Posey didn't know how she was going to do this. She didn't know how she could possibly say goodbye to these people she loved so dearly, knowing she'd never see them again. The men she held dearest to her heart, the ones who'd known her secret and kept it and had been the most loyal friends she'd ever had, didn't deserve this. But what else was there to do? She'd been making frivolous decision after frivolous decision and now it was coming back to bite her, now she was getting her comeuppance. She deserved this, had brought it upon herself.
That didn't make it any easier to bear.
When she made it back to the line Posey's first order of business was finding Gene to let him know that Nixon needed to see him. The plan needed to be passed down as orders, he would never agree to it otherwise.
Gene nodded and tried for a smile after she told him, and when he turned to leave he squeezed her arm reassuringly. He didn't deserve this, being the bearer of the bad news. He didn't deserve her forcing yet another secret upon him, and this one he'd have to take to his grave.
With the first steps of the plan set into motion, Posey made her way over to her foxhole. Her heart ached and her feet felt heavy, the rest of her completely numb. She couldn't believe this was happening. It didn't feel real. She thought she'd wake up tomorrow morning and it would all have been a nightmare and she'd tell Bill about it and he'd laugh, call her paranoid, and then they'd trek over to get breakfast like they always did.
But when she got back to the foxhole George and Johnny were both there with Bill and she knew that it would never happen. That was another dream she'd have to let go.
Her heart cracked at the look Johnny gave her, crestfallen and at a loss for what to say.
"Hi," she said when she was close enough, meeting his eyes through the growing darkness.
"Wells -" Johnny began.
She smiled sadly. "My name's Posey. You may as well know."
"Posey," he corrected himself, either fighting a smile or trying to force one. "We talked to the others. They ain't gonna say anything to anyone."
"I won't tell anyone that you knew," she replied, "if the brass find out."
"The brass ain't gonna find out," Bill said with conviction. Posey glanced down at him where he was sat in the foxhole and wanted to cry, but she didn't.
"I know," she said. "But in the event they do I just want you all to know that I won't tell."
"Eh, you ain't got anything to worry about, Duckie," George dismissed her. She smiled at the fact that he'd chosen to use her nickname, the one he'd given her, even now that he knew her name. She'd always be Duckie to him, at least. She just wished she could be Duckie a little while longer.
She wanted to hug them both so badly but she knew she couldn't, otherwise they'd know something was wrong. So she offered a watery smile and a half-shrug, willing the tears in her eyes away. She loved these men and she hoped they knew it, hoped they'd remember it when they needed to.
Looking at them both, smiling back at her in the semi-darkness, her heart both swelled and shattered with affection. "I can have a hug now, right?" she asked, throwing caution to the wind. She couldn't help it. "Now that everyone knows I'm a girl?"
George laughed and Johnny rolled his eyes and she took that as a yes from both of them. She hugged George first and it was exactly the kind of hug she would have expected from him, tight and warm and with laughter on both sides as he swayed them side to side. He held her at arms length when he pulled back and looked at her seriously for a moment. "You alright?" he asked quietly.
Posey smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah." She wasn't sure whether he believed her but he let her go nonetheless.
Johnny's hug was shorter than George's but no less fond. She'd hugged him once before, she remembered, entirely against his will after he'd first found out about her back at Toccoa. Smiling at the memory, she pressed her face into his shoulder in an attempt to keep the tears from spilling from her eyes.
Posey pulled back and that was it. George and Johnny said their quick, causal goodbyes and set off for their foxholes, ready to turn in for the night with the promise of checking in with her tomorrow morning.
She watched them go for a moment, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, before turning and getting into her own foxhole, offering a smile to Bill.
"You alright?" he asked, ducking to meet her gaze. She nodded. "The guys ain't gonna tell, they promised."
"I know," she whispered, biting into her bottom lip.
Bill sighed. "C'mere."
She crawled into his lap and melted into his embrace. "This is all my fault," she mumbled, fighting the frown on her lips.
"No, it ain't," Bill replied sternly. "It's fuckin' Talbert's fault for shovin' into the OP without warnin' anyone and runnin' his goddamn mouth about things he don't understand."
Posey laughed but she knew it wasn't true. It was her fault, all of it - from being here in the first place to getting herself found out. There was no one to blame but herself, but she appreciated that he tried to make it seem otherwise.
"I'm going out on patrol tonight," she said, snuggling closer so that he wouldn't see her face.
"What?"
"I'm going on patrol," she repeated, even though she knew he'd heard her the first time. "There's a German sniper who's been causing trouble for patrols so I'm going out to get him."
"By yourself?"
Posey nodded. "Yeah, but Gene'll be nearby just in case. But I know exactly where I'm going and the intelligence is coming straight from Nixon, so I'll be fine. It's not even really a patrol, I just need to go and get him and then I'll come straight back."
Bill shifted beneath her and she knew he was about to object. "You ain't goin' by yourself -"
"Bill, please don't become one of the many men who'll now question my ability to do my job. Shifty went out on patrol earlier so I'm going now and it'll be fine."
She hated hurting him like this.
She sat up and turned to look at him and only then did he nod, reluctantly. His eyes were soft as they gazed back at her, set firmly on her face and refusing to deviate elsewhere. Those eyes, that face, that smile. She'd always known they'd be her undoing.
He leaned forwards and kissed her, and she smiled against his lips. She loved him so desperately. He'd be a part of her forever.
The pair of them passed the hours in small acts of affection, in kisses and hugs and smiles. As they sat there together, tucked snugly into their foxhole, Posey became certain that what she was going to do was what she had to. There hadn't ever been a choice, really. She knew it had all been leading to this but only now could she recognise it.
