◤
Some things should be experienced once. They should remain the first and only moment you'll ever encounter them. Special and unreachable. Precious and treasured.
Jungkook was that memory to Jimin.
Familiar yet distinct. A bizarre coincidence. A story untold.
As unexplainable as the impression he had left, Jimin never wanted to find the answers or trace the rippling effect that stirred his emotions. Because some things were beautiful mysterious, enthralling beyond reach.
That's why, when he finds the man standing feet apart from himself in his garden, real and absolute, Jimin feels fear. Ever so slowly, fate strips the pink layers off of his memories, leaving the bitter aftertaste of disappointment that Jimin was running from.
Maybe that's why he treats Jungkook with chagrin when the man reappears at his door the very next morning. He is holding flowers and Jimin is not stupid enough to not understand that they are for him. But he resists. He doesn't like to have mood swings; they leave him immobile. He doesn't like people who act unpredictably; they leave him confused.
And that's when he meets the determination in Jungkook's eyes.
"I promise I'm not here convince you to do anything."
I back came for you.
"I just wanted to apologize."
I hurt you.
"I know it was really stupid to come and ask you a favor like that without considering how detrimental it would be for you, taking part in such a project."
I was wrong.
"Um, do you want to go that coffee shop in front of the park?"
Let me make it right.
Jimin finds out at that moment for the first time, that there are certain special memories — they only get better as you revisit them.
◢
◤
It's been a while since Jimin has become greedy about something.
He is more of a backdrop for other more important people, events and things to shine. He is an essential part of the picture but he goes unnoticed, like it is a given that he will be there unconditionally.
Well, he will be there at the end of the day no matter what, but for once, he wants the lead role.
He likes the trailer, but he wants to live in a flat. He likes his jobs, but he wants to have a profession he is good at. He likes his town, but he wants to know what it's like to feel like a dot in a big city. He likes his routine, but he wants to be part of something bigger.
He is tired of being low-maintenance. He is tired of being content with what he has.
He doesn't expect Jungkook or his team to understand why he takes advantage of their trust in him. He doesn't even devise a plausible excuse to give or an apology to make in case he is ashamed of his sudden attack. It won't hold a significance if he ends up calling the shots anyway.
Be shameless, he reminds himself, I have to. I don't have the luxury to be the good guy today. If I do that, I'll regret not choosing myself tomorrow.
It's a cheap move. It's nasty to makes promises and use them against people at times they are most helpless. He hates himself when Jungkook's eyes lock into his, when he figures out that Jimin lied to him.
He probably won't trust anything that comes out of Jimin's mouth ever again. It's not like Jimin was planning to keep in touch anyway, but... but he still didn't want to be remembered this way by him.
He, too, wished to be a special memory.
◢
◤
For whatever reason, Jungkook keeps coming back.
He finds Jimin at the most random places.
He manages to squeeze himself into the moment and traps Jimin in a conversation, story, joke or just... his eyes. God, Jimin must be out of his fucking mind. He is there again, failing to keep a straight face as the young man does something unbearably silly — like making him close his eyes and count to fifteen to clean the mess in his living room, or feeding him ice cream from the passenger seat, or... asking him on a date.
"I think you are very beautiful," Jungkook delivers right into his soul, gaze unwavering as he caresses Jimin's cheek.
Even this is too much from someone Jimin is about to turn down a minute later, but he lets Jungkook make him blush and look at him like he is ready to fall already. Because Jungkook doesn't just compliment, he compliments Jimin. He doesn't just flirt, he flirts with Jimin, like his words wouldn't make sense in no shape or form if they were uttered to someone else.
But Jungkook has no idea who Jimin is, and probably wouldn't be this careless about asking someone like Jimin out. He is young and handsome; he has a great future ahead of him. He would easily pick up anybody, he would easily be happier than with Jimin.
So Jimin swallows the lump in his throat and tries not to let the blues and greys paint his features. He puts on a smile and retreats from the sparkles, lets the world settle back into its colors, lets gravity click back into its place.
It's time for him to step back to his place in the backdrop.
He'll treasure this memory too. Even if it lasted shorter than he wished for, it was still nice to be someone's main lead. Don't call him pathetic, but it was even better because that someone was Jeon Jungkook.
Jimin smiles, lingering his eyes an extra second at the figure of the young man gathering the dessert plate he knocked off inside the coffee shop. A calm but fresh breeze combs through Jimin's hair then, making his eyelashes flutter and his hands tighten around the straps of his backpack.
It always appears when Jungkook is around, Jimin's favorite type of weather.
◢
◤
"Ha, I predicted it! What did I tell you guys?!"
"It doesn't count!"
"Mah, are you calling Monster Pitcher a feud?!"
"Aboji, you know we're gonna take the win anyway!"
"Hush, all of you! You're hurting my ladybug's ears, isn't it Byeongie-ah? Aren't they too loud, auntie's ladybug?"
"Just wait and see! Byeongie is gonna be a baseball player like his Ru Hyun-jin uncle! Ha ha ha!"
"My Park Byeongie is going to become a lawyer. He won't have time to run after some stupid ball."
