Dinner with Wang was something I needed but deep down didn't want, even though he did everything he could to distract me, I still couldn't get the image of Liza's hand on Mitchell's while they conversed like a loved-up couple. I was jealous, mad, and hurt even though I knew I had no right to be because Mitchell and I were anything but... I didn't even know what we were anymore.
What hurt the most was the fact that Mitchell preached about lies but he was blatantly lying to me, I had no idea how long he was meeting up with Liza in secret and not saying a word. I recalled him coming home later than usual the previous day and when I asked why he made an excuse and said he was finishing up some work in the library. I now wondered if he was lying about that and was with Liza instead.
If I didn't stop thinking, I would've stood outside my apartment door forever. I was stalling because I didn't want to face Mitchell, I knew he was back because his car was parked in the basement. I didn't want to fight or argue but I also couldn't pretend everything was alright.
I took in a deep breath and reached for my keys before gripping the doorknob but before I could even put the key in, the door opened. I was startled for a second until I met a pair of familiar eyes.
"There you are," Faith breathed in relief, "We were getting worried."
I frowned, wondering why Faith was over and when I entered the apartment, I noticed Owen was present too, but Mitchell was nowhere to be seen.
"Hey," I drawled in confusion, "Did I forget about plans we might've made?" I asked her while my eyes glanced at Owen.
"Nah," Owen answered, "Mitch called us to check if you were with us because –"
Owen was abruptly cut off when Mitchell stormed into the room, shutting the balcony door harshly behind him.
He took fast steps towards me and immediately wrapped me up in his arms, squeezing me while he nestled his nose in my hair, taking in a deep breath while doing so. My body enjoyed the warmth he offered, I ignored the slight smell of tobacco, and instead focused on his cologne and the feel of his body against mine. My mind, however, kept playing back to him and Liza which was why I stood rigid with my hands at my sides.
I was uncomfortable but felt at home at the same time in his embrace, I needed to push him away before I lost control of all logic and my memory was erased from this afternoon. I lifted one hand and awkwardly tapped his back.
"Alright," I muttered, "I'm not dead yet, you can breathe at ease."
"And let go of me while you're at it," I added.
"Where the hell were you?!" He raised his voice once pulling away, but his hands were still on my shoulders.
He appeared to be worried, under normal circumstances, I would've been touched by his concern, but I didn't know if he meant it or if he was a lie to make himself feel better.
"Um," I shifted out of his grip and put a good distance between us, "I was having dinner with..." I was about to say Wang, but I thought I should play Mitchell's game and not give him any details, "With a friend."
Mitchell looked displeased and I just knew what he was thinking, he likely assumed I was with Leo and I was more than happy to let him think so.
"Leo?" Mitchell asked bitterly.
"I have friends other than Leo," I replied as I discarded my coat.
Mitchell scoffed, "The person who refused to acknowledge Faith as her best friend now has other friends."
"Hey man," Owen who could see that Mitchell was losing his cool, "Mila is back safe and sound, can we just focus on that."
Mitchell exhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose, he didn't pay heed to Owen because he added in a snappy tone, "No, the point is Mila should've had the common courtesy to drop a text and inform me or at least answer her fucking phone!"
My phone was on silent and in my bag so I didn't hear it ring and to keep my mind off Mitchell, I didn't bother to check it but obviously, Mitchell wouldn't understand that.
"Mitch," Faith coolly said, "Tone it down."
It was my turn to scoff, "He won't," I glared bitterly at him, "He has serious anger issues and it's only a matter of time before he accuses me of sleeping with some random guy."
Mitchell looked offended and Faith's expression was a mixture of shocked and angry, Owen didn't seem too puzzled by my statement which meant he knew it wasn't uncommon for his friend to act out and jump to conclusions in a state of anger.
"My mind didn't go in that direction once!" Mitchell raised his voice,
"I don't care where your mind was, alright!" I yelled at him, "I am not a child, I can take care of myself without having to check in with you all the damn time!"
Mitchell exhaled, "I don't mean it in that way, Mila," He said softly, reaching towards me but I flinched away, "I was just worried, it's almost nine PM and you weren't answering your phone... I didn't know what to think."
I didn't hear much of his words, the only thing I could focus on were his blue-grey eyes which were gazing into Liza's eyes not long ago. I looked at his pink lips and for some reason, they always looked rosier when he was mad, but all I could think about was if he kissed Liza with them. His large hands which were moving about as he yelled, I wondered if those hands touched Liza and made her feel things which made me burn with anger and jealousy.
"You know what, Mitch," I yelled stepping closer to him, I poked his chest, "I was doing perfectly fine before you entered my life, so don't you dare stand there and talk about worry or concern or whatever the hell you just said!"
"I am a big girl, and I can care for myself, I don't need you or anyone else to check in on me and lecture me about my safety because I am far safer alone than around you!"
I was breathless after my rant and Mitchell looked perplexed, Faith was quietly observing the situation and Owen looked completely uncomfortable.
"Where the hell is this coming from?" Mitchell breathed.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shut my eyes, if only he knew the double meaning of what I just said but he was still playing ignorant and acting as if he did nothing wrong.
"Um," Owen cleared his throat, "Forgive me for butting in but weren't you guys pass the kill each other phase and now onto the endlessly flirting to try and kill me stage?"
"If I'm honest, I prefer the latter, it might make me freak out, but it beats being a referee." He added.
"Owen," Faith gave him a look and warned.
"I'm sorry," He apologized, "But Mila is home safe so can everyone be happy about it now and stop arguing?"
Mitchell glared at me when he replied to Owen, "There wouldn't need to be an argument if Mila would stop talking in riddles and express what she's feeling."
