#MMIM31
We both stayed inside his car silently. Hindi ko alam kung iimik ba ako o ano. May trabaho pa ako, Vale. Sana sabihin mo na ang kailangan mong sabihin.
Tumikhim ako. "Ano ba paguusapan natin? Nandito na tayo, diba? Bakit kanina parang hindi ka matahimik, ngayon—"
"I'm sorry."
Napatigil ako nang marinig ko ang sabi niya.
Sorry saan? Dahil sa kanina? Dahil sa asal niya sa office?
"Yun lang ba?" Bahagya akong umiling. "Dahil ba sa taas? Sa office? Okay na 'yon. Okay na? Tapos na?"
"Nat.."
"Ano?!" I couldn't help but raise my voice. "What do we have to talk about, Vale?"
Hindi ko na kayang umupo lang dito na kasama siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero nalulungkot ako. Naiinis rin ako. Agh, hindi ko alam! Kaya ayokong nandito't kasama siya. Mababaliw lang ako dito.
Umiwas siya ng tingin at huminga nang malalim
Ano ba ang iniisip niya? Ano ba gusto niyang pag-usapan? Ano gusto niyang sabihin?
VANCE LAWRENCE
"Hey, it's me." Bigkas ko sa tapat ng cellphone ko.
I immediately shook my head as I practiced once again. Hindi ko naman na kailangan tawagan. I'm the last person she wants to hear from right now.
"Ano ba, ano ba?" I groaned in frustration as I looked at myself in the mirror.
I miss her.
"Hey," Rinig ko galing samay pintuan. I glaced over at Aurora who was standing by the doorframe. "You're so dead."
I already knew what she was talking about. She crossed her arms and laughed.
"You know Papa's going to be pissed once he finds out what your NMAT results are, right? It's impossible to get those results even if you were the dumbest person in the planet."
"Edi I'm the stupidest, not the dumbest." I smiled as I threw a pillow over to her.
She threw back the pillow and sat on my bed. Aurora's really growing up now. Sometimes, I see her as my little sister who I used to fetch in school. Ngayon.. I don't know. Time goes by way too fast.
"Mom knows you failed your NMAT on purpose," She shrugged. "So what's your plan?"
Nagkatinginan kami ni Aurora, at sabay rin naming tinignan yung gitara na nasa tabi ng higaan ko. She grinned and nodded.
"Yes, Kuya. Yes." She continued to nod. "Please! Ugh, grabe, you were so unhappy studying for the NMAT! Sobrang miserable mong tignan!"
I sighed and looked at my phone. Natalia would be saying yes now, too. She'd probably tell me to get off my butt and start recording songs. Just by thinking of how excited she'd be.. how excited she would have been...
"Kuya, what happened pala between you and Ate Nat?" tanong ni Aurora. "When she left, Kuya Clint says parang kayo pero hindi."
I almost choked on my own breath as she spoke. I never thought of that. What did they think Nat was? Obviously, Papa knows the truth, but what did my siblings think?
"Valir misses her, by the way," Aurora stated as she got up. She made her way back out of my room. "I do, too!"
Pagka-alis ni Aurora, tumunog bigla ang cellphone ko. There were multiple messages from Ena and the others, inviting for a night out later. Nagulat na lang ako nung may message galing kay Tita Sol sa facebook.
Look who's working with us!
Napangiti ako nung nakita ko si Natalia sa picture na sinend ni tita. She looked.. happier.
I couldn't help but think of the letter she gave before she left.
Has she moved on?
Is she doing okay now?
Is she happy?
"You know what? We'll get you drunk!" Mage giggled as she poured a shot of tequila.
"Vale doesn't drink." Tumawa si Lia.
"Ngayon nga lang tayo nagsama sama ulit since the wedding!" Sumimangot si Mage.
"May pinagdaadanan ba siya?" tanong ko kay Lia. "She stopped drinking na, diba? Bakit naman umiinom ulit 'to?"
She shrugged and looked over at Mage who was ordering another bottle of Cuervo.
It's my first time back here in Concoctions, and it feels as though I went back to college. Though kakagraduate ko lang naman, I still feel old seeing these many drunk kids around me. I haven't been in this type of crowd in a long time since I'm always at Church.
"Hindi ka ba papagalitan na nandito ka?" tanong ni Ena sa akin. "Diba bawal ka pumunta sa mga inuman!"
