She tried to not really think about it. Maybe, sometimes, this moment crossed her mind briefly. It was as confusing as she had imagined. The uneasiness was present, fairly thick in the air, but maybe it was the right time to end her resentment.
She had to move on.
"Thank you for agreeing to grab a coffee with me."
She nodded shortly then smiled. "How are you?"
"I'm good. You?"
"I'm good, too." Seulgi sipped the hot drink. She looked around her, smiled when she accidentally made an eye contact with her resident.
"It's been a while since the last time we've talked." Irene leaned on her back, watching the surgeon intently.
"Five years is a long time," she agreed.
The moment turned awkward. Neither knew what to say.
Personally for Seulgi, seeing Irene, actually sat face to face and had decent conversation with her was a courageous step. She realized it now, she had detested her ex for what she had done greatly. She was in denial for years. She had held in her belief that all relationships she was in and out didn't work simply because they were just not right. But the truth was, she was scared. What Irene did to her had left a remarkable scar.
The only way to stop it was to put an end to her disappointment. It was time to forgive.
"Are you seeing anyone, Seul?"
"Not at the moment, no. You?"
"No." Irene answered quietly. "I think I still hang up on you."
"What was that?"
"I did a stupid mistake, Seul. I was upset, angry because you barely there. And I know that was not an excuse but I never meant to hurt you. It was never my intention because I did - do love you."
Seulgi knitted her brows together. Irene said she loves her. After all these time?
"God knows how hard I try to get over you but I can't-"
"I forgive you." Seulgi wetted her lips. "I genuinely forgive you. I'm sorry for not being a perfect partner back then."
"What are you saying?"
"I hope we both can move on." Seulgi answered straightforwardly then took a deep breath. "I hope we both can give the next person our best shot. Let's put the past in the past, no more grudge."
"The next person?"
"We can't be together anymore, Irene. I mean, we can be friends, I promise I'll try to be there for you but I can't afford anymore than that."
Irene chuckled bitterly. "Well, I thought we're on the same page, guess not."
"Sometimes love is not enough," Seulgi shrugged. "I can't trust my heart on you anymore. That's the ugly truth."
"..."
"Listen, you're a good person, a good friend. But to build a solid relationship, we need more than that. I don't think I'm willing to risk it."
"..."
"Irene"
"Thank you for your time," Irene abruptly stood up, grabbing her purse and shouldered it. "I hope for the best for you, too."
Seulgi watched Irene's back disappeared around the corner. She scratched her temple, taking a deep breath. Somehow, her heart felt lighter, as if some burden evaporated and in the end, gone with the wind. She finally did it. She had succeeded letting Irene go.
It wasn't as hard as she thought.
---
"How's your head? Does is still hurt?"
"Not really," Jennie smiled softly. "Don't worry about it too much, Baby. It's getting better."
"I'm glad."
"Hmm." Jennie planed a light kiss on Lisa's nose. "Are you ready for physical therapy?"
Lisa rolled her eyes, "I'd say I'm not but I still have to do it anyway."
"You've started standing and walking little by little. Besides, it's your third session. It shouldn't do you that hard."
"It's different. When you say physical therapy, my brain instantly refuses the idea. I know that I need it but I don't want to do it because it's mandatory. Like. . . I want the knowledge but I don't want to study."
"I thought you want to see the triplets as soon as you can?"
"I do!"
"Then let's give our best attempt on it. Don't whine too much, Baby. Let's do this together, alright?"
"Fine."
It had also never occurred to her how draining physical therapy was. She didn't even do much, just some basic moves but she already breaking bullet sweats. Being sick sucked so bad. If only Jennie was not there, she probably had ordered the therapist to stroll her back to her room. It was funny that even years of being together, she still had a huge will to impress Jennie. Her heart always swelled in pride when her wife praised her. She couldn't help but become addicted to Jennie's compliments.
"Eight, nine, ten-" Jennie encouraged her to go on. "Come on two more, Lili!:
"I can't... oh my God!"
"Eleven! One more!
"I'm gonna ugh!"
"Yes! You did it!" Jennie quickly place a peck on her cheek, making Lisa blushed furiously. "You're so red!" She laughed loudly.
"I'm fatally injured, mind you."
It was meant to be a joke. However, Jennie was not ready for that. The laughter stopped abruptly. Her pretty face turned stiff as she looked away.
"Hey," Lisa touched Jennie's arm gently. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. . ."
"I know, I Just. . ." She tucked some of her hair behind her ear, "I'm just not there yet."
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Lili." Jennie smiled a little.
