CATALINA
Instead of going home like I initially intended to, I find myself storming back into the building and letting my feet guide me all the way up to my therapist's office. I feel the nerves in my legs as I stomp down the hall, holding in all my anger until I slam her door open.
"We have to talk right now!" I exclaim as I march towards the couch.
Except, I don't sit down. I just find myself standing up and pacing back and forth.
"I just said something really mean to August, but that's not why I'm here!" I speak, taking sharp breaths to regulate my nerves.
"You don't have an appointment." She sighs and takes off her glasses.
"He told me that my husband has a baby with his ex, Melody!" I soff out the words in absolute disgust.
My therapist sits up and furrows her eyebrows. I look at her and nod my head, assuring her that this is definitely an urgent matter.
"He's a liar, but he's not that kind of liar. To just blatantly lie like that. Like why would he?" I shake my head with my eyes narrowed.
"but that sounds so stupid, it sounds like something he just made up. Why would Melody and Ashton have a child?" I start to rant, all of my sentences becoming bunched up. "He would have had to cheat on me and that doesn't sound right. It doesn't make any sense. He must be lying."
"Okay."
"Do you think he's lying? You think I should just let it go?"
"I can't tell you what to think about August because you won't say how you feel about him." She sighs.
Her and I have this conversation every other session. She tries to get me to admit my underlying feelings and I can't because there are just too many of them. They all just ball up into anger and this obligation that I feel to despise him. My therapist-- Dr.Reed-- keeps trying to get me to admit all these deep things and I can't.
"I mean. He lies, he does lie. I'm not denying that. It's just, he doesn't make stuff up. He doesn't have to because the stuff that happens for real is bad enough."
"Obviously I was just mad, I didn't mean that stuff. I called Lily ditzy and she's a pediatric surgeon. I was just mad, but he really really hurt me. He started it!"
"Okay, now I need you to calm down and take a seat."
I sigh heavily and do as she said. I shut up and calm down.
"So let's pretend this is true....what are you going to do?"
"I don't know." I shrug. I'd like to think that I would do....something, but when I try to imagine it, nothing comes to mind.
"Would you....leave him?" She asks and for some reason, although she knows everything about me, her questions sounds too personal.
"I....I don't know." I say and then I feel pathetic for saying it.
I guess I never thought about it. In a realistic way, would I leave? We have little children and yeah I'm perfectly capable of being alone, but do I want to be alone again? I wouldn't be alone, I have my kids. Except, I can't imagine a world where I'd be able to be okay if he cheats on me.
Then I stop and stare at my therapist as the realization dawns upon me. I can't believe I have given someone so much capacity to hurt me. I did that—I put my heart in his hands with no shield to protect it— because I trust him. Now, I see the problem with trust. I get it now.
"Okay." I nod my head, ready to rationalize. "What would I do? What do you think I would do?"
"Well do you think it's true?" Dr.Reed raised one of her straight, arched eyebrows. "Answer honestly, no clouded thoughts."
"No." I say the first thing that comes to mind, because I don't think it's true. "Not only would that imply that Ashton cheated on me, which I have enough faith to know he didn't, it would also imply that he has a child that he abandoned. It means he never saw them or took care of them and that sounds impractical."
"Okay." She nods. "and why did August tell you what he did?"
"He said he wasn't trying to hurt me, but that's not true. He just said that. He told me because I said something mean to him and it made him mad."
"So then there is no valid reason to let this create panic. You can't fathom the thought of it being true, and you believe that a person you dislike told you this with bad intentions."
"Right." I nod my head. "I'm still going to ask him and then I'll let it go, but I have to ask."
"Okay."
"Okay." I nod my head and stand up from the couch in a hurry.
I don't know why I'm in such a rush to ruin my life.
*****
I play with the end of my shirt as I sit in the middle of the bed staring at the open door. I know that Ashton is walking through the door any minute now, and I know I'll have to ask him. I'm just scared because what if my whole life flips upside down?
I often try to disconnect from the whole "Catalina has bad luck" trope, but history has always proven that it's not on my side. I don't know what to expect. I feel okay because I don't think Ashton would ever do something like that, but then I start to doubt what I know because of the way my life has been in the past.
I hear footsteps as they come up the stairs and I feel my stomach ball into a knot. It takes about 40 seconds to get from the front door to the top of the stair case, and an extra three to make it to our room. Only 43 seconds stand in between me and knowing if my world is about to collapse.
