"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly." ― Franz Kafka
The Fighter
I'd awoken from my nap with Tilly and had some food with the family, Jason and Jimmy. We were waiting with baited breath on Emily contacting us, and I knew that Spencer and my dad were going back to work around lunchtime.
It was tough, and I was terrified. But we needed answers, and they were our inside men. Now we had to establish who their inside men were.
"Melanie," Beth said in that motherly tone of hers, approaching with a displeased expression. "You can't just stand by the window all day, moping. C'mon, they'll be home in a few hours."
I smiled and nodded, allowing her to guide me towards the sofa, away from the window. Tilly was sat on the floor with her dolls, and Jack was in his room calling a friend.
"I know," I sighed. "I'm sorry..." I was chewing on my bottom lip nervously, and I could taste blood. "I'm just a little anxious."
"What's anxious?" Tilly echoed immediately, her expression curious and innocent.
"It's like butterflies in your tummy." I smiled, sliding off the sofa to join her on the floor.
"Why do you have butterflies in your tummy?" She asked, crinkling her nose in confusion.
"I guess I'm just being silly." I shrugged, and picked up one of her dolls.
"Her name's Lois." Tilly grinned and I mirrored it, marvelling in her beauty, disbelieving that I actually participated in the creation of such a wonderful miracle.
*
Dinner was strange. We were all sitting around the dining table, minus my dad and Spencer, no one saying anything, just waiting on the phone ringing or the door opening.
Jack had been on the phone most of the afternoon whilst Jason and Jimmy 'ran a few errands', whatever that meant.
Beth and I had spent the full day playing with Tilly, until early evening when Beth had gone to make dinner, and I had continued with Tilly's dolls and cars, us dressing up in superhero costumes which we were still dressed in as we ate dinner.
"Jason," Tilly said in her sweet voice, all innocence and curiosity. "Who's your favourite superhero?"
Jason smirked and thought for a moment or two.
"Batman." He said after a pause. Jimmy sniggered but Jason shot him a deadly glare, making us all smirk into our dinners.
"He's not a superhero, he's a bad guy!" Tilly laughed.
"No, he's a good guy, he just does some things in a bad way." Jason shrugged and Tilly frowned in confusion for a moment or two.
"Uncle Jack!" She thrilled. "What's yours?"
"Grandpops," Jack smiled without missing a beat. "He's my favourite superhero."
"My grandpops?" Tilly gasped, her entire face in complete awe. "Grandpops is a superhero?"
I grinned and brushed the hair from her face, watching her in her surprise.
"Of course he is, baby-love." I smiled.
"Your mommy and daddy are superheroes, too." Jack nodded. "Remember what I taught you?" He grinned and Tilly shook her head, her nose wrinkling again.
"Super-superheroes."
Tilly opened her mouth to reply but was cut short as the sound of the front door opening had us all in motion.
I jumped to my feet and was first out of the door, sliding into the hallway to see Spencer and my dad entering the house.
"Spence!" I gushed, running forwards and throwing myself at him.
"Daddy!" Tilly cried next, running after me.
We laughed and Spencer caught her in his arms, kissing her forehead and then kissing my mouth, wrapping us both in his arms as he greeted us.
My dad closed the door behind him and hung his coat on the hook, loosening his tie as I moved from Spencer and hugged my dad next.
"How was your day?" I asked them both, looking between them suspiciously with my hands on my hips as Spencer and Tilly whispered to each other.
"Interesting." My dad nodded. "We have a lot to catch you up on." He added, patting my arm.
"I've made some dinner, come eat whilst it's still warm." Beth said from the kitchen doorway.
We all re-entered the dining room, and Spencer sat next to me with Tilly on his knee, her arms around his neck refusing to let go.
I could see that a lot of the manners we'd taught her had slipped, not that I blamed my family for being more lenient on her, but I knew it was going to be a nightmare to discipline her moving forward.
In the grand scheme of things, that was little fishes.
For now, we had bigger fish to fry, and whilst we were able to withhold small-talk at the dinner table and whilst bathing Tilly, I knew we had to have some serious conversations once she'd gone to bed.
"Have you heard from Emily?" Spencer asked as Jack read Tilly a book on the sofa after bathtime. She was pushing her luck and was refusing to go to bed.
"Nothing as of yet." I said sadly, shaking my head.
"Hopefully we'll hear something soon, it's been ages." Spencer sighed, rubbing my thigh as we watched Tilly.
I wasn't aware I'd fallen asleep, but I guess I must've dozed off on Spencer's shoulder as Jack read to Tilly, because after a while, I became aware of mumbled voices, and peeled my eyes open to a dimly lit living room, my dad and Beth cuddled on one sofa, Jack on the armchair and Spencer and I cuddled together on the other.
"What time is it?" I yawned, straightening and stretching.
"I'm sorry, Melly, did we wake you?" Spencer asked nervously.
"It's okay, where's Tilly?"
Spencer smiled and cupped my cheek lovingly.
"She's upstairs, she fell asleep a couple of hours ago."
I looked at the clock on the wall and realised we'd had dinner four hours ago.
Shaking my head with a smile I turned to my dad.
"So, what happened today?" I asked and Beth laughed.
"You don't rest, do you?"
I shook my head, leaning back against Spencer and allowing him to wrap his arms around me protectively.
"Nothing major happened," My dad said, shaking his head. "We just... have a few suspicions."
"Suspicions?" I echoed, craning my neck back to see Spencer's expression. It was poker straight, not giving anything away.
"You might not like what we have to say..." My dad said, looking at Spencer and then back to me. "It involves your team."
"My team?" I echoed.
"The New York BAU?" Jack clarified and our dad nodded.
"Who?" I demanded, rage beginning to bubble beneath the surface, tinged with worry and fear.
"Wilson." Spencer blurted before either of them could chicken out.
"Lucy Wilson?" I echoed, doubt lacing every decision I'd ever made.
"We're not certain," My dad said defensively. "Her behaviour is just... Abrupt. It's suspicious. She questions everything I say and do, and is rude and blunt with Spencer."
