"LET'S BREAK UP."
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang muling umalingawngaw ang mga salitang iyon sa isip ko.
Napatingin pa nga ako sa paligid upang makasiguradong walang ni-isang pasahero ng bus ang makakakita sa muling pangingilid ng luha sa mga mata ko.
Bumuntong-hininga ako nang malalim at tiningnan ang bintana.
Ilang araw na rin ang nakalilipas simula nang ilibing si Newt at ilang araw na rin ang nakalilipas nang makipaghiwalay si Andrius. Sa mga araw na nagdaan ay mas lalo lang akong nahihirapan. Hanggang ngayon ay sariwa pa rin sa isip ko ang lahat, ganoon din ang sakit na hanggang ngayon ay sobrang hirap tanggapin.
"Ganoon nalang ba kadali 'yon?" nangingiyak kong sabi.
"Neska..." Andrius uttered and I saw how emotional his eyes were when he noticed how tears were escaping my eyes uncontrollably.
"It doesn't make sense, Andrius," I said and my voice cracked. "Normal lang naman na may pagkakataon na hindi ako ganoon ka-kumportable, 'di ba? Kasi bago pa lang tayo pero 'pag nagtagal, hindi ba't kusa nalang 'yon nangyayari? Andrius, just... just allow us some time to grow and I promise, I'd be comfortable with you the same way I am with Casper. Just give us time, please..."
Andrius gulped and when he can't handle it anymore, he wiped off the tears from my cheeks while giving me a weak smile.
"Neska, do you trust me?" he asked.
I slowly nodded while another wave of tears were forming in my eyes.
"You know I don't make sudden decisions, right?" he asked and he tucked my hair behind my ear. "That it usually takes me a lot of time to decide because I weight all the possibilities and consequences."
"Anong gusto mong sabihin?" tanong ko. "Na matagal mo na 'tong iniisip at ngayon ka lang nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob?"
Andrius smiled so weak and gave me a nod while tears were glimmering in his eyes.
"I wanted to let you go but whenever I see your smile, whenever I hear you laughing about literally anything, and whenever our eyes meet, nanghihina ako. 'How do I let go the only person who made me realize that I'm capable to love?' That's what I always think of."
Andrius sighed and it was clear that he was hurting.
"That's why I'm setting you free now, Neska. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob uli."
"When you love someone and you want to keep them with you forever, it's a matter of decision, of choice," I reasoned out. "The choice of holding on still, the choice of overlooking for possibilities to make things work again. If this doesn't work then we try this. It's not you against me, it's us against the problems, Andrius."
"I don't know," he said. "I'm afraid of ruining you. I'm afraid of drowning you again. I'm afraid I might unintentionally break you. You're too precious and you don't deserve even the slightest sting, Neska."
Andrius then took my hand and pressed my palm.
"That's why you have to trust my decision. I know, it doesn't make sense now but time will come that you'd thank me for this."
He met my eyes once more.
"So don't cry, hmm?" he said and he wiped off the tears on my cheeks. "I just... want you to be happy."
We fell silent for few minutes and were just looking at each other's eyes until his phone beeped. When he looked at it, he immediately turned it off.
"They're looking for us," he said.
In a snap, Andrius turned his back and started to walk away. Before I can even move or say anything, he suddenly stopped.
"Neska, can you promise me one thing?" he asked without looking back at me.
I didn't answer. I felt like dying at that moment.
"If we meet once more, can we fall in love again?"
I bit my lower lip as those words created a stab right through my heart.
"What a tragic love it is, isn't it?" he asked. "Our souls are connected but the universe sets us apart."
"Andrius..." I mumbled.
I saw how he looked down and took a deep breath.
Just then, I watched him as he walked away and vanished from my sight...
Napakagat akong muli sa dila ko nang ma-alala ko ang nangyari ilang araw na ang nakararaan.
Simula nang mangyari iyon, hindi na kami nag-usap pa ni Andrius. Madalang nalang siyang lumabas ng kuwarto niya at sa tuwing magkakasama naman kami ay palagi siyang tahimik at ni-minsan ay hindi ako tinitingnan. Siyempre, masakit sa akin 'yon.
