As the days passed April and Jae moved nearly as one. Together they buried his mother's ashes, just the two of them alone in the cemetery, her only mourners. As they walked hand in hand from her grave, the sun dipped behind a cloud as though recognizing their grief and hiding to match it. April cried silently for a woman she hardly knew. She cried because she was the mother of the man she loved and the grandmother of a child she wouldn't get the chance to meet. Jae was silent most of the morning, speaking only to whisper words that April didn't have to speak the language to understand.
Along the path on which they walked under the dreary branches of a weeping willow tree sat a bench. Jae stopped in front of it and motioned for April to sit with him. He held her hand on his lap and she carelessly noticed the sharp crease in the leg of his new suit. A suit he bought just for the occasion and that she knew he'd never wear again.
"I've been thinking," he said, startling her.
"About what?"
"We should go home."
"Ok," April said, leaning forward to stand up.
But Jae pulled her back gently.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I meant back to your home. To DC."
"What?"
April couldn't believe what she was hearing. She never thought Jae would want to leave Korea after finally getting back after so many years of unhappiness in America. Ansan was his home, it was where he was born. She had secretly been looking forward to raising their child there. Watching him play where Jae had played, live where he had lived, and enjoy the rich and beautiful culture.
"I know you're surprised and if you want to stay we will but after everything that's happened...I can't explain how I feel. I thought that whatever was wrong with me would be remedied by being here, but I still feel all the same things. If anything, it's worse here because this place is so filled with memories."
April knew that the memories Jae spoke of weren't fond childhood memories like the ones she had of her home. They were of his mother's struggle, a broken home, and his own failed marriage.
"I don't know why I thought it would be different," he said, lowering his head.
"Because you're older now. You thought that the past was in the past but here you come face to face with it"
Jae looked at April and she knew he thought she was talking about JiWoo and she was but that was only part of it. Though she still didn't know what they had fought about when she showed up uninvited, she had a feeling it wasn't over, that if they stayed, JiWoo would become a roadblock to their happiness. She also knew that in America his memories could be tempered by walking down the streets of a different city, eating different food. So little reminded him of his home that sometimes he could forget, getting so lost in his surroundings that the past would have nothing to latch onto and for the most part stay in the past.
"We can talk more about it later. Let's take a walk and have lunch."
"Ok," April said.
She was shocked he wanted to go out. Since his mother passed he only ventured from the apartment when it was absolutely necessary. If the shop where he got his suit delivered, he wouldn't have left even for that.
As they walked he showed her points of interest from his childhood. They passed his elementary school and a park where he used to play after school. He took her to the botanical gardens and watched her as she gazed in awe at the beautiful foliage and flowers. They talked about her photography and her hopes for her future career.
"What do you want to do?" She asked as they walked.
"Honestly, I've never taken the time to think about it. I worked because I had to. I did what I was good at and what would make the most money. What I wanted was never a consideration."
April stopped walking and leaned against one of the trees that lined the path they were on.
"Well, consider it."
Jae looked honestly perplexed. He hadn't been exaggerating when he said he never thought about what he wanted to do with his life. April hated the fact that he felt aimless, like his only purpose was to please other people. He disliked his work but had done it tirelessly to make enough money to take care of his mother. He married JiWoo to please her and her father. He spent so much time catering to other people's needs, he had completely neglected himself to the point that he didn't know anymore what he wanted out of life.
Finally, he smiled, taking her hands.
"I know what I want to do," he said.
"What's that?"
"I want to be a good father. I don't ever want my child to look back and wonder if I cared about him. I want to show him love every day of his life. If I can do that, then I will have succeeded."
The light in Jae's eyes was like she had never seen in him before. He had a chance to break a cycle of pain that could have gone on for generations if not for his loving heart and he was taking it with both hands. Not out of guilt, pity, or even obligation. He was doing it because he wanted to. He had learned only days ago that he was going to be a father, that he was having a baby with someone he loved but knew so little about, yet none of those things scared him. Nothing made him worry more than the thought of his child feeling the way he felt in his youth. His mother loved him very much so it wasn't a lack of love that he experienced, it was feeling unwanted and abandoned. Knowing that his father could so easily walk away from him, a man who should have been his role model, his hero, was nothing more than a stranger. They could have passed each other a hundred times on the street and neither of them would have known.
