D E A N
Dean isn't gone for long, but as he returns to his bedroom, hands nervously carrying a tray with two plates filled with food, Cas is already sound asleep. He sets down the tray on his desk, moving to spread his blanket over the resting body. Dean's hand lingers by his face, gently stroking it before he takes some of the food from his plate.
He should have said it already.
He should have said it already.
Dean, you fucking coward, he thinks to himself as he studies Cas. He'd promised himself that he would tell the angel how he felt. Tell him as soon as he got the opportunity, finally say the words he's been holding back all these years. The words he could finally say, and had been needing to say out loud for the last two months. He'd wanted Cas to be the first to hear them, so he hadn't said them out loud to anyone. But now that Cas was back, Dean found the words as hard to say as ever.
He needs Cas to hear them.
And yet, when Dean finally had the chance to say it all, his whole brain went numb. Not a single word forming as he sat there in the dungeon, staring at the other man. He couldn't tear his eyes off the angel, and yet, not a single word left him.
Exhausted and finished, Dean heads for the bathroom to wash his face and change his clothes, Cas is still sleeping when Dean returns, so Dean heads for the lounge chair that Cas always claims. He doesn't mean to fall asleep right away, but he's out like a light the moment he leans back, feet outstretched and resting on the bed.
He wakes sometime later to the sound of Cas restlessly sleeping, turning over in Dean's bed, seeming to not find any peace. Dean moves to his side, sitting down at the edge of the bed, gently waking the angel.
"Dean!" It's barely a whisper but the way Cas says his name it sounds like a scream.
"Hey, Cas. You're okay. It's okay. You're safe." He gently whispers in return.
"Dean. Am I... Are we..." half-awake, Cas looks around, eyes are not really focused, mind not really awake.
"You're okay Cas, I'm here." Dean rests a hand at the other man's shoulder.
"Will you stay?"
"Always."
"Don't leave, please." Cas whispers, but the words still reach Dean as he reaches out to take Dean's hand, and a tear escapes down his face, still half lost in sleep.
"I'm not going anywhere without you."
Before he can talk himself out of it, before his coward heart wins again, Dean lays down beside the angel. Laying on his side, he studies his face, as Cas falls back into a more peaceful sleep. With a smile on his lips, so does Dean, only moments later.
Neither of them has slept this good for a very long time.
***
When Dean wakes again some time later, almost fully rested, and finds that his hand had some time during his sleep, reached out and taken Cas's hand.
Slightly tightening his grip on Cas's hand, Dean smiles at the quiet room. Their hands intertwined, rested above his heart.
Looking around the room, he can see that someone has turned off all the lights. The two lamps, one on each side of his bed, had been dimly lit when he fell asleep. The light in the hallway has also been turned off. And the food on his desk is long gone, not even his half-empty class has been left on his desk. Most likely Sam who had come to look for them, finding them both asleep.
Careful not to wake Cas, Dean reaches for his phone on his nightstand, the time shows 3:57 PM, but he can't even remember what day it was when he went to sleep. So he sends a text message to his brother, not wanting to move from his bed. Only seconds later he can hear footsteps coming down the hall, the light outside his room turns on before his door is slowly and quietly opened.
"Hey, Dean," Sam says in a low voice. "I was starting to wonder if any of you were ever going to wake up. You've been sleeping for almost 72 hours now..."
3 days.
"Seriously?" He whispers back.
"Yeah. You sure you okay?" Sam's eyes linger on Dean's face, before moving to study Cas. And then to their hands resting on Dean's chest. Dean doesn't answer him, he doesn't need to, his brother only needs to look at their intertwined hands, and see the calm in Dean's eyes, to have his answer. "Eileen is making dinner, so if you two want to join us, it should be ready in about an hour."
"What is she making?" Dean gives his brother a bright smile at the mention of food.
"Lasagna. And there might be some pie for dessert." Sam smiles as Dean's face lit up with an even brighter smile. Eileen's famous lasagna has become a favorite in the bunker, and Dean never passes an opportunity to eat the best lasagna he knows. Sam takes the smile as a yes, and closes the door, leaving Dean to wake Cas.
Turning over on his side, he studies the angel for a long moment. Memorizing the peaceful expression of sleep. But not for too long. He's not leaving this room until he's said his words. Even if there is lasagna and pie at stake.
"Cas." He gently shakes Cas's shoulder, still holding onto his other hand. "Cas, wake up."
It takes a couple of tries before Dean finally gets a reaction. A human-Cas seems to be a heavy sleeper. Cute, too.
"Hey." Dean smiles as he finally opens his eyes to look at Dean. Cas gives him a smile in return as he tries to rub the sleep from his eyes.
"Hello, Dean."
Oh, how much more beautiful those words sound than the once he said that night.
"Hello, Cas."
"How long have I been asleep?" His eyes wander from Dean to their hands, resting above his heart. He doesn't say anything about it, but Dean notices the way his lips carefully smiles at them.
"We've been sleeping for three days." Dean has to chuckle at the expression Cas gives him. "Yeah... let's not do that again. The whole spent-way-too-long-in-a-empty-void."
"I'd like not repeating that." Cas turns his body, so that he's on his side, fully facing Dean. "Thank you. For saving me. For coming for me."
"Never doubt that I'll come for you, Cas. I'll follow wherever."
Come on, Dean. Say it. Come on, you stupid son of a bitch.
"Dean. About... about the things I said." It takes a moment before Cas is able to meet his eyes, continuing. "I don't expect anything from you. I need you to know that it's okay that you don't feel the same..."
"What..?"
"I don't want anything to change betwe..." he doesn't get to finish as Dean interrupts him, finally finding the courage to speak.
"Cas. Stop. I need to say something."
"No, it's okay Dean."
