⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️
This chapter does contain topics of rape, substance abuse, and domestic violence.
Please if you are are sensitive to these topics please skip this chapter I'll make it make sense for you later!
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Jo'nae Marie Andrews, NJ 📍
No one understands my story. Shit I barely understand it. I was only 5. A five year old wouldn't know what to do. It's not like I had a huge support system. My mother was strung on drugs and my father only gave a fuck about himself. He would always be quick to hand me off to anyone else. Until he allowed me to be with the wrong person. I've kept this secret for years. I've never told Jay, Demarcus, or Ashanti. But I feel that I need to. It would give them answers to slot of my actions.
But how do I start? I don't even know where to start.
I got out my bed and went to get my notepad and pencil. I grabbed them and sat back on my bed in cross cross apple cause. Like in kindergarten.
Hey guys. I began to write.
More than likely If you're finding this I'm no longer with you.
I know this is so sudden. And Unexpected. But a person can only take but so much until they break.
And I'm at that point.
I've never told you guys about the real me. I try to pretend to be what I'm not to please you guys.
Jay I'm proud of you. You've came a long way since grade school. You've always been there for me. Even though I can be pretty stupid at times.
Demarcus. I've always liked you. You were my first love. It's always the first loves that hurt more than anything. You were good to me. All the fights and arguments were my fault and I'm sorry.
Ashanti, I love you. Demarcus is my first love but you are and will forever be my soul mate. We connected so tightly and being around you was a different type of unmatched energy I've never felt with anyone else. This one is going to hurt to. But don't cry. Please don't cry. I don't want to see you cry.
I want the three of you to be happy. I'm not scared. I'm not scared of dying. It's more scary for you guys than it will be for me. I've always been absent. My body has been here but my mind and soul hasn't.
Ashanti, I hope you tell the baby about me. I would've loved seeing him or her grow up.
But it's time you guys learned my story.
When I was just 5 years old my parents weren't real parents to me. They would use me for money. The government would give more money to those who had kids. They never provided for me. They did the literal bare minimum.
One day my uncle came and picked me up from my house. He promised to take care of me. And I trusted him. Biggest mistake. Cause the same person I put my trust in is the same person that snatched my innocence from me. But he took more.
Over the years he took my confidence, my self esteem, and my pride. I was completely distraught by the age of 8.
Jay you remember that long ass week I took off of school. When I went on "vacation". I wish it was vacation. I spent that week in the bathroom of my uncles house trying to stop myself from bleeding. I didn't exactly know where it was coming from at the time. But once I realized I cried.
I would look at myself in the mirror and think how could it have gotten tho bad. I had cuts on my arms from failed attempts of suicide. I had bruises on my legs from beatings. I was a wreck. On top of that he would always tell me that I am so ugly. That I wouldn't be anything. Once you get told that enough you start to believe it. Especially at the age I was at.
I remember by father pulling up and coming inside to get me. When I looked up at him with pain in my eyes he asked me to fix my face.
I went to his car and told him everything that happened. And you know what he told me. He asked me what did I do to make him do that to me. And that's when I lost it.
I started slitting my wrist at the age of 8. Only 8 years old! What does an 8 year old know about that stuff?
Tears fell down my face and onto the pad as I wrote.
My father was the only man that I depended on and he dropped me. So I grew up went to middle school.
2 suicide attempts. Wrecked relationships.
I caught myself in the wrong crowd of people. I started to smoke. I started to take pills. Jay you remember. Cause it was your brother that supplied me. And when you found out you tried to kill him. Remember?
Remember that year I stayed at your house on your couch. Remember finding me on the floor in the bathroom passed out. Do you remember when ya mom took me to the hospital and they tried putting me in a mental hospital.
Remember when we graduated and grew from the past and I made you a promise. Well it's becoming so hard to break.
I took the pad and ripped out the pieces of paper and put them in my drawer. I left my room and walked out into the living room.
I looked up at the family photo that hung on the wall over the couch. Anger started to build up in my body and I grabbed the picture of the wall and threw on on the ground.
I started to kick things over and rip up papers tearing the magazines. I didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted the pain to go away. I just wanted to feel normal. Then I thought about the pills. I ran to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.
I started to look through it for pills when I heard the front door open and shut. I quickly pulled everything out the cabinet while some bottles fell on the floor. I struggled trying to get the cap off a bottle. I finally got it off and I heard fast footsteps coming towards the bathroom. I quickly dumped some in my hand and tossed them in my mouth before the door swung open.