"She questions you?" I asked in complete shock, my dad answering with a nod.
"No," I said, shaking my head, moving out of Spencer's arms to prop my elbows on my knees, sitting at the very edge of my seat, waiting for whatever more bad news they had for us.
"There's no way I'm standing for her questioning you. She knows better than that. She's definitely involved." I nodded, resolute.
"We don't know that for sure, yet." Spencer added sheepishly.
"We do," I nodded. "I do. I should've gone with my gut and got rid of her the second she first messed up."
I looked pointedly at my dad, he'd been the one to encourage me to give her the benefit of the doubt, all of those years ago during our first joint case.
I should've listened to my gut. I should've had the self-belief and confidence to trust in my instincts and do what I knew to be right.
I guess now wasn't the time for "should haves" and "what ifs".
"If she's involved, there'll be evidence and a trail... You'll find it, Mel, you always do." Jack said reassuringly, trying to turn the conversation into a more positive one.
"Thanks Jack," I said simply, giving him a small smile. He never failed me.
"What else?" I prompted after a pause.
My dad looked guiltily at Spencer, and I turned to see him looking just as confused as the rest of us.
"That's all I have," Spencer shrugged. "I kind of knew Wilson was somewhat suspicious, but I didn't figure anything else out today. We didn't have many opportunities."
"I... uh... I have something to share," My dad said in a guilty tone and Spencer cocked a curious eyebrow, clearly, they weren't on the same page.
"I spoke with Derek today whilst you were working on the geographical profile with Garica and Carter," My dad began.
"I asked if there'd been any suspicious behaviour recently, and he asked to avoid telling you, purely because he didn't want to upset you."
"Upset me?" Spencer asked incredulously, a hand against his chest where the top buttons of his shirt were undone and his tie was loosened.
"What would upset me?" He scoffed.
My dad licked his lips nervously and glanced at Beth, who patted his knee in encouragement, also waiting with baited breath.
"Derek has his suspicions of Dylan," My dad blurted, clearly before he could change his mind. "He explained that she's randomly appearing in the unit and in different cases where she isn't required," He explained.
"It might be nothing, like Derek said, but it's bizarre enough for him to mention it to me."
"Dylan Einstein?" I blurted, the reminder of my husband's ex creeping into my mind like the memory of a childhood trauma.
My dad nodded.
"That bitch," I mumbled under my breath, shaking my head in awe.
"What is she appearing in the unit for? Who's giving her clearance?" I demanded, wondering how on Earth she could get in.
"She's working in CSI now," My dad explained as Spencer dipped his head, lost in distant thought.
"She was a part of the forensic team looking into the explosion and your... disappearance."
"She was on the forensics team?" I gushed, half-shouting.
My dad nodded and an eerie silence filled the room.
I ran my hands over my shaved head, shivering at the memory that my hair was still gone.
"I can't believe this..." I whispered, my mind reeling.
"She... might not be involved." Jack said.
"No. She is." Spencer said deadly.
"And how would you know?" I questioned, turning to him with narrowed eyes.
The memory of Dylan brought back so much pain and heartache, I couldn't bear it.
"It makes sense..." He said, staring off into the distance and avoiding my eyes.
"In what world does that make sense?" I pushed, wondering what was going on in that brain of his
"The determination of a relationship, the neediness, the rudeness and disrespect towards yourself..."
"Are you trying to say she's been in on this since your relationship together?"
"She sought me out, not the other way about." He said, lifting his eyes to mine briefly before licking his lips and looking away.
"Spencer I highly doubt this goes back to your relationship." I said, shaking my head.
"So are you trying to say she became jealous after we got back together and moved to the cell, to... what? To punish you?"
"Well, it certainly seems more plausible than her seeking you out to get to me."
"Spencer, not everything is about you being punished!"
"And not everything is about you being punished, either!" He yelled.
The pair of us sat staring at each other for a few moments before rustling sounded from the baby monitor on the coffee table.
"Momma?" Tilly's sleepy voice called.
I got to my feet, hitting Spencer's hand away as he reached for me.
I pushed out into the hallway and almost leapt out of my skin as Jason pushed through the front door, dragging none other than Emily in behind him.
The Protector
"What the fuck is going on?" Melanie's voice came from the hallway, just as the front door closed. We all rushed out to see Emily standing, red-faced and enraged as Jason held her by the upper arm, his lower lip bleeding and his cheeks flushed.
"What's happened?" I gushed, Melanie's eyes wide with rage and concern as she hurried to Emily.
"I caught this one trying to sneak in the back garden, she scaled the fence and tried the back door, I chased her around the front and onto the road. Tried to bite me!" He exclaimed.
"She's a friend!" Melanie insisted, a smile hinting at the corners of her mouth.
"Momma!" Tilly's voice cried out and Melanie glanced upstairs.
"I'll go." I volunteered.
"No," She snapped. "She's calling for me." She let go of Emily's hand to hurry for the stairs, reaching for a baby gate that was no longer there.
"What do you mean she's a friend?" Jason questioned, glaring at Emily.
"I tried to tell you." Emily said through gritted teeth, yanking her arm away from Jason.
"She's undercover," I explained, pushing my hands into my pockets. "Emily, meet Jason Jones, Jason, meet Emily Prentiss."
"I'd say it's a pleasure, but you tried to bite me." He shrugged.
"Because you almost scalped me!" She hissed, rubbing the back of her head.
"What sort of friend tries the back door? Can't you just call like a regular person?"
"Emily isn't a regular person." Beth smirked, covering her mouth and averting her eyes as both Jason and Emily glared at her.
"Beth's right," Aaron smiled. "You're not."
Emily glared at Aaron for a moment longer before we all burst into laugher, the situation too comical to take seriously.
"What's going on?" I asked after a moment or two.
"Well I was coming to explain I have the safe houses sorted, but if one's for you," She glared at Jason humorously. "Then I don't think I'll bother." She folded her arms defensively and he rubbed at his jaw.
"So you're the chick sorting the houses." He said bashfully.
"Chick?" Emily echoed, and we all shifted uncomfortably.
