing the train compartment in a saturated orange light, before turning back to face her abruptly. "Say, -"
"Luz, you are gettin' on my last fuckin' nerve," Guarnere hissed from beside Posey. "You ain't even supposed to be here so can it with the questions, alright?"
Posey hid her smile in the collar of her ODs. As much as she didn't mind Luz's chatter, what Guarnere said was true; the only reason he was there at all was because he'd refused to stay behind. Even when he hadn't been able to wear any of them down into letting him come, he'd followed them. Posey had no idea why he was so determined to make the trip but she guessed it had something to do with making sure he wasn't being kept out of the loop anymore - he hadn't been pleased to discover he'd known nothing of Posey's visits to her wounded brother, so perhaps this was his way of ensuring that nothing of the sort could happen again.
Posey twiddled her thumbs once they had lapsed into silence once more, her mind racing a mile a minute as she considered how many rules they were breaking by doing this. Unable to help herself, she spoke up abruptly. "Do you think the others will be alright?"
"You two are just as fuckin' bad as each other," Johnny huffed, but he didn't look all that rattled.
"They'll be fine," Guarnere asserted, and his tone left no room for argument. "Long as Heffron can keep his mouth shut if one 'a the officers stops by the barracks."
Posey nodded, more to reassure herself than in response to the question. With every meter they progressed closer to Wiltshire she seemed to become increasingly conscious of how much trouble she could be in if anyone found out. Not only would the lot of them likely be court martialled - and she couldn't stand the thought of getting her friends into trouble - but if anyone found out who she was going to visit, it wouldn't take very much to unwind her great spiral of lies from there. All of a sudden she had the overwhelming sense that this had been a terrible, terrible idea.
"How long's the journey usually take?" Luz asked, looking between Posey and the sunset outside of the window in turn.
No one berated him for asking the question. Posey thought the others had likely been wondering the same thing themselves.
"Around an hour, generally," she replied, grasping onto the seat underneath her tightly. "Though at this time of day it'll probably be a bit quicker - they don't tend to run so many trains during the night."
"So when we get there -"
"All of us will stay outside and Wells will go in. That's the plan. Okay, Luz?" Johnny demanded.
Luz held his hands up palms-forward in mock surrender. "Alright, alright. I was just askin'."
Conversation was sparse for the rest of the journey and, true to the plan, when they arrived at the RAF General Hospital the three men remained outside. Posey shot each of them a smile before heading straight into the building which contained Ward Number Five, walking with a purpose to minimise her chances of being stopped; whilst she didn't know for certain what visiting hours were, she was rather certain that they didn't encapsulate 2200 hours.
The hallways were eerie at night. The sound of her footsteps on the floor seemed to echo off of the walls regardless of how softly she walked. Blackout blinds prevented any moonlight from getting in through the windows at all - always a sharp reminder of all she'd experienced during the Blitz, though Posey had new memories to fill her nightmares by now - and the floor in front of her was only lit by flickering lights on the walls every few meters.
She wasn't much a fan of the hospital by day, but by night it was more unsettling than she let herself comprehend.
When she finally made it to the doors to the ward, she pushed them open as quietly as she was able. The curtains around each bed had been pulled for the night, the men they concealed either sleeping or attempting to. Posey tiptoed her way down the walkway, shooting glances back over her shoulder at the doors every few seconds. When she reached John's bed, she exhaled a silent sigh of relief.
She paused at the curtain. Now she was here, she wasn't sure what to say. What if he was sleeping? What if he was having a nightmare? What if he needed a nurse? Her worries rushed at her so fast her head spun. She pushed open the edge of the curtain before she could talk herself out of it any more than she already had.
She found an empty bed on the other side.
Posey's heart dropped and rolled across the tiles in front of her. But, like always, it carried on beating.
He'd left without her.
All of this effort, all of the risks she'd taken, even dragging her friends into her mess, and her brother had left her behind. Just like her father had. Just like her mother had, in a way. Just like people always did.
A weak sob wrenched its way out of her mouth before she clapped a hand over it to smother the noise. She was so sick of being left behind.
Posey closed the curtain once more and navigated her way back through the hallways as though in a daze. She kept as quiet as she was able, tiptoeing where she could and ducking beneath the windows on doors. Tears stung in her eyes. She held them back. If she started to sob she knew she'd give the whole game away, and she was sick of crying for a family who didn't cry for her.
When she made it back to where Johnny, Guarnere, and Luz were waiting, all she could muster was a shrug.
"What's wrong? Did you see him?" Johnny questioned immediately.
Posey's bottom lip trembled as she shook her head, slowly at first and then rapidly. "He left me," she admitted, the words riding an exhale which quickly turned into a gasp. She held back sobs by sheer force of will, continuing to shake her head in the hopes that she could keep all of her thoughts at bay. "He's gone. He left me behind."
"He what?"
"Wait -" Posey started, standing up straight and wiping at her eyes. "Wait a second." She turned on her heel and skirted around the side of the building, sticking to the walls and thanking God, for once in her life, for blackout blinds. When she made it to the hospital's garden, another sob left her throat. "John," she whispered.
He hadn't left her after all.
She approached him slowly, warily, trying her best not to startle him. When she came to stand behind the bench he sat on, she cleared her throat.
