I've been enjoying spending time with Mia. However, sometimes she makes me uncomfortable when we are in public — well, it depends on where we are. She's very touchy and lovable, but there are certain places when I feel like she is ashamed that she's a lesbian. I wish she would come out to the world and be comfortable with her sexual preference. I am going to talk to her about it. I feel like if she's going to be ashamed of me or us — as much as I love Mia, I cannot and will not be in someone's shadow.
The other day, we took a walk in the park. It was such a beautiful day. The butterflies complemented the nice breeze, and the blue sky resembled the never-ending ocean. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. We brought our blanket, a couple of snacks, and we listened to some music. We were laid out on each other and very comfortable. Honestly, it felt like home. However, I noticed that when people looked at us, Mia could adjust how she was lying on me or would slightly push me away. She would say her arm was asleep or her back hurt. It was one excuse after another. Deep inside, I was very upset; however, I didn't say anything.
Just yesterday, we went out to eat at our favorite pizza joint. Mia would hold my hand, but when she saw someone we knew, she would quickly snatch her hand from mine. I looked at her, and she looked at me; she knew exactly what I was thinking. I was hurt, but once again, I didn't say anything.
School hasn't been a joy because people have been talking about me coming out as a lesbian. I am not ashamed, nor do I care what they think or say about me. What hurts the most is that at school, Mia speaks to me. However, she dodges me more than she speaks. We used to always walk to homeroom together, now it is more of a wave, and she will say, "Scarlet, I will see you later." Mia doesn't understand that being ashamed of herself and me is frustrating, disappointing, and it is very distasteful.
As I walked into my math class, all I could hear were whispers. People were whispering to each other to the point they sounded like evil snakes. Little do they know their poison words do not bother me. A girl by the name of Vanessa asked me if I tape down my breasts. Some of my classmates laughed. I joined in on the echo of laughter. I took a breath and smiled, "Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa, are you a lesbian too? Or maybe you are bisexual?" I looked her dead in the eye and walked over to her, "Do you want to see my tits?" I smiled, "Or maybe you want to touch them because for you to ask me that question, you must have been fantasizing about my boobs." Funny how the tables turn, because now people were laughing at her. She didn't know what to say. "Vanessa, you are thinking too long!" I touched her blonde hair, "I know what it is! You want to touch them, but you are scared to. It is okay. Sooner or later, you will have to come from behind the curtain, so you might as well do it now." I reached for her hand as if I was about to lift up my shirt, but she started to cry and ran out of the classroom, acting like she was the victim.
Vanessa's best friend, Stacey, yelled, "You are a freak!" I turned around, "I am a freak? You and your dense clique are bullies. You all go around here talking shit about people in your slutty clothes. I'd rather be a freak than a ho. Word around the school is that all the boys on the basketball and football team have each and every one of your names in a black book that they pass around." She flipped her hair back as if that was a compliment. Stacey looked back at her dumb-ass friends, "I know they do. We cannot help that we are the popular girls." I laughed, "You are denser than I thought. They have marked how many times they have fucked you and your ho friends. Y'all are slutty bitches to them with a hole between your legs that they all have been in multiple times." The class had a field day with their lame-ass, "Whoa... whoa... whoa."
Stacey stood up and yelled, "I'd rather be a slut than a freaky lesbian." I laughed in her face, "Maybe you need to get checked out to make sure you do not have an STD or are pregnant — and if you are pregnant, I hope you can pick your baby daddy out in a line-up." I walked away, then turned back around, "Damn, how many boys are on the basketball and football teams?" The class was clapping their hands, hitting their legs, yelling whoa, and were crazy laughing at my jokes.