You'd think I would have prepared. You'd think that I would have thought of something to say or what I would do if it's true. I haven't though. If I thought how I would react, I'd have to face the idea that it could be true. It's just one of those things that you can't think about without feeling tears pool in your eyes.
I hear him as he gets closer and closer. The stairs barely creaking under the weight of his footsteps. I swallow and I sit up straighter, taking a deep breath and preparing myself to face him.
Three seconds and he'll be standing in front of me. He'll be standing in front of me and I—
"Hey." Ashton speaks and I jump in shock, snapping out of the daze I had been in as I got ready to see him.
"Do you have a child with Melody?" I ask him, not missing a beat as he stands on the other side of the room.
Ashton raises his eyebrow and starts to smile. He chuckles a little bit, unable to hide his obvious amusement and see that I have a straight face. "What?"
"I'm not being funny."
"What? No. Where do you— what kind of question is that?" He exhales as his laughter dies down.
"A serious one."
"No." He stops smiling and looks at me, seeming to be concerned by how serious I am.. He looks me straight in my face. "No I don't have a child with Melody."
"Okay." I nod my head.
I don't want to show it, but I take a sigh of relief. I close my eyes and enjoy the first few seconds of silence without painfully persistent thoughts telling me that I should prepare myself for utter destruction. I don't dwell on if he's able to look me in the eyes and lie. More of me than the some of me that doubts everything believes him.
I know him. I married him and I'd like to think that I know what he would and wouldn't do. Besides just knowing him, I love him and I trust him, and that's enough for me. No, not enough. Saying it's enough implies that in settling and I'm not. It's everything to me and that's it. That's all.
I lay back on the bed, with my head on my satin pillowcase and I can't close my eyes. I just stare at the nightstand across from me in the dark and think about nothing. I just stare.
Ashton shuffles in the bed beside me, trying to find a way to get comfortable.
"I've never thought about this before. Ever. I don't know why, I just never have. I think that everyone is going to hurt me, but I never once thought that you would. So, I guess I never thought about what would happen if you did one day. I never asked if you would."
"You never asked, because you know that I wouldn't hurt you." He responds, his voice calm and assuring.
I sigh.
"but if this is you asking, no I won't."
"I don't know why that's not enough." I sigh, frustrated with myself. "I know you mean it but it's just...I don't know."
The only other time I cared enough to ask someone would they hurt me— which is really just silently begging them not to— was when I thought August liked me. He said he wouldn't hurt me and he lied. He said it like he meant it so I believed him. I believed him and I shouldn't have, because he proceeded to hurt me in ways that I hadn't even thought about when I asked him.
"What would be enough for you then? I'll do it."
"No." I smile softly and put my hand on his. "You don't have to go out of your way to prove something that I know."
"I will." He says firmly like he's sure of it. Then he pauses. "if you need me to, I'll do it for you."
He'd do it for me. He'd go through the annoying troubles of assuring his doubtful wife that he loves her even though she already knows. Despite how irritating I know that has to be, he wouldn't be mad at me, he'd understand that it's what I need and he'd do it. That's why I love him and it's why I never, not once, thought that he would hurt me.
"Well I don't need you to." I smile in the dark, playing with his fingertips.
"Are you sure? because I'm about to go to sleep." I can't see him but I know that his eyes are closed and there's a lazy smile on his face as he forced himself awake to talk to me.
"Yes I'm sure. Today I am." I chuckle quietly.
"I love you." He mumbles as he gives into his rest.
"I love you too." I smile, grabbing his hand in mine.
AUGUST
"We're going to buy like nude clothes. The color scheme is so cute, cute shades of brown for our cute little brown baby."
"I don't know." I sigh, feeling like my mind is on too many different things to even pretend to be as excited as she is.
"About the brown clothes?" She stops talking and starts looking disappointed.
"No." I sit up on my elbows to look at her. "Not the brown clothes."
When I was laying back on the bed staring at the ceiling I built up all the energy to tell her the truth, but when I sat up and looked at her I just can't. I have to though. Catalina was right and I only proved her point. I can't fake my way into building a perfect family when I barely deserve it.
"Well then what?"
I sigh as I look at her. Not because I don't want a baby, but because the way she's looking at me reminds me of the first time she got pregnant. I was so mean. I told her I didn't want it and that me and her were barely even dating. She looked so sad as I was speaking, and although I felt bad, I was too selfish to not say how I really felt. I can't do that to her now.
