Hello, fellow Fanders!
I'm supposed to be cutting veggies for mum but I'm here to stall that instead! Enjoy the chapter!
WARNINGS : Self blame, mention of panic attacks, mention of food/eating, absent family member, seperation from family member, mention of panic attacks, feelings of stress/anxiety, I think that's it?
....................
Roman couldn't help but shoot little glances toward the nerd as they walked away from his dorm. He'd looked absolutely terrified; which was strange for Logan. Not to mention that he'd seen panic attacks before; heck, he'd even helped Virgil through one before! So why wasn't he able to do it now?
He shook himself out of his thoughts as they approached the elevator. Logan pressed the button with a slightly unsteady hand at a soft ding sounded, announcing the arrival of the contraption. The two of them walked in without conversation, and Roman pressed the button for the roof. Logan shot him a confused look.
"I thought we were heading to your dorm?" he questioned quietly.
"Yeah, but I feel like you need some fresh air, buddy."
"What about Patton's things?"
"We can get them later." he hummed.
Growing up with his brother meant that Roman had witnessed plenty of different kinds of episodes, including anxiety attacks. He knew the duration varied, but judging by how bad Virgil had looked when they arrived it was safe to assume that it would take a while for Patton to calm him.
The elevator doors slid open silently and a burst of cold air hit them.
Hm... Perhaps getting jackets or something would have been a better idea. He was already wearing one seeing as they'd had to come from a building over and it was cold, but Logan didn't have one on.
Logan shivered.
Yup. Definitely should've got him a jacket.
Logan stepped straight out into the cold despite Roman's concerns, his body twitching before getting used to the temperature. He exhaled deeply, his breath misting in front of him.
"Oh, I love dragon's breath!" Roman said excitedly, stepping out trying to force all the air out of his lungs just to see it mist in the air. Logan looked at him amused.
"Dragon's breath?"
"My brother and I used to call it that all the time," he replied eagerly. "He used to exhale onto me like he was a dragon, and I always had to pretend I was dying."
"You have a brother?" Roman's stomach lurched.
"I guess, I don't see him much." Logan's eyes widened, and sensing Roman's discomfort he said-
"I'm sorry."
"Don't sweat it." he said, smiling. "I see him sometimes, and honestly that's enough."
It was a lie, but Logan didn't need to know that.
"Sit down with me." he said instead, gesturing to the frost covered benches that were set near the railing.
Like all the roofs in the school, there was a see-through barrier taller than the two of them set on the edge of the roof. If you looked close enough you could see small pieces of metal embedded into the glass, most probably to prevent students from breaking it. The bench was located five or so feet away from the barrier, allowing students to gaze at the view.
He led the way, tugging Logan by the arm. He pulled his sleeve over his hand and dusted the beginnings of snow from the bench before taking his jacket off and handing it to Logan.
"Oh, don't worry about-"
"Logan, I'm wearing a sweater." The boy's eyes flitted to Roman's chest to confirm that he was indeed wearing a sweater. It was definitely colder without his puffy jacket, but he had a long sleeved thermal under sweater as well, so it wasn't that much of a problem. He couldn't imagine how cold Logan was, in just a long-sleeved T-shirt.
"How come you didn't wear something warmer to the clinic?" asked Roman, sitting down while Logan put on the jacket.
"I went at around five, it was too warm for anything more than a coat." Roman's eyebrows furrowed.
"You were there for two hours?" he asked incredulously.
"Not really, but it was close."
Roman let out a small bark of laughter.
"Jeez, nerd, are you trying to out-friend me?" Logan frowned.
"I don't even know her."
"And yet you were there for two hours." Logan seemed to contemplate this, before nodding slowly.
"Yes, I suppose I was."
Roman leaned back, watching the way the stars twinkled feebly behind the light pollution. "What had you so worked up anyway?"
In the corner of his eye he could see Logan's shoulders sag, and his torso fell forward so his elbows rested on his knees.
"I don't even know." he admitted quietly. "The visit was great and all, but toward the end I just couldn't stop thinking. It made everything too much." Roman turned toward him.
"Thinking about what?"
"Stuff." Roman snorted.
"Very helpful, Logan."
"I just-" Logan sighed. "Either way I ended up causing Virgil to have a panic attack." The guilt was heavy in his voice and body language. They were quiet for a second before Roman spoke again.
"You know how to deal with panic attacks." Logan didn't move. "What happened?" The boy's shoulders moved in a half-hearted shrug, but that was it. Roman sighed, looking up to the sky once more. He still had more questions, but it was clear that Logan wasn't in the mood to be pushed. He gave Logan a once-over.
"Red it a good colour on you." Logan looked up at him.
"Seriously?"
"What?!" he said affronted. "You want to change the topic, don't you?"
"Well yes, but complimenting my clothing?"
"My clothing, you mean." Logan snorted. Roman looked away, acting stung. "Well fine, then. What do you want to talk about?"
"Tell me about your brother." Roman stilled, feeling as though the cold had been injected into his veins. He looked at Logan, who was staring at his lap again. "Only if it's okay, of course."
Roman exhaled through his nose, looking up at the stars.
-
It was easy to picture them together. The prince and his duke, the creator and his muse, the writer and his performer.
The two would spend hours on end together under the sweltering sun in worlds of make-believe.
Their sister would join in sometimes, cooing and babbling at her brothers while they saved her from cardboard castles and table-stack towers. Their mother would watch anxiously from the veranda as they spun the child around in battles, her warnings dissipating like a fine mist beside their ears.
-
"His name was Remus."
"Romulus and Remus. The founders of rome." said Logan quietly.