"I'll be back in in a minute," he grumbled, his eyes set on the lake before him. "I just needed some air."
Clearly, he thought she was a nurse or an orderly. Posey fought a smile. "I came to say goodbye."
"Posey?" He whipped around so fast she worried he was about to fall off of the bench, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging agape. Like her, he had tear tracks on his cheeks. Posey just about felt her heart shatter.
"Yeah," she murmured. She gestured with her head to the bench and he nodded, so she came to sit beside him. "I thought you left me," she admitted. She chose not to mention his tears.
Turning her eyes on the lake as well, she let out a quiet sigh. It looked like a mirror under the moonlight, or a portal to another world. The sky it reflected seemed clearer, somehow, in the water, and stiller, too. There was less chaos in whatever world was beyond. Less struggle. Less pain.
"What do you mean?" John asked, equally as quiet.
"I found your bed empty. I thought you'd been transferred to another hospital or discharged or something."
"And you thought I wouldn't tell you?"
Posey shrugged, shrinking into herself. It seemed so stupid now.
"I wouldn't do that, Posey," John said, his voice more earnest than she'd heard it in a while but just as serious as it always was. "Not to you."
"I know."
"I know I've been hard on you but you're still my family. I really wouldn't do that to you."
Posey nodded, even though he wasn't watching her. "I know."
"You said you were saying goodbye?"
Posey didn't know why it was easier to talk to him in the dark. In the ward during the day, everything seemed to be dialled up; colours were more intense, sounds more prominent, words seemed to hold more weight. Now, outside and under the veil of night, Posey felt more comfortable sitting beside him than she could remember ever having felt, even before the war.
She nodded once more, even though he still wasn't looking at her. "We're jumping back into France tomorrow. We won't be coming back to England this time." She shot a glance at his profile and offered a weak smile. "We're in it for the long haul, now."
John closed his eyes. "You'll be okay," he said, nodding to himself.
She didn't quite know what to say to that. What she came up with, after a considerable pause, was, "I'm a sharpshooter now."
"You are?" He opened his eyes and flicked them over to her, though he didn't turn his head. When he saw she'd caught him he turned them forwards again.
"I got promoted right after my last visit to see you," she informed him softly, fighting a smile. "For my work in Normandy."
"Well done," he said. He didn't look at her but she could tell that he meant it; he never said things like that.
Posey smiled. Well done. She knew she would keep those words close to her heart for the rest of her life. Not 'congratulations' but 'well done'. It was all she'd ever wanted to hear from him, really. She felt tears burning in her eyes but pushed them back.
"Thank you."
"Who are your friends?"
"What?"
Posey glanced behind her almost as comically fast as John had when she'd arrived and found the trio of men who'd accompanied her most certainly not where she'd left them. Each of them had the decency to look sheepish, at least, where they were gathered around a tree.
"Some of the men in my platoon," she answered John without turning back around. "They were kind enough to make the journey with me to make sure I was okay."
"That's good of them."
Posey nodded and only then sat back on the bench properly. She fiddled with her hands in her lap.
"Are you going to introduce me?"
Her jaw fell open. "Uh... what?"
In her periphery, she watched John roll his eyes. "Well?"
"One of them doesn't know. About me. That I'm a girl or that I'm British. And none of them know my real name, so I think it'd probably be best if I didn't introduce you."
She was expecting a lecture on how dangerous it was to have any of them know, but he didn't bat an eye. Instead, John scoffed a laugh. "You're worried about what I'd say to them, aren't you?"
Posey coughed awkwardly into her fist. "Well, we should be getting back, I think."
John chuckled under his breath but didn't make to protest. He simply nodded and turned to look at her fully for the first time since she'd gotten there. "Look after yourself, okay?"
"I will," she assured him, feeling slightly unnerved by his sincerity. "Promise."
He watched her closely for a few moments before finally, eventually nodding. "See you," he offered.
Posey shrugged one shoulder and quirked a small smile; she knew that was as good as she was going to get and it was enough for her. "See you." She inclined her head to him and took one long, hard look at him to commit his face to memory, even largely covered by the blanket of darkness as it was, before getting to her feet and approaching Johnny, Guarnere, and Luz.
"You done?" Guarnere asked as soon as she was close enough to hear him.
She nodded, fiddling at her ODs. "Yeah. Thank you for coming."
All three of them shrugged and offered a variation of 'no problem', which made her smile.
"Don't we get to meet him?" Luz asked after a beat of silence.
Posey rolled her eyes. "Insatiable, you are," she told him, but she wore a smile that betrayed her fondness. "No, you don't get to meet him. I don't think he's in a position for that just now." Half a lie and half a truth; she really didn't think he was ready for it.
All three offered a nod and Posey stepped past them to lead the way out of the hospital and back towards the train station. They'd get there with time to spare and maybe even be able to catch an earlier train. The whole ordeal hadn't taken as long as she'd been expecting - even now, she was always expecting more conversation of John than he was able to give. When she heard a hushed voice call out behind her, she halted in place.
"Don't worry, we're lookin' after her for ya!"
Posey whipped around lightning fast. "Bill!"
He realised his mistake a second too late. All eyes shot to Luz, whose own eyes flitted between Posey and Guarnere.
"Wait, what?"