Ate niyo Neska, sad gurl na.
I sighed.
"MISS, SA'N KA?"
Halos mapatalon ako nang biglang sumigaw ang konduktor.
"P-Po?" tanong ko. "Arayat lang—"
Bigla akong napahinto nang mapansin kong ako nalang ang tao sa loob ng bus. Bigla akong napatayo at kinuha ang bag ko.
"Lagpas na po ng Arayat?" tanong ko.
"Kanina pa," sabi nito. "Akala ko magpapa-ampon ka na sa 'min, e."
Nakipagtawanan pa 'ko sa konduktor bago tuluyang lumabas. Pa-kunwari pa 'kong may ka-text sa phone para hindi ako masiyadong mapahiya.
Nang tuluyang umalis ang bus ay nasapo ko ang noo ko.
"Neska, 'di ka naman manananggal pero ba't lutang ka?" bulong ko sa sarili at inis na nagbukas ng Google Map.
Papunta kasi ako ngayon sa office para mag-submit ng resignation letter at mag-clearance, kung sakali.
Masiyado nang maraming nangyari sa lugar na ito. Napagdesisyunan namin ni Aubrielle na pagkatapos ng lahat ay uuwi kami ng Maynila kasama si Reign para doon magsimula ulit.
Nang matukoy ang tamang daan ay nagsimula na akong maglakad.
Nitong mga nakaraang araw, sobrang laki ng pagbabago namin.
Si Andrius ay halos hindi na lumalabas ng kuwarto niya.
Si Traise at Courtney ay busy sa pag-aayos ng kasal nila dahil na rin sa death wish ni Newt.
Si Avery ay busy kay Heinz. Si Heinz naman ay hindi malaman kung nasaan nanaman. Habang si Tyler ay nababalisa dahil mukhang si Heinz daw ang pipiliin nito.
Si Aubrielle naman ay madaling-madali sa recovery niya dahil gusto na niyang mabisita ang mama niya.
At si Casper naman ay palaging tuliro at malalim ang iniisip. Kung dahil ba alam na niya kung nasaan ang posibleng tunay niyang magulang o dahil ba sariwa pa para sa kanya ang nangyari kay Newt ay hindi ko na alam.
Pumasok ako sa isang convenience store para bumili ng inumin. Sa balita pa lang mula sa loob at sa mga diaryo na naka-display ay napapayuko na agad ako.
Eh, paano, puro patungkol kay Heinz at Tyler ang naroroon. Kaliwa't kanang protesta ang makikita. Lahat ay gustong ikulong si Heinz habang ang iba pa nga'y gusto siyang kuyugin. Karamihan ay mula sa mga pamilya ng naging biktima ng mga agila.
May mga balita rin patungkol sa mga nahuling miyembro ng kulto. Ang ilan pa nga ay mga artista at pulitiko—kasama ang tatay ni Avery. Ang totoo pala, ang ninanakaw nito noon sa gobyerno ay ibinibigay niya sa kulto kapalit ng suportang makukuha niya rito. Wala nang nagawa pa si Avery.
Unti-unti nang natatapos ang lahat ng gulo. Malapit na nga talaga ang wakas.
"Thank you, ma'am," sabi ng cashier at nginitian ko lang siya.
Habang papalabas ay bumuntong-hininga ako.
Imagine, pumunta ka lang dito para mag-trabaho pero bigla kang naging action star.
"Dark raven my ass," bulong ko sa sarili at ngumisi.
Nang itulak ko ang pinto ay hindi iyon bumukas. Sinubukan kong uli itulak pero ayaw talaga.
"Pull ang sabi, hindi push."
Agad akong napalingon sa nagsalita. Nakasuot ito ng itim na hoodie at itim na jogger pants. Nakasuot din ito ng itim na mask at bilog na salamin sa mata.
"T-Thanks—"
Natigil ako nang magtama ang paningin naming dalawa.
Nagpalinga-linga ako para tingnan kung may nakatingin ba sa amin.
"Anong...ginagawa mo rito?!" mahina kong tanong pero naroroon ang tensyon.
It was him.
The man that everyone was looking for.
It was Heinz.
Walang emosyon ang mga matang tiningnan niya lang ako.
