The dark had always been lonely for Jasper. It was a place of emptiness, a bottomless void that left him alone with his own thoughts. No matter what he tried to divert his pondering, the echoes of haunting gunfire always seemed to ring in his ears after some time.
Being left alone with his thoughts for too long was never good. Eventually the voices would come back, the guilt, the fear. The horrible nightmares he relived whenever he'd travelled alone before he found Tom's group had left him with days of sleep deprivation and his own sanity deteriorating.
Jasper desperately shoved those thoughts away, closing his eyes tight and focusing on the rhythemic sound of his own anxious tapping. He had to move, but there was nowhere to go. He was going to die the next day. The sudden weight of his situation hit him like a train, knocking the breath from his lungs. His throat felt tight, his chest squeezing. A cold sweat broke out across his forehead. Cohen probably covered his tracks. They're going to find nothing and I'm going to die.
An uncontrollable, hysterical laugh bubbled up from between his lips, forcing him to take sporadically rapid breaths. You're going to die. You've taken care of these people for months and they're going to kill you. Running a hand through his hair, Jasper could feel the gradual piling of emotions weighing down on his shoulders, as if the whole sky had fallen down on top of him. Anger, resentment, fear, grief. You've been a horrible person. You've hurt so many people. What is this? Atonement? You're finally going to get what you deserve now.
The creaking of the basement door opening made Jasper flinch back, his hand immediately reaching for his knife at his belt, only to remember it had been confiscated. But that didn't matter anymore. Had the group decided his life wasn't worth the wait, to end it before the time he was promised? He dug his nails into his arms. The pain brought him comfort. He was still alive. He could still feel something, anything. But he wouldn't for long.
"Jasper?" That quiet, almost melodic voice sent Jasper's heart a flutter, but it was quickly replaced with an agonizing, sharp pain in his chest. So strong it brought hot tears behind his eyes. That voice, it was one he might never hear again after the next day. His beautiful, beautiful lover. Killian. Oh god, Killian. His lips quivered, his hand clenched harder against his flesh. I don't want to leave you. I promised to keep you safe. Jasper bit down on his tongue, digging in his teeth until he could taste the salty tang of blood. Don't let him hear you cry.
It was no use. As soon as Jasper spoke, his voice cracked and all of his emotions spilled over at once. "Killian baby, come here." The door closed again, plunging the basement into darkess. The sound of rapidly tapping footsteps rushed over, then two arms wrapped around his neck. Feeling Killian's warm body against his made the pain even worse. "Killian," Jasper couldn't muster any other words. He could only bury his face into Killian's neck.
"I'm here now."
"How?"
"Casimir and Harley were posted as your guards. I guess I'm lucky I'm on Cas' good side now, yea?"
Gentle fingers pried Jasper's hand away from his arm, running a delicate thumb over the indents pinned to his flesh. "I'm not scared to die," Jasper said shakily. "I'm scared, because it's...them." He couldn't explain it. The frightening thing wasn't death. No, death would be peaceful. But when it came sentenced from the group Jasper once saw as his friends, it changed everything. "I trusted them," He continued, forcing his words through the tight lump in his throat. "I trusted them and now they'll kill me."
The darkness slowly began to creep up over Jasper, shrouding him into that familiar safe space, the transparent box that detatched him from all of the pain, from the monsters outside. "They were my friends." He said sharkily. His voice didn't sound like his own, it was suddenly unfamiliar, a stranger. "They...let this happen. Tom was my friend. He ordered my death. I'm going die, because of him I'm going to be killed and left to rot. One of those...those monsters. That's what I'll be. That's what we'll all be in the end." Another morbid laugh rumbled through his chest. "The birds, they'll have a fun time picking me apart, won't they?"
"Jasper, stop." Killian was strong. So much stronger than Jasper ever imagined when he'd first found him. That small, malnourished young man who'd been stabbed and left to bleed to death. The scrappy, quick-tempered, sharp-tongued man whose greeting was a punch to the face—was one of the strongest people he'd ever met. His voice alone grabbed ahold of Jasper, dragging him away from that glass box. "You're not gonna die. I won't let them kill you. We'll..."
"We'll leave," Jasper said softly. "Maybe we can take Darren with us, and Aubrey too. But not the others."
There was a long pause, then Killian set a hand on Jasper's chin and forced him to look up. "If that's what keeps you safe, then that's what we'll do." He murmured. A soft-lipped kiss pressed against Jasper's forehead. He closed his eyes, sinking into that warmth and safety, the haven his lover provided for him. "You promised to keep me safe, I'll do the same."
"I'm weak," Jasper said shakily, "I'm strong when I have to be but I'm nothing."
"Jasper," Killian's forehead pressed against Jasper's. "You risked taking me in and healing me up even when you didn't benefit from it. You kept those biters away from me when we got trapped in the city. You jumped down into a canyon with no hesitation to rescue me from drowning." Jasper could feel the small smile twitching at Killian's lips. "You know Army Man, a while ago a very brave somebody told me that it's okay to not be okay."
Jasper couldn't help but smile. "Really? Must've been a really smart guy."
"Yea, but sometimes he can be a real meatheat." Killian chuckled. "He gives advice but he never takes it."
Jasper pressed his body up against Killian's, craving that warmth and comfort, the safety of the other man's arms. "Maybe," He murmured, "It's his job to be the leader, the tough one."