Jimin can't stop giggling around a cracker as Sungwoon family bickers as usual, this time about a baseball game that plays on TV. As usual, Sungwoon is supporting the opposite team as his father's. He loves teasing his dad to the point that the man curses, a loud ruckus breaking out when his mom tells them off for tainting Byeong's ears with filth.
They are a lovely family. They have always been supportive of Jimin, but incredibly so after Byeong's birth. Besides independent treats, they invite Jimin and Byeong over for dinner every once in a while, and insist that the two stay until late night with them and participate in their family time. They either watch a show or a game, but Jimin prefers watching their interactions the most — the chaotic and rambunctious bickering.
He already proposed this many times: if they live stream their commentary through KakaoTalk or any other live streaming platform, they will get rich in like three episodes or something.
Just then, his phone buzzes on his back pocket.
His first reflex is to pick the call, assuming it's aunt Yumi. She was also invited but she skips half of the time because she can't take all the noise Sungwoon's family makes. They do get along, but aunt Yumi is more of a let's-converse-over-tea type. She is probably calling to ask Jimin something about an errand or more likely, the time they are coming back since she doesn't feel comfortable sleeping alone (meaning, when Jimin and Byeong aren't around).
Jimin nearly chokes on his cracker when he realizes that the caller is Jungkook.
"I-I'll be back in a bit," he informs and runs to put on his shoes, waving sheepishly at the dumbfounded family members and Byeong on the aunt's lap before jogging down the stairs of the house.
He takes a breath at the pavement outside, trying to collect himself before he answers his still ringing phone.
"Come to my dance practice this week," Jungkook says the first thing. "I'm good enough to show you now."
Jimin stutters for a second, a laugh washing over him when he processes the invitation. He thinks about what to say, whether to immediately accept it because he isn't sure what good watching Jungkook dance will do him. Seriously, he has a habit of not being able to contain himself when the younger man is around. This might just trigger further measures.
Just a couple days ago, he cried — well, sort of cried — thanking Jungkook for confessing to him. Gosh, he is such a silly billy. Why did he do that again?
"You really remember promising me that?" he settles with saying, sitting down on the pavement slowly. He crosses his legs, picking at a string on the hole of his ripped jeans.
"Course I did, hyung. Thought I'd forget?"
A smile spreads over Jimin's face uncontrollably. No, he didn't think Jungkook would forget. He just thought... that maybe he could convince himself that Jungkook wasn't interested anymore if he were to skip a detail, miss something, whatever it is that it might be when it comes to Jimin.
Because Jungkook is like a memory card, trying to gather pieces of Jimin together to make up his mental map of him. Jimin notices it because he does it deliberately. Leaves his stories incomplete, tabs on page breaks when he starts an account, meshes up its and bits to give Jungkook somewhat of himself.
It's the best he can give for now.
He doesn't mind Jungkook's existence, no. On the contrary, he enjoys spending time with him, even if it's five minutes over the phone like they have done every day this week. Jungkook is a cute dongsaeng, way over his head and too curious for his own good. Jimin doesn't mind squishing him into the empty cracks of his calendar.
He hopes they stay as close and as far as they are. It sounds a little impossible even in his own head but... It doesn't matter, it can't. End of rant.
"You know, I thought you'd be shy for some reason. But yeah," Jimin licks his lips, letting his head fall sideways as he takes in the quiet street. He is really going to agree? Fuck– "I'll come watch."
Uh... his eyes fall shut in defeat, Jungkook's impatient voice ringing on the other side of the line.
"You free tomorrow at 2 p.m.?"
He is so adorable Jimin can't help but laugh to himself.
"That soon," he takes a moment to think it over. He could, if he really wanted to. But he needs at least another day to mentally prepare himself to see him. "I'm afraid I can't make it tomorrow Jungkookie," he ends up mumbling.
He hates to turn him down, for whatever purpose. He can almost see the pout on the younger man's lips. It's nearly frustrating.
"Why?" Jungkook asks, nosy as always.
Jimin makes up an excuse, delaying their meeting. It's not a lie entirely but you know, he tweaked the finer details.
Then he notices a problem with Jungkook's spelling, which reveals to be due to him drinking. On a weekday night!
"Go sleep, sillyface," Jimin is scolding him but his voice is caressing the air like butter on the bread. "Go sleep, Jungkook. I'll give you a call to make sure you wake up."
He freezes then, barely present the rest of their conversation.
He stands up, hands stuck dumbly in the air.
"Wait," he blinks attentively even though he is not particularly looking anywhere. "Why did I say that?" A laugh punches his guts. "Why would I wake him up for his class? Why would I do that?"
It's not a difficult question. He'd answer this first and all the others next if he were sitting an exam right now. The answer is there, at the tip of his tongue, taking the elevator to the surface of his consciousness when Jimin jumps in place to stop it from getting there.
"I'm serving the greater good!" he defends himself to the tree at the opposite pavement. "Yeah, it would be terrible if we let alcohol get in the way of people's normal functioning. This is basically," he puts his weigh on a hip, scoffing cockily, "activism."
God, it sounds so terrible but that's how desperate Jimin is. Please understand.
He nearly topples on his own feet when a throat is cleared from the back. Sungwoon watching him with amusement in his eyes, Byeong in his arms.
"All good?" his friend asks, not moving. Jimin takes longer than usual to gather himself together (did he hear any of that shit talk?!), smiling abruptly as Sungwoon approaches him, handing Byeong over.