Tiningnan kong muli ang paligid at nang walang nakakapansin ay tiningnan ko siya.
"Paano kung may makakilala sa 'yo? Eh, 'di kuyog ka," bulong ko.
"Mas mahuhuli ako kung mag s-stay pa tayo rito," sagot niya.
"Pero—"
Agad niyang hinatak ang pinto at lumingon sa akin.
"This is how you pull a door," mahina niyang sabi ngunit kita sa mga mata niya ang pag-ngisi niya.
Nang lumabas siya ay agad ko siyang sinundan.
"Paano kung may makakilala sa 'yo? Anong gagawin mo?"
"I'll run," he shortly said.
"As expected," I scoffed. "Running away like how you ran away from the crimes."
He looked at me and I faked a laugh. "Char lang. Nakita ka na ba ni Avery?" tanong ko.
"No, not yet," sagot niya at mas lalong tinakpan ang mukha niya gamit ang hoodie niya.
"How about Tyler?" I asked.
"He doesn't know anything about me," he said.
"So ako pa lang nakakakita sa 'yo uli?" tanong ko. "Why me?!"
"I don't know," he said. "Maybe because we are supposed to marry each other?"
Agad akong napahinto sa paglalakad at ganoon din siya.
"What?" tanong niya nang mapansin ang pagkadiri sa mukha ko. "We were both raised to marry each other, according to your real dad and the wild bear's agreement. 'Di ba?"
"But that was—"
I got halted when the wind blew so strong. Nilipad pababa ang hoodie ni Heinz, dahilan para makita ko ang mukha niya at ang itim na itim niyang buhok na nililipad ng hangin.
"That was what?" tanong niya.
Halos manlambot ang tuhod ko sa sobrang puti at kinis ng kutis niya. Sapat na ang itim niyang mga mata para matunaw ka.
"T-That was...uh...uhm...wait..."
I literally panicked.
No wonder why Avery was torn!
When he saw I was blushing, I saw he smirked.
"You don't have to say it," he said. "I know it's disturbing. We don't have to fulfill their so-called prophecy either. The eagle and the Wild Bear are gone. We are free now, Neska. As we should be."
We were looking at each other's eyes for few seconds until he gulped.
"I'm sorry for ruining your life and your friends' life. I owe you guys a lot," he said.
"No, it should be me who's apologizing. My real dad created the cult. Siya ang puno't dulo ng lahat. Biktima ka lang din, Heinz. Kagaya ko. Kagaya namin."
He nodded understandingly. "But remember the promise? That once you meet me, you should kill me. Otherwise, I will kill you?"
"Na-aalala ko," sabi ko. "It was the Wild Bear, right?"
Umiling si Heinz na ikina-kunot ng noo ko.
"The Wild Bear and I were battling that time because I wanted to stop him from killing your mom. Siyempre, siya ang nanalo. Pero nang oras na 'yon, nang mga sandaling 'yon, it was me, Neska. It was me who told you that. I wanted you to meet me and kill me, so all those shits will finally end."
I couldn't answer. Ni-hindi ko malaman ang sasabihin o gagawin.
Nagsimula akong maglakad at sinundan niya ako.
"Anong plano mo ngayon?" tanong ko. "Alam kong alam mo na hindi ka puwedeng magtago lang habang-buhay."
"I know," he said as he hid himself through his hoodie again. "In fact, I'll surrender myself tonight."
Muli akong napahinto at napatingin sa kanya.
"May warrant of arrest na para sa 'kin," sabi niya. "Hindi kayang harangin ni Avery o ni Mayor iyon. I should face it, I must pay for it."
"Pero hindi ikaw ang may gawa ng krimen," rason ko. "Iyong alter mo 'yun. Do you consider filing an insanity plea?"
Heinz shrugged. "I know I can be acquitted through insanity plea. Maraming ebidensya na wala ako sa katinuan nang mangyari ang mga krimen at hindi ako ang gumawa niyon. Pero, I have a fair share of the crime. Nakipag-negotiate pa nga ako sa Wild Bear. It means, aware ako sa nangyayari pero hindi ako naki-alam. Hindi ako nagsumbong. Nanahimik ako dahil takot din ako."