The session was finally over. The physiatrist suggested Lisa to repeat every now and then but not overly do it. She had nodded and gave him thumps up although inwardly, she cursed at him for making her sweat this much.
Lisa grunted heavily as she landed on the wheel chair. She was tired. She couldn't wait to rest and sleep on the bed. As Jennie pushed the wheel chair to the exit, Seulgi walked in.
"Did you have fun?" She smirked annoyingly. "You've been budging me to let you do stuff. Why are you making face like that?"
"This is not what I imagine." Lisa rolled her eyes as she waved her hand dismissively.
"Well, I just went to the cafeteria and I met your parents and the triplets there." She glanced at Jennie and winked. "Would you like to see them?"
"Kang Seulgi, if you're only pranking me, I will not hesitate to kick you where it hurts right now." Lisa threatened the general surgeon without a sign of joking.
"They're outside this door, Lisa, waiting for you." Seulgi shrugged easily. "I only have one rule; do not pick them up. You can go kiss them or hug them but think about your stomach."
"You're being serious?" Lisa was still skeptical. She wouldn't let this woman crush her hope.
The doctor sighed. She turned back on her heels and opened the door widely. "Come on." She gestured Jennie to push Lisa forward.
Lisa's heart beat loudly. Did Seulgi actually, unexpectedly, permit her to see her children? This was too sudden. She was not prepared - although she also didn't know what to prepare. Finally, Aorta, Artery, and Venous were within her touch. Any seconds from now, she'd feel them in her arms again.
Jennie squeezed Lisa's shoulder, making the latter looked up. "Don't jump from the chair, Baby."
"Can't promise that." Lisa grinned.
Lisa bent ahead as she was reaching the tall white door. There they were, sitting patiently in the waiting area.
"Babies!" Lisa shouted to get their attention. She extended her arms widely, ready to welcome her angels.
"Dada!"
The triplets ran to their Dada, smiling all the way. Lisa pampered Aorta, Artery, and Venous with kisses all over their face. It had been so long since the last time she saw them. The five of them laughed wholeheartedly. This was a precious, priceless moment that they cherished now and forever.
---
After more or less three weeks Lisa spent at the hospital, Seulgi at last discharged her and freed her to go home. Everything seemed good and keeping Lisa in that place didn't really have any great benefit. There were things she could and couldn't do, of course. She had talked about it to Jennie, too, because she knew Lisa would break the rule every now and then. Seulgi had also scheduled Lisa for check up in a week. She should be fine.
Even though Lisa was not really fond of it, some attending surgeons, residents, and nurses threw a small party to celebrate in her room. Jennie in fact, had to remind her over and over again to smile.
That afternoon, as she set her feet inside their home, Lisa couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. She dropped on her knees, closing her eyes, she said a little prayer to whoever was wiling to hear her.
Jennie's mother ordered various dishes for dinner. Everyone was working on plating the meals while Lisa played with the triplets in their room. She got some private time with her children, catching up with them.
"Aorta baked a lot of cupcakes, Dada! Artery and Venous didn't like baking so Aorta did it with grandmas."
"Did Aorta make one for Dada?"
"Yes, but Mommy said Dada can't eat sweet till Dada's healthy."
"Well, Dada is all good now. Let's make cupcakes this weekend, okay?
"Dada can't cook," Venous said as a matter of fact. "Let Aorta bake it. He makes tasty cupcakes."
"Artery ate ten of the cupcakes." The second-born smirked mischievously. "Artery took it from the fridge."
"Yah! Who teach you do that?" Lisa pinched his cheeks affectionately.
"Venous ate six!" The youngest giggled shyly. "They are really good, Dada!"
"Yeah? Aah, Dada is really curious now. Who want to bake cookies this weekend? We'll do it with Mommy. She's really good at cooking. Her cookies are the best that Dada ever tasted!"
"Venous is not interested in cooking, Dada."
"Artery, too. But Artery will eat them all!"
"Yah, you two." Lisa face-palmed at the two kids. They were so alike like her.
"Aorta will make yummy cookies with Mommy for Dada, Artery, and Venous." The oldest said earnestly. Oh well, at least he was reliable.
---
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Lisa squeezed Jennie's hand in the darkness. "I'm glad to be home."
"Trust me, I am more than happy to have you here now. Let's sleep, Baby."
Lisa hummed absentmindedly.
---
"We recognize shock-able rhythms. What are they?
"VT and VF for shock-able rhythm, asystole and PEA are non-shock-able, Doc."
"Anyone know why?"
