Hiraeth
/ˈhɪərʌɪθ/
noun
A Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. A deep and irrational bond felt with a time, era, place or person.
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A slam echoed through the house, the dead silence after it seemed even louder. The young girl hid herself in the corner of her bedroom, her frame shaking with every breath she took. She despised it, she absolutely loathed it. Every time her parents fought it seemed like their insults towards each other was another crack in her heart, she hated it.
The young 5 year old couldn't handle such insincere and petty fights, she simply wanted everyone to get along. Her bright royal blue eyes scanned across the room as she lifted her head from her arms, yet everything was a blur; her eyes in a flurry of tears.
It was always a gamble to see which parent would check on her first, and whichever one did would always comfort her; though not in the way she wanted. What Senshi wanted was reassurance, yet as her father walked in and picked up the girl from her corner and sat down with her on her purple bed, he began to say that it was only because he and her mother loved each other. Along with lies like that, both would always say things such as "She/he can be so arrogant sometimes." and "That woman/man can be so spiteful sometimes." And all Senshi could do was nod along, having no clue what half the things they said meant.
Another thing Senshi came to loathe as she grew older, was the fact that one day her parents could be at each other's throats, the next acting as if nothing ever happened. I mean, people do say forgive and forget, but Senshi hated the fake attitude towards anyone who didn't live in the house. The lie of a happy family who seemed perfect to the public eye, and only Senshi knew the truth; well, her cat too.
Every time her parents fought, Senshi could never stop her tears. It sounded stupid to cry over such things, her not even being involved, but her body would always give into her true emotions; her sobbing at her parents' arguments. Yet, as Senshi grew older, she always sought comfort in the family cat, Tsuki.
The feline would always seem to know when Senshi was feeling blue, and then snuggle up to the girl. Senshi would always relish in the warmth and comfort Tsuki gave her, it being the true reassurance she needed. The grey cat having royal blue eyes much like her own, and grey fur that was always soft.
At age 6 Senshi came about a situation that really made her who she is, the actions occurring shaping her personality like clay. It was a regular Saturday for Senshi, the family of three (plus Tsuki) eating their breakfast, her parents holding a light conversation. The family were due to go out to the local botanical gardens, Senshi rather excited for a family outing for a change.
Yet all went down hill when the family actually got to said botanical gardens, Senshi was always taught to voice her opinions, so she did just that.
"Mommy, that dress you're wearing doesn't look very nice."
It may not have been a very nice comment, but it was true! There were too many flowers with all sorts of colours on them that simply didn't go well together, Senshi's mother looked at her daughter with a shocked look. Her precious daughter had never said anything like that before, her father too looking rather shocked at her daughter's words.
"Well what do you think?" Senshi's mother asked her father. Ah of course she has to ask his opinion before scolding her. Senshi's father didn't know what to say, he could lie and say the dress was beautiful, or he could tell the truth and say that maybe the dress isn't exactly the prettiest.
Senshi's mother took the silence as an answer, said answer being an agreement to her daughter. The two immediately got into a spat, claiming things like "I didn't even say anything! Besides at least Senshi was honest." and "You need to compliment me even if I'm ugly!".
Senshi most likely got the wrong message from this, but what she learnt that day was something brutal. Having an opinion is great, but voicing it is awful. Never voice it.
Senshi was very quiet from that day onwards, more than usual.
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A whole different topic about Senshi, was her soulmate tattoo; and everything else that came with having a soulmate.
It was known very commonly that every child at birth will be assigned a soulmate, the first words said to them by their soulmate being etched upon their skin. Along with this, a person will feel any extreme emotion of their soulmate. An example of this would be Senshi's parents. If one of them was very angry, the other would be too.
Yet what was more of a curse than that, was Senshi's soulmate mark. The words on her skin weren't exactly the nicest, though it depends on how a person interprets it.
"Get out of my way Shields"
That's what was written on her shoulder in a cursive font, from what she could assume of the tone, it wasn't exactly a compliment. And one think that always shook her to the core with with was as follows, what if her love was that of her parents? She didn't want that, she wanted to be happy, like all the princes and princesses in fairy-tails.
Shields. What a nick-name.
It made perfect sense however, yet the reason why will be revealed with time.
From Senshi's life so far, she could gather that her soulmate was a rather angry person, her feeling irrationally angry sometimes. Yet one thing that surprised her, was the occasional sad feelings she got. It wasn't sadness, it was betrayal and not understanding something, confusion. Yet there were tears involved, most likely frustration.
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It was easier to say it as it was, Senshi had no friends.
The reason? Well, what started out as not having an opinion turned into barely saying anything at all. Because no matter how hard you try, your opinion will be embedded in everything. As well as this, the constant fear and anxiety of people just beginning to shout was crippling. Her elementary school classmates always giving her weird looks for being the quiet kid; especially after seeing the girl's soulmate mark.
It sounded stupid, but Senshi's teachers were her best friends. Senshi often helping out teachers at lunch time, and became an angel in the teachers' eyes. Yet even to them Senshi's shyness was evident, some would even say it was social anxiety.
Of course it was brought up at a parent-teacher meeting, and naturally an argument over Senshi's shyness began once the family returned home; Senshi once again seeking comfort in Tsuki.