Heinz sighed.
"And, that makes me guilty of the crimes. Turning a blind eye is as bad as being the perpetrator. Besides, hindi kakayanin ng konsensya ko na hindi pagbayaran ang lahat. I'll surrender myself tonight for everyone's peace of mind."
I nodded understandingly.
"This is when we part ways, I guess," sabi niya. "I'll go straight here dahil dito naka-park ang kotse ko. And you turn left, doon ang office."
"Okay," tipid kong sagot. "Nice meeting you, Heinz. Thanks for being brave."
He just smiled at me weakly.
Nang tumawid siya at naglakad papalayo ay hindi ko maiwasang malungkot.
I used to hate him, yes, and there's still a portion of me that hates him.
Pero sa tuwing ma-aalala ko ang pinagdaanan niya, hindi mo maiwasang ma-awa. Kahit na gaano pa naging marahas ang mundo sa kaniya, pinili pa rin niyang maging mabuti.
At nakalulungkot lang na nagsimula ang lahat ng pinagdaraanan niya dahil sa pamilya niya.
Only if Heinz grew up in a loving family, would it create a different life for him?
I wonder.
I really do.
Not too long after, it happened. Heinz surrendered himself just like what he promised. Katulad nang inaasahan, naging national topic iyon. Kaliwa't kanang media ang makikita sa lugar.
"Nawa'y lahat Heinz," nakabusangot na sabi ni Tyler kinaumagahan nang nasa loob kami ng kuwarto ni Aubrielle.
Ngayon ang discharge ni Aubrielle at kahapon naman ang kay Casper. Ang malala nga lang ay hindi nagsabi si Casper. Nagulat nalang kami ay nag-discharge siya at hanggang ngayon ay hindi nagpapakita. Kung bakit, hindi rin namin alam. Pinili mnalang namin i-respeto.
Nakangising tiningnan ni Traise si Tyler. "Anong nawa'y lahat Heinz? Sana lahat kriminal, ganoon?"
"Aba, nawa'y lahat nga," sagot ni Courtney.
Nagkatawanan kami sa loob.
"'Di ako nakikipagbiruan, ah," sagot ni Tyler. "When Heinz surrendered himself last night, Avery went there and hasn't come back since then. What am I supposed to feel? What if she chose him? What should I do?!"
"Calm," sagot ni Traise na naka-sandal sa dingding at nakapikit. "If she wants you, she'll choose you."
"Gandang advice niyan, ah," sarkastikong sagot ni Tyler. "Palibhasa ikakasal na."
Hindi na sumagot si Traise at ngumiti nalang.
"Kumusta pala preparation?" tanong ni Aubrielle kay Courtney na nakahiga sa kama at umiidlip din.
"Nakakapagod pero masaya. 'Pag ito hindi natuloy, magiging kriminal na talaga ako."
Nagkatawanan kami uli.
"Nasa'n na ba doktor mo?" tanong ko kay Aubrielle.
Aubrielle just shrugged at patuloy sa pag-aapply ng lipstick habang may nakaturok pa rin na dextrose.
"Aaaaaaah, ayoko naaaaaa," pagrereklamo ni Tyler. "Paano kung si Heinz talaga pinili niya? Tapos siyempre si Heinz magpapakulong pero gusto magbigay ng thrill. Ipipilit ni Avery ang insanity plea pero si Heinz, pa-mysterious. Then, habang nag-uusap sila, sasabihin niya—"
"—DEFEND ME, ATTORNEY..."
Sabay-sabay na sabi namin nina Tyler at Aubrielle.
"AAAAAHHHH!" napatili kami sa kilig ni Aubrielle habang si Tyler naman ay sinabunutan ang sarili.
"Then sasabihin niya 'If pleading guilty means protecting you, I will,'" dagdag ni Tyler at tiningnan si Traise at Courtney. "Ngi-ngiti-ngiti kayo, 'no? Ang bababoy ninyo."
"Ba't ba ang bitter mo?" pang-iinis ni Courtney. "Respect her choice."
"FYI I don't deserve to be just a choice. I deserve to be the only answer," ganti ni Tyler.
