The straps on my arms were terrifying. They were right over that spot on my inner elbow. That horrifying spot.
My head rested on a white pillow and the darkness was silent. Eerily silent. My room had no window. No suicidal kids got windows. We were banned from even thinking of the outside world.
I couldn't sleep through the darkness of night. I didn't want to sleep. If you don't sleep long enough you die. I'd be OK with that.
My mind wasn't pointed at any particular thought, so it wandered like a lost soul. Never mind, I was a lost soul.
As my mind wandered aimlessly, I began to think of Gerard. I thought of his many smirks. His little notes he would leave me. His soft kisses. His black hair. His pale skin.
I could feel the tears burn at the brim of my eyes, but I held them back as I remembered what I was told the first time I was here.
A young teenage girl with piercing black eyes had seen me almost have a mental breakdown in the cafeteria.
Her skin was ghostly pale and covered in dark purple bruises staining her snow white skin. Across her face were bloody scratch marks that she couldn't have made herself because we weren't allowed to have long nails or use sharp objects without supervision. Someone had put those bruises and scars on her body and she had been at the institution for awhile now.
She looked up at me through her jet black eyes and stared into my own before speaking in a haunting whisper. "Don't cry or they'll hurt you."
I reigned my tears back in and never cried at the institution again.
Just like I was holding my tears back now at this moment. Don't cry or they'll hurt you. Don't cry or they'll hurt you. Don't cry or they'll hurt you.
I had the urge to scream out. I wanted out. I didn't belong here. I belonged in Gerard's arms cradling around my waist while whispering in my ear. Kissing the top of my head and then softly kissing my lips. I needed to be with him. I loved him.
But not here. This is a place for concealing emotion inside you until they finally let you out.
If you ever get out.
It's like a prison more than an institution. It's not to help you. It's to kill you from the inside out.
I let myself shut my eyes. I need to sleep my feelings away. That's the only way to deal with feelings here. The only way to be happy is while you're asleep.
Problem is, I was too paranoid to sleep.
It was pitch black and I was being strapped down on that sensitive spot on my arms. I wasn't sleeping.
So I used my voice and started to sing, but my voice broke with every lyric.
"Hand in mine" I sang attempting not to sob. "Into your icy blues. And then I'd say to... " No, I couldn't sing Demolition Lovers. I'd cry if I tried. I let out a deep breath.
Something else needed to be sang.
I smiled as I began to think of the happiest song I could. Bicycle Races by Queen.
I started to sing with a joyous tone. "I want to ride my bicycle! I want to ride my bike!" I shouted. What's going to happen that would make this so much worse?
I smiled as I finally felt sleep win my battle.
***
I awoke to my door clicking and Lyndsey appearing in the door frame.
"Good morning Scarlett." she said with a smile.
"Morning" I replied as she unstrapped my arms from the bed.
I inspected them to see little red indents where the strap had been.
"Be down for the morning pill test in five minutes." she said as she walked out of the room.
I combed through my hair with my fingers. It was a tangled mess. But tangled or not, appearances don't mean much here.
Fuck this. I don't care about my appearance. I thought and ran out of the room to get to the cafeteria.
Why were all the halls so fucking white? Was it that hard to have gotten some kind of color?
I hopped into the elevator and let it carry me downward to the first floor.
I went into the cafeteria. I noticed all the other patients sitting at seats where their name was taped.
The tables were in groups and I noticed that my name was the only name at a table with an empty chair. The rest of the seats had been filled. I sat down. There was another girl my age, two boys my age, two female children, two male children, two elderly men, and two elderly women.
A nurse walked to the front of our table to speak about today's test.
"Alright, today you'll be testing the pill Abraxane. " she said while giving each patient a small pink pill.
At each seat there was a glass of water waiting for us to wash the pill down with.
I took a swig of the water and slipped the pill into bed my throat and felt it slide down.
Yes, we test drugs. Not because we need them, but because someone's got to.
****************************
For those of you who haven't caught on yet, this is the early 90s. In the 90s, there were still insane asylums where they were not only abused, but patients did infact test out medications before they were released to the public. One of the most famous of these was the polio vaccine. It too was first tested in an asylum. And in an interview with an old woman who spent some of her early teen years in an asylum, she was in actuality told that if she cried, she would be hurt.