"Perhaps," Killian relented, his voice only a soft whisper. "But sometimes he needs to be vulnerable before he can be strong again."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
Sinking into the dark and comfortable silence, Jasper drank in his partner's familiar scent, relishing in the sudden peace it brought him. After a bit of contemplation, his lips parted to speak, but he couldn't find any words. The emotional lump that formed in his throat was near impossible to break through, yet he still managed. "Killian, I know we'll to everything to prevent the worst outcome," He began. Jasper didn't know how he managed to keep his voice steady, when what he was about to say tore his heart to shreds. "But if I die tomorrow, know that I love you so, so much."
Jasper pressed his body as close to Killian's as humanly possible. As he did, he could feel his lover shaking. Killian was terrified, but keeping it together—just for him. "I love you, more than anything," Jasper repeated. "But don't be sad for me." He paused for a few seconds, swallowing back the choked sob that threatened to break his resolve. "Even if I'm gone, promise me," Jasper forced himself to sit up and look Killian in the eyes. He heard a pitiful whimper, then an aching, soft crying. He held Killian's cheeks in his hands, wiping away his tears with his thumbs. "Promise me you'll stay strong, make yourself happy."
Jasper forced a smile, "You remember that home we talked about finding, yea?" Killian nodded, sniffling. Jasper's voice began to shake, "You find it for me. For us. Promise me."
"It won't be perfect without you." Jasper could tell that Killian was trying to keep his voice steady, but it shook nonetheless. The younger man swallowed then said, "But I will. I promise. I'll make it perfect for you. For us." Killian moved closer, curling up against Jasper's chest. "Thank you," He said, "For everything."
"Keep Darren with you." Jasper said, "He'll make sure you're safe." Hesitating for a few seconds he then added, "My jacket, dogtags and weapons. When I'm gone, they're yours."
"Not when." Killian corrected. "If."
Jasper nodded. "If." He agreed. "But hopefully, if they plan to get rid of me, we can manage to leave before they do."
"Do you think we could convince them to just let us go?" Killian asked.
Jasper mulled over the idea for a long time, but eventually concluded, "No. If they see me as a potential biter, they're going to want to get rid of me. Maybe they'll see it as preventing other people's deaths, or maybe they'll see it as merciful. Probably both. But they won't let me go."
"That's what I thought too." Killian murmured. Silence trailed at the end of their conversation. Jasper was usually made uncomfortable by absolute quiet, but not around Killian. With Killian, he could relax and enjoy the mutual company.
Eventually Jasper's eyelids began to grow heavy and exhaustion began to weigh down on his shoulders. His mind grew drowsy, muscles loosening. Without Killian he wouldn't have been able to sleep. But now, it was inevitable. "They're not going to like it if they catch you down here," Jasper mumbled. "So you should sleep in our room. But don't go until I fall asleep...okay?"
"Okay." Killian murmured. Jasper felt his lover's soft lips against his forehead, then a soothing hand running through his hair. "Go to sleep, love." Killian whispered. "I'll sort it all out tomorrow. I'll keep you safe." Just as Killian finished his sentence, Jasper could feel the gentle blanket of unconsciousness folding around him. The world drifted away into a foggy distance, until there was nothing left.
❖ ❖ ❖
"I don't mean to be ungrateful," Jasper rasped, "But I'm not hungry." His nose wrinkled into a distasteful snarl, forcing himself to turn away from the tempting, warm scent of fresh venison and a ripe apple picked from the orchard. "Even if I was," He said, "I won't take anything from any of you anymore."
Tom studied Jasper for an uncomfortable amount of time, his brows narrowed together. There was a certain softness in the man's eyes that Jasper loathed. He wanted none of their pity. They'd lost the right to feel any sort of warm emotions towards him the moment they'd sentenced his death. "Jasper," Just hearing Tom's voice was enough to make Jasper's stomach curl sickeningly. "I wish I had more choices. But I have to think of everybody."
The group leader held out the full plate of tantalizing food, but Jasper refused to even look at it. Instead, he stared Tom straight in the eyes. The longer he looked, the angrier he became. He clenched his jaw, biting his to gue until he couldn't take it any longer. "You have no right to to offer me anything," He spat. "You have no right to speak to me, to look at me, feel anything towards me!" As Jasper spoke, his voice raised until it hurt, clawing at the back of his throat. "You wish you had more choices? You wish you had the power to prevent this?" He continued to rage. "You are this group's leader, and you sentence me to my death!"
From the doorway of the basement, Jasper could just barely catch a glimpse of the rest of the group avoiding eye contact, looking away from the basement. To Jasper's satisfaction, Tom took a small step backwards. "I have done everything to keep all of you safe, everything to protect you all, everything in my power to provide for the lot of you pathetic, weak imbeciles who haven't had to work a day in your lives! But this, this is how you all repay me?"
Taking a threatening step towards Tom, Jasper's lips curled into a vicious growl, his brows narrowed and his voice filled with nothing but hatred. "Now, you'll force me to leave Killian behind in a worthless group who never even cared to once give him a chance to be treated with respect? No, Tom. I won't take anything from any of you. Not your pity, not your sympathy, not your food or water, bone of your excuses. You don't have the right to apologize to me, you have no right to feel sorry for what you've done!"
As Jasper came to the end of his tirade, he whipped around to turn his back on Tom, facing the farthest corner of the lonely basement. "Leave me." He said shakily, clenching his fists. "Leave me before I give you what you deserve."
There was a long pause, a sudden tension that suffocated the air. It was broken when Tom relented with a deep sigh, "As you wish." It wasn't a minute later that the door to the basement closed, leaving Jasper wallowing in the shadows, alone in an endless void of darkness.