"Mila doesn't feel, remember?" I replied bitterly, "It's overrated."
"Mila," Faith said with concern, "I'm starting to worry, are you alright?"
"It's not uncommon for her to act out instead of communicating!" Mitchell answered on my behalf.
"I do not recall hiring you as my attorney so why the hell do you have to answer questions on my behalf?" I spat his way.
Mitchell sighed in frustration and turned his back to me, running a hand through his hair, "This woman," I heard him mumble under his breath.
"What was that?" I took a step towards him, "If you have anything to say, say it to my face instead of mumbling to yourself!"
"Mila," Mitchell turned around and opened his mouth to say something, but Owen put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
"You guys are making a mountain out of a molehill, don't you think?" Owen said to both of us, "Mitch, calm down and be happy Mila is back in one piece and Mila," Owen glanced my way, "Next time please inform someone that you'll be late, we were worried because Faith told us you left the hospital early and she hadn't heard from you since then."
"For the umpteenth time, I am not a child!" I insisted, "If something happened to me, you'd get a call."
"Mila!" Mitchell exclaimed, "Not everything is a fucking joke!"
I narrowed my eyes at him, "I didn't say it was!"
"Guys," Faith interjected, "Please can everyone calm down now."
I exhaled and crossed my arms over my chest, "I can't speak for others but I'm calm."
Mitchell's flared nostrils and clenched jaw were evident enough he was still pissed, the glare he kept sending my way didn't help his case either.
"Mitch?" Owen asked.
Mitchell let out a breath and nodded, "Yeah, I'm good."
Owen scrutinized both of us, "Good, so can you play nice at least until I meet all my deadlines and able to chaperone you again."
I felt bad for Owen and Faith being in the middle once more, especially hearing that Owen left his pending work to help search for me. Mitchell overreacted and included the two people we agreed to keep out of all our drama.
"We're good Owen, thank you," I smiled at him, "There was no need to send a search party, I'm sorry for... all of this."
"Yeah," Mitchell agreed, "I appreciate you guys dropping everything and agreeing to go look for Mila."
"Of course!" Faith interjected, "It's Mila, there will never be a question when it comes to her."
I was grateful for Faith, she was the best thing that happened to me in a long time, I knew she would be mad at me for hiding so much from her, but it was only for her happiness.
Owen seemed reluctant but he told Faith they should get going, Faith didn't seem impressed and wasn't convinced that I was okay – trust her to know me best.
"No," Faith stood at my side, "I'm not leaving until I know Mila is alright."
I assured her with a small smile, "I'm fine," I glanced sourly at Mitchell, "Bitchell's getting under my skin, nothing new in that."
Faith didn't seem convinced, the worry lines on her forehead were a clear indication.
I took her hand in mine and squeezed it, "I promise I'm fine Fay... I'm always okay."
"Mila," Faith began but before she could finish her sentence, I wrapped my arms around her, using a goodbye hug as an excuse to find comfort in my best friend.
I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath, taking in her mixed berry scented hair as I tightened my arms around her.
"I appreciate you so much," I told her when we pulled away, "You're always making sure I'm alright... even when I'm just throwing a tantrum."
Faith sighed, "You're my Mils and I love you, I'll always worry about you," She grinned, "Are you sure this is just a PMS thing or something?"
I nodded, "Yeah, Mitch and I will be arguing about his stupid juicer in the morning before having breakfast like old pals," I lied because I knew it wouldn't be the case, "This is normal for us."
Faith nodded and after one more hug she agreed to leave with Owen but before they could leave I stopped Owen.
"If there is anyone I approve of being my best friend's other half, it's you." I earnestly said, "But it only takes a moment to completely crush a girl's heart, Faith's heart is the purest thing so if you hurt her, I will kill you."
Owen gulped and shifted uncomfortably, he leaned in close and said softly, "Didn't we already have this talk? When I picked Faith up for our first date?"
I smiled at the memory; Owen was so crazy about her I was sure he would start crying if Faith shed one tear.
"Just a reminder," I light-heartedly said, tapping his shoulder.
"I would never hurt Faith, I love her too much," Owen lovingly gazed at Faith who was rolling her eyes but smiling.
"Good," I smiled and waved them off before I could start crying.
"See you tomorrow, Mils," Faith said before she left.
Once they were gone, I was left with Mitchell who appeared to have calmed down but was still on edge, I was not in the mood to speak to him let alone argue, so I made my way to my bedroom.
"I am not done with you," Mitchell grasped my arm.
I turned around and harshly pulled my arm out of his grip, "But I am done with you," I said between gritted teeth.
Mitchell was either stupid or an excellent actor because he was feigning innocence perfectly.
"What did I do for you to be so mad?" He asked, "I thought we were moving past everything?"
"I thought so too but I guess we were wrong!" I spat.
I attempted to walk off, but Mitchell grabbed me once more, this time firmer so I couldn't get away.
He looked at me hopelessly, his eyes looked so innocent that if I didn't know better, I would've melted, "Please talk to me."
I shut my eyes and deeply sighed before slowly opening them again, "It's best we just let things be for tonight."
"I can't," He insisted, "I need to know what's gotten you so mad at me."
Mitchell loved pushing and he was pushing all the wrong buttons tonight, I was ready to explode, it was as if all the emotions I had been hiding my entire life were boiling and bubbling, ready to burst out and leave me a messy wreck.
"You want to talk?" I yelled and pulled my hand out of his once more, "Fine, let's talk!"
"You go first, why don't you tell me where you were this afternoon? Around three-thirty?"
Mitchell frowned, "Three-thirty..." He murmured under his breath and I scrutinized him closely until realization dawned down on his features and he gulped.
