TW// Mentions of Suicide
"YOU HAVE TO hold still," I say, repositioning myself on Sebastian's lap. He kept squirming underneath me which made it ten times harder to keep my hand steady. "Otherwise, your eyeliner will be more like cheekliner. And I won't fix it."
"Yeah, yeah," he says, tightening his hands on my bottom. "Why did I let you convince me to let you practice eyeliner on my eyes?"
I chuckle as I finish up his left eye. "Because you like to see me happy."
"Can't argue with that," he mumbles, opening his eyes to look at me. I blush underneath his eyes and lean down to peck his lips.
"Okay," I whisper against his lips. "I'm done. Check it out."
I slide off his lap and allow him to look into the mirror at himself. His hair was tousled, though he'd done that himself and he was wearing a pair of tan pants with a green vintage shirt, his muscles on full display. His eyes were an electric blue, made more noticeable with the eyeliner. "What do you think?" I ask, staring into the mirror with him.
He pretends to ponder. "I think we should get to the restaurant already before I rip your clothes off and we don't make it at all."
I swallow hard and nudge his shoulder. "You're so annoying," I groan, but the butterflies in my stomach say differently.
"I think we're doing things backwards," Sebastian muses. "Technically, I'm supposed to be picking you up for our date tonight. Not getting ready for it together."
I pout my lips at him. "Since when did we follow the rules? And, hey, I could've gone to go get you. Why would it be standard for you to come and pick me up?"
Sebastian's eyebrows furrow as he looks at me through the mirror. "You're serious?"
"Yeah, I am. I resent that, you know. Just because I bottom doesn't mean I can't be the gentleman in this relationship."
His brows furrow again but for another reason. "Bottom?" he repeats.
I lace up my Docs as I glare at him. "Yes. Bottom."
"What the hell is that?" he responds, eyebrows pulling together.
I pause. "Are you actually kidding me?"
"No?" he answers.
I giggle, smoothing out my meticulously styled hair. "Are you going to tell me what it means?" Sebastian asks, seeming playfully put out.
"You should already know," I retort. "Being bisexual and all."
He makes a face. "They didn't cover it at LGBTQ+ school."
"That's not a thing and if it was, they would definitely teach what a top and a bottom are," I joke. "Okay, um. Sebastian, when we have sex who's usually on top and who's usually on the bottom?"
I can see the wheels turning in his head. "So I'm the t-top?"
"Yes, you top," I respond, cheeks blushing. "Since you're the one that actually penetrates me, I'm the bottom. Does that make sense? Because I don't think I can go through the awkwardness of explaining it again."
Sebastian stands up and plants a kiss on my cheek, laughing. "So wait, what if I still was in you but you were on top of me? Would I become the bottom?"
I shake my head, still blushing. "No, because the bottom is the one receiving."
"So shouldn't there be a different term, then?" he muses, wrapping an arm around my waist lazily. "Giver and recipient, penetrator and penetratee. Oh, I've got it! In and out."
I make a face at him. "Like the restaurant?"
"Yeah! Get it, because I'm in and you're out?"
I laugh, kissing his nose. "Yeah, baby, I got it. We going to dinner or what?"
He grins wickedly and less than thirty minutes were being seated at some posh restaurant. I suddenly feel out of place, even as Sebastian pulls out my chair and plants a kiss on my forehead. When he sits in his own seat, I lean forward. "Okay, is there anything on this menu that doesn't start at $80," I joke.
"I'm paying, Brayls. That's what ins do for their outs'," he responds with a cheeky grin as he looks through the menu.
I make a face. "That's still not a thing," I retort. "And you don't have to pay for me. I can get the bill."
His face is incredulous. "We're not about to have a money argument, are we?"
I raise an eyebrow. "I'm just saying, everything on this menu is expensive. And you weren't exactly the pinnacle of money a few weeks ago."
"Then it's a good thing my credit card was unfrozen," Sebastian remarks, leaning forward to look at me closely. "I like being able to pay for you, Braylen. If it were up to me I'd get you anything and everything you've ever wanted. Since I obviously can't, this is the next best thing."
I gnaw on my bottom lip. "It makes me feel inferior."
Sebastian kisses me once on the lips before pulling back. "This relationship is equal. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Okay? I don't want you to ever feel inferior. Not next to me. Because you're amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and so damn sexy—"
"You think I'm sexy?" I ask, blushing.
His eyes turn fiery. "Extremely so."
I swallow hard as the waiter arrives, asking us for our orders. Sebastian orders for the both of us, which I'm glad for. My tongue feels like jelly in my mouth.
By the time our drinks have come I've regained a bit of composure. I take a soft breath and lean forward again. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Isn't every question a personal question?" he remarks cheekily.
I smile softly, too. "Can you tell me about your dad?"
I can see his face go ashen. "Oh," he mumbles. "I guess so. Um, he looked like me," Sebastian says, smiling bashfully. "His hair was longer, though. A little bit shorter than yours. He was funny. Really funny. We'd laugh for hours about the stupidest things. My mother used to say we were just alike."
I smile back at him. "You two were close then?"
He nods. "I guess so. As close as we could be. In the end, it wasn't enough," he murmurs. "He killed himself just before I started second grade. I just remember finding him, his eyes staring back at me. I thought he was sleeping with his eyes open and called my mother in to see. She started crying, so I did too. Every memory I have of my father is vague except for that one. That one I can never forget."
My chest aches. "Sebastian, you know that wasn't your fault, right? Your father didn't kill himself because you weren't enough for him. That was never the case."