"I'll just uh..." Jason shifted. "I'll just go back to the car." He jerked his thumb towards the front door and I nodded.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Emily burst into laughter.
"Who the hell is that?" She gushed, fanning her face.
"That is the brother of Darren Jones." I said, displeased.
"You mean Melanie's ex, Darren?" She said in shock, her eyes wide. I nodded and she shook her head in awe.
"Wow... Good genes."
I gulped and we all re-entered the living room.
"How are you?" She asked as we all sat down in the living room.
"Confused, shocked, tired, relieved... The list is endless."
She smiled sympathetically and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"How're you?" Beth asked. "We've been so worried about where you've been and what you've been up to. Spencer only recently told us you're undercover!"
Emily shot me a displeased glare, but she couldn't say anything about it.
"We're all under lock and key," Jack laughed, pretending to zip his lips closed. "We're basically a spy family now." He shrugged and we all chuckled.
"I'm..." Emily sighed. "Stressed. But we're getting there, right?"
She glanced around at us all and Melanie re-entered the room.
"Is she okay?" I asked worriedly and she nodded her head, resting on the arm of the sofa next to me.
"Did you manage to secure houses?" She asked Emily, who nodded.
"Three. They've recently been renovated so they're still off the CIA's radar. They're waiting to be signed off so they're safe for the next three weeks until the conveyors do the appropriate checks."
"That takes three weeks?" Aaron asked in confusion.
"They were due to come out tomorrow," Emily shrugged. "Someone rescheduled their visit for another three weeks." She looked sweetly innocent and I smiled. Only Emily.
"You're a star, you know that, right?" Melanie grinned.
"Anything for family." Emily shrugged. "So who's going?" She asked, getting to her feet and producing three keys from her pocket.
"We're in one house with Jason and Jimmy, and the other two are for the rest of his men." Melanie explained, taking the keys from Emily.
"You're not going?" Emily asked in surprise, looking at Aaron and Beth.
"We don't want to cause any suspicion," Aaron explained. "Two of Jason's men will be staying here." He explained.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Emily asked, looking at Melanie worriedly.
"I have my plans," Melanie shrugged. "I'm not worried."
Emily sighed and shook her head.
"We really can't trust anybody, can we?" She gulped. "Not even each other."
The Fighter
It was difficult leaving my family, but I knew it had to be done. We had to keep up the charade, and we had to protect ourselves too.
We had to lift Tilly from her bed in order to travel to the safe house, but thankfully she slept in my arms the whole journey, which was a twenty-minute drive from my dad's.
I didn't like being so far away from him, hated the thought of something going wrong and me not being able to be there in a heartbeat.
But, we couldn't risk being all together in case one of us was targeted again.
First, the BAU had been bombed, then I was abducted and tortured, and then our home was bombed... we didn't want there to be any more reason to be paranoid.
"We have to lay low until we can establish who to trust," I explained to Jason, Jimmy and Spencer in the kitchen of the basic apartment across town.
There were three small bedrooms and an average open-plan kitchen-lounge-diner. There was a shared garden out back and a multi-story parking lot next door.
Jason's men were in the apartment above and below ours, and had already set up surveillance in the parking-lot.
"Tomorrow, you and my dad have to pick apart the unit and the bureau, we need to know who the moles are." I explained, gesturing to Spencer.
"And what will you do?" He asked.
"I have things I need to check in on," I said, chewing on my lip. "I'll take Tilly back to my dad's first."
"You can't just go out and about, Mel, you need to be careful."
There was a pause as I glared at him.
"I'm aware I can't go parading down the street singing for the cell to come get me. I do know that I have intelligence agencies out to get me, but I do also need to live a life now that I'm free."
"You have to lay low. We just got you back."
I decided to let it drop, knowing it wasn't worth arguing over.
"Have you been in contact with Darren?" I asked Jason, who nodded.
"He knows you have to limit contact to avoid suspicion, he's glad you're back here safe and he's making contact with more people to draft in extra bodies."
I nodded, pleased.
"I really appreciate all of his help. I'll call him tomorrow to check in..."
There was a thick atmosphere and Spencer had folded his arms and was chewing on his lip to conceal a displeased expression.
"We better try to get some sleep," I said eventually. "Thanks so much for this guys, we really do appreciate it..."
Jason and Jimmy nodded, heading off for the spare bedroom.
"Could you try to be a little bit appreciative." I snapped as Spencer and I entered our bedroom.
"What do you mean?" He asked innocently, closing the door behind us.
"I know you have beef with Darren, I know you can't let go or forgive what he did in the past. But if it wasn't for him and his brother, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd still be wandering the streets of London, or trying to walk back to the US, or worse, I'd be with Interpol or the cell and you'd all still think I was dead..."
I pulled the curtains closed and Spencer got into his pyjamas, not answering anything I'd just said.
"So you're allowed to have beef about the Jones' but I'm not allowed to be pissed about Dylan?"
"I didn't say you weren't allowed to be pissed about Dylan. I'm pissed about Dylan." He said as he climbed into bed moodily.
"So are we not going to talk about it?"
"What is there to talk about?" He shrugged and I scoffed.
"The fact that you fucked a bitch who's now out to get us?"
He shuddered at my bluntness and I folded my arms.
"It was years ago, Mel, I wasn't to know she'd join the cell. If she even has."
"Oh c'mon Spencer, of course, she's one of them!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. "She's a part of CSI, she's been working the explosion and sticking her nose in enough to cause Morgan to be suspicious! It's inevitable she's one of them!"
"Will you keep your voice down?" He hissed, glancing at the door.
"What? Are you worried the Jones' will find out your ex is a psycho?"
He threw me a displeased look and shook his head.
"No, I'm worried our daughter will wake up and think we're arguing."
I sighed.
"Firstly, I'm not even talking that loud. Secondly, I'm not blaming you for Dylan, I just want to talk about it." I shrugged, sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed.
"I don't know what there is to talk about." He shrugged innocently, picking at the edge of the bed-sheets.
There was minimal furniture in the apartment and a very plain interior. Emily had taken so long because she'd gone to the effort of getting us basic supplies. The house smelled strongly of paint and varnish, but we were eternally grateful.
