The cold wind gently blows through my hair as I step out of the car, I pull my jacket tighter around me as I walk up to the building. I could feel my heart, beat every single pound in my chest as I made my way to the frosted glassdoor of Yoongi's studio.
Punching in the code, I step into the room, a smile takes over my face as I instantly spot Yoongi curled up on the couch asleep. His features were much softer in sleep, the lines that usually creased his brow making him look rough and scary to approach are now gone. He looked peaceful and relaxed.
I watch as he shivers and pulls his knees closer to his chest as he tries to keep warm. I walk over taking the throw off the back of the couch to cover him. He lets out a low hum as I move the hair from his eyes. I decided not to disturb him, he probably just fell asleep and he definitely needs to rest.
I walk over to his desk switching on the lamp and notice the mess that is taking over every surface. My eyes landed on the papers crumpled up off to the side. I quietly pick one up and sit in his desk chair. There are scratched-out words all over the page as he worked on the song, but I hone in on one paragraph...
I'm the root of all this so I'll stop myself
If my misfortune is your happiness
I'll happily stay unfortunate
If I'm the figure of hate
I'll get on the guillotine
The guilt sat not on my chest but inside my brain. What I had done, I could not un-do. Everything I went through was not his fault. I shouldn't have taken it out on him, I shouldn't have aired everything out in front of the others, I should have let him speak to me privately. In my heart I retract all the bad things I ever said, they were never a reflection on him, only on my inner demons.
I hear Yoongi shuffling behind me and turn to see him sitting up half-awake, rubbing his tired eyes with the insides of his palms, his eyes bloodshot from his lack of rest.
Yoongi wears a face like he's expecting anger from me, anger that just doesn't exist. All I have for him is love. He won't accept it just yet, he feels so much misplaced guilt.
Before I can draw in the air my body needs I rush forward and tightly wrap my arms around his neck taking him by surprise. I can feel his firm torso and the heart that beats within. His hands are folded around my back, drawing me in closer. I feel my body shake, as I start crying to release the tension of this week.
Yoongi pulls his head back and wipes away my tears with a calloused finger, even this roughness brings more relief than my heart can hold.
I want to speak but all I can do is croak, "I'm sorry." His mouth paints a soft smile and he nods once before folding me in his arms again.
"I want to explain." He says in his raspy half-asleep voice.
I nod my head and pull away, sitting on the couch next to him.
"There were times I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. Or maybe it was just me who no longer wanted to be part of it." he anxiously looks up to me and I take his hands in mine squeezing reassuringly letting him know I am here for him.
"That doesn't really matter though... because my burning lungs that struggled to draw in air and my heart that beat inside my chest so hard I thought it would break my ribs were the only things I could think about." He mutters nervously, licking his lips trying to moisten them.
"The darkness in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That is what mattered the most. That was when it was the hardest for me." My eyes took in his face, his expression was tight and filled with strain.
"Those times kept me awake at night. and made me wonder: why am I living? And when I couldn't find the answers, my anxiety turned into panic. And I would be lost for days."
My heart twisted and sunk with nerves as I sat in front of him listening to him bring his darkness into light. "Yoongi..."
"Just let me finish." He stops me, his voice thick and unsteady.
"Ashton is my cousin and when I was kicked out I would sometimes stay at his house. I knew he wasn't a good person but I needed a place to stay so I wouldn't freeze to death on the street." He takes in a deep breath trying to steady his nerves.
"When I saw you years ago it was like looking in the mirror, I could see the same hurt coming off of you. But I was struggling still, I could barely survive. You were just a small girl and I knew you had been through things. You would never look at me, always stayed quiet and to yourself... I didn't know what they were doing to you." his voice cracks as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
"Yoongi. I don't blame you." I exhale a breath "I shouldn't have blown up on you, it was just a lot to learn. But what they did is not your fault and you have nothing to be sorry for."
We sit there in silence, no anger, or bitterness between us. Yoongi suddenly turns to me. "I have a plan," he says with a smile.
There was kindness in his smile, a gentleness. It was the smile of one who laughed with ease and saw the person under the behavior, a soul-connector. He is the kind of person who lived how he believed people should. He was honest, loyal, he is a calm sea. Yet, most of all, he is my friend.
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"I don't know how I feel about this sweetheart..." Jin sighs and turns to look at me.
"It's the only way Jin. They aren't stupid they won't confront her if we are around." Yoongi states.
"Well, then that just seems like a better reason for us to stay around," Kookie speaks up. Our eyes meet and he gives me a small half-smile.
We have been at this for an hour or so now. I haven't gotten to apologize to Jimin or Kookie but they are still here for me listening to Yoongi's plan.
My heartfelt full looking around the room at the people I care for the most. All the guys agreed to meet up at my place with Dani. I was smooshed on the couch between Jin and Jimin, Dani between Hobi and Kookie, Yoongi and Joon were standing in front of the couches breaking down the plan.
I turned my head to the left to look at Tae, he stood in the corner quietly with a glazed look lost in his own thoughts. I'll have to talk to him privately later.
"Nah Kook we have to do this to finish it. It's the only way to get rid of them for good." Joon argues drawing my attention back to him.
I'm scared the old fears run through my head, and I hear the taunting laughter of years past. Once again fear found me and keeps its long talons embedded in me. It spoke to me in its cackling voice. It told my legs to go weak, my stomach to lurch and my heart to ache.
I feel the fear. And I take a step forward pushing past it, and then, as if by magic, I find confidence, I find my voice. It's time to stop feeling the storm and be a hurricane.
"I can do it," I say loudly, confidently.
I had cried my tears, suffered my wounds, walked some of my hardest roads, and now it was my time to thrive. There was a moment, just a fraction of a second, where my eyes met Yoongi's. He gave me a short curt nod and that was all the encouragement I needed.
I felt like there was courage pushing inside me, demanding me to be brave and strong. I never had this kind of bravery before. I stand squaring my shoulders, head held high as they all stare at me. "We are going to do this. It's the best shot we have."
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I'm back My Little Coconuts!
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and a great start to their new year!!
Sadly this book is finally nearing its end.
What did you all think of the chapter?! Let me know your thoughts!
As Always I LOVE YOU!!