"Eyyyy!" pag-iingay namin ni Aubrielle at nag-dab pa. Naiiling na ngumiti si Traise habang patuloy sa pagtatalo si Tyler at Courtney.
"Oo na, tanggap ko na," nakasimangot na sabi ni Tyler. "Tanggap ko na baka mabubuhay talaga ako mag-isa. Na ako 'yong kaibigang lunod sa trabaho, maraming ipon, pero walang pamilya. 'Yong palaging naka-out of town tapos minsan lang umuuwi. 'Yong magiging paborito ng mga pamangkin kasi malaki magbigay ng pera. 'Yong magiging tipo ng tito na malaki ang tiyan, laging naka-tuck in, nakasalamin at napapanot na."
Patuloy kami lahat sa pagtawa. Kahit si Traise at Courtney na pagod dahil sa pag-aayos ng kasal ay nawala ang antok katatawa dahil kay Tyler.
"Oo na, tanggap ko na. Hindi niyo na 'ko dapat asarin. Gusto niyo bukas mamili na 'ko ng mga polo shirt na stripes."
Nagtawanan kami habang si Tyler ay seryosong nag ku-kuwento.
"Seryoso. Paano nga kung hindi ka pinili?" tanong ko.
"We may not end up together, but at least we met. Okay na 'ko run."
Natigil kami nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa niyon si Avery na ayos na ayos.
Agad na napatayo si Tyler at hindi malaman ang gagawin.
"Hi bitch," bati rito ni Courtney.
"Hey bitch," sagot ni Avery at tiningnan kami isa-isa. "Anong may'ron?"
"Ah, 'yun ba," pang-iinis ko at pinandilatan ako ni Tyler.
Napansin iyon ni Avery kaya tinapik niya nang malakas ang tiyan ni Tyler dahilan para humiyaw ito.
"'Yung abs ko!" reklamo nito.
"Mas maganda tingnan abs ni Heinz kaysa sa 'yo, 'wag kang ma-arte," sabi ni Avery at tumingin sa 'kin. "Ano sasabihin mo?"
"Ah, 'yung—"
"Huh!" reklamo ni Tyler. "Mas maganda raw. Hobby mo na pala tumingin sa katawan ng mga lalaki?"
Natigil sa pag ma-make-up si Aubrielle at napadilat naman si Traise. Nakangisi kaming lahat dahil sa live bardagulan na nasa harap namin.
"Anong sabi mo?!" tanong ni Avery at nakataas na ang isang kilay nito.
"Don't tell me pati katawan ni Traise nakita mo na?"
Hinarap ni Avery si Tyler at ngumisi.
"SO NAKITA MO NA NGA?!" gulat na tanong ni Tyler.
"BITCH???" reaksyon ni Courtney.
"That was in high school. Wala naman 'yang abs n'un, super flat lang ang tiyan akala mo plywood."
Biglang nasamid si Traise at literal na napatayo. "Ah, kaya pala titig na titig ka n'on?"
"Wow!" sagot ni Tyler at pumalakpak. "Ibang klase. N'ung time na nadatnan mo 'kong naliligo nang hubo't hubad, sadya ba 'yon?"
"WHAT?!" sagot ni Avery.
"OMG ano 'yon?!" reaksyon ni Aubrielle. "Shuta, paki-kuha ang dustpan! Nagsisimula na silang magkalat!"
"Sadya 'yon, 'no?! You really wanted to see my—"
"—kikiam," dugtong ni Avery
"—body," pagtapos ni Tyler at biglang nanlaki ang mga mata sa sinabi ni Avery. "KIKIAM?!"
"Anong kikiam?" tanong ko.
Itinuro ni Aubrielle ang zipper ni Tyler at napatakip ako ng bibig nang ma-realize ko.
"Okay, enough," mariing sabi ni Tyler at maya-maya'y biglang hinubad pa-itaas ang suot nitong itim na damit.
"What are you doing?" tanong ni Avery.
"Getting your attention," halos pabulong na sabi ni Tyler at tuluyang hinubad ang suot na damit.
Biglang tinakpan ni Traise ang mata ni Courtney. Literal na nalaglag ang panga ko nang makita kung gaano kaganda ang katawan ni Tyler dahilan para i-angat ni Aubrielle ang bibig ko at tuluyang isara.