"Well?" I coolly questioned.
"I was," He hesitated, running a hand through his hair, "at a café near Kendall Square."
He was playing his words carefully, he wasn't lying but he wasn't being truthful either, I could only trust Mitchell to play with words and work it to his advantage.
"Kendall Square?" I sarcastically said, "What are the odds? I was there too, grabbing coffee with a friend."
"Could we have been at the same café?"
Mitchell wasn't stupid, he knew he was caught just by my tone. The moment I asked the question, he knew that I knew, he was just prolonging the confrontation.
"Mila," He stepped closer to me, "You need to understand that she needed a friend and I –"
"How long?" I cut him off, "How long have you been secretly meeting her?"
Guilt was written on his face which proved that deep down he knew he was wrong this time and no matter what he said, it wouldn't get him out of this.
"I only met her twice," He murmured.
"So, you weren't held up at the library yesterday, you were with her right?" I accused.
"I was at the library," He was being calm, but I was ready to scream at him, "But I wasn't only there, I cut it short when Liza called... in tears."
"Of course, she was crying," I scoffed under my breath, "That's the string she pulls when she needs her puppet at her side."
Mitchell didn't like my words, the annoyance in his eyes told me he wasn't pleased at all, "That's not how it is!"
"That is how it is, but you are too stupid and blind to see it!" I raised my voice, "Liza plays you like her favorite song, non-stop on repeat until she gets so sick of it she doesn't want to hear it again but after a while, she listens once and then twice and then starts the vicious cycle again when she realizes how easy it is to play you when it suits her!"
"You don't even know her; you only know a version of her that I talked about!" He retorted.
"True but I do know you," I spat, "And I never took you for a liar."
"The hater of lies lied to me and I understand why you despise dishonesty because being on the receiving end stings."
"I didn't lie!" He insisted, "I only hid the truth to avoid this!"
I was gobsmacked, I couldn't believe Mitchell of all people would use those words, I was speechless, I didn't know what to say.
"Wow," I breathed, "You really are turning into her."
Mitchell was losing this argument; he knew it and so did I, but he refused to stand down. He pulled at his hair and groaned before coolly saying.
"Her aunt who is her father's only next of kin lives in Belmont, he was placed in a rehab center nearby and she needed some support since she's getting none from her mother," He explained.
I didn't like it, but I understood, nonetheless I didn't see a reason for Mitchell to lie unless he felt as if he was doing something wrong. That clearly was the case because people lied to cover up things that they felt weren't right.
I knew it was futile to stand here and argue with him, he thought he was right, and that Liza wasn't manipulating him once more. Her situation wasn't good, but she had her aunt, I didn't see why she had to keep crying on Mitchell's shoulder.
I turned on my heel to leave but Mitchell called, "Mila, don't walk away like this."
I turned around and narrowed my eyes, "What do you expect from me?"
"Just a few days ago you were insisting there's something between us and kissing me, but the fact remains there can never be anything between us or anyone else until you completely erase Liza from your heart," I told him, "She is still the only person who resides there, and she knows it too, she will continue to exploit and use you until you see how toxic she is."
Mitchell's patience was getting finer by the minute, "I am not fucking blind!" He yelled, "I know she was toxic – we were toxic. But we were also kids, in high school who thought we could conquer the world if we wanted."
"Everyone loves to bitch about Liza, and I get it, she hurt me – fucking broke my heart but why? All because she chose a career over love," He paused, "I know her methods at ending things were wrong, but she was torn between hurting me and following her dreams, she thought hiding the truth about moving to France wouldn't hurt me but that lie hurt more."
"We were eighteen, we didn't know any better," He said, "I wasn't the best boyfriend either, I could be overbearing, terribly short-tempered, I'd get jealous if anyone even glanced her way, I could be clingy and insecure," He admitted, "And when I think about it now, that kind of behavior from your significant other can drive one to lie just to avoid conflict."
He paused and took in a breath, "Everyone loves to paint Liza as the bad guy alone but in a relationship, there are two people and often, both parties contribute the ugly end of it," He ran his tongue over his lips and pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing, "I played my toxic part too, I can't claim to be a saint when I was far from it."
"There were many good times between us, and she made me very happy for a time in my life, she was there for me during my highs and lows," His tone was almost sad, "So now when she needs a friend to lean on, I can't be inhuman and turn her away."
I understood where he was coming from and it made sense, but it still didn't change the fact that he was still tied to her.
"Do you still love her?" I said, trying to keep my tone firm.
Mitchell exhaled and wiped invisible drool from his mouth before running that same hand through his hair. He was confused or perhaps didn't want to answer the question because he knew it would hurt me.
He shut his eyes for a moment before saying firmly, "I am no longer in love with her, I haven't been for a while now."
'Not quite the answer I wanted to hear.'
I felt hurt, my heart was cracking, and it was almost as if I could physically feel it, I knew a part of him would always feel for her but hearing it like that stung more than I liked.
"History certainly has a way of repeating itself," I scoffed under my breath, "I'm starting to understand why my father turned so bitter."
Mitchell gave me a look and shook his head, "This is nothing like the situation our parents found themselves in years ago."
"Isn't it?" I countered, "Because I think it is, once again a Brinson mends the broken heart of an Edwards/Clarke to only have them hurt and betrayed in the end."
"Hurt? Betrayed?" Mitchell repeated, "Those are precipitous accusations when all I am doing is simply being there for someone whom I once cared deeply for!"
"Once?" I mocked.
"Yes once!" He clarified, "Liza isn't to me what she was years ago but a part of me – as a human being – still cares which is why I am not going to apologize for offering her support when she's going through a rough patch."
