Towards the end of eighth grade, i had been struggling to past math, and my teachers had placed me into another extra math class.
I was always pretty good at Reading and English when it came to school education, my English and Reading teachers always said, i showed talent in those classes.
And in the eighth grade, my Language Arts teacher had called on me in class numerous times, cause i was never the one to raise my hand, even if i knew the answer to a question.
He said, he wanted to place me in honors class, cause i was making his work look so easy.
My mom had always told me, i would run around carrying a pen and paper when i was really young.
I knew how to write my full name at only four years old, and i even started to read when i was just three.
But it was always math that made me struggle in school, i use to dread coming home with math homework, cause my dad and i would sit down for hours, trying to go over it.
Sometimes i would even start crying, cause i didn't have a clue what anything meant.
I began to fail my math exams in school and even began to fall behind because of it.
But once i got that extra credit score from my extra math class, i had enough credit to go into the ninth grade and accompany my sister in high school.
I remember receiving my report card at the end of the year, looking at all my grades as i passed each class with flying colors.
I was so proud of myself, even though where i live, the curve did help quite a lot, but it didn't matter to me, i tried my hardest and that's what counted.
Didn't make any friends in the eighth grade, mainly just focused on getting the heck out of there and going to high school.
Annie was always there with me, helping me through it, and i was grateful for it.
It rained so much on the last day of school, that once all of us piled onto the bus, you heard sneakers scrapping against the floor, and rain dripping from our clothes and onto the seats.
I literally had to run all the way back to my house, with it pouring rain and soaking my clothes to where they were drenched.
Once i got inside, i realized i was home alone, i connected my phone to the blue tooth speakers we had and played my favorite celebration song, to get in the end of the school year spirit.
I always thought about going into high school, how there were gonna be so many more students walking the campus, and how the place was gonna so much bigger.
The way they showed you what high school was like in the teenage movies growing up, made me so nervous, but excited at the same time.
But obviously that was all dramatization and exaggeration, once i actually got to high school, i instantly realized that.
My sister had told me all about her experience at the school, the people she met, the friends she made, the classes i should pick, and the teachers i should stay away from.
She even met someone special to her, his name was Ford.
He was a pretty chilled back guy, didn't have much hair, sort of like a buzz cut, would wear clothes that seemed as though he was trying to bring the word swagger back to our vocabulary.
His caramel, slightly dark, skin tone complexion, complimented his dark brown eyes, as he tried to look older than his age with his on growing facial hair.
Though he probably looked intimidating to most, he was an absolute nervous wreck around Faith and a complete sweetheart once you got to know him.
Faith actually asked me to come with her on her first date with him, she had said if i didn't dad probably would't let her go, plus he was bringing a friend as well, so it sort of seemed like a double blind date.
Once we got to the theater, our dad sort of caught on with what was happening, shook hands with Ford and then met his friend who was running a bit late.
Faith introduced me to him, and that's when i noticed his black and read headphones around his neck, he was the guy that didn't have to seem, to try too hard to play cool.
Once dad left and we made it in to watch the movie, Faith and i couldn't stop talking and laughing.
She eventually apologized to Ford during their "date" and tried to pay more attention to him and the movie.
I had worn a gold and beige furry like sweater vest that day, that hugged my waist, and some boot cut jeans, my shoes had a gold chain on them, as they looked like white sneakers with laces, but an easy zip up if you got lazy.
It wasn't until Faith and i were half way into the date, that her and i had smelled something musty.
i had forgot to put on deodorant.
"Are you serious right now?" Faith asked me, laughing and telling me to keep my arms closed.
"Let's hope he doesn't smell it" i said, as Annie laughed along with us.
It was funny, but a bit embarrassing.
Ford and Faith than started to hold hands towards the end of the movie, and it was lovely that i was there, in the front row seat next to them, to witness that.
Faith was growing up, having boys being interested in her, without even trying.
I was happy for her, but was always a bit jealous, the way no one did that for me.
Drew had even said to Faith, when she was always talking to him for me, asking him to ask me out, that he wouldn't of minded if she was the one who had a crush on him.
Once she asked him why, it was because she had a bigger butt than me, more curves than me, and her breasts were developing faster than mine, since she was older than me.
Plus she had the guts to open her mouth and allow words to come out when she was around him.
Everyone even thought Faith did have a crush on Drew, because of the way they acted around each other.
But of course Faith cleared the rumors and said she was only talking to him, for me.