"You're the one who forced me to come." I laughed.
"Eh nung college naman tayo kahit anong pilit namin sa'yo, di ka pa rin pumupunta!" Kumunot ang noo niya. "Okay ka lang ba? May pinagdadaanan ka ba?"
Napatingin agad sa akin si Lia. I cleared my throat and avoided eye contact.
"I'm fine."
"Hey, just give me the shot." Mage begged. "You're such a killjoy, Lia. Is this what the doctor's teaching you?"
"Shut up," Umiling si Lia at binigay sa kanya ang shot glass. "Drink then."
"Let's go sa house na lang." Lia suggested. "Too much people here."
"Sus, you're just scared na baka dumating sa mga kuya mo na you're nasa inuman again—"
"Shut up!" ulit ni Lia.
Napatawa naman si Ena kay Mage at Lia. Tumingin siya sa akin at tumayo. "Tara, Bakakeng."
I nodded and got my keys. Sabay sabay na kaming pumunta doon with no convoy. Dumaan rin muna silang tatlo sa 7/11 para bumili ng pagkain at inumin.
"Okay, okay." Nilabas ni Mage ang beer na binili nila sa 7/11 pagkarating namin sa loob ng bahay nina Lia. "Play station time!"
Kumuha si Lia ng sarili niyang bote at umupo sa tabi ko habang pinapanuod namin silang dalawa ni Selena na nagtatawanan na parang bata. She smiled and shook her head.
"Sayang, wala si Raffy," she said. "Enjoying her last few days before enrolling, I guess?"
Tumango ako. "Kasama niya raw si Claude, diba?"
"Yeah." Lia nodded, as well. "Sana all nalang ang aking say."
Tumawa ako at inakbayan siya. "Come on, LDR isn't that bad. Onting tiis nalang naman."
"So Nat left," Lia stated.
Nagbuntong hininga ako at tumingin sa malayo. Napatingin ulit ako sa kanya nujg inaalok niya yung bote ng beer sa akin.
I smiled and took the bottle. Next thing I know, I was scrolling through my contacts, desperately trying to find Natalia's name.
"Hello?"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang marinig kong may sumagot. I didn't even bother to check my phone. I quickly stood up and went outside.
"Hi," I softly said as I closed the giant door. "Sorry."
"Huh?"
"For disturbing. I know you probably don't want to hear from me."
I sighed and sat by the big steps in front of Lia's house. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at pinigilan ang iyak ko.
"I miss you."
"Ano?"
"I just hope you're happy."
"Anong pinagsasabi mo?!" Napatigil ako nung narinig kong lalaki na ang nagsasalita.
I cringed once I saw Raffy's name on my phone. Napasapo ako sa noo ko at binalik ang cellphone ko sa tenga ko.
"Sorry, bro, ikaw talaga sana yung tatawagan ko." I laughed.
"I think he thought I was Nat, babe." Mahina kong rinig galing kay Raffy. "Ask him if he's okay!"
"Okay ka lang ba?" tanong ni Claude sa akin.
"Oo!" I forced a laugh. "Sorry, brad! Prank call lang kasi 'yon."
"Oo nga, alam kong para sakin yung mga sinasabi mo, e." Claude giggled. "Nandito kami sa starbucks, gusto mo sumunod?"
"Di na, bro," I declined. "Enjoy kayo."
We both said goodbye and ended the call. I sat there in silence as I thought about what Natalia would say if I just.. called her up. Matutuwa ba siya? Would she be angry? Would she be sad?
Napahilamos ako ng mukha bago ako bumalik sa loob. The next day, I went straight to Church and helped with the things that were needed to be done for the services tomorrow. Gabi na rin kami natapos kaya naman umupo muna ako sa hub para magpahinga. Caleb and the others were also there, laughing at things I wasn't listening to.
Nagulat ako nung umupo si Elijah sa tabi ko. He gave me a smile as I looked up. Binalik ko naman 'yon sa kanya at umiwas ng tingin.
"Kumusta, Vale?" tanong ni Elijah.
Nagpilit ako ng ngiti. "Okay lang naman."
"Talaga?" he said. "I was doing my devotion this morning and I think God dropped a word for you.."