To me it seemed as if he were convincing himself more than me, he made valid points and it was certainly admirable what he was doing but I couldn't help but feel that he was blinded by Liza's possible true intentions. I had a feeling she was using this to get close to him again, since she was permanently back in Los Angeles, she could've put her father in a rehab over there instead of here, where Mitchell lived so close by.
"Mila," Mitchell sighed, "Why are we fighting about this? Liza is like a friend who needs me at her side right now, that's it," He explained, "If Leo needed you, would you shut the door on his face?"
I couldn't believe he would compare Leo to Liza, "That isn't even a worthy comparison."
Mitchell's anger was rising again. "Why not? You shared something more than friendship with him yet he's always around, kissing your forehead and cheek, calling you pet names like Amore and Chubbles."
"Leo's always getting touchy with you and in your space. Liza and I don't do that, I barely even hug her."
"Yes, Leo does that but that's because he and his family are affectionate like that, they greet with kisses and hugs," I clarified, "Leo and I might've slept together but we were never in love with each other and that is where we differ from you and Liza!"
Mitchell scoffed and humorlessly laughed, "You naïve fool!" He spat, "After all this time how have you not noticed that Leo is madly in love with you?!"
"He fucked you, then fell in love with you – or maybe it was the other way around but then he left without a word!" Mitchell went on, "You two might not have shared a relationship like me and Liza but your situation was not far from ours!"
He didn't know what he was talking about, if Leo had any sort of feelings for me, he would've said so. We never hid things from each other, Leo knew I always let my walls down with him and he could do the same. Mitchell was reading into it too much.
"You don't know what you're talking about," I mumbled, shaking my head at his preposterous accusation.
"You're blinded or you choose to be!" He spat, "I've heard the little messages you've been leaving him for weeks now, and not once has he reached out, do you know why?"
He was busy, and Leo went through phases where he would detach from the world and do his own thing, Mitchell was misreading everything.
"It's because he knows what happened between us over Thanksgiving and he's clearly hurt by the fact that you've never reciprocated his feelings!" Mitchell said.
I was adamant that he was wrong, to get himself off the hot seat he was pinning this on me, making me feel utterly guilty.
"No," I shook my head, "You're wrong."
"God Mila!" He groaned in frustration, "This is why Leo probably never told you how he felt because you act as if you're allergic to feelings and that big 'L' word! He was so afraid of expressing his feelings because he knew the moment he did, you would pull far away from him and he would lose you forever."
"He chose the painful but safer option, love you in silence so he never had to lose you," Mitchell finished softly.
"No!" I yelled, "You do not know Leo or the kind of relationship we shared! You are just trying to make me feel like a shitty person!"
"I wouldn't do that and you know it," He retorted, "I am merely stating the facts. You are so afraid of relationships and feelings that you scare people away."
"Stop using me to make your lies and hypocrisy seem okay!" I yelled at him, poking him once more.
Mitchell angrily grabbed both my wrists and held them in one hand, he glared down at me with his chest heaving up and down to calm down.
"I am not a lowly person like that," he said between gritted teeth, "I am merely stating the obvious that you are too blind to see."
"This is why I hid seeing Liza from you, I didn't want to fight with you or countlessly explain that it is just me being a friend to her," He explained, "And nothing else."
"You should've tried explaining instead of bloody lying!" I tried to loosen out of his hold, but he tightened his grip.
"You would never understand, you would still act out like this and you know why?" He angrily spat, "Because you would've used this as an excuse to push me away just like you've pushed everyone who's ever loved you away, your dad, Leo, and now..." He trailed off and exhaled before looking intensely at me.
"You push people away to protect your feelings, I understand your feelings towards your father but what he wrote was years ago, instead of reaching out to talk, you cut him off completely," He said, "Leo left the first time because he was probably trying to outrun his feelings for you but he couldn't and I'm guessing it's because," He clenched his jaw and inched closer, "It is almost fucking impossibly to forget you!"
All this talk with Leo was messing with my mind and heart, deep down what he said made sense but I refused to accept it, I refused to acknowledge that I might've unknowingly hurt the closest person I had.
"Stop!" I yelled at him, "Stop bringing Leo up and acting as if you know how he feels when you only know the guy for two minutes!"
"You know him your entire life and you can't see what everyone else does because you refuse to!" He retorted, "You hate relationships and keep a minimum of them as possible so I can't expect you to see what's right in front of you – I can't expect you to understand how relationships work!"
His words stung, no it damn well hurt, and even though he was mad, I could hear the honesty in his tone. I didn't know if it hurt because he thought of me as a cold person who hurt anyone who tried to get close to me or because he was right.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked rapidly, I was on the brink of tears, but I refused to break down in front of him.
"Mila," Mitchell said softly and stepped closer, "I don't want to fight with you and I certainly do not want to hurt your feelings, I just wish you'd..." He trailed off and exhaled loudly.
"Too late," I murmured and stepped backward, "Bringing up Leo to shield yourself was a low blow."
Mitchell sighed in exasperation, "I can't go in circles with you over this," He murmured to himself before telling me, "I did not use Leo as a defense mechanism, I simply pointed out the obvious and my point was, yes I might not be Leo's biggest fan, but I would never tell you to cut him off."
"Of course, you won't because you have no damn right," I snickered.
By the way he tightened his jaw and the darker shade his eyes turned told me my words touched a nerve, "Who's being a hypocrite, now?"
I realized that neither of us had any right to tell each other who to keep in their life and not, meaning this fight was baseless. However, the fact that I had feelings for Mitchell prevented me from being okay with Liza being in his life, I needed to remove myself from this situation before I ended up breaking my own heart.
