Whoo boy, I'm back and ready to write. This piece of alternate reality comes from a cool guy named Guikoi. Check him out right now!
And Shout outs to The unknown Plague for being a good beta yet again.
Cue the lights and before us sat Salem, Cinder and her underlings, and Ozpin alongside the usuals.
"It sure has been a while hasn't it." DB sighed, sounding somewhat dejected.
"We've literally just waited here for a seconds." Yang pointed out.
"Lots of other cool authors sure have gotten ahead of me." He said more dejectedly.
"Who?" Ruby asked.
"Nothing... let's just see what's in store for this one. Hmmm... Oh! Jaune the Dense!" DB sounded rather excited for this one.
"Wait I thought this was supposed to be an alternate universe." Pyrrha said, receiving nods from most of the people in the room. Even Cinder nodded, having seen this boy's... lack of subtle understanding. "This doesn't sound very alternate."
"... Just watch."
S Lay the Demon Lord
The Order of the Chosen Hammer doth decree that knight champion, Jaune, shall confront the Demon Queen and satisfy his chosen duties.
Should the champion undertake the task, he shall journey to the Blackgate Castle at the dge of the Forest of Lust.
Gods be with ye.
Signed, Guildmaster Ozpin.
The crew became rather intrigued, Ozpin with a tint of nostalgia vision, "Me, a Guildmaster yet again eh?" He hadn't been that for a long time.
"Awesome, Jauney's gonna whoop some demon butt!" Nora yelled excitedly before blowing a rasberry at Salem and her underlings.
Salem scoffed, "I wouldn't cheer just yet. You never know how these universe's events may unfold."
"Someone's scared of another butt whooping~." Nora whispered to her team. She knew what was running in Salem's head after watching the Salem games.
Jaune looked away from the parchment and directed his attention upwards. Blackgate Castle stood in front of him, with the cullis closed and a horned skull atop the gate. "Hellooooo! Anyone there? I'm here to slay a Demon Lord? Can you let me in?" Afterwards the cullis began to rise, allowing Jaune inside. "Thank you!"
Jaune walked down the red carpeted halls with golden candelabras and red curtains, all made of the highest quality silk and gold. "Huh, pretty nice place." Jaune is spooked by a scary laugh, and he pulls his sword out in preparation.
"So you have come for my mistress have you?"
"Huh? I mean... I'm here to slay a Demon..." Jaune relaxed and held his sword down by his hips. The female voice chuckled.
"How about I get to play with you instead?"
"That sounds fun! Buuut... Only for a little bit! I gotta finish this up and be back in time for dinner."
The female demon scoffed at Jaune's apparent arrogance. "Huh, confident aren't you." The female demon revealed herself, long black hair and amber eyes, dressed in a revealing red dress with large red wings and a long tail with a pink heart at the end. "I am CINDER! No mortal can resist me!"
A confliction ran through the crowd except Salem, Cinder, and Ozpin. On one hand, seeing someone as a succubus was surprising yet the fact it was Cinder made it too much sense. Far too much sense.
"Anyone else confused about Cinder wanting to play with Jaune?" Ruby asked, confused by the succubus' intent.
"I am for many reasons." Cinder answered, shivering slightly. Jaune wasn't bad looking but... he was so "heroic" and dumb in her eyes. She'd never enter coitus with him, not even for stress relief... right?
Mercury wanted to comment on this yet he knew better, despite Emerald's glare. Guy really liked antagonizing the illusionist, especially on the subject of her crush/hero/master.
Jaune smiled obliviously "Nice to meet you! My name is Jaune. I'm on a quest to become a knight and vanquish evil from this plane of existence! So, what did you want to play? Not to brag, but I've never lost a game of Scrabble." Jaune crossed his arms with a smirk.
Cinder looked at Jaune like he was a retard. "...Scrabble?" She asked incredulously.
"Yeah, I guess you're right, Scrabble does take a while..."
"And here it is!" Weiss shouted, "Though as aggravating as that density can get, I'm actually relieved this time to see his dunce brain shine through."
"No kidding." Pyrrha sighed. She'd never thought she'd be elated to see Jaune not get the hint.
"But why scrabble?" Ruby asked, crossing her arms. Out of all the games he could play why that she asked herself. He knew so many genuinly other fun games, so why that?
"Indeed, I would clearly prove myself the victor." Cinder worked since childhood to make her mind sharper than the blades she could make and Jaune was clearly less sharp than a wooden bat.