"Yeah," Jimin accommodates him in his arms, giving him a kiss on the cheek and checking his face to make sure he is okay.
"He says he wants to sleep."
"Oh, yeah," Jimin nods, brushing his son's arm as the little boy hugs his neck and nuzzles into him. "It's pretty late."
"Mmhm," Sungwoon sing-songs, stuffing his hands in his pockets and doing the street a once-over. He smiles when he meets Jimin's eyes again, amusement returning to his orbs.
"What?"
"What?" Sungwoon laughs playfully, shaking his head like there is nothing wrong even though he is being pretty obvious. He is that one person whose badinage you avoid shall you have something to hide. Not that Jimin has anything to hide...
"What is that expression on your face?" Jimin laughs too, much more shyly. He is hugging Byeong closer too, now. It has nothing to do with him being defensive.
"Mine or yours?" Sungwoon raises his eyebrows. Jimin panics just a little. What did he figure out that he possibly can't know?
"M-my expression?" he passes the back of his fingers through his cheek to make sure there aren't crumbs or anything funny sitting around.
"Yeah," Sungwoon says with a lower voice, pressing his lips to keep himself from smiling wider. "You're blushing."
Jimin is sure Sungwoon just added to it, if it was there in the first place, because now he can physically feel heat rush to his cheeks. He... he is probably cold or something. He probably needs a jacket and his awesome friend is mocking him instead of offering–
"Who was that?" Sungwoon breaks into laughter finally, pushing Jimin around as the blonde man's jaw hangs open in embarrassment. "YOU ARE SEEING SOMEONE AND HIDING FROM YOUR BEST BUD, PARK JIMIN?!"
Jimin gasps shooketh, rushing to shut him up before he wakes up the entire neighborhood but his friend is relentless, teasing him until Jimin is a laughing mess too. It's not like Jimin can stop him with Byeong in his arms, or else he'd know how to put that dumbass back to his place with a woof punch and a shoof kick, you know!
"Get your shit together, Ha Sungwoon!" Jimin points at him as he starts taking steps backward, whining when Sungwoon keeps shouting.
"BYEONGIE YOU HEARD WHAT YOU DADA SAID? SHIIIIIII–"
He is so damn unstoppable that Jimin has no choice but to escape. He promises to get him back but tonight, he'll wrap his arms around Byeong and run through the blocks all the way home, the little one stirring out of his sleepy state and giggling with him as they do.
Jimin is out of breath when they reach the gate of their house, his legs nearly giving out when he comes to a stop.
"Dada," Byeong calls for him softly.
"Tell me, doll," Jimin sits him back and looks at his droopy eyes and the sloppy smile sitting on his lips. He can't help but smile at the adorable sight, caressing Byeong's hair as they stare at each other. "Hm?" he chuckles quietly, breaths evening out.
Byeong squeezes his shoulders, blinking innocently at Jimin. "I just low yu."
This for, Jimin tries so hard every day.
His eyes are somewhat teary as he presses a kiss to his son's forehead. "I love you too, baby. Love you too," another kiss. "Love you," another kiss. "Love you, love you, love you," kisses, kisses, kisses.
When a minute or so passes, he rubs his boy's back, pushing the door open.
"Shall we get some sleep so we can wake Ggukie early in the morning?"
"Cookie?"
"Uh... yeah. Chocolate chip cookies, your favorite."
"My fawowite."
"Your favorite, sweetie. Come on, help me take off your shoes."
"My toey huwts, dada."
"Really? Which one? Your pinky?"
"Yeah..."
"For real? But we just got these shoes... Hey, hey, it's okay, I'll take them off. Stay still, baby."
"Can I sweep with Miss. Ducky dada?"
"Hmm, we have to see if ducky is back from vacation."
"She is cwean now."
"That's right. You did such – wah, someone's getting heavier – such a good job giving her a bath yesterday."
"With soap and wadaw!"
"Does it hurt when I press here?"
"Uh-uh."
"Here–"
"Umh it huwts..."
"Aw, daddy will put cream on it so that it gets better, okay? Just a second, lemme get it for you."
...
...
...
"Byeong? Byeongie? Did you sleep?"
...
...
...
"Tsh, you cute winter bear."
◢
◤
Jimin likes the way Jungkook looks at him, the way he sometimes can't stop looking at him. He likes to stare back, occasionally, checking if Jungkook's eyes are still on his face. Times like that it's really hard to not assign meaning to their speechless exchanges. It's hard to play pretends in his mind when Jungkook keeps bringing him back to the main stage, when Jimin's skin glows like fairy lights from the goosebumps he gets, from how alive he feels there.
He gets shy when Jungkook sits in front of him with his chin tucked over his palms, head cocked to the side as he listens to Jimin talk. He feels defenseless when those eyes dig into his, culling Jimin's secrets like the easiest thing in the world to do. That day at the warehouse restaurant, Jimin ends up revealing his jobs and his life in the trailer... even a little bit about aunt Yumi.
He has a feeling Jungkook figured him out. The funny thing is that he is okay with being figured out now, because Jungkook has a beautiful way of handling him. Occasionally, Jimin catches himself treating the young man like a baby, like cleaning his mouth with a napkin and petting his hair. Then again, he doesn't stop himself, because Jungkook has a beautiful way of letting Jimin do his thing on him.
