I had finally gotten everything I had ever wished for growing up.
My face didn't show any emotion. I stared blankly at the plate of food in front of me. No part of me felt any desire to eat it. The sauces had been spread with swirls and small designs carefully to add some idea that we held a prestige above everyone or that the food would somehow taste better if it looked better.
They gave us silverware for this meal of tender meat and seasoned potatoes and other small colourful side dishes. It has small designs of twisted lines and flowers and I studied it closely to avoid the eyes of anyone. Kai was sitting at the end of the table promptly ignoring me but also refusing to speak to my father who sat next to him and across from me. Nari was next to me and she was staring at me like I was a fire burning letters she had promised to keep forever.
She wanted me to be continuously strong so I could be her way of feeling free and rebellious. I had betrayed her expectations and now she was disappointed in me. If she thought it would turn me back to the way I was before, she was wrong. I was used to disappointing people. It wouldn't make me try to fight him. I was done with it all. It wasn't worth the effort. What use would it be to run and be free? I was here to protect my mother and my country.
My mother was gone and my father could take care of his own country.
He told me he could take this all away whenever he wanted. He clearly didn't see much value to this marriage. So, why should I? Why should I work to fix something that was never whole in the first place? It was always meant to be fragmented. I was never meant to love the man next to me. I was never meant to show him kindness, I was only ever meant to sit silently next to him and be the calm faced picture of obedience.
Here I was.
No more emotions plagued my face. I wasn't fighting him. I wasn't doing anything to him. I was here and that's all he could ask for. I wouldn't give any more or any less. I would just exist in the shadow of him, barely existing and no longer living.
"Aera." Nari's voice was a low mumble, hidden from the rest of the guests. "Why... What happened?"
I felt I had somehow found the cord that connects my face to my heart and cut it. I gave Nari a soft smile and took her hand.
"Nothing's wrong." I let go of her and let the smile fall from my face. Nari moved around me to glare at Kai.
"What did you do?" Her whisper was violent and was on the verge of being disqualified as a whisper altogether. Kai gave her a smile similar to the one I had given her.
"Thank you for your concern." He nodded to her and continued to eat.
"You broke her." She grabbed my arm and I winced. She quickly let go and examined my red, sewn up wounds. "Oh, I'm sorry."
I felt Kai's gaze on my arms. Whatever. He wasn't concerned. My father on the other hand... his gaze was seething as he stared at the wounds.
"What happened?" He leaned forward and his concubine next to him looked annoyed to lose the attention she had been getting.
"Nothing. I fell." I folded my arm and let my fingers curl over the wounds. "What do you care?"
"Do not speak to your father that way." His concubine scolded me with such fervor that any other day I would have laughed.
"It wasn't rude. It was a genuine question." I met his eyes in my new cool calm.
"Should I not be concerned for the safety of my daughter? How am I to know if her new husband treats her well?" His gaze landed and rested on Kai.
"Of course-"
"He hasn't killed me yet." I spoke over him. Kai and my father both turned their glares to me.
"I think Aera is feeling unwell." Nari stood up and held out her hand to me. I took her hand only to save her face. "She tended to me not so long ago. I fear this is my fault. Your majesties."
She bowed then guided me out of the room full of people eager to get a glimpse of the drama that had been so close and yet just out of reach. Nari brought me to Kai's room and lit all the lights. I sat on the ground and wolf U-jin came and sat on my lap. I ran my fingers across his fur.
"Talk to me." She sat down and leaned against the armchair behind her.
"I have nothing to say." I kept my eyes off of her and the wolf.
"You always have something to say." She let an exasperated groan. "Have you broken so fast? You're better than this!"
"I was fighting for my mother." I moved U-jin and went to the desk where my locket lay amongst my small box of jewelry. I took it out and ran my thumb over the smooth stone petals. "Why should I fight? What will it get me? Nothing. You said you wanted the king and I to make peace, well this is the cold peace we are frozen in. I don't know if he'll ignore me or kill me but either way the fighting will stop."
"Kill you?" She stood up. "Why do you think he'll kill you?"
