I took in a deep breath. "Bye George."
He took in one as well, "Bye Clay."
He gave me one last look before closing the door. I could see his eyes were wet. Then the door closed and he was gone for good.
***
I was numb. Like a dried-out lake, emptiness was the only thing that filled my heart. A hole manifested in my chest, devouring whatever happiness I had left.
I lay in my bed for days. I would only get up to use the bathroom and fill Patches's bowl. Sapnap would come into my room intermittently to give me food and to try and talk but words wouldn't come out even if I tried. I wasn't hungry, eating a few bites from the meals he would give me. The days and nights passed like a light switch being turned on and off. I had no concept of time, everything just seemed to move unbearably slow as if the universe was giving me my final punishment.
I felt dead. Sure as hell looked it too. I was but a body passing through life. There were moments where I wasn't numb but it was not happiness that took its place but deeply woeful nostalgia. My face was permanently stained with tears that I wouldn't even remember crying.
Sapnap eventually left. He tried his best to convince me to let him stay and even proposed staying at a hotel in case I didn't want him at home just so he could check on me. But I refused. He had a life to live, school to attend. It was more important than stupid self-pitying me. It was funny, I lay curled up in blankets, hating myself for not being able to move on all the while continuing to do what I hated. My mom and sister would occasionally visit, bringing me baked treats and my laundry they washed. If it wasn't for them and Nick, I just might have rotted away.
It was Friday, two weeks after George had left. Wow, was that really how I had started defining time. Maybe I should have said 14 days A.G. (after George). I was laying on my bed like usual, tiredly scrolling through Twitter. It was all the usual stuff: Bad posting about Rat, Skeppy tweeting about Bad, Quackity posting streams etc. I felt a new type of sadness come over me. All my friends were continuing to live their lives, while I sat there, doing nothing, crying every day like a high schooler after a breakup.
Curious, I went to the Dream hashtag. It was full of threads of people speculating as to where I was. Although I normally didn't stream and only posted a couple of videos a month, I would always regularly update my socials which I hadn't done. I scrolled through the comments, reading miscellaneous ones.
"Guys, we should stop talking about where he is. If he's taking a break, that's his decision."
I smiled at the comment. As quickly as I had, my face dropped.
"I think the three of them had a fight. George seems sadder on his streams plus they haven't streamed together for a while."
Did George really look sadder? No, I shouldn't ask myself dangerous questions like that. I can't seek validation from someone else's misfortunes. Plus, I doubt I could look at George's face without breaking down. We hadn't talked since he left.
I closed twitter quickly, getting away from all the speculation. My thumb hovered over the discord app. Since I had gone on shutdown, everyone had messaged asking if I was alright. Funnily enough, the first one to message me was good ol' Tommy. I clicked it hesitantly. I went to all the chats filled with "are you okay?"s and "hope you're doing well dream!"s. The sweet messages warmed my heart a little. It was selfish of me to drop off the face of the Earth and make everyone worry; maybe I should send out a quick message. I headed over to Twitter once again and opened a new tweet.
"I've been taking a break, no need to worry. Will get back to streams and youtube soon." I typed out. Before I could rethink my decision, I tweeted it and switched off my phone, throwing it to the side.
I lay with my eyes closed, willing sleep to take over but it was to no avail. Understandably so, since I had been sleeping almost fourteen hours every day.
After a few minutes, I heard a faint ding from my phone. I reached for it and saw Tommy had replied to my tweet.
"Hope you're doing well man. Take a break, you deserve it."
Behind the character Tommy showed on his streams of being this raucous teenager, he was actually a really caring guy and was surprisingly mature for his age. I smiled faintly and headed over to Instagram. I couldn't believe what I was about to do. I went to my DMs tab, typed in a message, and sent it.
- Hey
- Heyyyyy Big D!!!
I smacked my face with my hand. I can't believe I had just messaged TommyInnit.
- What's up bruv
- thanks for the twitter reply
- ofc man, no problem i meant it
- actually, there's been a lot happening
- want to talk about it
- yeah, is that okay
- of course dude how come you're not talking to George about this
- because it's about him
- oh
I then proceeded to give him a condensed version of the events. He let me explain without interrupting which I was thankful for. Just talking about George got my hands shaking. By the end of it, he took a while to reply, presumably forming his thoughts.
- so that's why George looks depressed
- does he really look that bad?
- yeah, here I'll send you a pic
Before I could say I didn't want it, he had sent a screenshot of one of George's streams. I couldn't help myself and opened the image. Tommy and Twitter were right. There were bags and dark circles under his eyes. His skin looked paler, even his usual pink cheeks had lost their colour. He looked... tired.
- do you think that means he feels as bad as I do?