A dude with purple hair and a nose ring looked me up and down. I thought it was weird and kind of strange. I was ready to defend myself again. However, he took me by surprise. He put his hand on his chest, "Hey Scarlet, you do not know me, but I know you because you took our basketball team to regionals last year. I am Michael, Mike for short. I think it is pretty cool you are a freak because I am a freak too. I know I come to school with different kinds of coloring in my hair and that I have tons of piercings, but that's just who I am. I think you are a cool chick!" He rubbed his hands through his hair. I loved how his fingernails were painted black. He continued, "I am going to give people more to talk about because I am trying to grow a Mohawk!" He laughed, "Hey, if they are talking about you, then that means you are doing something right. Right?" I gave him a high five, "True! And that you have the guts to do what they are afraid to do or say ."
During lunch, I decided to go to the gym.
I felt a tap on the right side of my shoulder, "Scarlet." I looked to my right, and nobody was there. I turned around, and Jenna was standing in front of me, "You didn't call me in nearly a month. I am not counting, though."
She smiled, "I'm just saying."
I had totally forgotten about Jenna. Before I knew how Mia felt about me, I had a thing for Jenna. She's right; a little over a month ago, out of the blue, she spoke to me.
"Hey, Scarlet," said Jenna as she sat beside me at her desk. We had on the same uniform (royal purple blazer, purple tartan plaid skirt, and our white-collar shirt, with knee-high white or royal purple socks, and our plain black shoes). Jenna's hair is coarse and so beautiful, but that day, it was in two braids. It reminded me of Mia's hair. She is not slim, but she isn't heavyset either. In my eyes, just like Mia — she is perfect! Her dark brown eyes are so dreamy, and her bronze skin looks so smooth and pimple free. I've had a crush on Jenna for quite some time, but I do not think she is a lesbian. I never told anyone. Well, quite frankly, until last month, I never told anyone that I was a lesbian.
Back then, I always wondered how Mia never noticed. I held her hand on purpose, and I loved to lock my arm around hers. I always looked at her when she was sleeping, I kissed her on her cheeks more than usual, but I think she just thought it was the norm. I like Jenna, but I love Mia. I love Mia as a friend, sister, and a lover, and I am happy to know she feels the same way about me. However, I am not happy that she is ashamed of us.
Years ago, I think it was during the summer of 7th grade. Mia and I went to an all-girls summer camp. It was so boring. Anyway, there was a trend going on, and everyone was asked if they had ever kissed a girl before. It seemed like we were the only girls there who had never kissed the same sex. We didn't want to feel left out, so Mia and I kissed each other. First, it was a peck just to say we kissed a girl. I told Mia that wouldn't count (I knew what I was doing!) I told her we would have to kiss for real. Like for real, for real. Mia asked me what was a 'for real' kiss. I told her tongue had to be involved. Mia thought that was disgusting, but she said okay since it was me. It hurt my feelings when she said, "Well, you are my sister, and it seems like you want to get in where you fit in, so you wouldn't have to lie anymore." I was happy to kiss Mia, but she was going through with it so I could fit in with everyone else. I didn't care about fitting in with everyone else. If it wasn't for the trend, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to kiss Mia. All I cared about was kissing Mia — and I had a good enough reason to do so.
We were sitting on Mia's bunk. "Okay, on the count of three," I said. I had my eyes open. Mia's eyes were open too, "Okay. One," I said, "Two." And Mia and I said together, "Three." Mia messed the mood up and yelled, "Blessings!" I was looking like, "What?" "Blessings, I said blessings," said Mia with a smile on her face. "Oh yeah, yeah, blessings." I threw my hands up, "Come on, Mia, let me count to three." Mia nodded her head.
I was so nervous. I thought my heart was going to fall out my butt. My hands and underarms were so sweaty. In my head, all I could think of was — I hope Mia doesn't notice. More so, I was thinking, oh my gosh, I am about to kiss Mia!
"One, two, three...." I opened my mouth and leaned over with my eyes closed to kiss Mia.
Mia's mouth was open, and I put my tongue in her mouth. Mia's tongue tasted like watermelon bubble gum. We kissed for a short moment. I could have kept going on and on, but Mia put a stop to it quickly. "Okay, now you've kissed a girl. Well, tongue-kissed a girl." She jumped off the bed, "I do not know what the big deal is. First, it is totally nasty. Secondly, which is worse than the first, everyone is exchanging bacteria — which is so gross."