Tumaas ang kilay ko. I've been avoiding talking to God about my plans for the future. Especially after I read that letter. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang pupuntahan ko. Natatakot rin ako dahil baka mali ang piliin kong desisyon. I keep thinking; there's still a chance I could take the NMAT again. I could still turn around.
My thoughts are filled with doubts. Palagi ko nalang naiisip na baka nga tama si Papa, maybe making music would lead me nowhere.
"I think what the Spirit was pushing me to tell you is.." Elijah started. "How you think is not how God thinks. His ways are higher than your ways, and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts."
Tumayo ang balahibo ko nang marinig ko 'yon. I haven't talked to anyone about this, not even my friends.
But that word was.. so intentional. And I genuinely believe that that was from God.
Bakit nga ba ako natatakot sa mga plano Niya para sa akin?
Why am I so scared? Is it because I'm scared I might not like it? Is it because I'm scared to disappoint?
But then I remembered—God knows me better than I know myself.
Why should I worry?
NATALIA CLAIRE
"I never wanted to hurt you," He broke the silence.
Napalingon ako sa kanya. We've been sitting here for the past half hour. Iyon lang ba ang masasabi niya? Ito ba ang gusto niyang pag-usapan? Does he want to open up old wounds and add salt to them?
"Vale, that was years ago." Umiling ako. "Kung ito rin lang ang pag-uusapan natin, babalik na lang ako sa taas."
"Nat.." His voice broke as I opened the door. It broke my heart. But I do not want to relive the past. Hindi ako bumaba rito para lang mag-throwback.
"Vale, I'm fine." Umiling ako. "Kung ayaw mong pumirma sa kumpanya ni Seven, that's not on me. That shouldn't be depended on me."
I looked at him in the eye but immediately looked away. Ang sakit tignan. Bakit mukha siyang naiiyak? Bakit mukha pa siyang nasasaktan
"May trabaho pa ako, Vale." I told him and closed the door.
I went straight to the elevator and pressed on our floor. Hindi ko namalayang umiiyak na pala ako. Dahil saan?! Ganito pa rin ba ang epekto sa akin ni Vale?
"Ma'am—" Napatigil si Elisa nang makita niya ako. "Okay ka lang ma'am?"
Tumango ako at dumiretso sa loob ng opisina ko. My eyes were immediately fixed on my laptop.
"Ma'am, uhm.." Tumikhim si Elisa. "Yung most viewed video ng magazine sa youtube ma'am.."
"Ano?" I coldly asked.
"Yung video niyo po ni Sir Vance!" She smiled. "Grabe ma'am! Wala lang dalawang oras, almost 1 million views na."
Umiling ako at nagpatuloy na mag-type sa computer ko. I didn't even know what I was typing, I just needed to look busy.
As the days went on, mas rumami pa ang atensyon na binigay ng mga tao sa video na 'yon. I didn't bother to look at what anyone was saying. Alam kong trabaho ko 'yon, but I also have to protect my peace.
"Sige na! Pumunta ka na sa paskuhan!" ani Yve sa kabilang linya.
I scoffed. "No thanks. Vance is not that special, we see him all the time."
"Duh, siyempre trabaho natin yan! Malamang palagi natin nakikita." Yve groaned. "Imeet mo ako sa UST, ha! Meron pa nga ata abg Ben&Ben!"
"Ayoko talag-"
"I'm meeting you there. See you!"
I groaned as she ended the call without my reply. Umiling ako.
As I remembered what happened last week sa sasakyan ni Vale, napa-face palm nalang ako. Ayoko talaga! Atska, mainit pa ang tingin sa akin ng mga fans ni Mara at ni Vale!
Lumingon naman ulit ako sa cellphone ko nang marinig ko ang notification no'n. My forehead creased as I saw Vale's name.
Vale:
Are you busy today?
Tinapon ko yung cellphone ko sa sofa at pumasok sa loob ng CR. I don't know why Yve wants me to come! I'm perfectly okay with being home with a peaceful state of mind.
I bit my lip as I watched the sun go down after I took a bath. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Kinuha ko agad ang susi ko at nilock yung pintuan.
I'm so going to regret this.
It was warm out, but I couldn't risk anyone recognizing me so I wore some sunglasses and a cap. Naka-khaki shorts lang naman ako at cropped t-shirt na puti kaya hindi ako masyadong nainitan.
