JENNIE POV (MOST OF THE SITUATIONS IN THIS CHAPTER ARE MADE UP)
"Jen, I'm going to make breakfast."
My eyes lazily rolled open, a ray of light peeking through the window shines on my face. I feel Lisa's chest pressed on my back; her arms wrapped around me.
"Mmh? Just stay, Lisa."
I grasp her hands and put them against my breasts.
"How can you leave now? This is my favorite position, you should know."
"Honey, it's noon."
"Already? But I'm feeling so woozy."
"We didn't get much sleep..."
My brain tries to cling on to the very last memory of the night. I was here in the room, with the Fan in our bathroom. Lisa came and pounced on me without knowing it. She performed like crazy but fuck, it was damn hot. I didn't really try to stop her; part of me didn't want to, I admit.
Did I want to be caught by the Fan? It was very close.
When the door to the makeup room opened, I was in an awkward state. My hair loose over my shoulders, completely messed up; my pajama shirt all askew from Lisa's fury.
"Do you think the Fan didn't understand what we were doing last night?"
"I don't know, Nini. I hope so. I'm sorry I didn't know; you should have warned me...."
"I tried to, Lisa! But you were mad."
"Yes..." Her warm breath hits my neck ".... I'm mad about you."
And fills me with chills.
"Anyway, I'm going to try to talk to the Fan today; I must not have made a good impression."
"Lisa, what if the fan Finds out about us?"
"That would be a problem, Jen."
"Yeah. Well, the Fan was smiling and looked very calm. I feel relaxed."
"If it wasn't, we certainly couldn't pretend we were doing Fanservice. Maybe we could say we were rehearsing for The Show..."
"How stupid you are Lili. Are you telling me that you would like to please our supporters?"
"If I could do it without fucking us all up, I would have done it already, Honey."
Her kisses upon my neck can start a fire. After just a few delicate touches of her warm lips, I lift the blanket a little bit and turn my body towards her. She sucks inside the mouth her lips; this habit comes out whenever she is nervous.
"Lisa..."
"What?"
"Don't blink. Show me those deep and loving eyes."
Staring into her eyes is like looking at stars in the midnight endless sky. I still have a hard time doing it.
"Can I say something to you?"
"Of course."
"You knocked down all my barriers and I still wonder how you did it. But now I think falling in love was the easy part."
She's listening diligently.
"We've shared so many dreams, Lisa; from Trainee to Idol, we've made them come true together. But there's still one thing I want to do with you."
"Tell me." Her gaze is focused on me.
"Let's make a promise. Promise that you'll hold me for eternity in your arms; that you will fight with me no matter what happens. And if one day you get tired of us, make sure I'm on the other side of the world, and that I can never see you again.
I can't always know what's going on in your head but I just want to tell you one more time.
I love you. And this means I'll defend you every moment you'll need it; I'll comfort you in the difficult and painful times. It means I will never hide my feelings for you, and never give up on you. But I will always be a Blackpink, as long as it lasts; I will be as professional as I can be. Can you promise to me?"
"Jen... I don't.. you know... even though I've put a lot of effort into learning Korean, I'm not sure I can answer you with the right words. Maybe there aren't even Thai words for it. So ...please, consider this as my answer."
As soon as her lips stop moving, her hand gently glided through my hair; she moves a lock back from my shoulder and pulls me closer to her body.
"Come here."
She cups my face in her hands, and her mouth is on mine.
Lisa, I can't imagine an existence without your face, without your smile, without your loyal arms around me. How lucky am I? How lucky I am to be me? To be Jennie Kim.
"It's okay like an answer?" She whispers over my lips.
I can't be me without you.
"It's okay." I give her the sweetest smile I can.
"Lisa, If I can't talk about us, I'll write about us."
"Mmh? What do you mean? Do you want to write a book? Hey, wait... Wow. Jennie Kim the writer, sounds so cool! Is that why you are improving your French? Do you want to write in French?"
"I can't use my real name; it doesn't make sense!"
"Oh. you're right..."
"I'm learning French because I want to go to Paris, don't you remember?"
"And I'll come with you."
"Are you sure?"
I would like to stay here forever. Talking about Paris, and anything else with her; but a knock on the door breaks our whispers.
"Hey, who are you?"
"Jisooo."
I turn the blanket around my body.
"Are you alone?" This time Lisa wants to be sure.
"Ne (yes)."
"Come in, Unnie." I invite her to come in.
"Hey, you! It's so late."
"Oh yeah; well, we have no scheduled business!"
Lisa leaps out of bed and moves towards the exit; Jisoo Unnie is quite used to our flirting, but some situations are pretty embarrassing to even for her.
"I'm going to prepare something to eat."
"Lisaaaa, make me something artistic." I ask her.
"Lisayah, just try not to set fire to the kitchen."
"Neeeeee neeee."
As soon as we are alone, she sets on the bed on Lisa's side and starts her investigation.
"So?"
Jisoo scans me from top to bottom.