Cinder launched forward and grabbed Jaune, placing her finger on his chin as she sensually rubbed her breasts on his chest "How about we skip ahead to the part where you lust for me while I drain your will and make you my—"
"Wait wait wait wait wait. You said we were going to play together. To do that we need a game!" Cinder's tail went limp as she deadpanned at Jaune, unable to believe his absurdity.
"That isn't what I meant." She growled out.
"Well according to code 16 on contracts of netherworld species, article 5 states that vocal contracts are legally binding as well." Cinder sat cross legged on the ground, continuing to deadpan, even while sitting she was still about a head taller than Jaune. Succubi tend to be quite large.
...
"...Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I'm surprised you don't know about it. You, uh, being a demon and all. You are a demon, right? Now come on, this will be fun!"
Cinder's eye twicthed. She offered him a fantasy most men would murder over and here he was wanting to play childish games. Than again, this was clearly an over exaggerated version of -
"This isn't too out of character for him." Ren mused aloud. "Despite his crush on Weiss, he never showed anyone else lustful attractions, even if their forms were more voluptuous. I think he has a thing for those with a less than developed stature."
"Indeed - wait, what's that supposed to mean?" Weiss questioned. Sure, she wasn't the most curvy but waifish?
"Whoops, perhaps I shouldn't have thought aloud." Ren calmly mused yet again.
'Does he not find me attractive?' Cinder asked herself, 'No, of course not, no.'
"AHA! Four in a row, another victory for Jaune!" Jaune proudly stated his victory while Cinder sat, moping over her lack of sex.
"Oh, you're soooo skilled." She mocked him. But of course he didn't seem to notice. She reached forward and cupped his chin once more, smiling and showing off her large fangs "Such a masterful tactician deserves a reward~"
"Quite! Take me to your leader."
Cinder activated her mind control spell, love hearts glowing in her eyes. "But wouldn't you rather have me?~"
Jaune scratched his cheek "Why would I want you?"
An arrow of rejection stabbed Cinder in the heart and her eyes went completely white out of despair. "So, uh... can I see your boss now?"
"OOHHHH SNAP!" Nora exclaimed, nearly throwing all of her popcorn in the air.
"Damn, now that is how you burn someone!" Yang yelled with glee.
"Guess Cinder isn't all that hot, hm?" Blake chuckled, displaying a rare "Yang" moment.
Yang herself coudn't be more proud. "Ohoho, didn't realize I had a second long lost sister."
Emerald glared at the screen then the Beacon students below for mocking her mistress. "Don't listen to them mistress they - uh?" Her reassuring words were cut off by the sulking glare of her mistress.
"Just... don't talk to me right now." Cinder whispered, turning back to staring back at the screen with an empty gaze.
Cinder dragged Jaune down the halls by his leg. Despite him being upside down, and having his head scrapped across the brickwork, he smiled with empty eyes.
Cinder opened her mistresses door, revealing a woman with alabaster white skin, black veins and eyes, with glowing red pupils. She was dressed in black bikini armor with a golden trim. She was lounged across her throne and talking to a large demon enshrouded in black, with horns that were longer than his arms and bulging muscles. The demon was talking to her through a small portal she had beside her throne.
"Rather revealing outfight." Pyrrha whispered but the Queen of all grimm still heard her.
Salem shrugged, taking no offense to the spartan's statement, "Maybe, but I've always favored the light and durable wear. Had I any revealing attire, I would wear it if it were necessary."
"Necessary?" Weiss deadpanned.
"I am the queen of the succubi aren't I?" Salem emphasized her point by pointing at the screen.
"She isn't wrong." Blake stated.
"Still..." Pyrrha muttered, feeling rather uncomfortable with seeing this.
"...promised 30 barrels of Alraune extract in exchange for sparing... hold on." She turned towards Cinder and Jaune. She put her hands together in front of her face and smiled towards Jaune "What do we have here?"
Cinder held Jaune upside down at arms length, he just smiled obliviously. "My lady, this human was sent to... 'slay' you.'
"Hi! My name is Jaune, I'm on a quest to become a knight and vanquish evil from this plane of existence!"
"Oh!" The lady uncrossed her legs and recrossed them, showing off her legs in a "subtle" gesture for Jaune, even though he didn't react what so ever. "About time!"
"What the fuck is this horror?" Ren and Nora turned to Pyrrha, surprised by her sudden vulgarity. Then it hit. It hit them all. Except Ruby.
Ruby looked around the room with a raised brow in confusion, "So what's going on?"
"Something horribly wrong." Blake answered, his voice actually quivering.
"Something horribly confusing." Salem replied, very, very confused on how to feel when it came to this boy yet again.
"Something oddly intriguing." Ozpin spoke, more so for himself.