- that's not for me to say, but I will say one thing
- yh?
-pull yourself together man
I was taken aback. Why did he suddenly say that?
- what
The typing symbol appeared for a while. I stared at the dots intently, waiting for his reply. He finally finished his message.
- you need to move on. If George really ended things with you, that means he wasn't the right one for you. You will find the right one someday but you need to accept it if he isn't that one. Look at yourself. Are you even eating? Are you taking proper care of yourself? If not then get your shit together because this isn't worth you harming yourself over.
I stared at the message for a while, unsure of how to reply. Without realising it, I felt my eyes turn wet. He was right. I had been a burden on my family and friends by letting myself waste away. Although I still hadn't fully accepted it, I needed to heal, I needed to understand that George and I were truly over.
- thanks tommy
- anytime. You tell me if you need anything, yeah?
- yeah
I shut my phone off for good this time and slowly pushed myself off the bed. My whole body was sore from staying in one position the whole time. I headed to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As the water heated up, I undressed. I looked at myself in the mirror and gasped. I looked worse than George, I looked dead. I had lost weight, my usual muscled form now turning almost skinny. God, how had I not realized how bad this had gotten.
I stepped into the shower tentatively and flinched at the hot water. Once I had gotten used to it, I immersed myself fully. The warm water rained down on me, coating my shivering body in a bath of heat. It felt so good. A shower was long overdue. I scrubbed my skin tediously, and with the grime that came off, so did my tiredness. Hopefully, soon, so would my despair.
When I was done, I dried myself off and headed to the kitchen. My sister had come the day before with a full pie. I took it out of the fridge and heated up the oven. I took the cling wrap off and layed it carefully inside once it had preheated. After a while, the smell of raspberry tartness filled the house, causing my stomach to growl. It was the first time I had felt hungry in a while. I took it out when it was hot and let it cool for a minute before digging in straight with a fork. I ate almost the entire thing. So maybe I was slightly hungrier than I thought.
***
The days passed by almost quickly after that. I tried my best to regain any sense of normalcy I could. I started by tweeting and liking others' tweets to messaging my friends and I even eventually joined Sapnap for a stream. Throughout the entire time, Nick called me every day, making sure I had eaten food, taken showers, and was generally taking care of myself. I was even talking to Tommy almost every day. Whenever he would stream, he would ask me to join. It was his way of getting me out of bed. I always declined his offer, not being ready to be live with that many viewers, but he persisted nonetheless.
I had finally said yes today and was sitting at my computer, about to log on to the DSMP. Since I wasn't working over the past three weeks, I had been spending more time on the smp. I had gotten to see how the new members were doing and build a proper house for myself so Techno would stop making fun of me for not having one. I only logged on when George wasn't on which was easier since he barely was anyways.
As the Mojang flashed on my screen, I texted messaged Tommy I was logging on to which he replied with "POG".
I joined vc 2, Tommy's designated vc, and greeted him.
"Ayyyy it's Big D!!"
"I told you not to call me that."
"Sorry, sorry," he said with his usual chaotic laugh. I smiled. A smile was few and far for me these days and I was happy that Minecraft and streaming was still something that could provide that for me. As well as Tommy I guess. It still made me laugh every time I remembered I was now close friends with a sixteen-year-old who was giving me relationship advice.
I stayed with him for half an hour or so, helping him rebuild his house that somebody had griefed all the while annoying him, one of my favorite things to do. Sapnap joined as well halfway through and we bullied him together. It was the most fun I had had in a while. Since George. I pushed him out of my mind as soon as I thought of him.
Whenever Tommy would stream after that, I would join at least for twenty minutes or so. Tommy wouldn't let me not talk to him and it got me out of bed every day. Somebody give this kid an award. The fandom had even started drawing fanart of our friendship and talking about how funny our dynamic was.
Today was a day just like that. I was on the dsmp with Tommy and we were talking with Ranboo while griefing Bad and Skeppy's mansion. Everything was going fine until a message popped up in the chat bar.
GeorgeNotFound joined the game.
My heart dropped and I froze. Tommy noticed and tried to cover for me by talking to his chat to distract them. I started breathing heavily and my heart was racing. I couldn't face George right now. It was too soon. I was about to say I was going to log off when I saw something in the corner of the screen that caused my heart to skip a beat. George's MC character. He walked over to us and joined the vc. I was panicking by this point.
"Dream?" he asked softly.
At hearing his voice, tears welled up in my eyes and hundreds of emotions rushed through me.
"I think he's afk" Tommy said quickly. Ranboo sensed the tension and agreed with Tommy.
"Oh," George whispered.
"So George, you never explained what an STD was!" shouted Tommy, trying to distract him from me.