The whole class was mumbling to one and another. It became noisy. Lisa watched her students in amusement. She stood near the table with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
She glanced at her watch, five minutes of loud chanting and none answer.
"Quiet!" She yelled on top of her lungs, successfully silenced the class instantly. All of them looked at her in surprise. "That's how the defibrillator works." She shrugged nonchalantly. "Anyone?"
"..."
"I am the defibrillator and you are the shock-able rhythm. I am the commander. This class will work when you listen to me. When you talk around with your friends it becomes noisy, you don't listen as I say, everyone is the commander, you don't get the information from me. It works the same with our topic today. When a patient as no pulse and it shows a ventricular tachycardia or ventricular fibrillation, we have to use the defibrillator. Why?"
"..."
"As you all know, SA node is the commander. The first electrical impulse that initiates the contraction has to come from it. When the ventricle is too loud, it doesn't listen to its commander. It makes its own electrical activity. Defibrillator acts as the silencer. It helps the ventricle to shut up and listen. The electrical activity comes back to the way it supposed to be."
Lisa walked slowly to the back of the class. One hand held the microphone as the other stuffed deep inside her jeans pocket.
"Now we know why we don't use defibrillator in asystole and PEA. They don't make noise. Any question?"
"I have one."
"Yes?" Lisa turned back. Her face fell at the sight of a man whom she knew well, standing with a gun in his hand.
"If shot you at the chest, will using the defibrillator torture you more?"
Bang!
"I got you, Baby. I got you." Jennie's arms around her were excruciatingly tight. "You're okay, Honey. It's just a dream. Breathe."
Lisa gasped for oxygen. Her pajama soaked in sweat. She was overwhelmed with alien sensation. Her chest hurt. She could see his hatred eyes at the back of her head vividly. He was there, he was everywhere. He had dreamt about him a lot recently. It started driving her crazy. The only thing that kept her sane was her family.
Jennie was always by her side. She held her securely. She didn't let go even in the most desperate time. Jennie rooted for her, she was strong for her. It made her stronger, too. She didn't want to run away. She wanted to stay. What she had now was good, she didn't want to let go. If she had to work harder in order to win this battle, she will.
Lisa slid her hands under Jennie's shirt and set her palms on her skin. She buried her face in the crook of Jennie's neck. She needed all skin contact she could get. She had to feel Jennie as close as possible. It somehow calmed her down.
"Are you okay?" She whispered softly.
"I'm getting worse." Lisa answered wearily. "I'm so tired."
"What can I do to make you feel better?"
Lisa inhaled Jennie's scent deeply. "Just be here, and be you."
Stillness covered the air. No one moved, they provided each other comfort in silence. Both realized they shared the same fright. The quiet atmosphere, in some way, managed to lessen the pressure. The pureness of each other's existence made them believed that the storm would pass, they'd survive.
"I think I want to see a psychiatrist." Lisa looked up as she saw Jennie's unreadable face. "I can't be like this forever, Nini. It's - I know how it's going to turn out. First the nightmares then I'll be more stressed out and. . ." Lisa gulped. "I don't want to give up. I don't want to go back to the darkest phase of my life like it was before. I have you now, I have Aorta, Artery, and Venous, I want to fight for you guys because we deserve better."
Jennie's eyes turned softer and understanding.
"I need help." Lisa said almost whisper.
Jennie had watched Lisa changed over the years. She knew Lisa's past, those that she was not in. Lisa told her her childhood dreams, her pride when she first held the scalpel, her passion in cardio, her actual body-fight with a classmate caused a week of cleaning all toilets at the school, her depression and anxiety when she had to see shrink every two days a week when she got back from the war, her first - that Jennie sworn to be her last - heartbreak. She witnessed Lisa's progress to maturity. Lisa had truly come alone the way to be who she was now.
She loved Lisa for everything she was; her kindness, her gentle heart, her brilliant brain, her flaws, her annoying behavior, her clueless mind even somehow, her insensitivity. Lisa was arrogant woman. She was so used to depend on herself. Jennie was the only outsider who could break her thick barrier and see what actually was happening inside. Jennie perfectly knew how firm Lisa closed her wall just to camouflage her insecurity. It was not easy for her to admit that she needed help, moreover from random person who just happened to have a practice license in psychiatry. It would be even more difficult when she had to open up and talked about her worry. But Lisa was willing to do that for her and their children, because her family came first.
This was a brave move from a vulnerable human.
Jennie was lost for words to describe how deep in love she was with Lisa at the moment.
Gently, Jennie pushed a strand of hair from Lisa's forehead.
"I will be there, in every step of the way with you."
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