"I think," April said, "that you're going to be a wonderful father and I am grateful that I will be by your side."
Jae stepped towards her, pressing her against the huge tree trunk. She looked around to see if anyone was there, shocked but not that shocked as she recalled their first kiss and how he had pushed her against the wall. Unlike then, though, he kissed her gently because now there was no rush, no pent up passion. As he had said before, they had their whole lives.
As they walked home Jae's step seemed a bit lighter. Though he still mourned his mother and felt as though he didn't have a home, April hoped that their talk had relieved some of his heartache.
They approached the apartment building as the sun was setting having stopped on the way to get dinner. April had taken the bag as Jae paid and he grabbed it as soon as they walked out of the restaurant.
"I can handle carrying a bag of food," she laughed.
"Not as long as I'm around."
They were about to cross the street to get home when Jae suddenly stopped.
"What is it?" April asked.
"JiWoo," he replied.
April looked across the street and there, leaning on a lamppost was JiWoo. She spotted them and waved frantically as if Jae would have trouble seeing her.
"Stay here. I'll get rid of her."
Before April could contest Jae crossed the street and as soon as he was within reach, JiWoo hugged him. He didn't push her away this time though instead, his arms stayed limp at his sides, waiting for her to release him, which wasn't nearly soon enough for April. She watched their expressions as they spoke since any words that made it to her ears over the traffic were meaningless to her. Of course Jae looked angry, staring down at the woman with palpable contempt. She could see he was trying to remain calm but she knew that if the conversation went on long enough he would lose his temper again. She was about to go over to put an end to it when suddenly Jae turned to her.
"April," he called out. "Come here."
Shocked, she made her way across the street and Jae immediately wrapped a protective arm around her waist, pulling her in close to him.
"April, this is Han JiWoo."
Defiantly, the woman stomped her foot, refusing to acknowledge April, who didn't mind in the least.
"Naneun dangsin-eul yeogiseo dasi bogo sipji anhseubnida," Jae hissed at JiWoo before pulling April past her and into the building.
Once inside, Jae placed the food on the table and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly in an attempt to calm himself.
"Baby," April said, coming to his side, "are you alright?"
"Yes," he said, attempting to smile.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"No, I think we should."
Proud that Jae was willing to open up to her April sat down at the table while he took the food from the bags. When finally he sat across from her she prepared herself to be understanding no matter what he was about to say because she knew how hard it was for him to say it. Going from the man who not long ago had locked himself in a bedroom to keep from facing and sharing his emotions to this man who, when given an out, didn't take it impressed her so much and she didn't want to make him regret his decision to open up to her.
"About JiWoo," he began, "she was hoping I would be willing to give our relationship another chance."
Biting her lip so hard she almost drew blood, April nodded encouraging Jae to continue.
"She heard about my mother's death and assumed I would be here making arrangements and cleaning out her apartment. She came to tell me that...she still loves me and she's sorry for what she did while we were married."
"Wow," April said, not quite sure what to do with any of the information he had just given her. "So, you told her about me the first night and she still came back tonight?"
Jae nodded and April was struck by the woman's brazen overtures towards a man who wasn't available. She hated to admit it but she was worried. She had gotten used to the thought of the two of them living a peaceful life together. Her ex was on board but she had a feeling that Jae's ex was a different story. That April's presence in his life had no effect on her desire to be with him. JiWoo saw her as just a speedbump to happiness with the man whom she had loved and lost.
"Please don't worry. I'm not interested in her."
"What happened between you?"
Jae sighed, looking down at his plate. April knew he had had a long day and pressing him about this, though he said he wanted to talk about it, was not a good idea. What went on with his ex-wife before they met was of no consequence. They were together. He had chosen her when confronted with the choice between his future and past.
"You know what?" April said, reaching for his hand. "Let's just eat, we can talk about this later."
He looked up at her and smiled and she knew he was relieved to have a chance to gather his thoughts before delving into such a painful conversation. She also knew, however, it meant that at some point he was going to sit her down and tell her everything, whether she was ready or not.