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I hadn't expected Ji-ho to be that observant. But, I was wrong. In that moment, when he had held me in his arms and told me that he knew of my secret, I felt completely shattered. I felt like the glass castle that he had promised my mother he'd protect, had been burned down.
"You— what?" I muttered, unable to move as he took a step back to look at me. We stood on the first floor in the lobby, in the public view of everyone that passed by. A chubby girl with frizzy brown hair being hugged by a handsome Korean man who knew too much about her.
"I had my suspicions about it before, but now I'm certain." Ji-ho said. "You've never eaten a single thing in front of me and now you won't eat anything even after the day we've had. This isn't good for you, it's been almost four months! I'm worried!" He furrowed his brows and placed both his hands on my shoulders, acquiescing me to look at him.
"Is this the only reason you invited me on this trip? To observe me?!" I glowered, squinting my eyes as I glared at him.
"What!?" He gasped, "no! Of course not! I invited you so we can hang out more. I like spending time with you Phoebes." He said, but his words did nothing to take away the anger I felt.
"You..." I was at a loss for words as I pursed my lips and bit the insides of my cheeks. The light in here was way too bright and it made me really mad. I pulled away from Ji-ho without another word and rushed up the four flights of stairs. My vision grew blurrier by the second and it wasn't because I was crying. The lightheaded ness was back and I tried to block out this feeling— a feeling that I'd become all too familiar with.
"Phoebe!" Ji-ho's mom said as I entered the cabin. His mother, with her thin-framed glory, approached me with concern on her clear, uncreased skin. She didn't look a day over thirty and I couldn't stand how perfect she looked. How perfect they all looked! "Are you okay, did Ji-ho do anything to you?!" She asked.
I wondered why she'd automatically assume her son was to blame.
"No, I'm just tried." I responded, holding my hand over my head as the pain throbbed.
"Then, get some rest, it's almost time for dinner, but I can save you some." She followed behind me, concern in her eyes and I was embarrassed that I hadn't thought this trip through. Of course he would've known eventually. How could I have been so stupid!?
"No, that's okay. I'm not hungry." I responded and turned to face her, "thank you. I'm just tired, I'll head off to sleep now." I forced a smile and entered the room. Seok wasn't in there, she had probably left to get dinner and I was thankful for the privacy.
I lay on the bed that I was supposed to be sharing with Ji-ho— if my mother could see me now, she'd probably have the strong urge to kill me— and shut my eyes. I wasn't asleep, but it was peaceful as the headache slowly went away. My stomach felt completely empty and thin. I was happy with it, but I knew that how I felt was definitely not how I looked. If I were to stand up and look in a mirror, I'd probably want to hurl looking at my reflection.
I opened my eyes again, looking at the faded red 'no' on my left wrist. It was almost invisible now, blending in with the veins. I hadn't brought a pen to rewrite it.
It wasn't a word anymore, it was a motto.
A couple minutes turned into hours and I couldn't remember when I had dozed off until the light turned on in the bedroom and a body weighed the bed down beside me. I opened my eyes slowly, feeling exhausted and wanting to go back to sleep. I was tired all the time now. The room felt colder than it had a few hours ago, but I figured it was due to the snow outside and that the sun had set.
"Hey," Ji-ho sat with his back facing me.
"Hi." I whispered, my voice cracking in every possible way. I was dehydrated and in dire need of water. I wanted to go home, this was a bad idea, but there were still two days left. I couldn't sleep the entire time— it would be very disrespectful.
"Um," he turned to face me and I was taken aback by the sharp jawline that I was staring at. "I'm really sorry." Ji-ho said.
I simply continued staring at him, wondering how he'd gotten his skin to look so soft and clear, wondering how he was able to gain muscle while still remaining slim.
"I was worried about you..." he said, concern projecting from his furrowed brows.
"I didn't ask you to worry about me." I said, irritable.
"I know... I can't help it Phoebe. I don't..." he froze, "I don't want you to die. And..."
"I'm not dying." I pursed my lips, wondering why he was looking to start another fight.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" He ran his long fingers through the sleek black hair that moved like silk when he touched it. He was beauty. He was perfection.