Nakasuot lang si Tyler ngayon ng itim na slacks at nakaharap kay Avery. Namumula ang pagitan ng dibdib nito at may bahagyang pawis na tumutulo.
"What do you think you're doing?" walang emosyong tanong ni Avery.
"I already said it," ganti ni Tyler at nakatingin lang sa mata ni Avery. "I want your attention to be mine. All mine."
"And taking your clothes off is your best way?" Avery asked.
"I can take off everything but not here," Tyler fought back. "That's only for you to see."
Nagtitigan sila nang ilang segundo hanggang ngumisi si Avery.
"Tyler Scott being this desperate, huh?"
"Better be desperate than sorry," sagot ni Tyler.
"Threatened about Heinz?"
"As I should be," sagot muli ni Tyler.
Ngumisi si Avery at tiningnan si Tyler sa mga mata.
"Did you check your messages?"
"No," sagot ni Tyler. "Naka-off message notification ko. Why?"
Avery shook her head. "I was asking you to date me, dumb ass."
"Okay, let me check—wait—WHAT?! DATE?!?" gulat na tanong ni Tyler.
Tumango lang si Avery habang nakangisi pa rin.
"I texted Courtney at sabi niya narito ka raw kaya I went straight here."
Tiningnan ni Tyler nang masama si Courtney. "Kanina pa 'ko nag dra-drama rito, wala kang sinasabi?"
"Nakakatuwa kaya," natatawang sabi ni Courtney. "If may journalist lang dito, ipapa-headline ko 'yan. 'Tyler Scott natagpuang tanga'".
Nagtawanan kami pero mas lamang ang inis kay Tyler.
"Naka-park kotse ko sa ibaba. You have 2 minutes," sabi ni Avery at akmang aalis na nang biglang higitin ni Tyler ang braso niya.
"We'll use your car?" tanong ni Tyler. "Naka-park din car ko sa ibaba. We can use it."
"No," mariing sagot ni Avery. "Mas maganda at mas mahal ang kotse ko. Ako rin mag d-drive para mabilis. Let's go."
"Ba't parang ako 'yung babae?" tanong ni Tyler habang isinu-suot ang damit niya.
"Walang gender ang pag d-drive. Besides, this is the price of dating a strong and empowered women."
"Why not we drive my car then drive on me after?"
Pinanliitan ni Avery ng mga mata si Tyler.
"Okay, okay, I'm joking!" defensive nitong sabi.
"You have two minutes," sagot ni Avery. Kumaway ito sa amin bago tuluyang lumabas at naglakad papalayo.
"Guess what? Hindi na 'ko titong panot at malaki ang tiyan," nakangising sabi ni Tyler sa amin at nagmamadaling lumabas para sundan si Avery.
Naiwan kaming apat sa kuwarto at naiiling nalang.
"Sa wakas, hindi na problemado si Tyler," sabi ko.
"Hindi na siya sad boy," sagot ni Traise na ikinatawa namin.
"Nawa'y lahat nag da-date," sabi ni Courtney at tumingin kay Traise. "Kailan huling date natin?"
"Last year," tipid na sagot ni Traise. "Don't worry about it, we're getting married, aren't we? We have the rest of our lives to date."
"Tss," reklamo ni Courtney.
"Tss?" tanong ni Traise. "Do you really want a date?"
Tumango si Courtney.
Agad na tumayo si Traise at kinuha ang jacket niya.
"B-Bakit?" tanong ni Courtney.
"You said you want a date. Tara."
"Seryoso ba?" tanong ni Courtney.
Tumangu-tango si Traise at isinuot ang salamin.
"Ayaw mo?"
"Siyempre, gusto," sagot ni Courtney at agad na tumayo.
"Bilisan natin maglakad para maabutan natin sila Avery. We'll borrow Tyler's car."
"Eh nasa'n kotse mo?" tanong ni Aubrielle.
"He sold it," sagot ni Courtney.
"Seryoso? Para saan?" tanong ko.
"Additional budget for the wedding," sabi ni Courtney. "Ewan ko ba sa taong 'to. Ayaw gastusin ang savings niyang milyon-milyon ang laman."