She tucked her face into the fabric of his ODs and nuzzled as close as she could, smiling sadly to herself at how much this war had changed her. She'd been so naïve at the beginning, so foolish and reckless and optimistic. But maybe that girl had had a lot to be optimistic about - she'd had a great deal of sorrow ahead of her, but a great deal of happiness, too. But she was wiser now, and it was only after experiencing what she had that she could truly recognise how fragile life was. She'd need to hold on tight if she wanted to keep it.
"Cosy?" Bill asked, his voice thick with the effort to stave off sleep.
Posey smiled anew and nodded, knowing her voice would betray her tears if she used it. She was heartbroken but wouldn't let him know it - the one person who had tried to heal her heart again and again didn't need to know that, in the end, he'd failed by no fault of his own. He'd said they'd work it out but she knew that that was just another dream to tuck into her pocket and remember later, a wish that would never come true. For now she had to say goodbye and he did too, even if he didn't know it yet.
She waited a while, shivering in the cold and burying her nose deeper into Bill's shoulder until she was sure he was asleep. When she sat up the cold air rushed at her face, stinging her cheeks and knocking the breath from her. Bill's face as he slept was serene. He looked young - boyish and innocent and precious. She smiled. That was how she was going to remember him. She knew she had picked her moment perfectly.
A single tear turned into an icicle on her cheek as she dug into one of the inside pockets of her ODs, but her smile cracked it when she found what she was looking for. Carefully, she drew out Teddy and tucked him into the crook of one of Bill's elbows, held up by his crossed arms. Her smile drooped but she forced it up again and patted her trusted best friend on the head.
When she glanced up at Bill he was still sleeping and she nodded to herself encouragingly. Bracing herself on the dirt walls in front of and behind her, she leaned forwards and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, letting her lips linger for a moment before pulling back.
"Look after him for me," she whispered, her eyes falling to her trusted bear. She wasn't quite sure which of the two she was talking to.
Then she was out of the foxhole and walking away, navigating her way quietly through the trees and heading towards where she was due to meet Gene.
She thought hard on the people she was leaving behind and felt her heart break just a little bit more. She would miss them. She recalled what her mother had told her, just before she'd put her on the train that would lead her to the ship that would take her to America: families have a way of finding their way back to each other. She hoped, one day, her mother would be proven right. She had lost too many families by now to throw herself into loving another one.
When she came upon Gene he looked empty, much like how she felt. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes, forcing a smile for him. "Hi," she whispered.
"Wells..." he began.
She shook her head. "Posey," she corrected. When his eyebrows furrowed she explained, "My name's Posey. You may as well know it now."
"Posey," he repeated, and she nodded. He sighed. "You sure about this?"
"No." But when was she ever? "I haven't really got a choice."
"Where're you gonna go?"
"I'm going to try to get to Reims. I met someone there, a Brit who'd been a friend of my brother's, and I think he'll be able to help me. I think he'll know what to do."
"Wells..."
"I know, Gene," she said, her throat getting tight and her voice thick. "But I can't -" A sob wrenched its way out of her throat and she had to breathe deeply to push it back down again. "I haven't got any other choice. And I'm sorry to drag you into this, I really, really am, but there's no other way."
Gene shook his head, his lips pursed. "You'll be okay?" he asked.
"I'll be okay," she said. I'm going to die, she thought. Neither of these things were a lie. Somehow, like infinitely many other things that were at odds with each other, they could coexist. "I'll just -" She had to breathe deeply again lest she let out another sob. "I'll just miss you a lot."
Gene laughed softly, his eyebrows bowing as they tended to do constantly these days. "I'll miss you too, Wells."
"Do you know the plan?" she asked, getting down to business before she threw herself on the ground and refused to leave. "When everyone wakes up you'll tell them the sniper got me, that he'd moved and I didn't realise. Say it was a head shot and that I didn't feel it at all."
"Quick and painless," Gene confirmed, mustering a low, bitter laugh. "You're gonna break their hearts, Wells."
"I know." It was almost too much to bear, being loved so much. She wondered whether this would all have been easier if they hadn't loved her at all. A pyrrhic victory. She'd found herself another family but at what ungodly cost?
In another moment she threw her arms around Gene's neck, burying her face into his shoulder. "I'm going to miss you so much, Gene," she confessed, her sobs working their way into her words.
"I know," he assured her, rubbing her back. "I'm gonna miss you, too." He heaved a sigh. "Look after yourself, alright?"
"I will," she said, then laughed. "Or, I'll try, at least." An idea hit her and she pulled back suddenly. Her hands went to her dog tags and she slipped them out from beneath her ODs before breaking two off. "Here," she said, and sniffled as she handed them to him. "One is for Winters for paperwork purposes and the other is for you. They've got the address of my home in Boston on them and I might go over there, after the war. I'd really like it if you'd write to me eventually, but I'd understand if you didn't. I want you to keep it, either way."
And that was it. That was the last of what she had to say. As Gene assured her that he'd keep it and he'd write, Posey shot a glance through the trees at the foxholes she'd left behind. She'd need to get a move on before someone woke up, especially Bill. But how hard it was to leave him behind. How hard it was to leave them all behind, after everything.
Posey hugged Gene one final time and held on tight, trying to lock the feeling into her memory. One day her heart wouldn't be so broken to think of all she'd had to do to survive during the war, but for now she'd have to bear it, have to walk around with a heart that beat in her chest against its will.
"Look after yourself," she said into his shoulder.
"You too," he replied.
She smiled. Pulling back, she held onto his hands and tried to make herself remember his face forever, even as sad as he looked gazing back at her.
"Bye," she whispered, her throat getting tight.
Gene nodded, his bottom lip quivering just slightly. "Bye."