"So, what?" I can't stop an embarrassed smile; I already know what she wants to know and her mischievous look leaves no doubts.
"Unnie! Stop blinking!"
"Are you naked under there Jennie Kim?"
"Aniiiiiiiiiii! No, I have my underwear!"
"I pretend to believe you without looking at your dumpling cheeks and your red face."
"Is everyone awake?"
"Rosè is in her room; the Fan was eating in the kitchen alone."
"Oh, so bad... we're not giving a lot of attention to the Fan."
"We are not used to this kind of situation, maybe Lisa will entertain with a conversation while cooking."
"If she is not too embarrassed. Last night the Fan almost saw us making out in here."
"What?! I hope you are joking, are you serious? How could this happen, I told her..."
"Don't worry Unnie, nothing happened... we've stopped before." It's best to avoid confessing to her my desire to be caught.
"So, nothing happened last night?"
Gosh her grin is killing me!
"Unnie! When did you get so curious? I said nothing happened in front of the Fan! But I won't tell you anything."
"The only thing that matters, is that you are okay."
"Yeah, of course, why I wouldn't?"
"You seemed a bit on your own. You can speak to me, Jennie."
She doesn't miss a thing.
"It's just something childish, as I am sometimes."
"Just say it to me."
"Well, it's so stupid. I miss the Lisa from a while back. Lisa who somehow was always on my case."
"Do you mean you miss the monkey who courted you like there's no tomorrow?"
"I miss the freedom that she had."
"Jennie, I think she's trying to protect the whole situation. You know, you can't expose yourself that much anymore. She does it for her reputation but she does it also for you; indeed, for all of us."
Yeah, I'm aware of that, and when I started this road, I knew it would test me, and maybe break my mental balance. Lisa is stronger, she learned to rely on herself enough to push back all the emotional pain and do what is asked of her; act like we're strangers.
"I have more trouble dealing with my emotions, hiding my insecurities when returning in my weaker moments. You know me Jisoo, you know I need love; I've done a lot of things on my own, but since Lisa came into my life, I constantly need to feel her, her presence. Do you think I'm mad? I finally admitted to myself what was too afraid to admit about us. And look at now, Unnie. We can't even get in the same car anymore. It's too much. YG know I have trouble with anxiety, crowd management, they know what I need to be safe and quiet."
"Jennie, try to see it as help, some Fandom is obsessed with you and Lisa, they seriously risk to expose you too much. How can you expect to handle this?"
"I know. I will never be able to confirm Blinks theories or say "Oh, yes...Hey, Lalisa is my girlfriend!". Maybe I just want to shout it out to the world to be sure, to let everyone know that she is mine."
"What? Are we talking about jealousy?"
"I'm talking about... I mean... fuck, I can't stand people taking trips on her. Or making ships. That they're using her face, using her name, saying "Lisa I love you", "Marry me Lisa", and so on. I'll get mad."
"My God Jennie Kim. Who are you? You're not the girl I used to know. Jennie.......... We are Idols! These are normal things; they do with all of us! They are simply fans. Yes, Lalisa is desired by all, but... oh come on Jennie! don't... don't let me be... who was in bed with her last night? How can you value these bullshits? I think you are brave enough to make it clear that you have a kind of relationship with Lisa, otherwise, we wouldn't be here talking about this. Isn't that enough? And ships? We also have our ship babyJendukie; even Jenlisa would be a ship, Chaelisa too."
"Yeah, what about that? I don't get the problem, why can't I interact with Lisa as Rosé does? You know, the rap line, the Fanservice, It's the same thing for the audience. Lisa and Rosè do heavy fanservice."
"Are you jealous of Chaeyoung, Jennie?"
"No! I am not jealous of Rosie! Are you crazy Unnie? I love her as much as I love you too, I couldn't do without her! Chaeyoung is the sweetest and purest soul I have in my life. It just.. I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense to stop me... That's right, during some Live.. and some shows we have exaggerated a bit... but...I don't know, Jisoo... I... oh crap, Unnie I swear, if I get pissed off I will act mad during The Show!"
I tighten the blanket. I hadn't meant to get so much angry, but these difficult emotions, they are as a river flowing in me.
"Oh yes, then it will be exactly an AMAZING SHOW. Listen to me, Jennie."
Jisoo lies down toward me and rests her warm hand on my naked shoulder.
"Being brave isn't the same thing as being stupid. You're the smartest girl I know but I think you're losing your way in here. Yes, it can be the same thing for most of the fans; yes, you can play on stage if you want. Just relax, for now, anger will get you in emotional debt, you can bet on that. Enjoy this living together, can you do it for me? Don't make me worry. I don't want to go back to a couple of years ago. Please. Don't let negative thoughts eat away at you. You managed to get out of all that mess, and I would not stand to see you suffer again in silence in your shell-like that moment. We're all in this together, so please talk to me before you fill yourself with this angst."
