Skydiving felt like willingly surrendering to the whims of the gusty wind, like a dance with uncertainty where the ground below became an abstract canvas waiting to catch your free descent.
I felt like if I went high enough into the open theater of the blue sky, I'd descend after seeing the end of the world and go back with the secret of the universe lying within the grasp of my tiny hands.
The drive back to my house was silent. Without even turning to confirm if it was true, I knew. I could feel my mom's intermittent glances at me. She didn't even say anything about my hair. Like she'd vowed to herself not to say anything to me.
As we got home, Gianna was busy with the online classes mom signed her up for since she couldn't go to school anymore and was under management for the meantime. As mom dragged the IV pole up the stairs and towards my room, she still kept to herself.
I balanced on the chair and took off my sweater. She took a look at my port and disinfected it before pulling out the medicine from her store carton. As soon as she infused the medicine in, I could feel the veins on my face popping out to the pain.
"Mom, my bones hurt." I told her.
"They would." She simply responded.
She packed up and controlled the drip solution before heading towards the door. The sigh that she let out confirmed to me that she definitely had things she wanted to say. You could tell from the way she refused to meet my gaze that she was angry.
She headed towards the door and only stopped halfway and then turned to me with an exhale.
"Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe that your attitude towards your condition is why it feels like the chemo isn't working?" She asked me, dropping the carton and folding her arms across.
"You don't think that I love to be the one in this position, do you?" I questioned her as well.
"Don't do that Raine. Even a stranger can tell that you've given up on yourself." she threw out her hands in the air in frustration.
"Mom, I am not Gianna, you know very well that you didn't find me stage one." I responded.
"You know who else we didn't find stage one? Your Dad! And guess what? He fought until the very end."
"And even though he held onto the world tenaciously. It still didn't keep him away from the death that took him."
"Do you maybe not care about yourself? Think about Gianna, your friends from school? Your aunt Kate? Think about me Raine."
"Mom—"
"Hold that thought in your mind, because if you don't know I'll tell you. You're being selfish, that's what you're doing."
"What exactly am I supposed to do, Ma?" I asked her.
"Fight. For goodness sake, embrace your condition and fight. Do not push people away because you've given up on yourself."
She picked up the bag and looked at me one last time before heading out the door and saying,
"I really hope you'll listen to me."
I woke up with a crazy thirst for alcohol.
There was no distraction, my phone had been off since the day I came home. It had been four days since our conversation but my mom's words continued to replay in my head. I tried reorienting my mind towards chemotherapy and even though it didn't mean that my bones would stop hurting, I still held onto that hope.
I headed out of my room that evening after a long stay of staying indoors and streaming whatnot on the computer. I found Gianna in front of the tv trying to loosen her braids which mom had made for her. I then sat in front of her and started to help her with it.
"This one's tight, my scalp hurts." She mentioned casually holding on to the end of one of the braids.
The door opened after the faulty doorbell made malfunctioning noises. Sia came into the house excited as she took off her school shoes and tossed them under the rack and dropped her bag somewhere near the jacket stand.
"Raine, hi," she rushed towards us as she wrapped her hands around my neck and hugged me. I smiled at her warmness and patted her hands looking behind her to stare at the door to see if anyone else was going to come in.
"What is this surprise visit? You said you were coming tomorrow," Gianna turned to her.
"Apparently, someone cannot wait one more day to find out how Raine is doing." She plonked down on the seat next to us with a wide grin spreading on her face.
"Did your brother send you here then?" Gianna asked again.
"Yeah, and he might or might not be in the car outside, just in case." Sia kept on grinning and Gianna turned to me with a suggestive look. I shook my head at both of them and turned towards the door.
"Let's go inside," Gianna urged Sia and they soon ran upstairs to go do whatever.
My heart beat fast at the uncertainty. I wasn't sure of what to do but I knew very well that I wanted to see him. I wondered if I could be selfish and go outside to him, that was what I felt like doing. So I closed my eyes and carefully walked outside the house.
He was waiting, just like Sia had hinted. He parked his car to face the front porch and so as soon as he heard me step out the door, his gaze immediately found mine. If I could, I would run to him but I couldn't stand sitting in a wheelchair later so I didn't.
He opened his car door and walked towards me, I kept on walking towards him as well and didn't let him say a thing before I pulled into his embrace.
He looked at me, a mix of concern and care etched across his face. While I was there, still grappling with the weight of my mother's words. He led me into his car and I carefully sat myself in the passenger seat.
"How are you feeling?" He asked me.
"I don't know, Ezra. It's just... everything feels like it's closing in, you know?"
"Your mom seemed really concerned. Did something happen?"
I looked down at my toes and seemed distracted by the way they looked more whitish than before. I looked back to Ezra and found him anticipating an answer.
"She thinks I've given up, that I'm being selfish. Maybe she's right."
He gently took my hands and put them in mine. "She's just worried about you. Look, I want to understand what you're going through. You don't have to face this alone."
"It's just hard, Ezra. The pain, the uncertainty. I do not want to burden you."
He earnestly looked at me, still holding onto my hands, "You're not a burden, Raine. I care about you because you matter to me, not out of pity. This is your battle and I want to be a part of it."
As I looked at him, there was sincerity in his eyes. His eyes held trust that made me want to believe him; that made me want to trust him like I had before. Ezra held my face up to him and leaned closer as he planted a kiss on my lips. He breathed in my face, our foreheads touching as he squeezed my hands again.
"I'm here for you, Raine, no matter what. So let's take each day as it comes, okay?" He asked me and I nodded to that request.
I wanted to love him, but I didn't know how to.
Nov 26th