"My savings are for our future kids," sagot ni Traise kay Courtney at isinuot ang coat. "I wanna make sure that they would live a comfortable life that I didn't experience before."
Ini-ayos nito ang buhok at hinawakan ang kamay ni Courtney.
"Girls, we're going out. Beep me up if something happens."
Tango nalang ang naging tugon namin ni Aubrielle. Nang sumara ang pinto ay sabay kaming napa-buntong-hininga.
"Sana lahat may Tyler."
"Sana lahat may Traise."
Sabay naming sabi na ikinatawa namin pareho.
"Kumusta ka?" tanong niya bigla.
Umay na tiningnan ko siya. Hindi kami ganito ni Aubrielle noon.
"Hoy, seryoso ako," sabi niya. "Kumusta ka nga?"
"Oks lang," sagot ko. "Ikaw ba?"
"Oks lang din," tugon niya.
Maya-maya'y bigla kaming natawa pareho.
"'Wag na pala tayo mag kumustahan, ang plastik n'un," sabi niya.
"True," sagot ko. "Nakakadiri."
Muli kaming natawa.
"Balita ko umiiyak ka parin gabi-gabi, kaya ko na-itanong," sabi niya bigla.
"Sino nagsabi sa 'yo? Si Reign?"
Tumango lang si Aubrielle.
"Chismosa talaga ng batang 'yon."
"Mana sa 'yo," sagot ni Aubrielle.
Ngumiti lang ako. "Okay lang ako minsan, minsan hindi. Depende siguro kung kailan ko ma-aalala si papa. Hanggang ngayon kasi hindi ko pa rin tanggap na... na siya pala ang puno't dulo ng lahat. May part sa 'kin na nagagalit pero may part na na-mimiss siya. Ewan, magulo."
"You hate what he did but not him," sagot ni Aubrielle. "I understand."
"May sinabi pa ba si Reign sa 'yo?" tanong ko. "How about kung kanino siya sasama?"
"Sabi niya pag-iisipan daw niya," sagot ni Aubrielle. "Gusto niyang pumunta sa step mom niya pero natatakot siya. Ewan ko rin ba sa bata na 'yon. Nilulunod ang sarili sa part-time niya para iwasan ang problema."
"Aren't we all?" tanong ko.
Natawa si Aubrielle.
"By the way, Neska. If ever I was a toxic person to you when we were in college, I... want to apologize. When you came to our house, you were so fragile. I became firm so you could be strong enough to face the world—and you are, now. You even became the dark raven and I'm proud, super proud."
Hindi ko malaman ang gagawin o sasabihin. Kahit si Aubrielle ay napansin iyon.
"N-Nasa'n na pala 'yong doktor mo?" awkward kong tanong. "Kanina pa—"
Natigil kami nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang may katangkarang lalaki. Base sa pananamit ay siguradong ito ang doktor ni Aubrielle.
Kutis palang ay alam mo nang mayaman iyon. Ang katawan nito'y hindi ganoon kalaki at hindi rin ganoon kapayat pero halata na nag g-gym ito lalo na sa pagkakahulma ng dibdib nito na bumabakat sa suot nitong polo.
Nagkatinginan kami ni Aubrielle at gets ko kaagad ang tingin niya.
"I'm sorry I was late. Did I make you wait?"
Halos dumagundong ang kuwarto sa lalim ng boses nito na papasa na bilang voice actor.
"Not really," sagot ni Aubrielle habang tumitingin pa rin sa akin. Kita ko ang pagka-tense niya at ganoon din ako.
Tiningnan ako ng doktor at ngumiti ito sa 'kin.
"Her sister?" tanong nito.
"H-Huh?" maang kong tanong dahil nanginginig na 'ko sa sobrang lalim niyang tumingin.
"So beauty runs through your blood, huh," nakangiti nitong sagot at inasikaso na si Aubrielle.
Pinanlalakihan ko ng mata si Aubrielle at hindi niya 'ko pinapansin. Nagbigay ng advisements ang doktor. Matapos ang lahat ay tumayo ito.
"Oh, sorry, I forgot," sabi nito at tumingin sa 'kin. "I'm Doctor Brent Hudson."