"Cas. Let me speak. You said all those things to me that night, and I didn't even get the chance to say anything back."
"I'm sorry about that. I wasn't actually expecting to have to deal with it. I didn't think you want to save me aft..."
Dean interrupts him again.
But this time, not with words.
Using their intertwined hands to pull Cas closer, reaching out with his other hand to cup his face, Dean leans towards Cas and silences him by crashing their lips together in a long-awaited kiss. Sometimes the action is easier than the words. The soft feel of his lips. The way their faces fall together perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. It's everything he has ever dreamed of.
A kiss to make up for a decade of silence.
A kiss unlike any other, neither of them have ever had.
At first, Cas is too shocked by the action that he freezes, but when it's clear that Dean isn't pulling away, Cas finally leans into the kiss, melting against him. He reaches up to hold on to the hand Dean is resting against Cas's face.
It's the kiss of a lifetime.
One having lived only one life, the other many.
And still, nothing can compare.
Its everything.
"I need to say something, too," Dean says as he pulls away from the kiss. But not from Cas. Their lips are still so close that Dean can almost feel Cas's as he speaks. "You can't just do something like that, man. You can't just tell me you love me, that you want me. And then disappear from me."
Cas, speechless from the kiss, watches him with his intense blue eyes. Eyes that seem brighter than ever before. The blue is even more beautiful up close.
"For years, I've known that I've wanted you. And for years I've believed you didn't experience feelings the same way I do, not wanting me like that. Cas, I've been in love with you for years." He smiles as he closes his eyes, resting their foreheads together. "The moment you told me you loved me was the best moment in my entire miserable life. The moment you said you wanted me the way I've wanted you for so long, I've never been happier. But losing you, again, is the worst moment in existence, I don't ever want to lose you again. I've spent the two longest months of my life looking for a way to get you back. And now that I've finally got you here with me, I need you to know this. I might have been too much of a coward to never voice my feelings for you, but they have always been there."
Dean draws in a shaky breath.
"Cas, you've always had me. You're the only one who has ever truly had me. The only one that got me in every way possible. And I don't want it any other way. I want you, and only you. I don't know what you want to do with your life now that we are all free to actually live, but if you'll have me, I'll follow you wherever you go. And I know it's selfish of me to beg this of you, but please don't leave me, stay with me forever. Don't leave me ever again." Dean pauses for a moment, breathless from his own words, the rawness of them. "I love you, Cas."
When he opens his eyes again, he can see that, like himself, Cas has not been able to hold back the tears. He brushes his thumb across his cheek to dry away his tears, and smiles as Cas does the same to Dean's tears.
"Of course I love you Cas. There is nothing in all my life, I've been more sure of than that. I love you too."
Then Cas is kissing him.
And if Dean thought their first kiss was the best thing he has ever experienced, then Cas's kisses will for sure kill him slowly. Kiss by kiss.. Nothing has felt this good. Nothing in his life has ever felt this good. Felt this right
Their kiss is like the answer to a question they've both been asking all their life. It's a lifeline in a cruel world.
An anchor in a storm.
A light in the dark.
It's everything Dean has ever dreamt of. Longed for. Needed.
Everything.
"I think... I know, that I want to stay with you. I want to be with you. Live with you. Love you. I want to grow old with you. I want you, so I'm not going anywhere either, without you." Cas's word is only a quiet whisper against his lips, but they heal Dean's soul and heart in a way he didn't think possible.
"That's good," Dean answers as he pulls Cas closer to hug him tighter than ever, burying his face in his neck. Never wanting to ever let go of him again. "Because. I want to live. I want to love. And I think I'm ready. To live a life to love. And there is no one else I love more than you."
Then Dean is kissing him again, seeming to suddenly be addicted to the other man's lips. Not able to get enough of his sweet and gentle touches.
Time passes without them noticing. Too caught up in each other. In their kisses. In their embraces. In their words.
They only separate when a voice down the hall calls them for dinner.
They raise from the bed, and the moment they meet by the door, Dean takes Cas's hand in his, stopping them both. Turning to face Cas, his other hand moves to the necklace he's got tucked away under his hoodie.
«Do you... do you want this back?» Dean whispers as he holds it up, the little glass ball glowing faintly in his hand. He looks at Cas carefully, suddenly almost nervous.
«I meant it when I said I wanted to grow old with you, Dean. We've known each other for so many years now, and I have loved you for every single one of them. This...» Cas points between them, before he takes a step closer to Dean, tucking the glass ball back underneath Dean's hoodie, hidden from sight, «may be new, for both of us, but my love for you is not. I want to live too, to grow old. To stay human. I'll keep being an angel since you didn't remove all my grace, but I'm first of all human. So you keep it safe. My heart. My love. My grace. It's all yours anyway. It always has been.»
«Cas...» Dean doesn't even know what to respond to that. He's been dreaming about words like this, touches like this, for so many years, but never daring to hope for it. And now it is all his. When Cas notices how Dean's eyes have teared up, he leans close and kisses him gently.
«Dean...» he smiles, his eyes closed, their foreheads resting against each other.
«We wasted so many years, didn't we?» Dean chuckles against Cas's lips, tears running down his cheeks as he kisses his angel once more.
«We'll make up for them.» With a last quick kiss, Cas takes Dean's hand again leading them down the hall to the kitchen.
Joining Sam and Eileen at the table, Jack appears from the opposite hallway and takes a seat too.
Dean is wearing the most loving and happy smile he's ever smiled.
And everyone can see it.
And the others can't stop themselves from smiling too.
It's been a long time since Dean has worn a smile this real. This happy. This true.
Finally safe.
Finally home.
Finally, their family is together again.
The angel's smile matches his for the rest of the day, and each time when their eyes meet again, although it's not really possible, their smiles widen even more.