I didn't respond as he completely turned around now and sat criss-cross-apple-sauce on the bed beside me. I hoped I didn't look too wide when he was looking down at me through the sharp eyes and from the firm jawline.
"What you're doing to yourself— you're slowly shutting down every system in your body. I bet you feel cold right now and dehydrated, you're only hurting yourself. Phoebe you're killing yourself and this isn't the way to go. Look, Phoebes, believe me. I've been there." He admitted and my eyes widened. "It's miserable."
"Wh...what." I asked, feeling like an arrow was shot through my heart. I couldn't imagine him doing anything like that, and for whatever reason, I felt guilty and upset that he had done that to himself. Surprisingly enough, it made me realize how little I actually cared about myself. Or maybe I was doing this because I cared too much.
I had gone on this for a long time and I wasn't about to stop now. Even if a cute Korean dude was telling me that he'd been through the same thing.
"When I was younger... believe it or not, but I did the same thing as you. I was um... a kid that was a little bit... I'm... uh... I got bullied a lot." He explained and my heart broke for him. He was such a sweet guy, perhaps that's why we were friends. He saw me in him, "I wanted their approval so badly, I wanted friends... so I stopped eating. It got really bad. It wasn't just a physical illness Phoebes, it was mental and I kept telling myself that I couldn't ever eat again until I got skinny like the other boys. But... um... there was a line that I crossed. I was diagnosed with anorexia. I spent a few weeks in a rehab center. I relapsed after getting out and was sent back and my parents spent a lot of money trying to get me a good therapist." He took a deep breath. He was flawless in my eyes, it was hard to believe that it ever happened to him and I wondered if he was joking.
"I'm really sorry." I whispered, not noticing the tear that had slithered out of my eye.
"This was a few years ago— I'm fine now." He smiled, "it took a while. But I want to help you too. I had my family to support me, but I'm guessing your parents don't talk to you about this stuff." He implied, knowing how strict and rule-abiding my parents were.
They believed that mental health was a sham and an excuse. They couldn't comprehend that just because the illness wasn't visible, that it could still be there. It was hypocritical since they believed in a God that they've never seen.
A few years ago... that had to mean that he was probably twelve or thirteen. My heart was racing as I sat up.
"I don't want you to go through what I went through..." he continued on, "so please break this red no way of thinking because it's only going to take you down a very deep and deadly rabbit hole. Please," he said.
I looked out the giant glass window that faced his sister's bed and sighed.
Even though that had happened to him, I knew I wasn't ready to break my diet yet. I had gone on too far and long to quit now— and I still wasn't at the weight that I wanted to be at.
"Okay." I said in order to get him to stop talking. I knew it was rude and he was only trying to help. But I wasn't looking for help and I didn't want him to help me.
"Really?" His eyes widened.
"Maybe tomorrow, I'm tired right now." I said, shutting my eyes and hoping he would get the message and leave or go to sleep.
"Oh... okay." He said, taking his shoes off and shifting around in the bed. "Are you okay if I sleep here? I can sleep on the couch outside." Ji-ho said.
"I'm the intruder on this family trip." I said, "why did you invite me, by the way?"
He lay back on the pillow beside me, staring up at the ceiling fan that was slowly circling around. It was cold, but the fan made for a good way to clear the air.
"You're my friend. I wanted to hang out with you— and since we hadn't been able to do anything all semester, I just thought it would be a fun getaway from McAlester." He said. In my mind, I'd translated his words to: it would be a fun away to get away from your overbearing parents and the back-handed compliments at school.
"Thanks." I said, the desire to hurl overcame me and I jumped out of bed.
"Are you okay?" Ji-ho asked, eyes widened as he jumped out of bed and was standing beside me. I was hunched over, my frizzy brown hair falling in front of my face.
"Bathroom." I croaked. I didn't know what I would be puking since all I'd eaten was water.
"Come on," he said placing his arm around my shoulder and leading me to the bathroom.
"Is she okay? Did you get her pregnant?" Seok asked as she passed us in the hallway, a lollipop in her mouth.