"Indeed!" Jaune righted himself and pulled out his sword. "I hope your ready!" Cinder walked away and stood in the corner of the room, looking down at herself with a blank expression.
"Might I see your missive?" The Demon Queen asked.
"Uh, sure? Okay uh, hang on, it's in here somewhere." Jaune reached into his pocket and rummaged around. "Uh... So I got one of these bags, there's like – you can put a lot of things in the bag but it's hard to get things... out of the bag."
The Demon Queen snapped her fingers and Jaune's missive was teleported to her and floated at eye level, letting her read it. "Hey, you found it! Thanks!"
The Demon Queen put her reading glasses on. "Hmm, yes, this is the one I was expecting." She smiled happily at this knowledge. "Excellent! I hope you didn't detain him at all, Cinder. I told you we were expecting him."
Jaune looked between the two confusedly "What are you talking about?"
The Demon Queen laughed, her large tits jiggling "You silly boy, this wasn't a mission to SLAY me!" She held up the missive, and it could now be seen that the letter S was taped onto it. "It was to LAY me!"
"Oooohhh!" Ruby only beamed for a fraction of a second before nearly turning green and shivering, "Eewww."
"Oh. Why did they need me for that? Can't you do that yourself?"
The Demon Queen chuckled and started walking down the stairs towards Jaune. "You're cute~ Most men would be jealous to be in your position. Count yourself lucky. Many would die to be where you are... And many have."
"But that just sounds so boring! Why would anyone be jealous?"
"Damn that's... ballsy. Also quite retarded." Mercury blurted. It was ballsy considering he pretty much insulted the demon queen yet retarded because he did that and rejected himself a chance at some quality ass. Again, Mercury understood that further elaborating this verbally probably wouldn't be good for his health.
"Does... does he not understand the situation or is death his wish?" Cinder, recovering from her stupor, had to verbally question the young man's mentality.
"This is called Jaune The Dense. He simply has yet to understand." Salem was sure if he understood, he'd be more... opportunistic. Again, the weird feeling set in.
Nora nudged her female teammate. "Wow, twice in one day, huh Pyrrha?"
"Yep." As long as Jaune didn't hit her with that density, she was good.
The Demon Queen took offense to that statement "I would have you know I'm DESIRED by countless men!"
Jaune tilted his head, just like a dog "Um... What's that got to do with me? I mean if they're keeping you up at night then maybe that'd be annoying and you could use help then, but... do you really still need me for that? If you wanted to you could do it right here on the floor!"
The Demon Queen blushed but still kept her frown "WELL! You're very forward..."
"Right, so he REALLY dosen't understand whats going on." Emerald concluded. Of course he didn't. If he did, he wouldn't have rejected Cinder if he did. He couldn't if he knew!
"Now my other inquiry is, why can't I tell what's wrong with him?" Salem had a knack for reading minds of people, many with just a glance, yet her counterpart wasn't seeing it.
Ozpin let out a soft chuckle and gave his rival subtle, condescending glance. "Perhaps someone's frisky nature is overwhelming them?"
"I can only imagine your mental deterioration then." Salem retorted in a calm manner.
Jaune rubbed the back of his head "Granted, that wouldn't be very comfortable... I guess my job is to find you a bed or a couch or something? But, you probably have one of those yourself, right?"
"O-Obviously."
"Sorry. I just thought this was supposed to be a big mission, but, I guess I shouldn't complain, even if it is simple. If the Order asks it of me, then I should do it without a second thought!"
"That's more like it..." The Demon Queen was starting to get angry at his stupidity, but at least he will actually do it now.
Everyone leaned in, practically on the edge of their seats. Was he actually...
"So how does this work? Do I read you a story or something?"
Sounds of relief echoed through Beacon's forces while Salem's groaned in frustration.
The Demon Queen stared at Jaune, open mouthed, with her eyes going completely white in shock. "What?"
"What?" Jaune asked, not sure of what he did wrong.
"Do... Do you still not know why you're here? What your mission stated?" She held her arms out in front of her, trying to gesture to what she was trying to articulate.
"Well it says to help you lie-"
"It says to 'lay' the 'demon'." Her brow began to crease as she was beginning to not be able to hold in her anger.
"...Yessssss?"
The Demon Queen double faced palmed before she threw her arms out and screamed, her large wings unfurling "SEX! YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE IT!"
Salem released a long sigh of relief, "It's about time I time I told him. At that rate, they would've been there for centuries."
"Why?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S WHY YOU WERE SENT HERE!"
Jaune pointed to himself "Me?"
"Do you see anyone else!?"
Jaune turned back to Cinder "Well there's the one girl over there..."
