SANTANA
I sat on the couch of hotel waiting for my brother to say something. When I finally looked at him, he seemed completely unbothered. I scoffed looking at my other brothers who seemed just as confused as I was.
"I'm not asking you again Sedric"
"I can't give you answers I don't know" he shook his head "You worried about the wrong shit anyway. Our sister just—"
"I don't care!"
"That's the fucking problem! You don't care! All you care about us your fucking self! You love to talk about family and loyalty but look how the fuck you act! I can't even be mad at Jewel. She's fucking right! I'm not finna sit her and baby sit your fucking feelings! You supposed to be the big brother! We supposed to look up to you! But I don't even want to be near you!" He stood up "Feel how you want! Cut me off! I'm not being a disappointment to the man that raise me anymore! That's all we are! All we've been! And I'm done! You didn't see her! Y'all never saw shit! But I'm not a fucking kid no more San!"
The room was silent as we stared into each other's eyes. I didn't move. I was pissed but I knew he needed to say what he felt. I sat back nodding with a shrugged.
"You not a kid. So do you bro"
"I really hope this ain't our last conversation but I can't be mad if it is" he shook his head "I love you bro. But I'm done with this shit. Until we can fix shit as a fucking family. I'm out"
Sedric walked out letting the door slam behind him. I shook my head grabbing my glass of crown. Semaj scoffed before getting up and going after him. It was nothing new for Sedric to blow up and Semaj to talk him down. I wasn't about to give into one of Sed'a tantrum, especially over Sincere. I looked over to Samir who was deep in thought.
"Speak your mine Mir" I sat back again
"Nothing" he sighed "Guess I'm just curious what ole girl meant?"
"I am too" I sighed "I don't see the big fucking issue. We suppose to be making this money doing what we do. All this extra shit" I shook my head "This why I didn't want her involved"
"San come on. You and I both saw the videos of her being carried out unconscious. Something's going on with Sincere.... I might not like her little friend.... but maybe Sed is right. Maybe it's time we talk. We grown now"
"And I'm too fucking grown to be babying a grown ass woman. Sincere being playing the victim for years. She was bad as hell. She lashed out when pops passed and never stopped. She was living reckless back then. Was fighting mama and we didn't know shit about it. I'm not finna bow to no bitch that fought my mama"
He shook his head "She was a kid though Santana..."
"Whatever"
"I'm just saying.... I don't know how to feel in all this either. I never did. I just.... I don't know this is a fucking lot. We look like the family that got everything going for ourselves but we can't even be in a room together"
Before I could respond Semaj walked back in alone. We both held confused faces as he sat back down with a huff.
"Where---"
"He's serious San" he shook his head "He went to his apartment and he's probably gone check on Sin before he go home for the night. He not coming back to talk. He said he's not flying back home. Sed is serious"
"This is unbelievable"
"San you not understanding where he's coming from"
"I fucking tried to. Everybody want to treat Sincere like a fucking victim when she's not"
"But you don't know that!" Semaj raised his voice
"What you mean?" Samir sat forward "What you know Maj?"
"I don't know shit and that's what bothers me. I can't tell you shit about my own fucking sister. I can't tell you shit about her life after Pops died. We was never fucking there and when we were everybody was taking care of Mommy"
"Mommy---"
"Mommy did Sincere dirty we all know it" he shook his head "She hates that girl"
We were all silent. It was the elephant we left in the corner of the room. My mother wasn't perfect but she took care of all of us. Sincere was always acting out after our father died. She never listen and was always in some shit.
"Mommy didn't do shit to that girl but be a parent. She wanted to be wild and do whatever. Every time some shit went down it was SIncere"
"Be real Santana! For once! We never saw Sin do anything bad. Hell she never left her room when we were in the house. Mommy would say she did a bunch of stuff but nobody ever saw shit" he looked conflicted "Then the shit Sed remember?"