"Seok, she's sick and needs to use the bathroom. Can you move?" His sister stepped to the side.
"If you get her pregnant, mom's going to kill you." Seok warned and walked away.
As soon as I walked into the bathroom, I rushed to the sink and the puke all flew out. It was a yellow, smelly liquid and appeared to be a combination of stomach acid and water. It burned my throat as it kept coming and Ji-ho stood beside me, holding my hair back and calling for his mom.
He was panicking and I was ashamed that I was destroying his family trip over something so stupid. "I'm sorry." I muttered as his mother barged in and pushed Ji-ho aside.
"What's wrong with her?! Did you get her pregnant!?" His mother shouted, following her words up in a lot of Korean words that I couldn't comprehend, but they all sounded very angry.
Ji-ho responded in broken Korean, sneaking in English words here and there.
They spoke back and forth until I finally rinsed my dry mouth out with water and apologized again. My eyes were red and watery and so was my nose.
They led me back to the bed and his mother walked in moments later with a bowl of chicken-noodle-soup that looked like it had been boiled straight out of a progreso can.
I stared at the bowl of soup, biting my lip and completely unsure.
"Make sure she eats this. I'll make her some lemon tea." She walked out of the room as Ji-ho handed me a bottle of water.
"Do you want to go see a doctor?" He asked.
"No." I responded, "I'm fine."
"Can you sit up?" He asked, sitting beside me with the bowl of fatty-chicken soup in a tray in his hands.
"Why?" I asked, the connection not registering in my mind.
"So you can eat this soup."
"I'm not hungry. No thanks. I'll sleep it off." I responded, nonchalant.
Ji-ho set the tray aside and looked at me with a look that I had never seen in his eyes before. His sister was sitting on her bed with headphones in as she watched a show on her phone.
"I want to go home." I whispered.
"Home? We haven't been here for a full day yet." Ji-ho chuckled softly.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your family trip."
"You haven't." He responded, "you've only made it more... interesting." I nodded, my throat constricting as I felt the need to cry. I had wasted so much of their time having them worry about me. If I hadn't been there, they would've had so much fun. "Besides, it's better hanging out with you than that little brat."
"I heard that!" Seok glared, looking up from her phone.
His mom walked in a bit later and gave me a cup of lemon-tea. "Why hasn't she touched her soup!? Ji-ho make sure she eats it and drinks this tea. I'm going to bed." His mother said and left the room.
"I don't want it." I muttered.
"You have to eat at some point. And it's not even food. It's just soup... and tea. You can skip over the solid foods. Just drink it, please."
"No... I can't." I gasped, crying. I felt like puking again as I shivered.
"Is it too cold?" He asked. I felt like a mess, a case that wouldn't let itself be solved and I just wanted to go home.
"Please take me home." I muttered.
"Now?" Ji-ho asked.
I nodded. He is face had a dozen expressions appear before he finally landed on one.
"Okay, I'll take you if you at least drink the tea."
"Don't do that." I said.
"What?" He asked, brows furrowed.
"Say that you'll only do something if I do something first. I don't want anything right now." I crossed my arms.
"You've changed so much Phoebe, where's that bright girl I met four months ago. You look like you can hardly breathe now."
"She left when the weight left." I muttered, shifting in the bed to face him. I was feeling dizzy again and this time, it was very uncomfortable. I wanted to leave and sleep in my own bed.
"What a shame, I really liked her." He laughed, lighthearted as my eyes snapped open.
"She was fat." I concluded.
"No... she was happy." He said, "her smile could light up a school bus."
"Are you saying you like me Ji-ho?" I blurted out, looking into his dark eyes as he stared right back.
"I'd like you a lot more if you drank this soup." He said and I pursed my lips.
"I'm still here you know!" Seok announced. I bit my lip as Ji-ho chuckled softly.
"Just one sip and I'll take you home... first thing in the morning. The roads curve to get here and with the snow, it's really dangerous to drive around here at night."
I sat up and grabbed the spoon from him and put a small amount of soup on it. I quickly put it in my mouth and swallowed.
The guilt that I felt afterwards was unimaginable.
Hwang In-yeop as Ji-ho