"I'm done here," I breathed, "I can't do this anymore, goodnight."
I turned on my heel but for what felt like an umpteenth time, he stopped me.
"What does that mean?" He asked, in a high tone.
I shut my eyes and slowly turned around, "Interpret it any way you want but I'm going to bed before you start comparing my relationship with Leo to yours with Liza."
"I never said it's the same, I just said it was similar." He elaborated.
"Damn semantics!" I snapped, "I do not want to hear of this again, so this discussion is over!"
"Of course," He scoffed, "Because, deep down, you know I'm right."
He was starting again, and I was losing my cool by the second, "You don't know anything alright! You don't know how Leo feels or thinks so refrain from assuming because even if he was in love with me, you wouldn't see it!"
"The only love you know is the messy, toxic, selfish kind where you only give and give while the other grabs! That's not loving, that's exploitation!"
"I know more than you think because I –" He was abruptly cut off by a knock on the door.
I wanted to know what he was about to say but I was also afraid, I wondered who could be at the door at nearly ten-pm.
"Who the fuck is that?" Mitchell mumbled under his breath when the knock got more urgent.
"Maybe Liza came to drop off the jacket you might've left at her place," I blurted and immediately regretted it, I sounded like a jealous teenager and I hated it – this wasn't me.
Mitchell reached his peak of the night, he was beyond frustrated and mad, he was trying to make this better but no matter what he said or did couldn't fix this, the fact was he lied and made an excuse about it – something he found unacceptable but suddenly it was fine when it was him lying.
"Mila!" He groaned and I thought he was going to tear his hair out, but he refrained and instead clenched his hands into fists and relaxed them, "Just go to bed, I can't talk to you in this mood."
"Mitchell," Another female voice called from outside the door and that did it to send me over the edge. It was a voice I did not recognize so it was no one I knew but the look on his face told me, he did.
I scoffed in disbelief, "It is her," I whispered, "You gave her our address too?"
"I will gladly go to bed," I added before he could reply, "I think you might need privacy."
"Mila!" He called, "Don't do this! I only gave her the address because..." He trailed off when Liza called his name again.
I stopped in my tracks and thought I'd test the water, if he opened the door instead of explaining himself to me, it would show that Liza is still far more important to him than me. It would prove that my dad was right, in the end, no one chose a Brinson.
"If you open that door, you might as well pack your things and find your own place over the holidays," I told him seriously, "Because I will not make the same mistake my dad made – I will not be a Band-Aid to anyone."
"Mitch, are you there?" Liza called, sounding panicky.
Mitchell looked at me helplessly while Liza knocked on the door in desperation, I stood my ground and waited for him to say something, anything but instead, I heard the crack of my heart when he turned around and headed towards the door.
I shut my eyes and did my best not to break down, my father's warning about the Clarke boy flashed in my mind over and over, he knew this would happen. My dad said Mitchell would only hurt me, but I was too stubborn and blind to listen, and here I was, broken-hearted by the first person I had ever loved.
I was frozen in my spot, unable to move as I witnessed Mitchell open the door and Liza throw herself in his arms, crying. I wanted to run but I just stood there, merely witnessing the girl whom I considered lucky to have a loyal love like Mitchell, I was pleading with my eyes for him not to answer, he could've easily seen the pain in my eyes but instead, he heard the pain in her voice and chose her.
'For the first time in my life, I wish I were someone else – even for a minute – because I would cherish him. He loved with all his heart and more. Liza was a fool to ever let him go, I wouldn't if I had what she had.'
'I wish I were her because she's only ever known love while I've only ever known loss.'
"Liz, this isn't a good time, I'm in the mi –" he cut himself off when she pulled away, and with tears in her eyes, she looked up at him.
"Bethy," He said urgently, grasping her shoulders, "What happened?"
Wondering what new sob story she had, I stepped a little closer to see what the issue was and that was when I noticed the bruising she had around her left eye.
"My dad," She cried and unable to finish her sentence, she threw her arms around Mitchell once more and this time Mitchell wrapped a single arm around her.
I wanted to be empathetic, I wanted to pity her, but I couldn't find it in myself, I felt like an awful person, but I couldn't force a feeling.
Mitchell calmed her down gently before she explained what happened. It was like I was invisible when she told Mitchell she went to visit her dad after they had coffee at the rehab center, everything went fine but because of the withdrawals he was having, he became delusional and didn't recognize her, he got violent when she tried to help calm him down and punched her in the eye.
I felt a smidge bad after hearing her story, no one should have to go through that and if anyone understood what it was like to have a parent who acted out because of a condition, it was me.
"How the hell did they allow you in to visit him during inpatient treatment?" He asked, "Especially knowing he's in the withdrawals stage?"
Liza looked down guiltily before lifting her gaze to meet Mitchell's, "I needed to see him Mitch so I... I pulled some strings and got them to break the rules."
Mitchell sighed in annoyance, "Liza..." He shook his head and by his tone, I could tell he was trying not to lose it, "Those rules are there for reasons! He could've done more than just this!"
"I'm sorry," She cried, "I didn't know what else to do, it's been so long since I saw him and..." She broke into a sob.
"It's not about apologizing it's about being smart!" Mitchell told her, "But what's done is done, as long as you don't repeat the stupid mistake."
"Mila," Mitchell searched for me until his gaze met mine, "Could you... check her eye, please?"
"I," I hesitated before I remembered that as a person who is heading into the medical field, I had to put aside all personal grudges and do my job, "I can try."
"Fetch my medical kit from my room," I told him.
Mitchell nodded and after walking Liza over to the couch, he hurried off to my bedroom. I grabbed an ice pack from the freezer and kept it aside before taking a seat next to her.