Faith never had a problem when it came to being likeable, having a bunch of friends, or even making boys drool after her.
She always took pride in her appearance, didn't wear too much make up, and knew what clothes complimented her body.
It hurt me that my own crush, the guy that i liked for such a long time during sixth and seventh grade, liked my sister more than me.
Like i said though, i'm never the one.
Something i have to continue to get use too.
After Ford and Faith's date, they went on more on there own, after that and then eventually made it official that they were in a relationship.
Faith would always come home every night and keep me in the loop, with what they would talk about on there dates, and what they would do.
I remember my mom, telling her she wasn't allowed to kiss him for such a long time, until Faith was practically begging just to do so.
When my parents called Ford over, to introduce themselves and to have a talk, they made it very clear on the rules with Faith.
There was no having sex, especially not before marriage.
Once the entire relationship started affecting there education, they were to break it off.
And the minute he did anything in his power to hurt my sister, we were through with him.
"Are you gonna give me that talk too?" He said to me on snapchat one night, as my sister kept forcing me to create some sort of friendship with him.
"The whole, don't hurt my sister or i'll kill you speech?" i texted back,
"Sounds like you already know it" i texted as well, and then turned my phone off.
Yeah Ford was cool and all, i guess, if you wanna put it that way.
But i always had a bad feeling about him, like my gut was letting me know, he was just gonna bring negativity and toxicity to this family.
I never knew why i felt that way, or what was triggering me to feel that way.
Maybe it was just my jealousy talking, or maybe my heart was actually trying to warn me.
What happened to Keke, you were probably wondering?
After the rumors of her and Drew's argument at the Halloween dance, during the sixth grade, Drew had twisted the story around, saying she was the one that cheated on him and he had found out about it.
Everybody believed it, cause the only witnesses were Sara and i, but Sara knew the minute we spoke up and started spreading the truth, no one was gonna believe us anyway.
They would assume i was making it up, cause i was jealous of KeKe being in a relationship with Drew, and it would seem like i was trying to sabotage it.
Which wasn't the case at all, but people love to gossip.
All the hate started getting to KeKe, as his friends began to turn on her, because of there popularity becoming destroyed and there reputation being damaged.
Keke seemed furious that they were choosing those two worthless things, over the friendship they had with her.
She probably realized she truly had no friends here, no one who cared about her.
And though i was still her friend, or i thought i was, Annie told me i wasn't, said she was just trying to be nice and didn't wanna come off as some stuck up girl, who already has too many friends.
So Keke switched schools, and i never saw her again.
There was this one time though, where i found her on Ask.com or something, and i messaged her saying we use to be friends during middle school and hopefully we could still keep in touch.
But she only replied with a bland "K".
Someone even asked her, who messaged you from Twality that you didn't wanna talk too.
And she replied with my name first and few others.
It hurt my heart that someone couldn't even tell me to my face, they didn't wanna be friends with me, cause then why did i even waste my time?
Faith had found out about how sad i was, when Drew said he liked her instead of me, and wanted him to have payback.
So she made a fake Kik account of Keke, found old selfies of her's from her Instagram and pretended to be her as she messaged Drew.
He literally fell for it and Faith and Drew had a long and juicy conversation.
Couldn't really remember what about, but Faith told me she was gonna confront him at school the next day, saying he was really texting her all night.
"Have fun talking with KeKe last night?" Faith said, as her and i passed Drew and his friends in the hallway.
"She was Keke?" Drew seemed to whisper to one of his friends, as a horrified expression came over his face.
Faith, Annie, Brea and I couldn't help but laugh hysterically, as we walked down the hall.
But even moving to Florida and leaving Drew behind me, with all the pain Oregon brought me, the feeling of being rejected never went away.
I had gotten a hold of his number, found it somehow through a friend of mine, and he told me he was moving to a different part of Oregon, and he was no longer attending that same school in the eighth grade.
I was a little disappointed i was never gonna see him again, but i felt like this was the best, for him and for me as well, since around that time, i was beginning to move to Florida.
He told me, that was the last time we were even gonna speak to each other, so since he was leaving and i still had a ton of questions, he said he only had time for at least ten.
i can't really remember all the ten questions i asked, but the ones that stuck to me were only three.
"Did you like me before you knew i liked you? On a scale of one to ten how beautiful would you rate me? and was it because i never spoke to you, was that one of the reasons, why you didn't like me?" i texted, waiting for him to reply.