To combat this, her mother decided enrolling Senshi in some form of sports would help. It did not help. Don't get me wrong, Senshi enjoyed the figure skating, but the socialising, not so much. Senshi simply turned up for her figure skating sessions, proceeded not to talk and get on with whatever she had to, and go home.
School was exactly the same.
What was the point of talking to people if they already had an opinion of you? It's not like you want to know, and they'll only judge you further if you actually talk to them.
And that's how life was, and how it would continue.
Though despite her non-social attitude, her figure skating career was rather successful, Senshi catching up rather quickly to those in her class. She went to many tournaments, winning in some and not in others. It's easy to say that figure skating quickly because her escape from her negative thoughts, her body gracefully flowing across the ice like it was natural, while her mind was elsewhere, thinking about things she loved. The classical music playing the background while Senshi was jumping and spinning at the point she thought fit, all while sustaining her elegance.
Another hobby of Senshi's was piano, and once again she truly did love it. It was her second escape in life, the tunes each key could produce put together to make a beautiful song was mesmerising to her. Her family did invest in a piano, and she would often play it when she wasn't at school or figure skating. Due to this she became rather good at the instrument, playing songs she would hear on the piano.
Whenever Senshi wasn't doing a hobby, and her parents' fighting was to extreme to simply play the piano in the back ground, she usually went to one of two places. The first was a forest nearby. It had a creek in which the water was as blue as the sky, and the trees seemingly a mile high. Senshi would sit on a rock, or on a branch from a tree, and hum new or old tunes to herself; it was a tranquil feeling. The second play she could go was her Nana's house, she loved that woman, she was so sweet. It was her father's mother, and seeing as she was the closest relative to Senshi, she would go there for hours upon hours when she was young; never admitting that she wanted a break from the fighting. During the time Senshi was at her Nana's house, she learnt to cook and sew, basic skills that one might need to know.
Which led to the current time, where Senshi was sat at the dinner table, working up the courage to say something through the tense atmosphere. Senshi was 14 now, having to choose her career path. Through hours of thinking and contemplating, she had decided on her future.
She wanted to be a hero.
Her jet black hair lay straight against her back, her royal blue eyes seemed elsewhere than at the dining table. Her right hand clutching her chopsticks with an unnecessarily hard grip. She took in a deep breath, and then the words began to flow out of her mouth.
"Mom, Dad, can I say something?" Her voice wasn't confident like she had planned in her head, but it will do.
"Of course sweetie." Her mom said sweetly, her dad nodding along.
"So, you know how I have to pick my career options soon, and I've chosen." Senshi said quietly, her parents looking at her expectantly. "So, um, I wanna be a hero" If possible her voice got quieter.
Senshi tried to imagine every possible reaction her parents could've had, preparing to respond to them all. Yet the reaction her parents gave, was very..... underwhelming.
"Okay honey, you can do whatever you want. As long as you're happy." Her father responded, on the contrary, her mother didn't look so accepting.
"I thought you liked figure skating, what about that? Hero-ing is very dangerous you know."
"I do like figure skating mom, and I do know that being a hero is dangerous. I just love the thought of saving people better." This was the first time in a while Senshi had disagreed in some form with her mother, because most times, it didn't end so well.
"Okay, whatever you say." Senshi's mom muttered with slight annoyance lacing her tone. Her father sent a look at his wife, as if to say "Calm down, it's fine." yet to tension was only worsened.
At least there wasn't a fight, right?
Wrong.
At eleven pm at night, the shouting began. Senshi hated the night fights, it simply disrupting her sleep and therefore preventing her from getting anymore until the next night. It was taught to kids that it's rude to eves drop, but how can she not seeing as her parents are screaming at the top of their lungs at each other.
The insults and petty name calling weren't all that bad, but it was the threats that made her breath catch in her throat every time. The threats of divorce, and police, Senshi didn't want to hear it. And at this point, she felt bad for her soulmate, them having to experience her dismal state almost every day.
And within minutes, her eyes were in a flurry of tears and her breaths catching in her throat whenever she tried to breathe, her frame shaking with the action. The slight burning of sadness at the back of her throat, and her hot tears being soaked up by her bedsheets.
Another reason she hated these night fights was that Tsuki often wasn't with her, being downstairs. Unfortunately cats can't really open doors, so there was always a zero chance of Senshi's little life line being able to cheer her up from her sorrows.
After 15 minutes the fighting stopped, though Senshi didn't miss the sound of her parents' bedroom door slamming and someone walking down the hall with a suitcase, the wheels spinning on the tiled floor.
Senshi only cried harder knowing that one of her parents wouldn't be in her home, most likely going to a hotel nearby. It was a guttural sadness, one that only occurred if something extremely bad happened. Like that one time a glass was smashed, and next thing Senshi remembers was running up stairs, her feet padding on the floor being the only sound in the whole house.
Yet this time, something happened to her, something that had never happened before. Her shoulder began to burn, more precisely where her soulmate mark was. Yet it wasn't a painful burn, more like a comforting warmth.
And her sadness was snuffed out like a flame in a candle. Yes, she still felt slightly down, but she was provided comfort from whoever her soulmate was, their emotion of relaxation seeming to calm her down. She lightly chuckled to herself thinking that maybe her soulmate was tired of her melancholy state, yet the action was sweet. Not knowing someone, yet still helping them was a simple act of kindness she could respect.
And until their meeting, that's how it would continue.