"I'm sorry for arriving unannounced and disturbing you and Mitch," She said, "I just... I had nowhere else to go. My aunt doesn't need any more tension than she has, my cousin is –"
"It's alright," I cut her off, not wanting to make much conversation. I stilled before adding, "There is no me and Mitch."
"Oh," She muttered, "Regardless, I haven't seen him glow with happiness like this since... ever," She said with a faint grin, "You must be doing something right to get him to smile that much."
Her voice was sincere, but I did not want to chat with her, I just wanted to check her eye and leave.
"Let me see," Ignoring her words, I moved closer to her to examine the scarlette wound which was starting to turn blue.
Her eye didn't look too bad, it was rapidly bruising and was awfully swollen, but by the looks of it, nothing was too damaged. It was heavily bloodshot on the inside and it appeared a vessel popped but I couldn't know for sure by mere naked eye observation.
"Is it bad?" She asked.
"I've seen worse when I worked in trauma," I answered, "You'll live."
"How's your vision?" I asked, "When you drove here, could you see properly?"
She nodded, "I was crying so it was blurry but I got here in one piece, so I could see okay. It throbs with pain though."
I reached for the eye and examined it the best I could, everything appeared to be in order, "It seems fine, but monitor it closely and see if you get any other peculiar symptoms or terrible loss of sight."
I was sure Mitchell would check up on her in the morning if she didn't monitor it.
"You really are a medical student, eh?" She lightly said, trying to make conversation.
"Yes," I answered, "Why would I lie?"
Liza thought I was taunting her, but I truly wasn't, the look of guilt in her eyes made me realize that she thought I was being bitchy. I shook my head, "I mean –"
"I've got it," Mitchell arrived, handing me the little kit before taking a seat on the opposite side of Liza.
"Is she going to be alright?" He asked with worry coated his voice and features.
I nodded and did my best not to look at Mitchell's arm which was stretched on the backrest of where Liza was seated while I searched for an antiseptic and anti-inflammatory cream.
While digging around my medical case, I found some painkillers, I handed them to Liza, "You might get a headache, it's perfectly normal but if it persists for long periods – more than two days – I suggest you get a scan just to rule out any skull fractures or hematoma."
I finally found the cream, since it was possible to touch the inside of her eye while applying the ointment, it was protocol to wash my hands and then sanitize.
"Um," I started, "I'm going to wash up before I apply this."
"Thank you," Liza placed a hand on my leg before I could get up.
I didn't know her, but I still didn't like her, and I hated to admit it, but I was awfully jealous of her too, so much that I couldn't even fake a smile, so I simply nodded and left.
When I got back, I stopped a few feet away and watched as Mitchell carefully applied the ointment I left behind, he was whispering something to her while she flinched as he very gently took care of her injury.
When he was done, he blew over the eye and handed her the icebag, I couldn't hear properly because he spoke so softly, but I guessed he told her to place the bag over her eye because she did that.
I felt the lump I was swallowing down all day stronger than ever in my throat as I stood and watched the person I loved, shower the girl he loved with affection. He placed an arm around her shoulder and scooted closer while his other hand tucked her hair behind her ears to prevent it from getting wet from the icepack.
That was all normal, but the way he looked at her was what crushed my heart. Mitchell had never looked at me like that, not when we had moments, not when he was drunk, not when he comforted me, not even when he kissed me. It was clear that Liza would always mean the most to him, his sole attention was on her alone and my existence was gone.
My heart ached, I never knew pain like this, it wasn't as grave as when my mom died but it was a close second. It was like watching something you cared for the most slip away from you and there was nothing you could do about it. I couldn't force him to feel for me that way, I couldn't cry or beg because feelings couldn't be helped, his mouth said he wasn't in love with her, but his eyes spoke volumes.
I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, I took slow steps backward with my father's warnings playing at the back of my mind.
'it's only a matter of time before he hurts you...'
'...It's inevitable, I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure you were a reason for her tears at least once – if not yet but you will be...'
'I hope this isn't the case with you, but in the end, no one chooses a Brinson – it's always been that way...'
"You were right dad," I whispered to myself and after glancing one last time at Mitchell and Liza on the couch, I shut my bedroom door and locked it behind me.
Every word Mitchell said to me was playing at the back of my mind, lots were true and others I wished weren't. He was right about one thing and that was, my fear of relationships pushed people away and it possibly did that to Leo.
I needed to talk to Leo now more than ever, I didn't care that it was after ten at night, I pulled out my phone for the first time since I got back and ignored all the missed calls and texts from Mitchell and Faith and dialed up Leo immediately.
As expected, the phone rang and rang until it went to voicemail, "Joder!" I cursed under my breath and tossed my phone on the opposite end of the bed before crying my heart out.
I was officially all alone; Leo was the last person I could call mine and it was my fault that he cut me off. I curled myself into a ball as the tears profusely rolled down my cheeks, my heart hurt so much, and I broke into silent sobs. This was the reason I never gave names to relationships; this was why I never believed in love; this was why I never allowed myself to fall for anyone because it did nothing but cause pain.
'This is probably karma for breaking poor Jadyn's heart, he must've felt the same way I currently do. I probably deserve this.'
I wiped my tears and other than my silent sobs, I could hear Mitchell's and Liza's faint voices, it sounded a lot closer than the living room, so I wondered if they were moving to his bedroom. The mere thought of that made my stomach churn and it felt like someone was twisting my heart and bleeding it out dry.
"Mila," Mitchell knocked on my door, I remained quiet and pretended to be asleep.