My heart dropped, "You didn't like kissing me?" I asked Mia.
Mia looked at me out of curiosity, "What?"
"You are acting like I am a huge bacterium filled with some sort of disease or something!"
Mia was walking to the door and turned around slowly, "What...why are you acting like this?" She paused. "Scarlet, do you like girls?" Her question caught me off-guard. I didn't know how to respond. She walked towards me and asked, "Do you like me?"
I quickly laughed it off, "What! Ugh. No! I don't like girls, and no, I do not like you."
I didn't know what to do or say. To get the attention off of me, I said, "Do you like girls?"
Mia didn't laugh, "Scarlet, if you are a lesbian, I wouldn't judge you. Just tell me."
I jumped off the bed. As I put on my shoes, I purposely didn't make eye contact with her. "Mia, you are thinking too much. No, I do not like girls, and no, I am not a lesbian." I pushed the wooden screen door open. I had one foot out of the cabin and one foot in. Mia didn't answer my question, so I asked her again, "Do you like girls?"
"No, I do not. But..." (When she said 'but,' my eyes lit up with so much hope, but she finished her sentence) "but if you like girls, I would still love you the same."
My heart was so hurt, but I didn't show it. I laughed it off, "Okay, Mia! I assure you, I do not like girls." I walked over to her, "But I like you, and I love you, Mia. (I should have left it at that, but I continued), "I like you and love you, Mia, as my best friend and sister."
Until this day, I questioned myself what Mia would have said if I left it as, "But I like you, and I love you, Mia." Would she have said, "I love you too, Scarlet, more than a BFF or a sister?" Would we have kissed again, but for real? Would we be lovers then? Would right now, today, would her parents be used to our relationship as being each other's lesbian girlfriend? I always thought if Mia really knew the truth, she wouldn't want to be my BFF or sister. Would I be still staying with her and her parents as long as I did? Back then, I never told Mia how I felt because I loved getting the best education at WMJA. I loved Mia and her family, and I didn't want to lose my Mia.
Mia hugged me, "I love you too! You will always be my bestie and my sister!"
I kissed Mia on the cheek and forehead — and then I locked my arms around Mia. Kissing Mia's forehead and cheek are the closest that I can get to kissing her lips. Locking my arms around Mia is the closest I can get to her in public without looking suspicious.
I can't help but think — why didn't Mia tell me how she felt then?
Most of the time, I sleep in Mia's bed. We are so used to sleeping in the same bed; I guess it doesn't faze Mia or her parents because this is something we've been doing since we were five years old. When I lay in bed with Mia, I cuddled under her, I guess then, she didn't think anything of it, but it meant the world to me! I played with her hair when she was asleep. Mia doesn't know, but I gently kissed her lips very softly because I did not want to wake her up, nor did I want her to feel it. I locked my fingers with hers when she was asleep because I thought I would never get that kind of affection from her. Well, we hold hands in public, but locking hands is more intimate. I love me some Mia. I knew I was in love with Mia from the first day I saw her.
All this time, I never knew she felt the same way about me — so I never asked because I did not want to run her away. I did not want to ruin our friendship and sisterhood. I wanted to talk to Mia about how I felt, but I was scared. I was afraid I might lose Mia forever. Now that we are a couple — I feel lonely when she's around certain people. Maybe, Mia isn't ready. Maybe we shouldn't date because I do not want us to be a secret.
I tried dating dudes, but they weren't my forte. I dated this guy named Raymond in 9th grade for about two months. He was dark-skinned and always had waves in his hair. His fingernails were always clean and cut neatly. He came from a good family, and he still attends WMJA. I broke up with him after he kissed me. I didn't like it. He played tennis, and we were on the tennis court. I was helping him practice. I wanted to mess around, so I playfully hit him with the ball and ran with the tennis racket. When he caught me, he held me in his arms. "What will I do without you, Scarlet?" and then he kissed me out of nowhere. He didn't use his tongue; it was normal, thank God, but I did not like it.