Perhaps because Jimin dealt heavily with the concept of hurting, he has the biggest soft spot for Jungkook. He sees a younger, more naïve version of himself in the man, struggling in a city away from his parents. Jungkook is someone who puts work into everything he does, from his studies to the mascot show. He has expectations from himself and the tendency to fall into a negative loop if he isn't motivated to go on.
It's the feeling of being locked inside your own house — it used to shelter you from the cold world but now it keeps you from going out at all. You're trapped.
Jimin doesn't want the mascot experience to be a painful one for Jungkook, because he knows how excited the young man was about it in the beginning. There are personal fears that motivate Jimin to support Jungkook so much in his journey too, since he has selfish ends attached to Jungkook's success in some manner, but his concern for the man goes beyond worrying.
Jimin cares about him, wants him to be okay.
So, he throws the last ounce of caution left inside when Jungkook looks at him, eyeballs shaking nervously, pinks decorating his cheeks, and says:
"You are like a source of light... Like a gigantic ball of glow. When you are by my side I feel powerful, like I can do anything I want, you know?"
The next morning Jimin wakes up in the crack of the dawn and squats in front of Avocado until the barista arrives to unlock the shop.
"Do you do coffee truck for events?" he asks, impatiently hopping on his tippy toes. "I need to make someone's day."
◢
◤
Things entangle on the night of the mascot show.
Jimin loses himself in the crowd cheering for Jungkook, and laughs endlessly at the celebration dinner with all the team members. Secret Services is like a combo of bread, butter and sprinkles. The idea of it doesn't sit quite right, but it sorta melts in your mouth when you take a bite.
Jimin hasn't met such an interesting group of people but he has come to embrace them wholeheartedly. He is grateful that they weren't rude to him after his spontaneous Student Body Presidency deal. They are funny and nice to be around even. Especially tonight that they are sharing a common victory, he can't help but love them entirely — or it's the alcohol talking. He is preeetty tipsy at this point.
Here is what Jimin feels about his drinking habits: disdain.
Not only does he laugh outrageously and lose his filter but he also remembers every shite he pulls off.
So yeah, Jimin is wondering, too, where he got the mad courage to get drunk in the roundabouts of Jungkook who already makes him trip on his feet on the sober daily. The thing is: Jimin is drunk enough on Jungkook's warmth to take alcohol seriously. Ha, alcohol is like... like voluminous liquid. It's fruit. It's fruit juice!
Plus, he likes it better when his worries can't find the right nodes to attach on his brain. He enters Jungkook's arm when they take a walk under the street lights of the spring night, lays his head on his shoulder with the excuse of feeling sleepy and hugs him as the younger man piggybacks him home.
The happiness is leaving him and he is feeling numb.
The neighborhood is quiet as lullaby, the night calm and gloomy.
Or maybe that's the state of Jimin's soul.
It found new meanings, made new discoveries, and it does not want to come back home.
He is hurting. His heart is hurting and Jimin is helpless. He doesn't want to be left again. He doesn't want to be swallowed by the long and dark night. He doesn't want to look for another purpose.
These go to the cans box.
These go to the can'ts box.
There isn't another box, so make your choice. Stay if you can, don't if you can.
Life was simple.
Now paper rolls bounce from one box to the other and Jimin can't keep track of anything.
He was sure he could handle it, handle himself. He stuck by all his groundrules — then why, how did he end up here again?
He is aware of his abandonment issues. He hasn't seen his mom in ages and receives one-two letters per year if he is lucky, ever since she was imprisoned in Japan for treason short after Jimin turned seven. His father is another lemony tale; he had his right reasons to leave the city but not Jimin. His extended family doesn't bother with him, lost in the current of their lives, clueless of what Jimin is even up to. Baram, then, how should Jimin explain that farewell? It's best that he doesn't.
Jimin has been left all his life. Left alone, left behind, left out... just as many variations of the word you can produce, Jimin has been there, done that.
And he'll tell you what hurts the most about it: that people take a piece of you with them when they leave.
Be it your smile, your strength, your purpose. People break you, when they leave. And you are left to find a way of mending that emptiness inside and build yourself into a whole again.
Jimin doesn't know if he can go through that again.
"Don't let go, please," he asks of Jungkook when his grip loosens. "Not you too."
I'm sorry for dumping on you the scars that other people left on me. I'm sorry for falling for you even though I wasn't supposed to.
◢
◤
Adora sighs for the fifth time in a single minute, hovering over Jimin with her hands on her hips.
"So what are you going to do? You'll go?" she asks accusingly. Jimin doesn't have the energy to fight her. He blinks languish, turning his head to the opposite side of the bed. Adora clicks her tongue. "Yah, Park Jimin!"
"Go easy on him," Sungwoon interrupts upon the rise in tension, footsteps getting closer to the bed. "He is sick enough already."
"That's what I'm saying! Where would he go looking like a punchbag?"
Jimin shuts his eyes closed, a terrible headache pounding on the side of his head that's weighing on the pillow. It has gotten worser just by a couple high-pitched decibels of his female friend's voice — he is truly clueless about how he is going to handle an army of brats at the birthday party where he will be clowning later in the afternoon.