I heard him sigh, "I don't know if you can hear me but I'm going to drop Liza home, I won't be long."
I remained still and held my breath, scared that he would hear me and come into the room – I did not want to talk to him.
"Mila," He knocked again and remained quiet for a long while until he softly said, "I... I'll talk to you in the morning, sweet dreams, Milo."
I cuddled my pillow as I heard his and her footsteps descend until the front door shut and I let out a huge breath, feeling as if my world was coming undone. I never knew love but now that I did, it did nothing but crush me furthermore. My dad told me to never allow myself to heal by relying on someone else because it would only break me further and let me down but in true Mila style, I didn't listen, and now...
My dad. Mitchell was right, I needed to fix things with him before I lived to regret it, and right now, I needed him... I needed my family. Ever since my mom died, I never allowed myself to properly heal, I hid all my emotions or busied myself, right now I needed time to clear my mind and heal my heart from all the pain it endured and my family was the only people I needed.
My grandparents had shared my woes all my life and now that they finally found peace and happiness, I didn't want to bring yet another problem of mine into their lives so the closest comfort I could seek was from my only remaining family.
I sniffed and wiped away my tears before reaching for the phone, I sat up and brought my knees to my chest as I dialed up my dad. It rang twice until he answered.
"Mila," He sounded confused but also... relieved?
"Hey, Dad," I greeted, trying to keep my voice steady, "I... I hope I'm not disturbing you."
"N-no," My dad replied immediately, "Never. How are you?"
I pursed my lips as fresh tears escaped my eyes, "Dad..."
"Mila?" He sounded alarmed, "Is everything alright?"
I shook my head, "No..."
"What's wrong?" His voice was rising, "Did something happen?"
I shook my head and wiped my tears, "Dad, I miss mom... I miss home... I feel as if I dived into life way too soon and now... it's caught up with me."
He let out a breath, "I'm sorry, Mila," He said sadly, "I wish... I wish I could give you all the things you miss but it's not in my power. However, you know where home is, I'm waiting for you."
That filled my heart with warmth, I needed to hear this and despite our differences, dad was my only home.
"Can I..." I wiped away my tears, "Can I come home, tonight?"
"Tonight?" He repeated, "Mila, it's late, I can book you a ticket for first thing tomorrow morning."
I shook my head even though he couldn't see me, "No, I need my family, please."
He paused for a moment before saying, "Of course, I'll get on it right away and send you the flight details."
"I can drive," I said, "I don't want to wait."
"No," He firmly said, "The roads are slippery and it's way too late, leave it to me. I'll arrange everything and text you the details. Just call a cab or get," He paused before reluctantly saying, "Get your roommate to drop you at the airport, I'll handle everything else."
If only he knew I would never ask Mitchell, not now, in fact, I was planning to leave before he got back from Liza's – we needed the space to think.
"Thank you, Dad," I said softly, "I'll see you very soon."
"I look forward to that," I could hear the smile in his voice and that made me half-grin, "Be safe."
"I will," I replied and hung up.
As soon as the call was over, I turned on my bedroom lights and threw a few essentials in a bag. I mindlessly threw on the first hoodie I could get my hands on before grabbing a piece of paper and wrote Mitchell a note. I kept it brief but informative, I also kept my tone neutral because even though I was hurt, I couldn't blame him for feeling the way he did.
I folded the page in half and left it on my pillow and after one final glance at my bedroom, I turned off the lights and shut the door behind me.
I grabbed the Mercedes keys from the key-bowl and glanced at the apartment, my eyes fell on the frame I gifted Mitchell. I gazed at it for a long while, remembering that was the beginning of our journey together, I was so much happier there – things were better and less complicated. But all in a moment everything changed and the same person who put so many smiles on my face was the reason for my tears.
I looked away, wiped away my fresh tears, and left, I needed to do this, for myself.
When I reached the basement parking lot, I tried unlocking my car, but nothing happened instead a car parked a few spots from mine unlocked. I frowned when Mitchell's G Wagon lights flashed, I looked at the key and cursed under my breath. I figured Mitchell took Liza home in her car and I grabbed the wrong key, I couldn't bear going back up and saying bye to my place once more, so I figured I'd use his car and let him know – it wasn't a far drive anyway.
I shoved my bag into the backseat before getting into the driver's side, I fastened the seatbelt and while doing so the interface came on, taking me back to our road trip.
'Hey, Mercedes...' My mind played back the countless times I teased Mitchell using that feature, it stirred a bittersweet feeling in the pit of my stomach and the fact that his car smelled so much like him added to that feeling.
I shook away my thoughts and focused on getting to the airport, I put the key into the ignition and the engine came to life. I knew if Mitchell saw me driving his beloved car, he would lose his mind – that thought made me glad I took his car, again.
Thankfully, the drive to the airport wouldn't have taken long, it was only about nine miles away from where I lived but even though it was so late, the roads were awfully busy.
Music was playing in the car while I drove along a much quieter Soldiers Field road for a few miles, the GPS instructed me to take the next ramp which would mean I was almost at my destination.
'Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that's all it takes...'
My eyes welled up as the song on the radio station played, the words tugged at my heart, those words were what I was silently pleading at Mitchell to say with my eyes but he never did.
"Hey," I sniffed, "Hey Mercedes," I said as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"How may I help you?"
I sniffed and wiped away the tear with the back of my hand, "Change the station."
'I want her long blond hair
I want her magic touch
Yeah, 'cause maybe then
You'd want me just as much...'
"Puta mierda!" I cursed under my breath, it seemed the universe made a point to torture me today, or maybe for the first time, I was listening to the lyrics of a song instead of just hearing the music.