"Yup." Roman said, smiling slightly. "My mother was a history major, she loved that kind of stuff. My dad says she was over the moon when she found out she had twins."
-
"Unhand the princess, you rogue!" screamed Roman, waving a gleaming sword at his brother, who cackled and held Marie closer to his chest. Even then he was incredibly gentle with her.
"Never! She's gonna stay with me forever!" he said, setting her down on the chair and facing Roman with his lightsaber held at hand. Marie gurgled up and Remus, before taking her finger in her mouth to slobber on.
"Noooo!" Roman charged at his brother, knocking him to the ground in a pile of limbs and curls.
-
"Swords?"
"Mine was a feather duster. We took turns with the lightsaber."
"I see."
-
Roman swung a small punch at Remus's shoulder and the other retaliated with a poke to the ribs. Roman squealed and Remus laughed, continuing his assault. Their props lay forgotten by their side, and somewhere along the line it morphed into a tickle battle.
Remus managed to flip them over and began digging his fingers into Roman's sides. Roman laughed, trying to push his brother away.
Crack!
Remus watched in horror as Roman's face fell, his lips starting to tremble and tears welling up in his eyes. He immediately climbed off his brother, pulling his head away from the deckchair that it had hit.
"Oh crap, Ro I'm sorry-" Roman's wails overtook the boy's apology, and Remus's head shot toward the veranda, where the door was wide open, and their mother nowhere in sight. He turned back to Roman and pulled his head toward his chest.
"Roman please stop crying." The other boy gave a small sniffle and nodded, trying to quieten down. The first time their mother had left them alone and they'd messed up. Brilliant.
Remus tugged Roman into a sitting position, and he took a deep breath. He hated crying while they were playing, it always ruined it. Remus would always get guilty afterward and he'd keep apologising and not acting like the villain anymore.
"I'm sorry, Roman."
" 's okay."
Their sister let out a curious noise and they turned toward the chair. Her big brown orbs stared back at them, questioning, and she slowly tried to move herself toward the edge of the chair.
"Ooooh no you don't." Remus said, shuffling over and picking her up. "Upsy-daisy."
Marie giggled and Roman held out his hands to hold her.
"Aren't you disgustingly cute." Remus said with his nose scrunched up. "Have you pooped yet?" He lifted her up high while passing her to Roman, sniffing exaggeratedly at her diaper.
"Bleh, that's gross you idiot."
Roman held Marie on his lap, and started rocking from side to side. It was obvious he didn't know what he was doing, her arms were pressed strangely to her body and he wasn't supporting her head much, but at least she wasn't crying this time, right?
"Roman? Remus?" Two heads turned toward the veranda, where their mother's head was peeking out from the doorway. "What are you two doing?"
"Sitting with Marie, duh."
"I think she pooped!" Remus added excitedly. Their mother chuckled before making her way over to them.
"Okay, well let's sort that out, shall we?" she cooed at Marie, picking her up. The girl giggled at the sight of her mother, and stared down at the twins from her arms. "You two finish up quickly, dinner's soon."
"Okay." The two chorused, standing up.
"But we need Marie." said Remus, looking at the baby pointedly.
"Well you won't get Marie. She's tired, poor thing."
"No she isn't, she was chewing at her finger earlier." whined Roman.
"I'll be the judge of that, young man." she said, flicking his forehead playfully. The boy winced, and Remus glared at their mother. "Attitude in check please, Remus."
"How come he doesn't get hit?!"
"Come quick, it's meatballs!"
The two watched their mother's retreating back thoughtfully. Remus turned to his twin.
"Well now what are we supposed to do?"
"I dunno." Roman shrugged. His eyes lit up. "Do you wanna steal some meatballs?" Remus's face split into a grin.
"Heck yeah!"
-
"You stole meatballs,"
"Aha."
"When you were about to have dinner."
"Yup." Logan raised an eyebrow.
"We were hungry, okay?" said Roman defensively. "And besides, mum was feeding Marie so it was perfect timing!"
"You got caught didn't you."
"I mean, kinda. My dad caught us, and we paid him a meatball to make sure he kept mum." Logan chuckled slightly leaning back.
"I kind of want to ask why you can't see your brother, but I assume that's not something you want to adress."
"No it is not." Roman said mock-cheerfully.
"Now, enough interrogating me, let's interrogate you."
"I didn't mean to-"
"Are you okay?"
Logan was silent for a couple of seconds before replying.
"I think so."
"You seemed pretty panicked when you were with Virgil."
"I caused him to have a panic attack, Roman. He told me that he didn't like loud noises on the first day, and I still yelled." Roman looked at Logan. The boy was leaning against the back of the bench, the only thing illuminating his face being the lights from the buildings around them. An all too familiar expression of glassy eyed guilt was staring at the spread of the school in front of them, unfocused and hazy.
Roman shifted closer to the boy, slightly awkward. He wasn't all that great at expressing emotions healthily, it was one of the many reasons why he turned to drama. Being able to lose and find himself in a different character allowed Roman an emotional outlet that he didn't have when he was younger, and he doubted that Logan had anything similar.
He wrapped his arm around Logan's shoulders. He wasn't that great at physical contact, but it seemed to help Patton; maybe it would help Logan as well.
The other boy tensed before leaning into the contact slightly. His ineptitude with this kind of situation was obvious, even if he did cuddle with Virgil regularly. (His boyfriend was a brilliant secret agent.)
They were quiet for a minute, just two boys on the roof staring at the stars.
"I know you yelled. And I know you set Virgil off. But you didn't do it knowingly. You weren't in the right state of mind, Lo, and Virgil knows that. So just... try talk to him afterward. Okay? It'll take a while, but he definitely still likes you."
Logan merely hummed.
And then there was silence.