"Yeah George, what's an STD?" Ranboo joined in, trying to distract him as well. I was immensely grateful for them. I tried for a few seconds to sum up whatever courage I could. I took in a shaky breath and mentally gave myself encouragement.
"Oh hey George," I said in a normal cheery voice, pretending to be surprised. I knew he saw right through me.
"Clay-"
"It's late, I think I'm going to log off Tommy," I said hurriedly.
"Bye Big D!! George, come on, tell us!" shouted Tommy, trying to regain George's attention.
"I want to tell you something Dream," said George, ignoring Tommy.
"Sorry George," I said, my voice shaking. Before he could continue, I yanked the power chord from my computer frantically. The screen turned black.
I curled into a ball and started heaving frantically, hot tears dripping from my eyes onto my knees. I thought everything was fine now. I thought I was fine. But just as when I was with him, I was being naive. Of course, it wasn't fine. I hadn't healed. I had just started acting normal again. I still wasn't over my heartbreak, I still wasn't over him.
I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself down. I had to admit the truth to myself. I had to say it.
"I still want him."
My face contorted, "I want him, I want him, I want him, I..." sobs escaped from my quivering lips, racking my whole body. I had tried to ignore the truth for so long but hearing his voice again, so soft and gentle, I finally came to terms with the fact I still loved him. It made it hurt all the more knowing I still felt the same way but he didn't want to be together. I pulled my phone out with shaking hands and put my headphones on. Music would calm me down. I shuffle played Spotify and closed my eyes to let the music block out the thoughts. But as the song started, faint recognition signaled in my brain.
I don't wanna seem the way I do. But I'm confident when I'm with you
No, no, no-
But when he loves me, I feel like I'm floating
No, I don't. I can't.
When he calls me pretty, I feel like somebody
God, maybe.
You will always be my favourite form of loving
Fuck.
You bring me back to life.
You bring me back to life. And I hate that you do. I fucking hate it so much. But I love it.
My crying had stopped; I opened my eyes to gaze out the window at the midnight blue sky.
The music surged in my ears again and I let the lyrics take me away. I wanted to see him again. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to float, I wanted him to call me pretty, I wanted him to be my favourite form of loving. I want to feel alive again. I needed him.
listen, man, the labels don't matter alright. Just do whatever feels right. Sapnaps world filled my mind.
Just remember Clay, don't hold yourself back. Just let whatever happens, happen, okay darling? said my mom in my head as well.
I finally understood what they meant. It must have been a weird sight, a guy crying yet smiling at the same time. Okay mom, okay sap, I'll fight. I'll fight for him. I'll fight to feel alive again.
***
I booked a plane ticket that night, it would leave tomorrow. I couldn't sleep, instead, I replayed Cloud 9 over and over again, thinking of George, thinking of us.
I didn't care if he still said no, I just had to see him. If I were to give up, I had to know that I tried. I had already texted Tommy and he had given me his encouragement. I told Sap and my mom as well and thanked them for helping me, even if it wasn't directly. They wished me luck as well.
At 5 am, I finally got up and got ready to leave at 7. I took a cab to the airport. Throughout immigration and security, my heart was racing. I didn't care about anything, all I cared about was seeing the one I loved.
Maybe I should have told George, but I didn't want him to freak out. Although he probably would when I arrived anyways.
I boarded the plane and sat down in my seat. Shit, what if he doesn't let me stay with him after he rejects me? Let's just say, I wasn't exactly optimistic about my chances of being with him again. Welp, guess I'll figure it out when he does say no.
The flight was unbearably long. I paced through the isles, thinking of all the ways I could ask him to officially date me. At least I got time to think.
When the plane finally landed, I rushed past all the other passengers, practically running to immigration. After that, I yanked my luggage off the conveyor the minute I saw it and ran out of the airport. I flagged the first cab I saw and headed to George's house, thankful I had once asked his address many years ago and saved it in case I ever wanted to visit him as a surprise like I was doing now. Although, it was under slightly different circumstances that I had imagined doing it.
The driver parked in front of a classic old British house. I got up, got my suitcase, and ran to the door. Just as I put my hand over the doorbell, I hesitated. What if I couldn't handle his rejection? What if he told me he didn't even want to be friends?
As I started my usual habit of spiraling, I heard a click and jumped. The door opened in front of me to reveal the beautiful boy. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.
"Hey Gogy."
A/N: Sorry it took so long for this chapter to come out, I've been super busy with school. I included Tommy in this chapter because I saw a clip of Wilbur saying Tommy had helped him, in the same way I wrote he helped Dream, when he was depressed and it made me appreciate (and simp) for Tommy a lot more. Anyways, hope you're enjoying it so far and I hope you continue to! :)