"What?", he asked as I jumped off the bed in shock and pulled my night robe around me, "Have I done something wrong?"
I continued to ignore him and shook my head frivolously.
He did not just say that. This cannot be happening.
"Eleanor will you at least say something?", he asked as he sat on the edge of my bed watching me pace around the room.
"It's just-", I ran my hands through my hair and scoffed, "It's just...a lot to take in right now."
He got up and walked over to me, "Listen it was all in the heat of the moment and I just- it just happened. I'm sorry as I know it's too soon-"
"It's not too soon it's just not right!", I blurted out thoughtlessly.
"What?", he shook his head with confusion, "Whatever do you mean? I thought everything was-"
"It is...no it- it is", I reassured him and put my hand on my forehead exasperatedly, "I think I just need a moment", I stared at the ceiling manically, "Yes. I need fresh air. Mhm, that is exactly what I need."
He looked at me worriedly at my chaotic burst of emotions, "Okay-"
"And maybe a shot of vodka- or two", I muttered to myself as I put on my shoes, a coat, a scarf, and a hat.
"Eleanor, just calm down and we can talk about this", he grabbed my hand.
I looked at him senselessly and tried to gather my thoughts.
"No", I whispered and took a deep breath.
That was all I could manage to say to him before I nodded my head and slipped out the doors and over the balcony.
••••
"Vodka, vodka", I whispered to myself, "Where might there be vodka?"
I kicked a rock against the snowy sidewalk and continued down the road.
"If it had been any other day", I talked aloud to myself, "Or any other moment, I would've said it back. Yes, you would've", I reassured myself.
"It's just with Sirius, and- and-"
I sighed and fell back into the snow. I had to have been walking carelessly for a mile because I did not recognize my environment offhand. Maybe I was just losing my mind.
"I THINK I AM LOSING MY MIND!", I released my thoughts into the air.
"Rough night?", a shadowy presence stood over me.
"Holy mother of-", I shot up and scooted against the snow.
He was staring at me coldly, as he always did with everyone, and held out to his hand to help me up.
"S-Snape?", I whispered, "What on earth are you doing here?", I grabbed his hand and stood up.
"I could ask you the same thing", he smirked, "Although from what I gather I believe we are here on the same principle."
I looked at him waiting for him to go on.
"Losing our minds."
••••
"I think I might've summoned you somehow", I smirked as I sat beside him by the train tracks, "I prayed for vodka and you show up with a bottle in hand."
I took a swig and handed it back to him.
He hadn't said much in the duration that I ran into him, but his company was much appreciated.
"So what were you doing walking the streets alone on Christmas Eve with a bottle in hand anyway?", I laughed.
"Being summoned by you, I suppose", he took a swig.
I took a deep breath and laid back against the snow.
"It's your first Christmas Eve without her, isn't it?", I glanced up at him.
He pursed his lips and took another swig, "I do not wish to talk about the gifts I do not receive this year."
I nodded and knew he'd rather keep it in and knew better than to press him about it.
"Then I understand that you may be perfectly happy to allow me to pour all of my problems on you, then?", I smiled cheekily and sat up.
"I suppose I am indebted to you for the advice that you gave me, even if it helped in no way", he scoffed and handed me the bottle.
"Beautiful", I cheered to the sky and took a swig.
••••
"So you have two boys that you cannot decide between?", he said lightening up after we had knocked half the bottle, "Doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world."
"But I cannot have one without the other", I groaned, "I've noticed this now."
"It'd help me better to know the names of these two interests-"
"Oh heavens no!", I laughed, "You would be all too biased."
"My point, exactly", he grinned.
I laughed and shook my head.
"I just know that I cannot be without either of them. If I choose one, I lose the other. If I choose neither, I lose parts of myself."
"Well, which version of you do you like better?", he asked, "In other words, which person brings out the version of you that you cannot live without?"
I sighed and thought about it.