Those expenses were courtesy of the CIA, and that I accepted with open arms.
"There's everything to talk about," I insisted, shaking my head. "Dylan's a part of this and we have to acknowledge that. We have to examine your relationship together and establish whether she was a part of the cell before or after your time together."
"Why?" He sighed emphatically, throwing his arms in the air. "Why do we have to talk about that stuff? Can't we just forget about it and move on?"
"No," I said calmly, shaking my head. "No, we can't. You're going to think of me as being an insensitive cow, but we have to push each other and talk about things that we never normally would,"
I sighed and pinched my nose, trying to gain strength I didn't have anymore.
"I went through the worst pain imaginable, I kept government and country secrets, in order to protect this family, and this country. I went through that discomfort," I said, turning my eyes onto Spencer as he watched me emotionally.
"So the least we can do now, is go through the discomfort of a few awkward conversations."
The Protector
I looked at her worriedly.
Did she really want to know?
I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to say the words out loud, didn't want to go back there and rethink all of the moments I'd spent with Dylan in order to analyse them for any hint of suspicion.
All of this time, I'd thought I'd played her, by sneaking behind her back to be with Melanie.
But... had it been, that all of this time, she'd been the one playing me?
"I know you've been to hell and back..." I said in a sheepish voice. "But can we at least talk about this tomorrow?" I asked quietly, meeting her eyes and chewing on my lip. "I think we should try to rest, first."
She sighed and nodded her head, but didn't say anything, and climbed into bed still wearing the sweatshirt and leggings she'd been wearing all day.
She curled at the edge of the mattress, her back to me, and pulled the sheets up to her chin.
"I love you, Spencer." She said quietly, just when I thought she wasn't talking to me.
I slid over the mattress and curved my body around hers, kissing the back of her head as I draped an arm over her body.
"I love you more, Melly." I whispered.
We lay there like that for a long time, my heart thudding against her back, her breaths slow and deep.
I thought she'd fallen asleep, we were laid still for so long.
But then, after a long time, she slowly slid out from under my arm, being careful not to disturb the sheets or mattress too much as she moved.
I kept my eyes closed as she got to her feet and padded across the room, opening the door and slipping out silently.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, the night-lamp throwing dark shadows against the popcorn pattern.
What was I doing?
All of these years, we'd been working in partnership together, in complete synchronisation and honesty.
We'd shared everything together, we'd tackled things together, we'd been a team and we'd been madly in love.
I adored every part of her, had stopped at nothing to adore her and express myself and I'd fought so hard to remain strong when she'd gone, done everything in my power to be with her again.
And now that she was here... I was... chickening out of it?
Running away from honesty, just like I'd done all of those years ago?
We'd never really talked about Dylan after we'd married, we were so focused on our life as a family that there wasn't ever any need to revisit old ghosts.
Until now.
I sighed and heaved myself out of bed, running my hands over my face as I reached for my sweater and pulled it on, padding to the door and listening carefully.
I didn't think she'd left the apartment, and so I cracked open the door and padded out into the open-plan lounge-kitchen-diner, the small size of the apartment a little overwhelming.
The light from the bedroom illuminated the area, my shadow casting a dark pool across the laminate flooring.
Mel stood over by the front window which was cracked open as she leaned out, a cloud of smoke around her.
I padded over to her and lifted the pack from the arm of the sofa, taking the last cigarette out as I walked over to her.
"You okay?" I asked softly, placing a hand on her shoulder as I approached.
"Yeah..." She mumbled, lifting the cigarette to her mouth and taking a drag.
I took the lighter from the window ledge and lit up.
"You're back to smoking too?" She asked, watching with sparkling eyes as I puffed, feeling the relaxing sensation it brought to me.
"I have been for a while now." I nodded guiltily, blowing the smoke out of the window.
"Spencer...?" She said in a curious tone and I looked at her, my eyebrows raised inquisitively. "What's happened to your mum? You never talk about her. I've asked mum and my dad, and they tell me she's fine but... What's happened?"
I gulped and looked skyward, remembering my mom and the pain she'd been in the last time I'd seen her.
"The last I spoke with her nurses was just before we'd left for Canada," I explained distantly. "She's ill... Losing you was awful," I shook my head and gulped, dragging on my cigarette again. "She took ill and hasn't ever fully recovered... It's pneumonia... The dementia's getting worse now too."
"Oh Spencer," Melanie said softly, dipping her head sadly, sniffling. "I knew it wasn't good news when you didn't mention her..."
"Yeah uh..." I pulled on the cigarette, wondering if just now was a good time to explain about Dilaudid.
"What's wrong?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing as she stubbed out the butt of her cigarette.
"It's nothing... It's just..." I pulled on the cigarette, wondering if I pulled in enough nicotine, would it make me high.
"Spence..." She said in that gloriously buttery voice of hers, her light eyes sparkling in the darkness of the room.
She reached forward and touched my face, shaking her head as tears pooled her eyes.
"I wasn't in a good place..." I said sadly.
"You didn't..." She choked, her voice thick.
I wondered if my eyes really held that much honesty, when all I could think of was shooting up in back alleys, begging to die.
I looked down at my feet and she tipped my chin up to look at her.
"You tried to take your own life?" She choked and I nodded my head, stubbing my cigarette out on the window ledge.
"Spencer!" She gushed, pulling me into her arms, crying into my chest. "I'm so sorry!" She sobbed desperately, her hands making fists against my chest as she gathered my sweater, tugging desperately.
"I thought the Dilaudid would kill me..." I whispered into her shaved head, my arms circling her. "I just wanted to be with you again..."
She pulled back and looked at me, framed my face with her cold and shaking hands.
"Never," She choked. "Ever do anything like that again," She pleaded. "I've been there, on the edge, thinking that this life isn't worth living," She shook her head.
"Nothing is worth it," She said through gritted teeth, her tears streaming down her cheeks. "Nothing," She spat.
"Those bastards proved to me that every breath you inhale is precious and numbered, don't ever think you're not worth it."