I checked my rear-view mirrors twice and once I was satisfied it was clear, I indicated to shift onto the right lane, getting me ready to take the ramp.
Satisfied that the truck behind was a good few feet away, I averted my eyes for a second to turn the damn radio off, the song was touching way too many nerves.
I put on my blinkers and checked my left and steered to shift lanes but while doing so, the vehicle that was a good distance away was a lot closer – way too close, and within seconds I felt a heavy impact from the driver's side of the car and the next thing I knew the car was launched into the air and began to do a barrel roll, flipping through the air.
My mind was going crazy when I realized I was screwed, really screwed. I had lost all control of the car and myself; all I could do was await the impending doom while my body was thrown around as if in a tumble dryer.
After what felt like hours of twirling, with a loud bang I crashed onto the road surface harshly, my head felt like it was being hit against a concrete wall, it was throbbing at the impact. The car was spinning about, round, and round on the road, my head and neck were being thrown in all directions while my seized seatbelt kept my body in place – it felt like I was being hit by a truck over and over again.
There was a loud shattering sound and I shut my eyes when I felt glass hit my body as all the car's windows apart from the windshield shattered, it felt like needles were poking into my skin while the car spun around for what felt like miles. With each tumble, it sounded as if I was on a battlefield, the crashing and loud bangs made me want to reach for my ears and block it out, but my hands were stuck for some reason.
The car finally stopped spinning and landed on the roof, it slid quickly for a good few miles before it came to a stop. Everything became silent, I could only hear my heart beating in my ears and the erratic sound of my breathing – as I hung upside down with the stuck seatbelt keeping me in place, I knew I was alive because of my heartbeat.
My head throbbed like hell, my entire body felt like I was under a ton of bricks, everything hurt and ached, I could feel a thick, warm liquid pour down the back of my head and drip down onto the roof of the car. I knew I was in a very dangerous situation and needed to get out, but I couldn't move, if I did it felt like I was being ripped apart.
Panting I looked around and my one hand felt stuck between two metal objects, I let out a gut-wrenching scream when I tried to move it, but it didn't work, all I could feel was excruciating pain. It felt like someone was rubbing my bleeding muscles between a tight space over and over.
Tears ran down my face as I looked around and with my free hand, I held onto the roof of the car, trying to get out but I was completely stuck. I could see flashing lights from vehicles and hear vague sounds of them driving past me, but no one stopped.
I groaned in pain and felt more blood ooze out of my head and I was pretty sure elsewhere too, I prayed for someone to help me because I was utterly helpless.
"Help!" I screamed but I knew it was futile.
I was gasping for air, my back felt like someone was throwing hot rocks over it, my legs were seized and felt extremely heavy, my head was getting unbearably painful.
My breathing was slowing down, and my vision was becoming extremely blurry.
"Help me," I weakly said, "Hel..."
No matter how much I tried, I couldn't keep my eyes open, everything was closing around me, and the pain was easing, it was getting a lot better.
Everything was dull and numb, and I liked the feeling, I wondered if I allowed my eyes to close if the pain would completely go away.
"Millie!" I heard a voice laugh, "Come to me, cariño,"
"M-mom?" I breathed, barely able to keep my eyes open.
I could see my mom, she was a lot younger and she had her arms wide open with a bright smile on her face, she was calling me into her arms, and I was running towards her, but my feet were a lot smaller and my legs shorter.
"Come on, Millie!" She cheered and it felt like I was moving even though my feet were still.
Like a kaleidoscope, my life played back in images, I saw things I couldn't possibly remember. I was a child, sitting on my mom's lap, she was showering me with kisses while I giggled, then I was with my grandparents and they were tucking me into bed, kissing me goodnight. I moved forward and I was in a large office, spinning around on a leather office chair and laughing, my dad was smiling standing across me wearing a business suit. He held my hand, and we were walking through a park and eating ice cream with Mandy, she was so kind to me and my dad looked... happy. He held me in his arms and was spinning me around while I giggled and Mandy smiled, the feelings filled my heart with joy.
I flash-forward and was running around the garden with Leo where I quickly grew up and was dancing with him at prom, thereafter we were kissing, and my stomach was filled with butterflies. I saw Faith and she quickly became my friend and took care of me like a mother, she was the nicest and sweetest person at school, we grew close very quickly. Two of us became a trio when I met a rather eccentric boy named Wang in class and he made me laugh so much that my stomach hurt.
Finally, I was at a party, Faith was sulking but then she was laughing with a blonde boy and she looked happy. I then met a tall, handsome boy with the prettiest eyes I had ever seen, he was drinking whiskey and I found myself attracted to him.
'I'm Mitchell, Mitchell Clarke,'
Mitchell. That name easily affiliated with those eyes and a pair of dimples, I hated him, we fought like cats and dogs but then we were laughing and singing karaoke together, we sang in his car and he took me to his home. He brought happiness to my life, we were laying on our backs and looking at the stars, then we were at Niagara Falls, Grand Canyon, and then the beach where he was kissing me.
Everything felt like it was going to be okay, he fixed all my broken pieces and I felt... like I finally belonged somewhere. He held me so tightly that I felt as if I had a place to call home, he was my safety net and now I could rest.
'Sweetdreams, Milo,'
"It's okay, Millie," I heard my mom's voice as all the images were fading out, "Mommy's got you, go to sleep, baby."
That was the last thing I heard before everything went black and all the pain – physical and emotional was gone, forever.
A/N I was so scared to post this, but unfortunately this is the way the plot was planned from the very beginning. But rest assured, it is not the end and there will be another post next week.
Please don't hate me and even if you do, I still love you.
Let me know your thoughts – good or bad.
Till then,
Be safe,
Tina