"I'll be fine, seriously," he says regardless, voice cracking through his sore throat. Fuck, he never had such a detrimental hangover.
His answer riles up Adora more, though. She stayed up with Jimin's drunk ass last night, listening to him rant about Jungkook. Jimin really did spoil her happy day by keeping her on the phone for his dumb, gosh, dumbest rants. He really, really wants to hit himself in the head. Maybe he is forcing his sick self to go to work as a punishment. Not only did he spend the entire night crying over the phone but he did it on the sofa in the garden, meaning, he woke up with a runny nose, sore throat and a pounding headache.
When Adora compared his state to that of a punching bag's, she wasn't entirely kidding.
"Call the kiddos' mama and tell her that you got into a car accident." The glares sent by the two men in her direction doesn't stop Adora from mangling an angry pout. "What? You don't see him? He might as well have been!"
Sungwoon sighs, putting his hand on her shoulder to soothe her down but Adora is irked by it so he ends up removing it. "I get where Jimin is coming from. How is he supposed to cancel on the day of the event?"
"It's Craigslist, Woon. If anybody has expectations, it's their fault."
The whine that comes out of Jimin's mouth manages to pause their conversation, his two friends looking at Jimin like he has four heads.
"It hurts, doesn't it?"
Jimin sucks on his lip, shaking his head despite the pain. Fuck, he is feeling so weak.
Adora starts again. "You should be resting all day, Jiminie. You're booked with jobs during the week, you need at least one day to get yourself together. At least this Sunday. You're not just hungover, you got the flu, boo. Listen to me and cancel today."
She falls nothing short of adorable and Jimin loves her advice with all his heart, but he can't fall behind on schedule. If he slacks off one day, it means he'll want to slack off the entire week. He shouldn't be getting used to such privilege just because he has someone to look after him for the day.
When Adora understands that she won't be able to convince Jimin into staying in bed, she resorts to another plan.
"You got any gigs today?" she turns to Sungwoon.
"Nope," answers the man suspiciously.
"Great. You're going instead of Jimin."
Jimin tries to leap off the bed and stop her, but in a matter of seconds, Sungwoon is dragged out of the trailer with a costume box clutched in his hands, protests fading out as they get farther away from the garden.
For the rest of the day Adora takes care of Jimin and plays with Byeong when the toddler wants to hang out with them instead of aunt Yumi. It is hard to keep him at the house when he is aware of his father's presence in the trailer or the backyard anyway. They receive selfies from Sungwoon at the birthday party, making a loser's peace sign surrounded by kids who are hanging off of his legs. Jimin feels sorry for causing it, but he also finds it hilarious.
He'll make it up to Sungwoon some time.
"You know I will make you talk about last night, right?" Adora brings up the subject when she is feeding Jimin soup later that night. She cancelled all her plans just to stay with Jimin and help him feel better. Jimin feels so grateful that he can't find it in himself to be snarky, even about the subject.
"Yeah," he says, smiling small. It makes her smile too.
"No grumpy?"
It hurts his chest when Jimin laughs, but he can't help it. "I should take responsibility for it."
"Mmm," Adora brings another spoonful of soup to his mouth, her hand curled under it to prevent drips on the blanket. "Remind me to take advantage of your docility every time you are sick."
Jimin sips slowly, playful eyes leaving hers. He feels a lot better by the night. She was right about him needing to rest. She is always right about whatever Jimin needs that Jimin didn't know he needed.
"So you and Jungkook were hanging out..." she draws out, a little pointy. "But I guess it made sense that you kept it a secret."
"It was not a secret–cough!"
"Hey, take it easy," she taps his shoulder as Jimin coughs until he can't, leaning back on the headrest tiredly. It's like his lungs are full of venom. Of course, this is what happens when he doesn't drink for an entire year and then intoxicates himself with loads of soju, only to abandon his body in the garden.
Adora gets the food tray out of the way, understanding that Jimin won't be eating anymore. She returns with a pill for Jimin to take later and coffee for herself, taking a seat on the empty side of the bed with her legs crossed. "I'm kind of excited."
Jimin's eyebrows twitch, planting his arm at the back of his head for leverage as he watches her. "For what?"
"You and Jungkook," she giggles sneakily when Jimin rolls his eyes, yet smiling. "Come on, you like him. It's cute. It's the first time you've liked someone. I bet he likes you too."
Jimin stays puts, swallowing as his eyes fall to the sheets. Jungkook did like him. He is not sure about now. It's not like it matters anyway. Jimin isn't planning on liking anyone.
"He does?!"
Jimin laughs tiredly. "Adora."
"I'm just saying, he is a good guy. I thought your type was a little different, though, which did surprise me a little."
Jimin ignores everything else but what he can use to dodge the subject. "And what is my type, exactly?"
"Manly. Sexy. Strong."
Jimin giggles.
It's not a lie that he loves a manly, sexy and strong man. Well, at least he knows he will feel a little thirsty when he sees one, which is enough proof to assume he likes macho males. That being said, Jimin appreciates depth to a person. Meaning, manliness is sickening unless the person can show vulnerability; sexiness is cringey unless there is a softness to their intimate self; and strength is irrelevant if they don't know how to ask for help when they need it.