"Life isn't worth living if it's not with you." I choked and she whimpered, throwing her arms around my neck tightly.
I had to lean down significantly for her to hold me like this, but it was worth it just to feel her in my arms again.
Her daily training was helping her muscles slightly, but she was still skin and bones. Her wounds had healed, but had scarred, and she still only ate in small amounts. Any more made her physically sick, and one evening she had collapsed from sugar intake.
She was on a strict and monitored diet, and mainly drank water and decaffeinated coffee, a polar opposite to what she was normally fuelled with.
But, I'd plan every bite of food that passed her lips, and rub her back from now until doomsday whilst she vomited, so long as she was back in our lives and with us.
I'd take anything in comparison to the hell of believing she was dead.
The Fighter
We'd gone back into the bedroom and were sitting in the middle of the bed, facing one another, our legs crossed with our knees touching.
I couldn't believe that Spencer had turned to Dilaudid again, and so he'd told me of the note he'd written to our family, the desperation to be reunited with me far too strong.
He'd shot up that first time and when he hadn't died, he pushed himself to take more and more to get through each day, until each day was spent shooting up to escape reality.
Until, Beth found him in an alley, half-dead with liver and kidney failure.
He'd spent time in the hospital and was thankful for transplants, and so he'd kicked back into action, desperate to find a trace of why I'd been killed.
And then, I'd escaped, they'd been bombed, and here we were.
Alive to tell the tale.
"I can't believe it..." I whispered into the silence, looking down at our knees resting against each other.
"I came out there to talk to you about Dylan..." He scoffed. "Instead I chose the other D," He shook his head and I sniggered. "What?" He asked with an arched eyebrow.
"D." I echoed and he frowned, displeased.
"Now isn't the time for immature jokes, Mel." He said, before his face cracked a smile and we both laughed.
"Ironic," I shrugged, and ran a hand over my head. "So, you finally wanted to talk about the bitch?"
Spencer shuddered and this time I cocked an eyebrow.
"Don't tell me you're getting defensive?"
He shook his head.
"The thought of going back there... talking about her," He shuddered. "It's a time I was relieved to escape."
"It seems like we're both doing a lot of escaping recently, but not really getting anywhere."
We looked at each other for a moment and he licked his lips.
"We first met on a case," He began.
"She was shadowing one of the scientists we had to consult with. It was a case about a killer using chemicals to dissolve the bodies of his victims. We needed advice, and Morgan and I had gone to the chemical expert at the Bureau. She was shadowing, and when I learned she was a descendant of Einstein..." He smirked and shook his head. "Morgan had said it was destined,"
He shook his head in disgust and looked down at his lap.
"You'd been gone for over a year, I was still struggling, but I'd just moved to the other apartment and I kept preaching about a new start. So, Morgan had convinced me to go back that evening when she'd finished her shift.
"We'd gone for coffee and met up the following weekend. We went to a local science fare and spoke about her relations, she was keen on science and forensics, but was more focused on experiments and chemicals than bodies and death,"
He shrugged and rubbed at his jaw.
"It was casual. And slow. I wasn't looking for anything else," He explained.
"We'd meet after work and go for walks and talk about article subscriptions and the latest theories," He sighed. "It all seems so stupid now," He shrugged.
"Anyway... Things got serious after about six months... There was a night at the local bar with the unit, it'd been a heavy case and Dylan had helped us out. She came along, and we all got pretty drunk. The following morning when I woke up, she'd stayed at the apartment. Nothing had happened, but I felt... distracted. Distracted from you that I thought she was the perfect excuse to indulge and run away from the memories.
"So we began officially dating, saw each other more regularly, and she stayed over once every couple of weeks. Nothing happened, and then the week before that first case with you," He smirked and shook his head, his voice growing thicker.
"I pushed myself because I thought 'this is ridiculous' y'know? 'You have to get over her, she's not coming back, she's moved on and she's better off without you', 'just commit to this and you'll feel better'... I didn't,"
He shook his head and my eyes filled with tears.
"We had sex and it felt like the most forced, unwanted thing I'd ever done in my life... It was a distraction from you, but the whole time I was just reminded of you and our time together and I couldn't..." He shook his head.
"I knew I couldn't let it happen again... And then you came back the following week and I knew I didn't want it to ever happen again, because you were all I'd ever want."
"Did she ever question why you weren't intimate?" I asked and he shook his head.
"That never really came up in conversation... We never really... spoke openly."
"You didn't talk about sex?" He shook his head. "You didn't ever talk about your relationship together, where you were going or what you wanted from it?" He shook his head again, still avoiding my eyes.
"Did you ever talk about us?"
He paused and nodded his head, sighing shakily.
"I drank quite a lot," He admitted. "She didn't know I smoked, her dad died of lung cancer so she was against anything that could impact her health. She didn't drink often and when I did, she'd sit and judge, so I just cracked one night and told her everything."
"Everything?"
"Well, almost everything," He shrugged.
"I said we'd gotten pregnant and engaged, and we had everything together... Then about the m-miscarriage... She didn't know about Dilaudid or your attack or trying to find your dad... What she knew was limited."
There was a thick silence.
"Do you ever wonder how different things would be if our baby boy had survived?" I asked after a long pause, not really knowing where the question had come from.
"All of the time," He answered without missing a beat. "Do you?"
"Almost every day." I answered, nodding and meeting his eyes with a tearful smile.
"We were trying so hard... before," He said, picking at a bit of thread on his pyjama trousers. "Since you've come back," He said shakily. "I've wondered each day if you were pregnant, and if they beat it out of you." He choked.
"For a while, I wondered that too," I admitted. "I was bleeding so much, I don't think I would've been able to tell," I sniggered without humour. "But no..." I sighed. "I don't think I was."
"Do you think..." He paused and chewed on his lip, his cheeks flushing under my pressing gaze. "Do you think that we'll ever have another baby?"
He looked up and met my eyes and I smiled.
"Hopefully one day," I nodded. "When things are safer and life is more..." I looked around us. "Normal." I added, trying to find the right word.
"I'm so relieved that you're here." He said suddenly, reaching forward to pull me into his arms.