He did a few minutes later saying: "When we were somewhat friends in the beginning, i guess yeah i did sort of like you, kind of. On a scale of one to ten i would rate you a three, but your sister would be a six. And no, it had nothing to do with you not speaking to me, it's just- you weren't really my type, and that's all there is too it" He texted back, making my heart break.
All my life i felt like i was just a big fat duff to my sister, and if you're not familiar with that slang it stands for designated, ugly, fat, friend.
But in this case, i wasn't fat and i wasn't just my sister's friend.
Yet somehow that saying, still resonated with me.
And yeah Faith seemed perfect with her straight teeth, stellar clothes, incredible curves, and explosive butt.
But her, just like everyone else, had insecurities as well.
All her friends in school would turn on her, stab her in the back, when she thought they had it, and spread lies about her cause they were jealous.
she lost so many friends along the way, cause everyone kept comparing there lives to hers and feeding off of envy because it.
But our life wasn't even perfect, no one's is, no how matter how great it seems from your perspective or on the internet.
Her and Ford would even get in to several fights, break up a plethora of times, and he would lose his temper, going crazy behind the wheel, as Faith was in the passenger seat, throwing her down on the ground telling her to shut up and listen, calling the cops on her, claiming she went LOCO all because she slapped him and threatened him to leave.
But it wasn't like it was all her fault, even though sometimes she would tell me, it felt like it was.
In high school, there is always drama, gossip, parties, and people ditching classes cause they think they're cool or something.
I actually ditched class once, it wasn't in high school though, it was actually in middle school when i use to hang out with Lani and Brad.
I had met another Drew in my class, who acknowledged my existence, unlike my crush Drew and he told us, he was skipping choir class.
He filled us in on the perks of skipping class and said that some students would walk around the track field outside and just wait till the bell ran for the next class.
But once we tried doing that, a teacher told us and some other kids skipping, to go to class, they probably did, but we didn't.
We walked around the school and then hid every time a teacher was in sight, Drew then mentioned for us to just walk into the entrance of school and walk down the halls, but once we did that, we got caught again.
"Aren't you all suppose to be in class" a teacher said, watching us coming through the school entrance, as we froze in our tracks.
"Actually our teacher told us to head to the office, i have this slip right here that says i'm allowed to be walking around. My teacher even told me to take these guys with me, cause i would need help moving the thing he told to us get" Drew said, hoping the teacher would buy the story he was selling her.
She eyed his slip from afar in his hand, that he had just taken out of his pocket, and then pointed for us to head down the hallway.
Once we did, and the teacher was out of sight, we ran down another hall.
"Oh my gosh, that was so close!" Lani said, grabbing my hand, as we headed down another hall.
"Get to class" the same teacher said, as she was the one who told us to get off the track field.
"Right on it" Drew said, as we walked past her.
"What do we do now? if we keep walking the halls, and seeing the same teachers, they're gonna catch on to us" Brad said, as we stopped in the hall, to come up with a plan.
"We could hide in the bathrooms..." Lani said, as she looked over at the public restrooms.
"Ew" Drew said, before a student left a class room and sat down in the hallway to work on an assignment.
We all looked at each other and nodded.
We spread out down another hallway, and sat down, pretending to do work, as if we were also kicked out of class.
Teachers would walk by and completely buy it, as well as students.
"The bell rings in 5 mins" Drew said, as we grabbed our stuff and headed for our next class.
Lani, Brad and i, walked upstairs to head to social studies, which was our next and last period of the day.
Drew went down another hallway, saying he had to get to science.
On our way down to social studies, the same teacher from the track field saw us once again, as we scurried to our lockers pretending to open them, hoping she wouldn't notice, but she did.
"Did you guys, ever go to class?" she asked, as she walked past us in the hall.
"Yeah, we just had to get something out of our locker" Lani said, lying her butt off.
The teacher shook her head and walked into her class room.
Then the bell rang, as students flooded the hallways and we were no longer breaking the rules.
Lani, Brad, and i, ran into social studies and grabbed our seats first, as the rest of our class mates began to pile in, finding there seats as well.
"Why weren't you guys in choir class?" a student asked us, sitting down at our group table.
"They totally ditched" someone else said, sitting down as well.
"Yeah, and we're never doing that again" Brad said, thanking god we didn't REALLY get caught.
Lani and i took a deep breath and then laughed feeling so relieved.