"What shit?" Mir asked
"He just talks about remember her mistreating Sincere no matter what she did. Saying foul shit all the time. He remember taking Sincere to the hospital for shit and never getting a reason why. He said Mommy just swept it under the rug and Sincere never told him what happen"
"San did you know?"
"Know what?"
"About this?"
I sighed "I don't know what Sed remembering. What I remember is Mommy struggling to raise us without Pops. I remember her calling me crying every fucking day because she was losing her shit. I remember every call somehow Sincere always did or said something that broke her down. Yall didn't have to hear that shit! I did!"
"This too fucking much" Samir got up "I'm going to sleep"
"I'm just saying Santana" Semaj stood up as well "Maybe it's time to hash this shit out like a family. Shit it might be too late but at least we can say we tried"
Once they were gone, I sat back and thought about everything my brothers said. I was pissed off and didn't want to be bothered dealing with it but I couldn't shake it. Everyone painted SIncere to be the innocent child but she wasn't. The minute we moved to Atlanta she was starting trouble. The school was calling our mom every fucking day and meeting every week. She got put out of two schools in two months. She was always running around the streets staying out for hours. She was just always in some shit. The older she got the worst it got. She even moved in with a fucking drug dealer. The last straw was her trying to fight our mother. I will never overlook that shit. I will never forgive the shit she put our mother through. People act like I was wrong and to be honest I hated how I felt about my own sister but I couldn't shake it. I couldn't let it go. She knew better and she wasn't going to keep speak down on my family for people to believe her bullshit lies. I wasn't finna let her ruin everything we built as a family. It wasn't going to happen. I shook it off deciding to go to bed.
************************
I woke up in a room sitting at a table. I was confused and disoriented. A door on the other side of the table opened and I had to blink. I couldn't believe my eyes.
"Pops" my voice shook as tears filled my eyes
"Santana" he smiled "Come here"
I got up slowly still trying to process my thoughts. Before I knew it I was in front of him. My hands shook as I reached out to touch him. I instantly fell into his arm hugging him and crying. I knew it couldn't be real but I hadn't seen my father since I was twenty-one. And the longer he held me the more real it felt.
"Ho-how?"
"Well I been needing to talk to you for some time but you've been so shut off. Something's different now... you're worried about her"
He step back and sat down. I sat beside him not sure what to say.
"It's okay to be worried. You're supposed to worry about them. All of them. Especially her"
"You don't know what it's been like pops" I sniffled "You was gone and everything went crazy. Mommy..." I shook my head "She couldn't handle that grief. Then Sincere was hell after you died"
"Was she?" He questioned "Or was everything she did somehow bad because of what happen to me?"
"No—"
"Be honest with yourself Santana. I know how you really feel" he sighed shaking his head "I hate watching it. Nothing that happen to me was Sincere's fault"
"Yes it was! If she would've just listen—"
"So what was she supposed to do?! You don't even know why she called me! None of you do! Did you even ask? Have you ever thought about how she felt?"
"I'm sorry" I shook my head "But I can't pops! She's not the little girl she used to be"
"Of course not. She had to grow up at 11 years old Santana. She had to fend for herself. You know it. But you let misguiding feels that your mother encourage build hate for your sister when she needed you more than anybody"
I cried not knowing what to say.
"Santana you had me. Had me for twenty-one years. And I wish I could've stayed with you longer but that wasn't in the plan... But I got to watch everything you did in life and death... Sincere, Sedric they didn't get that. At least Sedric had you. I can't tell you everything Santana. It's not for me to say. But the pain your sister has endured" he shook his head "No one should have had to face. Especially not alone. I can't make you do anything son.... but please open your eyes. Seek out the truth and do everything you can to move forward the right way"
"I don't know if I can Pops..."
"Why are you fighting this so hard?"
"I already lost you... I can't..."
"No one should make you choose between loving them and loving your sister... no one"
"Pop—"
"I can't stay long and I don't know if I'll be back" he gave me a sad smile "But remember what I said. Your sister needs all of you. Don't wait to late" he stood up "And my grand daughter beautiful"
I smiled through the tears as he walked back through the door. As it closed everything slowly went back.