This is why Jimin can't have a type. Types tend to be overstated, just like the characteristics Adora mentioned in a bunch. Jimin likes balance.
"I guess I can be wrong too," Adora mumbles interestedly, making Jimin snort. "You surprise me, Park Jimin," she winks cutely, the cherry on the cake.
"I didn't even say anything."
"Of course," she nods long like she is honoring Jimin with his fair share of the virtue of rightness. "It's understandable that you don't have face to say more after the shit you said all night."
"Aaaah," Jimin throws his head back, whining in frustration as Adora dissolves into chuckles. "Aren't you gonna drop it off, ever?"
She does eventually, but not before smuggling information about what Jimin is planning to do with his little crush. There is no use of denying that he is attracted to Jungkook at this point, especially after he... sigh, confessed it to him or whatever (he will play dumb until his last breath). This is, however, the mark of what Jimin likes to call:
Intervention.
When life slaps the truth in your face to the point that you can't ignore it anymore, you have to make a choice: pursue or give it up.
Jimin has never been in the position to pursue. He doesn't see why this time should be different. In fact, he'll wanton away from Jungkook because he likes him.
◢
◤
But fate has different plans for Jimin.
For one, it brings Taehyung back into his life.
For two, it intertwines his path even more with Jungkook's.
His week is shit due to the sickness that follows him everywhere, he can't care for Byeong properly and has his friends help him out with a lot of the cooking and cleaning, he gets contacted by his aunt who he disdains strongly, and he has Jungkook bonding with Taehyung because Jimin is failing greatly to hold his roof together.
Now not only is his intervention thrown out of the window, but Jimin actually owes Jungkook.
It must be karma for ghosting on him, because Jungkook came back stronger than ever, playing Superman for Jimin who has no choice but to let him with a sickening adoration. He is a soul who gets better by the day — it's like he has numbers up his sleeve and he deliberately takes his time unveiling them to catch Jimin off-guard restlessly.
That's the thing with Jungkook... once Jimin gets a whiff of him, he gets greedy for more. He cares too much, feels too much, does too much.
He hates the dark circles under Jungkook's eyes that contrast the sparkles in his eyes. He risks his heart and steps close, cupping Jungkook's face and rubbing his thumbs over the purples coloring his skin. He wishes they disappeared hind his touch.
"Are you stressing over something? Is it Tae?" he asks airily. It happens whenever they are close like this, not finding his breath where it usually is.
"Midterms are around the corner. I've only started studying yesterday. It's taking a toll on me," Jungkook tells and somewhere along their conversation his hands find Jimin's wrists, thumbs rubbing soft circles on his skin.
He is doing that thing with his eyes again, where he locks Jimin into place and hypnotizes him. Jimin's heart is racing again. He is feeling warm all over. He can't focus on his decisions and promises. He just wants to stay here, close to him, where Jungkook can mold him into a calm ocean and start a thunderstorm at the same time.
If that distance between them was hard to take, the coming scene is hotter than hell. Jimin is trapped to the wall with Jungkook's lips hovering inches away from his... and they flirt.
"Why are you so annoying?"
"Because you seem to like it."
"You're very wrong about that, bunny man."
"Sure about that?"
No, no Jimin isn't sure about anything anymore. He is especially unsure about being able to sleep tonight. Not after a week of torturing himself with the thought of forgetting about Jungkook and being pressed into his warmth in the bat of an eye. It sounds like a movie you love watching for all the wrong reasons.
As long as his cousin is in the picture, Jimin finds even more reasons to see Jungkook, to the point that the young man becomes his guilty pleasure. Jimin dreams about him, loses focus of his tasks when Jungkook slips into his mind again, and gets a one-time boner fantasizing about him (he masturbated with the promise that he'd never do it again).
It has become harder to not think about Jungkook ever since Jimin decided he shouldn't.
It's... embarrassing.
He gets emotional the night they spend at Jungkook's rooftop. There is soju, there are fairy lights, there are the stars and there are Jungkook's arms. All around him, pulling him close to his chest and hugging him possessively, sliding his skin over Jimin's and leaving goosebumps in the awake.
"Do you know why I call you my muse?"
"Why?"
"Because you are my muse. From the moment you came into my life, everything... everything got better."
Fuck, Jimin wants him.
He wants Jeon Jungkook to himself.
He wants to be the only person Jungkook calls his muse like that, the only one he speaks to this softly, and the only one he seeks for every single time.
He wants him so fucking bad that it's overpowering his body. It's making Jimin wrap his arms around Jungkook's waist and hide his face on his chest. It's making him want to cry, to ask to never be left like that other time. His heart stops when Jungkook hands roll around his body and press him so close that he can't breathe like he heard Jimin, helpless against an overwhelming force that makes him submit.
There is only the sound of Jungkook's racing heart under Jimin's ear, the hotness of his skin and the whisper of the breeze. It's here again, perfect timing. Jungkook is not a dream at this moment, he is real and Jimin is in his arms. He is holding Jimin so tight that he feels like he would never fall if Jungkook held him like this every second of every day, every second of every night.
Fuck.
Jimin is so gone.
Jungkook senses Jimin tense up for a second and starts working his magic immediately, knowing so well how to draw him out of his thoughts and make him focus only on himself, on them. His hand slides over Jimin's arm soothingly, fingers brushing on Jimin's neck before they dive into his hair, carding slowly.