It looks like I got here just in time, because as I settled in, the crowd started screaming. Tinignan ko si Vale na nasa stage at malaki ang ngiti. He had an acoustic guitar with him and his usual white t-shirt.
"Okay lang ba kayo, UST?" He chuckled. "You guys wanna dance around?"
He started singing some upbeat songs, and covered some familiar songs as well. Hindi ko na masyadong sinabayan ang mga kanta niya, as I was careful not to draw any attention to myself. Mukhang tumatawag na rin si Yve sa akin pero mahirap naman siya hanapin sa ganito ka-raming mga tao.
"Hello?" I answered her call. "Nandito ako sa UST. Aalis na ako."
"Ha?!" Sigaw niya sa kabilang linya. "Nasaan ka ba?"
"Paalis na." I simply answered as I walked out of the crowd. Maraming mga nanunuod kaya halos hindi ako maka-galaw, pero naka-layo na rin naman ako. Yve was still on the other end, determined to find me.
"You guys have been awesome tonight." Vale's voice from the speakers echoed. "For this last song.. could I ask for a favor?"
Hindi ko pinansin ang boses ni Vale. I kept walking further away from the crowd. The sun was already down. Kailangan ko na ring umuwi, mag trabaho pa ako bukas.
"Could you guys put up those flashlights?" Vale spoke. "Maybe.. maybe this song could reach her."
Maraming mga tumitili at sumisigaw ng pangalan ni Vale, but I just kept walking.
"This song's about a girl I met in sunday school," Vale started.
Napatigil ako sa pag-lakad.
Ano?
Sino?
"Well, we technically really met in college, but we knew each other since our Sunday School days." Bahagya siyang tumawa. "This girl's one of a kind."
I refuse to believe that this is about me. This isn't. This can't be.
"I really loved her, but we kept it a secret." He whispered. "For years."
"Awwwwwwww!" the crowd said.
"VANCE AKO DI KITA ISISECRET!"
"WAG KA IYAK BABE!"
"WE LOVE YOU!"
I bit my lip and turned around. He was searching the crowd, but I knew I was too far away for him to even see.
"I broke her heart." He sighed as he slowly plucked on his guitar. "So I'm hoping these lights reach her.. and get her to listen to my apology."
Tumili ulit ang mga tao nang simulan ni Vale ang intro ng kaniyang kanta. I've.. never heard this song. I've heard some of his songs, but not this one. Is this new?
"Nakatingin sa salamin, nakatulala.." he sang. "Mahal kita, pasensya na kung 'di halata."
As he sang and strummed his guitar, it took me back to the last time we fought. It took me back to when we were together, keeping everything in secret.
It made me realize that seeing him and talking to him didn't open up old wounds that were healed. It just showed me that my old wounds are still there, hurting and killing me every single day.
"Mahal, 'di ka gustong saktan," he softly sang. "Pasensya ka na sa mga salitang nabitawan."
Hindi ko namalayang namumuo na pala ang mga luha ko sa mga mata ko nung narinig ko 'yon.
"Di ka nakakapagod." He smiled bitterly. "Hindi ako pagod sa'yo."
I wiped my tears off as I listened to his voice. I believed him. Three years ago, I believed that he was tired. Naniwala akong nakakapagod ako. Naniwala akong hindi ako ka-mahal mahal, na lahat ng taong nasa buhay ko, susuko rin lang sa akin.
Does he really mean this song?
"Ang kwento nating dalawa'y simulan ng muli.." he continued. "Walang laman na pahina nalang nakatitig."
I couldn't help but remember the first time we met. Our story was.. chaotic. We fought like cats and dogs. Mas naiyak tuloy ako.
Kasi kahit na sobrang gulo namin noon, parang mas madali. Parang ang liit ng mga problema namin noon. Now, we're facing the real world.
"Kung pwede lang sabihin ang lahat ng nangyari," Vale sang. "Pero h'wag na lang, hindi ka na akin."
Umiling ako. Ano ba ang gusto niyang sabihin? May hindi ba ako alam? May kailangan ba akong malaman?
I decided to walk away as he sang his chorus. Hindi ko na alam. Naguguluhan ako.
"Ang nakaraan ay babalikan.." he softly sang, as the crowd stood in awe.
"Aayusin ang mga 'di humilom na sugat.. aayusin ang lahat."