"Well, with Re-", I caught myself, "With one of the boys, I feel like the epitome of the person I have always yearned to be. I am witty and indulgent in the important things of life. We share a romance that makes my soul feel like I've known him in a past life. We talk about energy, the way the wind blows through the trees, the way our eyes are magnetic toward each other."
I paused and laughed about it, "It's so strange because if you were to tell me that he was as deep, if not deeper of a person than I were, I would have laughed. He's serious, but not in a way that is off-putting."
"Not like I", Snape interjected with a smirk.
"Right", I laughed, "It's like he is more poetic than intimidating. No offense."
"None taken", he nodded slowly.
"I truly believe I could not live without him", I whispered and continued, "He has been the other half of me my entire life."
I paused and looked to the sky, "It's like I am half full, as is he, but when we are together we burn brighter than the most glorious star."
Snape nodded and looked at me, "And the other?"
I shook my head and smirked, "The other I absolutely hated", I admitted. "He was arrogant and cruel, annoying and sarcastic...but for some reason I've always been drawn to him. Every time I attempt to avoid him, he crashes every barricade I have set up between us. I am hard-headed and stubborn with him, yes, but I am also powerful and outgoing and...free."
I grabbed my necklace and thought of Sirius, "He had qualities I hadn't expected to see from him as well. He is romantic and thoughtful. He's loyal and puts others before himself. I'd even go to say that he's protective of me in a better way than the other one is. He seldom gets jealous. He allows me to be who I am without a touch of humiliation following."
"For him it's rather the opposite", I looked to the horizon, "It's like I am completely full as a person and he is too. So when we are together, our fire could take down an entire city."
Snape nodded and took it all in.
"I feel one brings you comfort and love and the other brings you excitement and lust", he concluded.
"The lustful one might feel tempting and addicting to you now, but I fear it will not last. These things always burn out", he paused and looked to me, "It's the slow burning engagements that will spark a flame that will be ongoing for a lifetime."
He paused and handed me the bottle, "It's like you said. The first boy you pour back into each other until the light in your souls fill each other up. With the other one your soul is already full, you just break all of the walls around it and let it shine light on the world."
He sighed, "The world will eat your light up, until you are left empty. I think it better to share it with one person. They will hold onto it forever."
"Like you had hoped Lily would hold on to yours?"
He shot me a look and I immediately knew that I should have not said those words.
"I- I'm sorry."
"It's quite alright", he sighed, "I feel empty without her. Which is why I think you should choose the first boy. I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy."
I nodded and suddenly felt all of the guilt that had built up rise up to the surface and rush out of me.
"I am an awful person, Severus."
"I think that be the vodka talking to you", he smirked.
"No, really", I whispered gravely, "I kicked Sirius out when he needed me most and then left Regulus back in my room alone after he said that he loved me."
I didn't even bother to catch my tongue anymore. I think even if I had tried, it wouldn't have worked.
"I knew you were between those brothers", he scoffed.
"I have to go", I shook my head and stood up, "I'm sorry to leave you all alone, and I am most grateful for the conversation. I believe you opened my eyes to who I must choose."
I walked from him and unhooked the latch on my necklace to reveal the ball of light that would lead me to where I needed to go.
"Wait-", Severus called out, "Not to pry, but which one did you choose?"
"The version of myself that I like more", I smiled and walked away down the road.
••••
I had muttered his name in my mind about a million times as I saw the stars light up to guide me to him.
I was thankful for the vodka to warm me as I finally reached the house.
I took a deep breath and went around the back, eager to avoid anyone that may be lingering at the front door.
I knelt as grabbed some snow in my hand, bundled it up and tossed it at the upstairs window with the light on.
I shut the clasp on the necklace and stood there on the edge of my nerves waiting for him to come to it.
It felt like an hour had passed after the second snowball, until he came to the window and opened it up, his hair hanging from his eyes and an astounded look on his face at the sight of me.
I managed a smile and shrugged.
"Hey."
_______
Q: Who do you think she chose?
A: hehee I ain't tellin u, you'll have to read the next chapter ;)