"Fuck you..." Cinder immediately chriped.
"And that guy in the portal..."
The demon dude waved "Yo."
"Is he gay in this?" Mercury wondered aloud, "Not there would be anything wrong with that, I'm just wondering."
"No, he..." Then Pyrrha had to stop to consider this question. Then how she felt about it.
"Pyrrha." Pyrrha snapped from her mental musings by Ren snapping his fingers in front of her. When she snapped out of it, he handed her a handkerchief. "For the blood coming from your right nostril."
"Oh!" She gasped before muttering an embarrassed, "Thank you."
"That 'guy in the portal' happens to be my FATHER! And he is the one who arranged with your order for you to come here in the first place as an offering!"
"Salem has... a dad in this?!" Nora questioned, "I thought she would be made out of concentrated evil."
"We all have our progenitors." Ozpin sagely said. Now that he thought about it... who were his genuine birth parents again?
Jaune put his hands together in front of his face, before he moved them and pointed at her with them both still together "Oooh, daddy issues, huh... WELL that seems outside my realm of qualification, but don't give up! I'm sure you'll find a nice guy eventually!"
Nora began to giggle before she bursted out in laughter. Then Ruby after a second, followed by the others starting with Yang then Pyrrha, Weiss, until it finally lead to Ozpin releasing quick bursts of laughter. All of this to the chagrin of their world's Salem.
All this laughter at her, even if alternate, expense struck a nerve. Then Salem immediately realised something. "It all makes sense now..." a dark gaze was sent towards Ozpin, "Your counterpart...
The Demon Queen stood still for multiple seconds before double face palming again "How is this possible...? He planned this... of course. That bastard would send a peon like... you."
"What do you mean like me?"
She screamed and her wings unfurled again, her screams shaking the castle, "AN INCORUPTIBLE IMEBCILE, DENSER THAN LEAD! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS OFFERING! AN OGRE DEVOID OF IT'S BRAIN WOULD BE MORE USEFUL THAN YOU ARE!"
"Hey, that's rude! And you really shouldn't shout, I can hear you just fiiiiIIIIN—" Jaune was lifted off the ground by magic, as the Demon Queen held out her hand.
"Do you even know WHO I am? WHAT I am?"
"Uh... angry?"
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M ANGRY!" She dropped Jaune and raised her hand to kill him.
That's when the laughter stopped because now Jaune's life was genuinely at stake since Salem had clearly run out of patience.
While on the other spectrum, a vicious smirk graced Cinder's lips, "It's about time she finished him off."
"At the very least, I'll have rid myself one of Ozpin's more annoying pawns." Salem sighed, though there was clearly a lack of any true satisfaction. Her counterpart was to be left frustrated... sexually!
As for Ozpin, "Hmm... this may not bode well."
"Hi Angry!" The Demon Queen stopped, and slowly looked over to the 'guy in the portal' who had a smile visible through his eyes. "I'm dad!"
...
...
...
...
...
...
"I hate all of you."
"And que the sitcom music!" Nora exclaimed and everyone laughed... except for the currently sour Salem and her partial legion of doom. Ozpin was laughing on the inside and wore his signature troll face.
"Oh yeah, one more thing! A message from a good buddy!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Salem, as a quick message to you, get fucking laid you greedy psychotic bitch! Go find the Jaune of your universe and fuck him until you go raw! Who knows!? It may help with that bad case of PERMANENT BITCH FACE!
All credits for this go to Zedrin, make sure you check out his animations on youtube, they are FUCKING HILARIOUS! HAHAHAAHAHA
Salem was rather... perplexed by this message, "Who is this being and how does he know of me? And does he not understand my goals go beyond sexual gratification? I -"
"Sorry, time's up, I got to do the next video and fast! Good night folks!"
Pitch black.
OMAKE TIME!
"And you want me to go there... why?" Jaune asked, more than confused by the destination shown on the scroll labelled 'Warning: Immense Danger Zones'."
"Because the fate of Remnant depends on you." Ozpin spoke with a rare passion in his voice and for emphasis he slammed the end of his cane upon the ground.
Still, Jaune felt the need to inquire more answers, "But... but why do I have to go in a box... and only wearing a present wrapping across my crotch?"
"Because that's all you need."
"But -"
A stern glare was set upon Jaune by the headmaster, "Mr. Arc, may I remind you of the fake transcipts and nepotism?"
It shook him, having never received a warning from his headmaster, especially regarding something so damaging, "N-no." He whimpered.
"Excellent, now get in this box." Ozpin ordered, pointing to a large box brought in by two Atlessian guards with 'TRUCE - I SWEAR!' written on it.