And that was the last time, i had ever ditched a class in my life, didn't ever do it again.
My mom was furious when she found out, telling me never again, so yeah that happened.
I don't think my sister ever skipped though, she was too much of a goody goody.
I thought, the only way to truly have the epic high school experience, was too go too my first ever high school party.
So that's what i was gonna do.
Faith had told me, she and Ford were gonna go to this party, a girl was throwing on Friday night, and a few days later, i was gonna be meeting Sabrina again, at another tour she was going on.
All felt like it was going well in the world, well at least for me.
Which i was entirely, grateful for.
My sister had gone through my closet a dozen times, trying to come up with outfits i was gonna wear, but that was it, my style apparently sucked.
"It doesn't suck! it just needs work" she said, almost as if she heard my thoughts.
"You're gonna wear something from my closet, cause i can't have you coming to a party with us, and looking a complete mess" Faith said, grabbing my hand and leading me to her closet instead.
Where she picked out a buttoned up, long sleeved, black and red stripped dress, that revealed a little cleavage, of course, now being in high school, i had to be more confident.
She then had me put on some leggings, underneath and helped me tie up my hair into a high ponytail, told me to wear mascara and some lipstick too.
I had worn the outfit to school on Friday, so i didn't have too change that following night.
Once the school day was over, the evening started rolling around and Ford picked us up in his car, he'd been renting for the weekend.
We drove down to one of the most prestigious neighborhoods i had ever seen, mansions everywhere you looked, beautiful palm trees circling the place, and many cars in front and behind us, were heading to the party.
"It says we need a code..." Ford says, as he was taking out his phone, behind the wheel of the car.
Once we somehow made it through, the party was happening in the backyard of the house.
Everyone was holding their own beer or other beverages, while they used the gate to the back yard, as the entrance to the party.
Apparently the inside of the house, was off limits.
The girl who was hosting this party, was only renting the house to throw a party at, it wasn't actually her place.
Faith, Ford and i, parked the car somewhere down the street and left into the backyard, joining the party that was happening without us.
Marijuana filled the atmosphere, as teenagers sat near the deck, that gave off a view to the lake in the yard.
Some girls, sat near the pool that no one dared to jump in, because the entire thing was dirty.
The rest of the party animals, were on the porch of the backyard, dancing around to the blaring music, that i had never heard before.
We then caught up with Ford's friends, as they greeted us and handed me a drink, ushering us to come dance with the rest of the kids.
"It's a party! let loose! have fun!" one of Ford's friends said, as she chucked back her drink and slurped up what remained.
I didn't really love the atmosphere, that i had put myself in, teen drinking and second hand smoking, as Faith was off dancing with a bunch of strangers and her friends.
The back yard wasn't even big, it was quite small, with so many teens enjoying themselves.
I didn't recognize anyone from our school, except for Ford's friends, and i wasn't about to make any new ones.
Annie didn't wanna come, she said that kind of environment just wasn't her scene, but if i needed her, to just call her.
Faith finally pulled me over to her and her friends, as we danced a bit to some of the music.
But then after a little while, she went off and did her own thing with her boyfriend and his friends, and i just stood by myself, on the steps, leading up to the porch, that was bombarded with teens dancing sexually and making a hole in the middle of the crowd, as people were recording and singing along to the songs, at the top of there lungs.
I just sipped my sprite and minded my own business, wasn't really enjoying myself.
But i just assumed, it was because i wasn't allowing myself to get loose.
"Hey" a boy said, walking over to me, on the steps.
"Hi" i said, slightly yelling, cause the music was loud.
"You got a boyfriend?" he asked, as i noticed him, holding an unopened beer in his hand.
"No?" i ask, which sort of came out like a joke, as if i did, but i didn't wanna admit it.
But that was only because i was nervous, a boy was hitting on me?!
What?! this has never happened in my entire life, it was pretty dark, which means he probably couldn't see me.
I could kind of make out his ethnicity, he seemed as though he was Latino or Mexican of some sort.
Kind of pale skin, but his face gave off as something other than white.
Couldn't really see what he was wearing, but i knew it was probably just a simple shirt and jeans.
He looked at me kind of funny, and then said: "why did you say it like that?".
i was a bit embarrassed after that and just walked off with my sprite, down the steps of the porch, finding my sister to tell her what just happened.