We curled together underneath the sheets, my face pressed against his chest and his arms enveloping me in his safe embrace.
The Comforter
That first night back at the house was awful.
I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning, on constant alert, paranoid of every little noise.
It wasn't the same, knowing that Melanie was only two doors down, safe and sound with Spencer.
Knowing she was so far away was treacherous.
I'd gotten up and sat in the living room, staring out of the window at the idle car, knowing we were safe with one of Jason's men outside, another upstairs snoring his brains out.
My dad had come down after a while, and we'd talked for a bit before we both sat in silence, holding cold cups of coffee that neither of us had really wanted.
"Do you think things will ever go back to normal?" I'd asked as the sun had come up.
"What's normal, son?" He'd responded.
And so I'd gotten dressed and headed out under the pretense of going for a jog, catching up with friends at the park. They'd argued with me and told me I shouldn't be doing that, and that one of Jason's men had to come with me.
"I'm calling Melanie." Beth had said defiantly.
"Worry Melanie with this, and I'll never talk to you again," I'd warned. "I'll be half an hour, tops. I'll be fine."
"Take this," My dad had said, and handed me a gun. "It's the one you trained with, you need to keep it on you at all times."
We'd argued about it before I'd given in and left.
I'd gotten to the end of the street before realising one of Jason's men was tailing me, regardless.
I jogged the few blocks to town and pushed inside the coffee shop, knowing she'd be on shift.
"Let me take my break," She nodded as she handed me a coffee cup. I winked and took to a table in the back corner, sitting with my back against the wall so that I could see the rest of the shop.
I pulled my baseball-cap down further and eyed the scene. It was relatively quiet, but outside, I could see Jason's guy in the car, craning his neck to see me.
I rolled my eyes and watched as Naomi came over and sat down opposite me.
"You're looking well." She grinned, her eyes sparkling.
"So are you," I grinned in return, sipping at my coffee. "How've things been?" I asked, leaning closer to her.
"I should be asking you that," She laughed, leaning forward too. I could smell her perfume and her shampoo, the smell of apple and mint.
"Things have been fine," She insisted. "I completed my proposal for my assignment and I have my interview next week."
"Seriously?"
She grinned and giggled excitedly.
"That's amazing! I'm so pleased!" I laughed in elation. "That's excellent news, Mimi."
Her eyes glazed over and her cheeks flushed.
"I love it when you call me that." She blushed, blinking down at her hands resting on the table in front of her.
I reached forward and swept my knuckles over her flaming cheek.
"I know."
*
I spent another ten minutes with Naomi, finished my coffee and promised to call her that night, before I left the coffee shop.
I opened the car door and ducked inside.
"Okay, we can go home now." I said gruffly.
"Y'know," He said, starting the engine. "If it's a bit on the side you wanted to see, I'd have brought you here myself, not a bother." He said in that rough English accent.
"Whatever." I huffed, folding my arms as we took off.
As we pulled up I realised that Jason's car was outside, and that meant Melanie was here.
My dad's car was gone, which meant that he and Spencer were probably back at work again.
Jason's guy - who was called Frank - opened the front door for me and we pushed inside.
"I'm alive and well, there's no need for a freakin' chaperone!" I called, pushing inside the front room.
"What's a freakin' chaperone?" Tilly asked, jumping off the sofa and onto my back as I entered the room.
Melanie tutted and hit my cap off my head, frowning.
"Don't say freakin'," She warned Tilly. "And there's every need for a chaperone until I say otherwise," She warned me sternly.
I pulled a face at her and sat myself and Tilly down on the floor.
"You went for a jog?" She pressed curiously, folding her arms as Tilly climbed from me and jumped back onto the sofa next to Mel.
"Yeah, I need to keep fit don't I?" I shrugged, pulling the gun from the back of my pants to sit it on the mantle.
Beth snatched it away, frantically glancing at Tilly as she slid it into the pocket of her apron.
"Mel's got some errands to run and needs for us to look after Tilly." Beth explained, nodding to Mel.
"Errands?" I echoed. "Can I come?" Mel frowned and shook her head. "Well, who's going with you?" I looked at Jimmy and Jason who were sitting awkwardly on one of the sofas.
"Nobody. I'm doing this alone."
"You're what now?" I laughed as Tilly came back to my lap, trying to tie my hair with bands.
"I don't want anybody involved. It's too dangerous."
"Oh yeah," I laughed, my eyes watering as Tilly pulled my hair too tight. "It's that dangerous you'd much rather hurt yourself than have someone else there to help you." I rolled my eyes and held Tilly's hand as she tried to twist my hair again.
"I told you he wouldn't agree either," Beth warned. "Just let Jason go with you. Jimmy can come with us to the park, it's no big deal." She shrugged.
"It is a big deal when I don't want anyone getting dragged into what I have to do." Mel grumbled.
"Listen, Melanie, we're not arguing about this," Beth said in that stern tone she only reserved for special occasions.
"Jason is going with you or you're not going at all. I don't care if I have to handcuff you in the basement. You're not being ridiculous about this, and you're not going alone."
Beth's tone was final as she pushed out of the room, marking the end of the conversation.
I stuck my tongue out at Mel from behind Tilly's back and she flipped me off, rolling her eyes as she got to her feet.
"Gimme a huggo baby-love, I've gotta go." Melanie said, gesturing to Tilly.
"But momma why?" Tilly frowned, clambering from me to run into Melanie's arms.
"Only for a little while, I promise." She said, kissing the tip of Tilly's nose.
We all watched them say goodbye before I dragged Tilly away, kicking and screaming, deciding that of course today would be a good day to clear out the basement and make it our secret den.
That wasn't bribery, it was just smart thinking.
The Fighter
"How do you even know they'll be here?" Jason asked as we approached the impressive building in the suburbs.
"I don't," I sighed, shaking my head and chewing on my lip. "But it's where she said she'd have them if she ever needed them to go someplace safe."
"And she'd really leave them here whilst she came to England?" Jason asked incredulously.
"I don't know... Maybe... Maybe it'd be safer that way. I'd want my kids in another country too." I nodded and then groaned as we approached the house to see the impressive metal gates closed, a controlled intercom on the brick pillar adjacent.