"You mean despite his numerous threats?" I laughed. "What do you know about his first wife's death?
"His first wife's what?" She blinked and I smiled.
"We talk about it quite a lot in the Land of the Lotus." I closed my fist around the necklace.
"Aera..." She blinked slowly and shook her head. "You're his first wife."
I lowered my hand and turned to face her.
"What do you mean?" I gripped the necklace tighter. She stood up and studied my face.
"Whatever you think you've heard about Kai isn't true." She took a step towards and and I leaned back against the desk. "He's never been married. We've been at war, Aera. It's normal for propaganda to be spread."
"But-" The door opened and I fell into myself. I shut down and let my face fall into nothingness. Kai walked straight past Nari and right up to me.
"What was that?" He pressed. "What was your plan? Starve yourself? Make me look bad? What do you want?"
"I want nothing from you." His eyes went to my hands. He grabbed my wrist and wrenched open my fingers. He took the necklace and moved forward to grab it but he held it above me.
"Give it back!" I screamed out. "It's from my mother! I don't have the key! Please!"
"It doesn't need a key!" He shouted back and I stopped reaching for it. He stared at me for a moment then lowered it down to eye level. He pulled one of the lotus petals and it clicked open. I moved forward and looked inside. A little scroll wrapped around a tiny phial.I took the scroll and Kai took the phial.
No woman should die at the hands of her husband. I won't. I will use the same thing. He'll tell you he did it, but I have the power now. You need power too. If everything else is gone and he's going to do it, you do it first. Your father will wage war either way, at least save your dignity. I'm so sorry this is your life now. I love you and am with you forever, Mom.
I crumpled the paper in my fist and sunk down to my knees.
"This is poison." Kai looked down at me and I slowly raised my hand and opened my palm. He snatched the note from me and scanned it, Nari came over and read it over his shoulder.
"Oh my..." Nari covered her mouth.
So my father hadn't killed her. She'd done it herself. Coward. I pressed my palms to my eyes and blinked back tears. I always thought she was strong for having a calm face. It turns out she was just as destroyed beneath that calm smile. I walked to the desk and grabbed the wolf's leash. I went and clipped it to his collar.
"What are you doing?" Kai asked.
"I'm taking U-jin for a walk." I spoke in a harsh tone and knew I wouldn't be able to hide my emotions for a moment longer.
"We're not calling him that," Kai answered softly. I glared at him.
"Then pick a new one." I walked out the door and U-jin pulled me down the staircase. I felt hot tears burning against my cheeks. It felt like they might leave scars, dragging down my cheeks like blades.
Everything was falling apart.
Nothing was safe.
...
I wished she hadn't sent me anything at all.
I was lying on the damp grass, U-jin was nuzzled beneath my arm and resting on my stomach. The stars were spread out before me like a story written in scrolling calligraphy. Beautiful but distant.
She was telling me to give up on a losing fight.
It made sense.
I could see why she said these things. I could see why she thought she was helping me. I could see... I couldn't understand why she couldn't just tell me I was strong enough to get through this and survive. She didn't think I was strong enough. She didn't believe in me. I wished she had lied.
Because now I had to know that I believed in myself more than my mother. She was supposed to be the one person who loved me and believed in me. Now I was the only one left to care for myself. I didn't want to be so alone. I didn't want to let these people in either.
"What do you think, Wolfy?" I asked. "What am I supposed to do?"
I waited for an answer I knew wouldn't come and let out a shaky laugh.
"You're saying you believe in me?" I scratched behind his ears and he yawned and put his paw on me. "Okay. You get to be the number one man in my life. I'll be your best friend and you be mine, but don't betray me okay?"
I laughed at myself again and closed my eyes. I let my breaths move my entire body with them. The only person I could allow myself to be moved by was myself. My mother had always wanted me to cut ties with my emotions, it seems she had failed at that herself. I wasn't going to cut ties with my emotions. I was going to use them. I was going to use the anger and pain and grief and I was going to survive.
And she was going to have to watch me suffer and struggle and live.
An emotional wreck? Probably. Weak? Definitely not.