"OH MY GOSH WHAT! YOU GUYS! FAYE JUST GOT HIT ON!" she said, patting Ford on the shoulder, as she forwards the news to him.
Then someone screamed: "THE COPS ARE COMING" and with that, chaos erupted.
Everyone, were throwing there alcoholic beverages to the grown, putting out there cigarettes and bongs they were smoking, as well as, turning off the music and running out of the back yard scurrying to get there vehicles.
"The party will resume at this address, someone down this street, just phoned the police because of all the noise, once they get here, we will be shut down! go to this address!" the host of the party said, yelling, as everyone was going ballistic and running for there lives.
Once we made it out of the backyard and out into the street, cars were flying down the rode past us, with people hanging out the windows and screaming and hollering.
Teens were darting down the streets, trying to find there cars, as others were climbing on top of the cars and yelling F THE POLICE.
"Can i ride with you guys, our ride just took off without us" one of Ford's friends said as a two other people tag along in the car with us.
"Hurry up!" Ford says, stepping on the gas and speeding down the street.
There was so much going on, it seemed too dramatic to be real.
Teens were throwing beer bottles on the street and speeding down the road in front of us, as girls were riding out the sun roof, holding there drinks and hollering for fun.
As if they knew the police were coming, but they didn't care.
We pulled over to a WaWa, nearby and bought us some snacks and drinks, before heading to the next party.
i had gotten a sprite, yes i love sprite, with cool ranch Doritos.
All of us then, talked about how crazy this night was in the car, and some of Ford's friends were looking on some of the people's snapchats at the party, seeing them going insane, out fear.
Once we cooled off, we headed over to the new address, where the party was gonna resume.
But as we got there, cars were flooding the street, teens were crowded up and huddled in front of a house nearby, like they were waiting for the party to start.
"What's going on?" Faith said, as we got out the car and walked over to someone, who hopefully knew what was delaying the party.
"I don't know, the girl told us to come here, but there's nobody here. We think someone's inside but when we knocked on the door, they didn't answer. So were all just kind of waiting around" the guy said, checking the time on his phone.
It was around eleven pm at night, and over 50 teens were just standing on this random house's lawn, waiting for a party to resume.
"Where's the host?" i asked, as Ford and Faith asked around.
"She's not even here yet" Ford said, trying to text her.
Soon some of us got bored, and there was a tree nearby, so someone had the idea to swing on it.
But then they hype around that died down, once someone fell off and hurt themself, making everyone flinch and back up from fear.
Then the host finally showed up and everyone clapped and cheered as she knocked on the door to the house.
"Marni what the heck?!" the guy said, opening the door in his underwear, rubbing his eyes, cause he just woke up.
"Didn't you get my text? i said the party was gonna continue here." she said, shoving her phone his face, as the rest of us, crowded behind her.
"It's eleven o clock at night! just because you got busted at your rental home, doesn't mean fall back on me and host the rest of it here. I'm already getting complaints! my mom would kill me if she found out about this" the guy said, looking over at all of us as we waited.
Marni rolled her eyes and turned to us, "alright party's over ladies and gentlemen! go home before the cops show up here. They probably followed us here, cause people are starting to complain."
Everyone groaned and mumbled cuss words, as we walked back to our cars, heading home.
That was pretty much the end of my epic high school party experience, it was definitely a whirl wind of craziness, but in the end, i had a lot of freaking fun.
So i would remember forever, then that following Tuesday, my family and i drove two hours to go see Sabrina at her thumbs radio station tour, where i skipped school, and got to give her gift, that i spent my Christmas money on, as well as a few heartfelt hugs.
I even got to hear her sing acoustic this time, her and i would lock eyes here and there as i was one of the only ones singing quietly along with her.
"Oh my gosh that says my name! thank you so much!" Sabrina said to me, as she stared at the diamond bracelet i got her, that had her last name Carpenter, engraved on it.
She pulled me into a hug, filling me up with so much comfort and bliss.
I had been nervous to buy her a gift, cause i didn't know if she had already has a bracelet like this, or if she was even gonna like it.
But she did, and i'm so happy about it.
"My mom's gonna love it too, thank you so much, you're so sweet!" she said to me, as she placed the bracelet back in the gift bag and gave it too her body guard to keep safe.
Going into 2017, i wanted to continue healing from all the pain i had went through, these last few years, and i was so ready to leave that all behind me and just let go.
But the only way i could truly do that, mentally, was to forgive myself.
And once i did that, i could forgive him.