************************
I woke up in a cold sweat. It felt like I couldn't breath. I looked around and I was still in my hotel laying beside Jovia who was sound asleep. My hands shook and I couldn't catch my breath. I got out the bed and went to the balcony for some fresh air. It was still dark and the breeze was freezing but it was the only thing that help me calm down. Everything my father said played in my head again. I didn't know how to feel or what to do. I went and grab a blunt before sitting in the cold smoking it.
•••••••••••••••••••••
I walked into the hotel 's small conference room. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to do this but I hadn't been able to talk to Sedric in days and I was tired of it. It wasn't long before the doors open and Samir and Semaj walked in. They looked confused but I didn't want to explain until everybody was here. We talked about business stuff happening for us for a few minutes before the doors open again. Sedric walked in first but Sincere was not far behind him. They sat down across from Samir and Semaj with Sedric beside me.
"What's going on?" Samir asked first
"Yall want to hash this shit out. Let's do it. We got business to handle. So whatever you gotta say" I looked at Sincere "Say it"
"I don't have anything to say to you" She spoke, her voice void of emotions "Sedric's going to do the show as planned and so will I. I want nothing to do with you. I'm simply here because my brother asked me to be"
"Sincere please" Semaj leaned forward "We trying to understand and figure this shit out. Pushing us away won't help"
"Aye let me talk to Sincere" I sighed remembering my dream
"Hell no" Semaj and Sedric said together
"Yall gone kill each other"
"We not" I rolled my eyes "Just give us a minute"
"Sin?" Sedric ask
She shrugged but didn't speak. I waited until they all left the room before I looked at her. She was off into space as if she wasn't even paying attention to what was going on. I moved so I was sitting in front of her and her eyes moved to me. Neither of us spoke so I decide to go first.
"I know.... I know you hate me"
"I don't hate you.... I wish I did but I don't" she shrugged still speaking in a flat tone "I don't like you but I could never hate you"
I was surprised but I nodded "I don't know how we supposed to fix this shit Sincere"
"Do you even want to?"
"Honestly I don't know...."
"Why do you hate me?"
I stay silent thinking about her question. The real question was did I really hate her.
"I don't hate you Sincere....I can't deal with you but I don't hate you"
"Why?" She pushed "Just say it. You never said it but I know. Just admit it. Your mother already has. Every day for six years. Be honest and say it"
"Sin---"
"Say it!"
"Sincere---"
"Admit it!"
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CALL?!" My fist slammed on the table "IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN---"
I stopped talking to calm down. I shook my head wiping my eyes feeling the tears weld up. I didn't want to talk anymore. It felt pointless. I might not hate her... but it was her fault. Everything always comes back to her.
"You say you don't hate me... but you still blame me. You don't want to 'fix' anything with me. You just don't want to lose Sedric...The truth is you don't want the answers. You just want to be able to hate me in peace" she stood up "Don't worry I hate me enough for the both of us. You blame me for Daddy dying. You all blame me. Wanted me to suffer? To die?"
"Sin---"
"Its okay. I've wanted to die since I woke up alone" she shrugged "I've been suffering for years brother dear. You should be happy. You think this shit makes up for everything I went through.... go through? This shit does nothing. I walk around waiting to die every day. Praying that today will be the day I don't wake up. That when I close my eyes and see my Daddy.... he'll finally say we can go home together" I watched the tears roll down her face that still was blank "But that's my punishment. Being stuck in this fucked up world where bullshit after bullshit has been happening since I woke the fuck up"
She shook her head and started to leave. She stopped at the door looking back at me.
"Can you be happy with that? Now you know. Can just.... be happy with that. I got enough demons fighting me.... can you just sit this one out"
We were both silent. She wiped her face before putting on some shades and walking out. I wasn't sure how to feel. Something just wasn't sitting right. There was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind... in my soul that wasn't okay. I hated it. She was right. I should just leave it alone and let her be... but something was telling me I was missing something and I couldn't shake it.