Jimin's throat is dry and he is reminded of last week when he was sick, though this time he doesn't want to heal or get better. He wants to be sicker, lost and needy, just so Jungkook gives him all his attention, all of it. He closes his eyes and nearly purrs when Jungkook's other arm on Jimin's waist holds him tighter, not leaving a space where their bodies don't connect.
Is this what it's like to be with someone?
Is this what commitment feels like?
Why does it feel so good?
Why does it last so short?
Jimin doesn't want to let go of Jungkook's hands when they are standing by the building. He doesn't want his eyes to lose the sight of him.
"You sure you don't need to me help you home?" Jungkook asks him, looking equally messed up, tightening his hands inside Jimin's when the older man attempts to loosen his grip.
Jimin bites his lip and looks at him longingly. The only thing I want you to do right now is kiss me, he wants to say. He knows Jungkook won't, but he wishes he did. They can fight later. They are tipsy, they have a lot to blame for later but for now... can't he just pull Jimin flush and kiss the hell out of his lips?
Jimin would really let out a whine if he hadn't forced himself to step away instead.
He is not even in the process of, but is a finger snap away from losing the last ounce of self-control he has reserved.
◢
◤
A full week.
That's all it takes for Jimin to receive his wake-up call.
Adora makes an unexpected visit Friday night. There is a furrow in her brows and Jimin can't get past an insincere smile that hangs over her lips. She is only trying to be kind, but Jimin knows there is something bothering her. He is afraid he is the cause of it, even though he doesn't remember doing anything particularly wrong.
"I listened to a break-up story today," she says, finally when the air is silent, gaze on her palms.
Jimin waits a beat before asking, careful. "It made you sad?"
The first genuine smile of the night appears on her lips, something akin to fondness flowing with it. "No," her voice caresses the air. "It was really nice."
Jimin smiles too, leaning on the couch with his hands until his shoulders reach his ears. "What about it?"
Adora shrugs, still in deep thoughts. Even though she is here it feels like her soul still wanders at that very place she came from. "The person who told it, I realized what a sweetheart he was," she finally looks up, meeting Jimin's gaze. "Because he talked about the person who broke his heart with fascination in his eyes."
Jimin hums, nodding interestedly. He is thinking about a question when Adora continues.
"He didn't blame them. He didn't even mention a bad trait about them," an airy breath escapes her lips. "Like he was grateful for them even though they didn't love him back."
Something gets caught on Jimin's throat when he sees her vision blur with tears. Someone was powerful and kind enough to touch Adora's heart tonight.
"And then I thought about how lucky you were," Adora bites her bottom lip, a single tear sliding down her cheek as he looks at Jimin. Holding his breath, Jimin clings to her orbs, his heart beating on his chest for an unknown reason. "Because there is someone who is going to talk about you with twinkles in his eyes, even if you break his heart."
Jimin stays still on spot, feeling time slow down ever so slowly. He feels the breeze caress through his skin, his blinks soft-pedal, and a warmth settle on his cheeks.
Because he knows a person like that too.
"Can you not love him?" Adora's voice cracks as she asks, and it's so close to a please that it hurts Jimin. He has never seen her like this.
The corner of Jimin's bottom lip crawl under his teeth, eyes sliding to the sky to breathe from the surplus of emotions. He waits a little before checking his throat for a sound, risking broken records as he answers quietly.
"If I love him, I'll hurt him."
"How?" she pushes almost defensively, like she knew this was coming.
"I'm nothing but trouble," Jimin sniffles, though there is more conviction to his tone. He is angry internally, at the way life managed to bring him to this point, but he has also accepted his unfair fate. There is no use of hoping for the better because it won't get better.
"Jimin–"
"He is going to regret it!" Jimin declares, his voice raising with it. "You think dating is all fun and games because you don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone like me!" his words get caught on his throat and something akin to a sob echoes in the awakening of his truths. "I can't ruin his life, not because I feel greedy about mine."
Adora lets her head fall down, sighing hugely.
She doesn't get it; she can never get it. The most she knows about Jimin's life is the much that he tells him, the much that she sees of it.
Dating a single dad means not being the priority of your boyfriend. It means listening to child-rearing stories and boring work rants, and that's only if your boyfriend has enough time to make for you that day. It means not being able to go on fancy dates, travel or make spontaneous plans unless you want to be around a toddler who isn't yours, neither under your responsibility.
Jimin doesn't want anybody to get close to his son, because he doesn't want his son to deal with attachment issues for someone who will leave them — because that's what happens all the time.
They leave. They all do.
He will leave and Jimin won't be able to repair the damage left behind. He doesn't have the energy to take such risks and he doesn't have the luxury to be depressed as his son waits for him to offer him love and happiness.
"How can you be so sure?" Adora traps him again with her randomly sensical questions.
Jimin closes his eyes to calm himself down and when he opens them, they are sparkly with tears. He can never be sure. "I don't want to fear the person I love, Adora," he shakes his head, trembling like a helpless leaf. "I don't want to count days to the end."
"And if he doesn't leave?"
The question hangs in the air, throwing Jimin to the edge of a cliff for a split second. The wind can knock him off but it doesn't, and Jimin wonders if this is what Adora is trying to tell him.