Here came 10th grade, I dated a guy named Marlon. I love dark-skinned boys. He was a chocolate-colored, fine handsome young man. He was the finest dude in school. He caught hell for dating a white girl. His parents saw him kissing me on the steps. This time it was tongue, and it was so disgusting. His momma wasn't hearing it. I don't know what she said in the car, but he got an earful. He didn't break up with me; instead, I broke up with him — not because of his mom, more because I didn't like it when he kissed me.
After Marlon, I had my eyes on Jenna. I remember the first time I saw Jenna; she looked like a star that had gently fallen down from the universe. She had her hair in a huge shining fluffy afro. She had on her PE uniform — light purple shorts and a WMJA white and royal purple t-shirt. Her long spider legs were perfect as she walked over to get the basketball. I was in a daze as I stared at her smile. She had on clear lip gloss, and her teeth were straight and white. Her eyelashes were long and curly. Jenna's nose looked like a cute little button, and when she smiled, her cheekbones were something I had never seen before; they were perfect and made her smile pop!
The first time I met Jenna was in P.E. However, I was sitting down on the bleachers in deep thought. "My apology. I didn't mean to hit you with the ball," said Jenna as she asked me if she wants me to get the nurse.
"The nurse? Why do I need a nurse?" I asked.
"Because the ball hit you on the side of your face pretty hard. Your face is fireball red," said Jenna, who smelled like honeysuckle flowers.
"I am okay. Thank you for your concern."
"Are you sure?" asked Jenna as she touched the left side of my cheek.
Oh my gosh, her hands smelled like fresh flowers, and they were softer than silk. "Yes, I am sure." I looked in her eyes, "My name is Scarlet."
"Wow, that's a pretty name."
"Thank you, Jenna."
"You know my name?" Jenna asked.
"Yes, I do. We are in the same art class together."
"Oh, yes, we are. You are a good artist. I do not know how to
draw, but I am taking it for the credit," said Jenna as she sat beside me.
"Thank you. I love to draw, and I like playing basketball too."
"Oh yeah, you play for the varsity team!" Jenna said with excitement.
I nodded my head, yes.
"How can I forget? Last week you made twenty-two points, and there are not too many sophomores on the varsity team. With that being said, you must be really good."
"I am okay," I said because I didn't want to sound cocky. I couldn't help but think she thinks that I am a sophomore. I wanted to correct her, but maybe I shouldn't. How could she think I am a sophomore? Maybe, she knows how old I am, but still....
"Normally, I do not go to the basketball games, but I am going to attend the next one," said Jenna as she got up and bounced the ball.
She looked at my face, "The redness has gone down." I got up and stepped off the last step in the bleachers. "Think quick!" says Jenna as she threw the ball.
I caught it.
"What are you doing this weekend? I know you have a game. I was wondering, if you and Mia aren't hanging out, maybe we can hang out this weekend or sometime," she said, smiling.
"Okay, sure. I would like that. What do you have in mind?"
"I don't know. I love to skate!" she said, still smiling.
"Really! I love to skate too!" Skating is a huge part of my life. It is
my therapy, I thought to myself. All this time, Jenna loved skating, and I never knew it or have ever seen her at the skating rink.
"Okay, it's a date!" Jenna said.
"A date?" I asked, not knowing what she meant.
"Yeah, a date. Friends can date, right?"
"I never thought of it like that," I answered.
"Oh, did I offend you?" Jenna asked, looking concerned.
"Oh no, you didn't. I just never heard of it before." I wanted to
get off that subject. "Speaking of never. I've never seen you at the skating rink."
She laughed and giggled (which was so cute), "Oh no, because I just started skating.
I smiled, "Oh, I see. Maybe I can teach you how to skate." Jenna smiled, "I would love that."