"You don't know how many times I've tried to make myself believe that, Brayls," he whispers. "I know he loved me. But if he did, then why wasn't that enough?"
"It was," I repeat. "The weight he was carrying just made him lose sight of that. It's not your fault."
He smiles sadly at me. "Your mom's crap isn't your fault, either."
I swallow hard. "I know that. I know it. I've been trying hard to believe it too."
Sebastian reaches underneath the table and loops our fingers together, smiling ruefully at me. "They messed us up pretty good, huh?"
I chuckle, squeezing his hand. "That they did."
The rest of the night is lighthearted and we don't speak about our past traumas. We eat and laugh and make fun of the wealthy socialites dining beside us. "That guy's name has to be Timothy," Sebastian remarks, laughing behind his hand.
"You should go and ask him if it is," I respond back, taking a sip of my water.
"Are you daring me to?"
"Yes. I double dog dare you."
Sebastian grins and stands up, wiping his mouth on the expensive napkin that had previously laid across his lap. I watch as he saunters over to the man, the picture of confidence. They talk for a few moments before shaking hands and laughing loudly. It must've been five minutes before he walked back over to me, a grin on his face. "So?" I press.
"Reginald," he responds back with a bashful grin. "He used to babysit my mother, apparently. Good lad."
I raise an eyebrow. "Good lad? Yeah, let's get out of here before you begin to sound even richer than you already are."
Sebastian grins at me. "Deal. I have somewhere I want to take you, anyways."
I raise my eyebrows again, this time in question. "Really? Where are we going?"
"For me to know and you to find out, baby," he responds, grinning cheekily.
Sebastian pays the bill and pretends to not notice my pout as he does before looping our fingers together and leading me back to his car. We're driving in minutes and he turns on the radio. It's a country song, and I'm taken back to the day he first began to teach me to swim, the day that things sort of shifted with us. I look at the blurring lights and then back to Sebastian's face, paler than it would be in the summertime. "Seb?"
He glances over at me. "Yeah?"
"You said you didn't realize you liked me until that day we went swimming together," I say, smirking softly. "So when did you actually begin liking me?"
His cheeks turn red almost instantly, and I'm surprised. "I was sort of hoping I'd never have to tell you this."
I move a bit so my body is facing him entirely. "Well, now you have to. When was it? Freshman year? Sophomore?"
"Sixth grade," he whispers back, focusing on the road. "I guess that's when I...started thinking about you differently."
My eyes widen. "We were twelve!"
"I know, I know," he mumbles, laughing softly. "Do you wanna hear the story, or not?"
He glances over at me and I nod vehemently, pretending to lock my lips.
Sebastian sighs softly. "It was the summertime. The school's annual carnival. I was with the guys and we'd decided to grab some cotton candy before we got on the next ride. And after I went to pay for it all, I saw you. You were kissing Kaila Johnson."
I chuckle softly. "I remember that. She was my first kiss. You were there?"
"I was. And it pissed me off," he admits with a laugh. "I watched you kiss her and kiss her and kiss her and all I wanted to do was throw something at the both of you, just so you'd stop. I didn't realize it was jealousy for a while. But it was always there. Whenever you were with someone or liked someone, it hurt."
I raise an eyebrow. "Didn't you sleep with Kaila Johnson freshman year?"
He smirks bashfully. "Of course I did. If I couldn't have you, I didn't want anyone to get the chance."
I laugh, shaking my head. "She was a good kisser."
"Very good," he agrees and then turns his head to look at me. He smiles once and I return it. "But you were always the one I really wanted."
I shake my head in disbelief. "How come you never told me?"
"I don't know. I thought you were straight and a pain in my butt. I was confused," he mumbles. "It's why I pushed you away after you kissed me at Devin's that first time. I thought it was some cruel, practical joke. Because why would Braylen Adams, my arch nemesis be kissing me? I had imagined that moment for so long and when it finally happened, I don't know. I didn't believe it."
I bite my lip. "Trust me. I was just as confused as you. Probably more."
He grins and suddenly stops the car. I'd been so wrapped up in our conversation I hadn't been paying attention to where he was taking us. It was some sort of bridge, the lights of California bright below us. Where he'd stopped clearly wasn't a parking spot, though, and I gawk at him. "We're stopping traffic," I laugh as he reaches over and unbuckles my seatbelt.
"There's no one else here, baby," he responds easily, sliding out the car and gesturing for me to do the same.
After only a moment's hesitation, I step out of the car and into the cool night air with him. He climbs up the ledge to the bridge, spreading his arms out wide. "You're going to fall," I shout over the wind.
"I'm not, trust me. I do this all the time." he responds, laughing breathily. "Come up here!"
Fear pricks at my heart as I take in the ledge and the complete danger of the entire situation. But then he turns around, smiling widely at me and I'm suddenly giving him my hand and he's pulling me up to the ledge.
"Whoa!" I mumble, clutching onto his hips and snuggling up closer to him. Below us a large body of water that seems to be at least 60 feet down shimmers back up at us. "You really stand up here a lot?"
"Yeah," Sebastian breathes, his eyes wide with adrenaline. "I do."
"You're crazy," I exclaim, laughing.
Sebastian kisses my forehead, pulling me closer. "Then what does that make you?" he questions, laughing along with me. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him look more alive.
Sebastian's eyes twinkle as he takes in the view, the water below us and the city lights surrounding us and I feel myself falling in a completely different way than I'd feared.