I know that if I say it like I mean it she'll get too sad to even talk about it again. I've done that before— when I was a worse person. Say things in a mean way so she'd let it go. I know that and she doesn't know that I know that, but still I can't do it. I don't want to hurt her feelings and there is no way for me to be truthful without doing so.
"You don't want a baby?" She speaks slowly as her face drops into a deeper frown, but it looks more like a scowl.
"I— it's not that I don't want one it's just—"
"We're literally mar-" She stops speaking and sighs, scooting from the edge of the bed to sit right next to me. "Why don't you want a baby?"
"I just...." I can't tell her that it's because I don't think I'll be good at it. That I just got lucky with Alyssa and that's only because she's so little.
It's like why can't Alyssa get big first and I see it she still likes me or not before we have another one?
"I don't know."
"August."
"Okay." I sigh. "What if I'm not good at it? When Alyssa was a baby, I was horrible. I know I'm good now, but she's only three. She isn't old enough to think I'm a bad dad or a bad person. If we have another one, it increases my chances of having two kids that hate me."
"Well first of all, me and my sister hated my dad and we're just fine now." She shrugs like that's supposed to help. "and you're a great dad."
She reaches her hand out to lay it on the side of my face in a comforting way and she smiles softly. "Alyssa doesn't love you because she's three, she loves you because you're great. You're her best friend in the whole world and it's not just because you take care of her. She loves you more than anything."
"because she's three—"
"No, because you read to her whenever she asks, you wake up out of your sleep to clean her up when she wets the bed, you hold her and tell her everything okay when she feels sad, you talk to her like she's your best friend too, and I could go on and on but she doesn't love you because she's three. She loves you because you're someone worth loving."
"and I'm not three and I love you. So now what?"
I laugh. "There you go with the attitude."
"Shut up." She laughs.
"Well I still really want a baby, but I'll shut up and give you maybe a few days to think about what you want."
Now, do I tell her that I did at least three horrible things in one go today? First, I said something mean to Catalina— it might have just slipped out but that doesn't mean I can take it back. Then, I told her something that is likely to ruin her life. In doing so, I also kind of betrayed Melody.
I can tell myself that I only did it because I couldn't resist my urge not to and I knew she wouldn't believe me. Nobody ever believes you when they don't know you. Truth is, I might have still told her if I thought she would believe me. Only because I wanted to tell her, so I did.
If I tell Lily what I did, then I have to tell her what Catalina said. I'd rather not. I need her to convince me that the things Catalina said aren't true, but that's something she shouldn't have to do. I should know that. I don't need to be told that Catalina will say anything to hurt you. It's her only defense mechanism and it has been for years.
She does half of the things she does because of me. How can I act surprised by it?
"You better change your mind." She playfully narrows her eyes.
"Oh so you're giving me a few days to want a baby?" I smile.
"Yes."
"and if my mind doesn't change?"
"I don't know what you're going to do when I come home with a baby. That's all I'm going to say." She shrugs.
I let out a loud laugh. This is just one of the many reasons I love her so much.
I hear footsteps running through the hallway and I smile. I know it's Alyssa and it's so cute that she runs everywhere she's trying to go. I just imagine her little legs zooming through the hallway and I smile.
"Did she hear happiness without her?" Lily gasps and starts chuckling.
"Pretend to be sleep."
Lily laughs. "Don't do that to her."
We always leave the door cracked so that she can push it open and come in whenever she needs to. So that's what she does.
"Hey." She says as she walks up to us with her turtle teddy bear in her hand— his name is Mr.Turtle, very original.
"You was gone today." She tells me as she reaches her hand out for me to help her on the bed.
"I had to go to work." I chuckle.
"Why nobody tell me?"
"I'm sorry." I laugh as I kiss her forehead.
"Hey mama." She turns her head to smile at Lily.
"Hi baby." Lily smiles at her in awe.
Alyssa is so little and perfect, it makes it hard to find any flaws with having children. She's enough to make me want ten more, but being a father isn't what I'm afraid of. I'm just afraid that somehow—because I was never taught what to do—that I'll mess up and my kids won't like me anymore. I can't seem to shake that feeling.
I suppose the rest of my hypothetical children despising me isn't revenge the biggest of my problems right now. I still wonder if I've ruined Catalina's marriage and I have to tell Melody that I outed her secret.
Yay me.
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