I folded my hand and pinched myself. Am I imagining this conversation? After all, I did not feel the basketball hit me in the face.
The bell rang. "Here is my number. Call me some time," said Jenna. She put it in my front right pocket.
I nodded my head, "Okay. I will do that."
She smiled, waved her hand, and said bye.
"Earth to Scarlet! Hello? Hello?"
I came back to reality. Jenna was snapping her fingers, "Scarlet are you on this planet or Mars?"
"My apology. I was in a daze."
She laughed, "You don't say."
She reached for my hand, "Come sit beside me."
I sat beside her on the bleachers. Mia walked in, but she didn't say
anything. She just — looked. I waved to signal Mia to come sit with us. She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "Mia, come sit with us." She kept walking as if she didn't hear me.
I was holding on to my backpack as I ran down the bleachers and reached for her arm, but Mia pulled it back, "Hey, Mia. What's wrong?"
"Talk to Jenna."
"What? I asked you to come sit with us."
"You looked perfectly happy talking to her. I am more than sure
she doesn't want me around."
"Mia, you are welcome to sit with us. Come on."
I reached for her hand to hold, but she looked around and put her hand in her coat pocket.
I said with disappointment, "Okay, Mia. I see what this is — you are ashamed of us."
"What! No, I am not."
"Well, hold my hand."
Mia didn't take her hands out of her coat.
I tightened my lips, "Hold my hand, Mia."
"I have to go to class. I will see and talk to you later." My heart sank while I stood there and watched Mia walk away.
I got myself together, walked over to the bleachers, and sat next to Jenna.
"Let's play tic-tac-toe," said Jenna, pulling out a sheet of paper and a red and a blue pen.
"Okay." I pulled off my backpack. I scooted close to Jenna. Our arms touched. She put an X in the middle. I put an O on the left side of her X. She put an X on the bottom left. I put an O on the right side of the X. She then put an X on the top right. "I won!" cried Jenna, looking me directly in the eyes.
"I wanted you to win."
"I figured that because who would put an O on the left and right side of the board if they were trying to win?" She blushed. "Cute. You wanted me to win?"
She put her hand in mine, and we locked fingers.
I looked at her and didn't say anything.
She looked down, then she looked back up, "Scarlet, I liked you
for a long time, but I didn't know if you..." She looked down, "I didn't know if you liked girls...." She paused. "Last year — well, I still do not know if you like girls, but I am taking it that you do." She looked at me, but I didn't say anything. She rubbed her fingers through my hair. I can't believe that this is happening. Jenna is not ashamed of me. My hands are sweaty. My legs are starting to shake. "What makes you think I like girls?"
Jenna's fingers finally reached the end of my ponytail, "I knew you liked girls when you kept breaking it off with your boyfriends. That was a dead giveaway."
"You've been watching me?"
"No... I haven't. I just....," she pushed my hair behind my left ear, "Well, yes, I have. I hope that is okay." She pushed my hair behind my right ear, "I hope that you've been watching me too." Her soft hands traveled to my neck. She scooted closer to me, "Is it okay, Scarlet?"
"Jenna, I am in a relationship."
"With who? Mia? I saw how you ran after her. That is not what a BFF would do, not in that way, anyway." She put her hands on my butt to pull me closer to her, "I had my eyes on you. I saw you reach out for her, and she rejected you. If she is a lesbian, she will not come out for everyone to see — she does not want to mess up her reputation. Scarlet, I will claim you as mine without hesitation." She put her hand on my cheek, "You are beautiful." Her fingers rubbed against my lip, "I love your plump lips. They are soft." She stroked my face again, "Damn, your face is so soft." She touched my hand, "Your hands feel like...."
I interrupted her, "I cannot do this. I am sorry, but I can't."
Jenna reached for the rest of her things, "Okay, I understand. I love how you are faithful. You have my number, Scarlet. Call me whenever you feel up to it."
She was waiting for me to say something, but she held onto her backpack and walked away.