"Jo'nae! Stop give the bottle." Demarcus said grabbing it from me.
We fought over the bottle as I cried.
"Please just let me go!" I said trying to grab it from him.
"Jo'nae give me the bottle! You don't need it." He finally got the bottle free from my hands. He pulled me in for a tight hug. I buried my face in his arms.
I felt weak. Defeated. I didn't know what to do. I just didn't want to live anymore.
"Ma." He said his voice started cracking. "I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'll do better. I promise. Please." He couldn't speak anymore. He just held me.
I had stopped crying and was just staring off into space. He picked me up bridal style and took me back to my room. He laid me down and laid next to me.
We didn't talk we just laid there. We couldn't talk. There was so much emotion in the air. He pulled me close to him and he held me tight. I didn't feel anything.
I was numb. All I could feel was my eye lids getting heavy before I drifted off to sleep.
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Demarcus Wayne, NJ 📍
I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to say.
I looked down at Jo'nae fast asleep right next to me. I gently slide off the bed trying not to wake her up. I left the room and went to the kitchen.
I took some water out the fridge and sat at the table.
I really could've lost her. I had a feeling. Something kept telling me to come home. I could've lost the woman that means that most to me.
I felt a burning sensation in my eyes. I felt a tear drop on my cheek. After that one came they all came right along with it.
I wiped my face and drank some water out my bottle. Just then the door opened.
"What the fuck" I heard Ashanti say. I heard footsteps carefully walking through living room and into the kitchen.
"Ayo De wtf happened?" Jay said to me.
"Jo'nae." I looked at him with tears in my eyes. His face turned soft and Ashanti looked worried.
"What about her?" She began to say. "What the fuck happened to my bestfriend??" She moved towards my room and pushed open the door.
"She in here room." I told her getting up from the table. Ashanti went into Jonaes room while Jay stayed with me in the kitchen.
"What happened?" He asked me.
I didn't even want to speak. I felt pussy for crying in front of people. Mainly Jay. He's been my mans forever. He's seen me go through the toughest shit and a never drop a tear. He was there when I hit my first lick and caught my first body. I did that with no remorse. But now I'm in the kitchen crying with his arm around me.
"Take ya time. Get yourself together I'm not rushing you." He said to me. "Imma check on the girls we'll talk when I get back." I nodded and he walked off.
I don't know why I'm crying the way I am. But seeing Jo'nae clutching a pill bottle with pain in her eyes and tears running down her face fucked me up. It hit my heart harder then ever. I love that girl. She held me so tight like she was scared I was going to leave.
I wiped my face just as Jay walked in and we sat at the table.
"What happened?" He said looking at me. My face was red, eyes was puffy, and my nose was stuffy.
"If I had came into this house and later than what I have. We would've lost her."
"What do you mean?"
"Jo'nae tried to pop a bunch of pills Jay."
As soon as I said that his face got mad again. But not the type of mad I'm used to the mad that someone is going to have to die about.
"I noticed the mess in the living room when I first walked in and I heard a noise in the bathroom. When I got there I opened the door and she was struggling trying to open the bottle. She was going to overdose Jay. Ma girl was going to kill her self." I started off into space when I said that. I felt a tear drop but I quickly wiped it away.
Jay softened up again.
"We gon take care of her De. You know we will. You not gon lose that girl. Ya love for each other is way to strong for that." He put his hand on my shoulder and got up from the table. I followed him and we walked to Jo'naes room. She was up talking to Ashanti.
She looked over at me and stuck out her hand and I took it. She guided me onto the bed and cuddled me. Ashanti and Jay got up and waved at us before they left and closed the door.
"I'm sorry." She said under her breath.
"You should be the last one apologizing bae." I said stroking her hair. "I'm the one that's supposed to say that. And I will." I pulled her up to look in her eyes.
"I'm sorry bae. You deserve the world and I want to give you that. I'm sorry for making you feel insecure, and I'm sorry I wasn't noticing the signs. Please talk to me whenever you aren't feeling good okay. Never turn to suicide. I need you here with me." When I said that she started to cry. I wiped the tear off her cheek with my thumb as I held her face.
"I love you Jo'nae." My heart started racing when she smiled.
"I love you too nigga." I laughed and kissed her lips. I laid her back on my stomach. I flipped through Netflix while I rubbed her back and she feel asleep.
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