I take a deep breath, laying my head on the pillow. I like my life..kinda. I wanted to be an Idol so much. But all those nosy flashes, all those people eager to trap pieces of me on film; ready to scrutinize every flaw or failure, and judge every choice and action. Their hands want to touch, without asking permission; hit, without apologizing. It pushes me towards exhaustion. I'm controlled twenty-four hours a day; if it's not the fans or the public, it's the staff that controls me, and they manage my feelings too. They made up things about me, put me in scandals. I heard about me that I was lazy, that I sucked, that Blackpink no need me anymore. I've been treated like crap, silently, secretly, but the important thing was to stay professional and let them exploit me, so I did, I got it all down. And this time I'll do the same.
"Don't worry Unnie. My usual calm is on its way back,sorry. I know you're right. As long as we're Blackpink it's going to be like this. It just sucks. I just hope I never lose you, never lose Lisa, never lose what she feels for me."
"I don't know the future, but as long as we are Blackpink and even after, I will always protect you, I will always protect my girls, and I will be proud of you no matter what you will do. Just try to enjoy every little moment you spend with Lisa."
A chill run over my shoulders, I'm not sure if it's a chill from the cold or Jisoo's words. But I'm sure in this storm, this girl will be always my brightest spotlight. She saved me with only words, when I am not feeling good, she shows me ways I didn't know were there.
"Ironically, the one I have to thanks if I can be here, and sleep with Lisa without staff around, it's you Unnie."
"By the way, I wanted to talk to you about something. I don't want to give any thoughts to the younger ones. So, it's better if I just talk to you for now.
What's going on? Is there tension in her voice or is it just me?
"What? Tell me."
"There's something strange about being here. When they warned me about the contact with the positive guy, YG scheduled the test. But also the Director requested one for all the cast and staff on set."
"You mean you took two tests?"
"Yes, and the one I did with the production is negative, I got the message this morning."
"What?! Could this be a lab error?"
"I don't know, Jen. Isn't weird? We have never had such close meetings with Blinks. During shows, live or online fan signs, they're always fans we knew, instructed, and managed by the company.
"You're right, what involves us as Blackpink is always heavily checking."
We rarely get to do anything on our own as Idol, even when we answer fan questions, we always have an outline.
"Isn't it strange that we have to be locked in here with this person, without any connection with the staff? since we have been here no manager has called or checked us, it has never happened. Jennie, YG never acted like this. A fan, older than us, from across the ocean, who even sleeps with us. This thing it's too personal."
"What do you think Unnie?"
"Could this be a staff stunt to control us?"
"Oh my God!!! There are cameras in here?!"
"Shhhh!!! Jennie!"
I raised my voice a bit too much, but fuck, Jisoo triggered a big agitation within me.
"Jennie let's try to stay calm, and maybe investigate a little on our own. But now put some clothes on and let's go."
"I have to fix my face first."
"Jen, the Fan has already seen us, no need, come on I'm hungry, I want some bibimbap."
I slide out of bed, with the blanket wrapped around my body and partly dragged on the floor.
"Oh... you bed destroyer. Take this one!"
Jisoo throws over the bed the hoodie dropped on my suitcase, it's Lisa's, the one she was wearing last night
"Unnie...this is Lisa's ..."
"So? Doesn't it fit?"
"Should I go out with her hoodie?"
"Let's see this Fan's reaction. You know, if we wear the same clothing or accessory we are engaged. Do you know how many Idols I am engaged to? Because we show the same items?
"Oh, wow......Really? I thought you sponsored them. Kim Jisoo, such a heartbreaker!"
"Sponsor? What is a sponsor?"
I love her sense of humor.
I put on the hoodie; there is still a faint trace of Lisa's perfume on it. Usually, it gives me a special effect when I smell it, but not now, considering that I have it on my body since last night.
Out of the bedroom, I first check the kitchen.
"Let's see if we can still eat or if Lisa has..."
The room is empty.
I guess someone has cooked something, some ingredients are scattered on the table, but there is no sign of Lisa or the Fan.
"Where are they?"
How long has it been? Maybe just half an hour.
"There is no one in your ex-room, the door it's wide open, the Fan isn't there."
I turn around, no one even in the living room, is a silent desert.
"Oh, Unnie." I pull her by the arm. "They are playing a joke on us."
"Yeah, Yeah. Let's check behind the couch." She whispers.
But no one is there. It's strange not to hear the high pitch of Lisa's voice.
"What is that?"
There is a plate with an avocado sandwich on the kitchen table. Definitely is not Rosé's lunch, there is only one half of the sandwich as if it was left there.
"Well ok. They will be with Rosé, or in your room Unnie."
Lisa what the hell, where are you hiding. We move very slowly towards Rosie's room. Jisoo puts her index finger to her lips; let's try not to be heard. The door is just pulled over, I push it slowly with my hand.
Black. Everything turns black.
My body suddenly lose strength, I feel my heart hammering inside my chest.
Then flames rise up through my veins and flood my mind. Suddenly I feel dizzy. I feel sick, devasted.
When the room starts spinning and salty tears touch my lips, I gather the little strength I have left in me to say it.
"Fuck you, Lisa. Get out of my life."