"What?" Jason asked, turning to look at me worriedly.
"They never used to have controlled entry," I explained. "That's going to be a problem."
I unfastened my seat-belt and climbed out of the car, pulling the hood up on my sweater as I strategically placed my sleeve over the camera and pressed the buzzer.
"May I help you?" An elderly voice asked from the monitor.
"Yes, hello. I'm looking for the Deacon siblings," I said in my best American accent. "I'm a friend of Caitlyn's, my name is Ainsley Hart."
There was a pause.
"Deacon, you say?" The voice asked.
"That's correct..." I prayed and prayed and prayed and-
"I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny if we have anyone by that name here. Without some valid identification, I cannot permit you access to the grounds."
"You have to see my identification?" I asked incredulously.
"Yes, or produce a password from the mother. May I help you with anything else?"
"So what now?" Jason asked as I got back in the car.
"I'm going to have to bring Spencer," I said. "That's the only way I'm getting in there."
"But you said the boy's how old? Jack's age?" I nodded my head as Jason drove off.
"How do you know he doesn't have full custody?"
"He might have," I agreed. "But doubtful. Caitlyn would have wanted them someplace safe and secure... I should've known it wouldn't have been as easy as just walking through the front door."
"We can always blast it down?" Jason grinned confidently and I rolled my eyes.
"Not happening."
The Protector
When Aaron and I returned to the house after work, Jason's car was gone and I was trying not to panic.
"She's running some errands." Beth had said, sat on the rug playing with Tilly as Jack was upstairs on the phone.
I'd panicked and paced for a while, before Jason's car had pulled up outside.
"What the hell is that?" Aaron asked, looking out the front window, staring as a motorcycle peeled up in front of the house.
The rider climbed off in leather motorcycle gear and I immediately recognised that body.
I rushed to the front door and threw it open.
"You got a motorcycle?" I gasped as Melanie removed her helmet with an elated grin.
"Honestly Spence, it's so exhilarating!" She gushed, walking to me with her arms wide.
"Ahem," Jason's voice came from the car. "I'm your bodyguard, not you're fucking slave." He said, popping the trunk.
I walked forward in a daze and took the bags from the trunk as Melanie pushed inside the house, swinging Tilly up and into her arms.
"You who!" A voice called from down the street.
"Hello, Martha!" Beth laughed awkwardly and waved whilst I nodded and hurried inside the house.
"We have to be more careful with the neighbours." Aaron tutted as I took the bags into the living room where Melanie was showing Tilly her helmet.
"It's okay, I spoke to Martha, explained Spencer had a new girlfriend." Beth said from the doorway in a low voice.
"You did what?" Melanie blurted as Jack burst into laughter.
"That can wait," I said, fanning everyone silent. "You got a motorcycle?" I repeated incredulously, folding my arms and pursing my lips.
"Uh... yeah..." She laughed self-consciously and got to her feet.
"It takes less time to get from the apartment to here," She explained, nodding at her parents happily. "And it's easier to get around, a car draws too much attention and is a bigger target." She shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You think a car attracts more attention than a motorcycle?" I questioned, completely and utterly shocked.
"Yeah..." She nodded. "I mean, when I'm in this gear and when I have my helmet on, virtually nobody recognises me," She smiled. "It's great. It's so inconspicuous." Tilly was rubbing her leather pants and laughing at the squeaky noises.
"I can't believe you're okay with this," I said, shaking my head. "D'you forget how you reacted when Caitlyn got her motorcycle?"
Mel fell silent and chewed on her lip.
"Where is Auntie Caity?" Tilly pouted with sad eyes. "We haven't seen her for a long time." She said sadly.
"Oh I know baby-love," Melanie sighed, lifting her up into her arms with a groan. "Maybe we'll all get to see her soon." She said, and kissed the side of her face. "But I've got something that'll cheer you up!" She sat down on the couch with Tilly and turned to the bags I'd laid on the floor.
We all sat around as Melanie showed Tilly the clothes she'd bought for us, and I marveled at how she'd spent her day. Buying us a closet so she could become a different person.
"I just don't know where the money's come from, that's all I'm bothering about." I said that night as we climbed into bed.
"You don't have to worry about it," She said simply. "I had cash stashed at my dad's house, in case anything happened to me. I was surprised when I found it. Hadn't you guys received my will?"
I shook my head, shuddering at the memory.
"Your dad dealt with all the legal stuff," I explained. "Because we didn't have a body, we had to wait five years before the solicitor would release anything."
"Five years?" She gasped incredulously, looking more radiant and confident now than before.
I nodded my head and she shook hers.
"That's outrageous. Remind me to speak to my solicitor once this is all over."
"So you didn't get up to anything else today, other than shopping for clothes and... a motorcycle?" I shuddered again at the thought of Melanie zooming through the streets of DC whilst international law enforcement and the NYTC were after her.
"Actually, yes," She said, pulling the sheets around our bodies as we lay on our sides, facing each other.
"I tried to find Caitlyn's kids," I stared at her in shock, wondering if she was being serious.
"When we used to work undercover with Interpol years ago, I knew her escape plan. When we went away on cases for days, or sometimes weeks, she'd leave Ben and Daisy at a local institute. Kinda like a boarding school, but for the kids of spies and law enforcement. She'd signed a contract that if she hadn't returned with a year, or if they hadn't heard from her within a year, that her kids should be fostered or adopted out."
"You're being serious?" I choked and she nodded her head.
"She told me the password and location of the institute, the names of the kids' key-workers, and when she had Thomas, she even explained how he had been a part of that contract too."
"So... what are you saying... are they... are they there now?"
"I don't know, I tried to check but they've upped their security. They have CCTV and monitors on controlled gates. Everything is more complicated now."
"And you think they'd still be there? Not... someplace in England?"
"I know Caitlyn," Melanie said defiantly. "The entire time they were torturing me, I questioned every second Caitlyn was there. I couldn't understand why she was a part of things, and how that'd come to be. I couldn't fathom why she would willingly be involved in torturing me, without letting me in on it too. Of course, she helped me escape but... I know her. I know that everything she does is for a reason, and it's part of something bigger.