"Why am I not leaving? Why is aunt Yumi not leaving? Why is Sungwoon not leaving?"
Jimin blinks back to reality, meeting her gaze. "Because you don't own responsibility–"
"No!" Adora exclaims, shifting closer on the sofa until her knee is touching Jimin's. "No, we are here because there is something we value," she points to Jimin's chest, gently planting her finger on the surface, "in you."
Jimin's bottom lip trembles, his head falling to the side weakly. He doesn't want her to convince him. She has the power to do so and Jimin doesn't want it. He doesn't want to change; he doesn't want to try. He is scared to.
"I'm your friend and I would never let you go, because I like who you are. I like you because you don't have time to waste, because that means you appreciate every second we spend together. You inspire me, motivate me to work hard, to do better just like you," she whispers gently, palm landing on top of Jimin's heart. "I like being your friend because I never run out of things to show you, stories to tell you, and that's only because you are a little outside my world, Jiminie. Because we are not the same."
"Adora..." Jimin is openly crying now, because he can feel his walls break one by one. Because she has no clue what her heartfelt comments are doing to him — or because, and most likely so, she knows more than Jimin what he needs to hear.
She pulls him into a hug, hands running reassuringly over his back. Jimin lets himself sink into her embrace, listening to the silent sounds of his breath warming the fabric of her shirt. Her voice lulls him into calmness, until Jimin isn't overwhelmed by the hope blooming inside of him.
"You don't realize how special you are," she says, patting his back. "You have no clue how much you have to offer, angel."
Jimin watches the silent garden, the toy tractor parked next to the trailer, the warm beam of light reflecting on the window. They are simple elements of his life but they all carry a piece of him. They represent little portions of his inner world, like how he likes to share silence with the people he loves, or how he can ease his son to sleep until his heartbeats match the twinkling stars hanging down the skies, or how much he loves playing or goofing around, or how warm his hands are even in the bleak cold.
The Jimin he knows is special in his own ways.
Adora pulls back slowly, her hands on Jimin's shoulders as she gives her a brave look.
"Put yourself out there and give Jungkook the choice to be with you."
Jimin bites his lip, insides twitching nervously. "You think he would choose me?"
Adora smiles, and it's so profound that it breaks a fire in the middle of Jimin's chest. "I believe so."
"Even after he finds about Byeong?"
"Only Jungkook can answer that question, Jimin," she says, squishing Jimin's cheek when he falls into contemplations again. "Aigoo, look at my boo following his heart!"
Jimin laughs idly, dodging her hand and sitting back on the couch, hugging his knees to his chest. He peeks at her, only to find her snickering — he must be blushing again. Everybody makes fun of him for blushing, humph. "Do we... do we look good? I mean, just like, I don't know. Would we match as um..."
"As a couple?"
Jimin's heart leaps, eyes drooping down. He is feeling shy. "Mm."
Adora's soft voice fills up the air. "I think you would make the cutest couple. Jungkook has a golden heart. He'd disrespect me 24/7 but I think he would treat you like royalty."
Jimin can't stop himself from smiling, butterflies flapping over his skin. He might as well fly if he lets himself get absorbed in the momentum of the excitement. There is something he is mad curious about though... He risks a glance and puts it out there.
"Who is this ex anyway?"
"Hmm, it's a secret," Adora pretends to think. "But I'll tell you this."
Jimin's eyes pop open even though he tries not to show too much of his interest. He can't help but feel an itch, shift a little forward to catch all the crumbs.
"He might snatch Jungkook like this!" she snaps her finger, making Jimin gasp. "If Jungkook is not already taken!" she ties her arms then, pretentiously watching the sky. "You better make your move fast."
"Is the guy here in Gidae?" Jimin is trying to ignore the anxious buzz inside himself but it's killing him.
Adora holds her breath for a few seconds, nearly giving Jimin a heart attack before she starts laughing. "I'm just kidding you, dumbass. I know nothing about him."
Jimin sits there looking betrayed as she gathers her bag and books, holding her empty arm open for a goodbye hug.
"Give your bestie a hug for saving your life once again."
Jimin chuckles in disbelief, not moving an inch of his body. "All you do is stir the pot!"
"You mean the pot of love~" she sings and Jimin gives in, dashing up and eloping her in a big hug. She nearly falls, surprised by the sudden affection but equally content. "When are you gonna tell him?"
"None of your business!" Jimin smiles sweetly, turning her around and walking her to the gate in the front yard. Amidst her aghast looks he puts her in front of the door and waves at her sweetly, even bopping her nose before smiling and wishing her a good night, cracking the door closed slowly until she is smiling too.
"Night, silly."
He turns around, unable to contain himself.
He feels like he could step on the air until he reached the clouds. If he started twirling around maybe a bundle of fireflies would take him to the source of magic. Or maybe he could throw his hands to the sky and catch a few stars which would pull him up there like magnets, and Jimin would travel back to earth on a raindrop.
He feels light and free, and he realizes he only could experience this because he decided to be brave... and hope.
It pays off. Because days later when Jungkook kisses his worries away in this very cocoon that Jimin fought to keep him from, Jimin knows he'd rather fear losing him than not having him at all.
◢