"Years might've passed and she might've become dirty, but her habits won't have changed. Especially when it comes to the kids. Despite everything, I'm still Thomas' godmother."
"I can't believe you're supporting her after everything she's done. She might've only whipped you that last day, but Mel, she still dictated your torture."
Melanie nodded with glazed eyes.
"I know that Spence, I do," She sighed shakily. "But Caitlyn's smart. The kids, she wouldn't have taken them with her to England. She's told you she has, but I would bet my life that they're in that institution. If we can get to them, then we have a bargaining chip for her with Interpol."
"Mel..." I couldn't quite work out what she was suggesting.
"You're not using the kids as bait." I said simply.
"I'm not," She said, shaking her head. "I'm playing her," She shrugged. "After all of these years, and after everything we've been through. I'm proving that I still know her, and there's no way I'm letting this go. If I can get the kids, maybe I'll have the chance to force Interpol down."
The Fighter
It was a long shot, but it was worth it. Spencer got dressed in the new clothes I'd bought for him, smart and pristine. His hair was long but after I'd trimmed the edges, it looked far neater.
I was sad to watch him shave away the stubble, but I knew he had to look his smartest and neatest.
Together, we got into Jason's car with Tilly, and drove across town to the institution.
Tilly was in her new clothes too, with her hair in cute pigtails and her cheeks flushed with excitement.
She loved playing with Thomas, and missed him greatly. I could still recall the last time we'd all been together, and the fun we'd all had as one big family.
It made me sick to think of everything that had happened since then, and how much Caitlyn could betray me.
Together we went over the plan, and then Jason and I sat in a coffee shop a mile away whilst Spencer and Tilly took the car with Jimmy to the institution.
"What're you thinking?" Jason asked me as I stared down into my americano.
"That if this works, I might have a chance of living a normal life." I admitted, pushing the glasses up my nose self-consciously.
I was wearing clear-lens glasses and a beanie, trying my best to blend into the back wall of the coffee shop.
"What makes you think it'll work?" He asked, leaning against the wall next to our table so he could get a better look around the shop.
"She's a creature of habit," I shrugged. "She's a spy, but she's also a mother."
"But this Ben kid,what makes you think he'll even be at the institute?"
"I'm not sure if he will be," I admitted, shaking my head. "My money's on Thomas. Ben and Daisy, they're adults, but not legally over here. Technically, they could still be there."
We sat in the coffee shop for over an hour, drinking americanos and watching people come and go nervously.
Eventually, a horn honked from outside, and when I craned my neck to see, I recognised Jason's SUV and Tilly waving frantically out of the passenger window.
Her pigtails were lopsided and her cheeks were flushed even more than before, the shadow of a chocolate stain on the inner corners of her mouth.
She climbed into the back seat to sit beside me as Jason got into shot-gun.
"So?" I pushed desperately as we buckled up.
"Momma it was so much fun!" Tilly gushed. "I did as I promised and I didn't talk about you, I didn't, I promise, not once!" She clapped her hands and squealed and I laughed, reaching over to kiss her head.
Spencer was driving us back to the house so that he and my dad could go into work.
"That's great baby-love, I'm so proud of you!" I thrilled. "How's Tommy?"
"Tommy's fine," She shrugged. "He needs to go to class all the time, but he was allowed to skip because we were visiting." She said happily.
"That's wonderful!" I squealed, catching Spencer's eye in the mirror.
"Tell momma who else you were playing with." Spencer encouraged.
"Daisy tried to fix my hair, but I wouldn't let her because I wanted to play soccer with Ben and Tommy. She kept wanting to hug me but that was boring." She sang and I burst into squeals, clapping my hands elatedly.
"That is excellent!" I thrilled and Tilly looked at me funny for a moment before carrying on excitedly.
Spencer was smiling at me in the mirror and when our eyes met, he winked proudly.
I was so relieved.
We had our way in.
It was a long-shot, but we'd taken it, and now we had our opportunity.
*
"So, what now?" My dad asked, his hands on his hips as he stood in the kitchen in his work suit, raring to go.
"We need to make a move. Tonight. Dad," I said, gesturing to my dad. "I need you to start pressing buttons with Wilson and Dylan. Push back, bite back. Go to my office and take pictures, I want to see if anyone else has been in there. If you see Annie, push back and test her," My dad was nodding, his game-face on.
"Spencer, you need to stay here," I said. "We need to get the kids from the institute. We need to make a move before they tell Caitlyn. You're sure they were going to class?"
Spencer nodded, rubbing at his jaw.
"They don't have access to cell-phones until after four o'clock. They're on a tight regime and were relieved to see us. It's not cruel, it's just regulated." He explained.
"Okay, we make a move," I nodded. "We get the kids, we have our bargaining chip."
"And what about the others?" Beth asked nervously, her hands clasped in front of her face and her thumbs pressed to her lips.
"Others?" I questioned curiously, gripping onto the kitchen island.
"Well, you have Jason and all of his men," Beth nodded towards Jason who was leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, slicing and eating an apple.
"You have Jack and I," She nodded towards Jack on my other side. "There's Emily and Penelope and Derek and your New York team..."
"I know," I nodded. "There are so many other layers to this, and I know it's tedious and confusing," I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Look at how far we've come," I said, gesturing around us. "We're stood back home, I'm alive, and we have protection. I need to make sure it's safe before I really get going. And I do that by making sure I don't have the CIA or Interpol's target on my back,"
Beth nodded and avoided my eyes.
"Caitlyn, Emily and Liu are the crucial players in ensuring that doesn't happen. We get Caitlyn to comply, and Emily confirms. That removes Interpol. I target Liu and that removes the CIA. We identify a safe team, and I can return to the Bureau."
"What's the end game?" Jack questioned, his arms against his chest.
"Are we doing all of this so you can live your life again? Or so that you can go back to work?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "It isn't as small as that," I explained. "It's far bigger. We're doing all of this so I can get to the cell and bring them down."