"Hudsons?" tanong ko. "Ka-anu-ano mo si Levi Hudson, 'yong child actor before and model?"
"Ah, he's my brother," nakangiti nitong sagot.
"Saan mo nakilala 'yon?" tanong ni Aubrielle.
"'Yung kaibigan ni Reign, idol 'yun," sagot ko.
"Alright. Here's the medicine she has to take for the whole week."
Kinuha ko ang prescription at nagpasalamat.
"Aubrielle, right?" tanong ni Brent kay Aubrielle.
"Yes," sagot ni Aubrielle. "Aubrielle Baxter."
"How do you want me to address you?"
"Aubrielle will do," sagot nito.
"Aubrielle, may I ask for a date?"
"Sure," sagot ni Aubrielle. "Today's Wednesday, the 16th day of—"
"No, I'm not asking for the date, but for a date."
Ilang segundong nag-loading ang utak ko hanggang sa na-gets ko. Halos tumili ako sa loob pero si Aubrielle na sinabihan ay tinititigan lang ang doktor.
"What do you mean?" tanong ni Aubrielle rito.
"In other words, I'm asking you to go out with me, Ms. Baxter. I'm interested in you."
Natahimik si Aubrielle at hindi malaman ang gagawin.
"I'm not asking for an upfront response, though. You can think about it and let me know if you have decided."
Naglabas ng calling card ang doktor at inilagay iyon sa palad ni Aubrielle.
"Take a chance on me."
Without uttering any words, the doctor left. Maang na nagkatinginan kami ni Aubrielle.
"What the fck was that?" tanong ko.
Ikinuwento sa 'kin ni Aubrielle ang lahat. Noon pa raw ay nararamdaman na niya na type siya ng doktor pero 'di niya ginagawang big deal dahil baka raw assuming lang siya. Ngayong totoo nga, hindi niya malaman ang gagawin.
Nauna na lumabas si Aubrielle para kausapin 'yong doktor. Nang mabagot ako kahihintay sa kanya ay lumabas ako para magpahangin.
Saktong paglabas ko ay nakita kong pasara na ang pinto ng kwarto ni Andrius. Agad kong hinarang ang paa ko para maabutan iyon at agad iyong bumukas.
"Neska?" tanong ni Andrius. "Okay ka lang?"
Tumango ako.
"Hindi ba nasaktan ang paa mo?"
Umiling naman ako.
"Why? Do you have something to say?"
I gulped as I met his eyes.
I missed him.
I missed everything about him.
"Kumusta ka na?" tanong ko.
He shrugged. "The same. Ikaw ba?"
I bit my lower lip. "The same too."
Tumango siya at tiningnan ako sa mga mata. He was supposed to say something but I halted him.
"I'm still confused, Andrius," I said. "Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan na sapat na rason 'yong mas kumportable ako kay Casper kaysa sa 'yo para maghiwalay tayo. Kahit anong isip ko... wala eh. Hindi na ba magbabago ang isip mo? Hindi ka ba... nag o-overthink lang?"
"I'm a calculated person, Neska. Do you think I'll let go the best thing that ever happened to me just because I'm overthinking?"
"Ewan," sagot ko. "O baka namsn nagsasawa ka na? Baka naman... hindi mo na 'ko mahal?"
"Neska, I am known as the three-faced king. I have Cliford, I have Andrius, and I have Blake. I may have three faces but all of them fell for you. Do you think I'll cry for you if I fell out of love?"
"Then why things have to be this complicated?" tanong ko.
"I don't have the answer for now, Neska. But when we reached the aftermath, you'll know which is the false love. Until then, let's give ourselves some space, hmm?"
Before I can even say a single word, I felt a presence near me. When I looked at the hallway, I saw a man wearing a coat and a white shirt inside it.
It was him.
It was Casper.
From an emotionless face, his eyes smiled along with his lips when he saw me. He waved his hands when our eyes met.
"Have you been well?" tanong niya.
"Now is the time to get some clues about who's the fake love and who's not," Andrius said.
When I looked at him, he smiled at me weakly.
"Evaluate your feelings wisely."
Few days have passed at na-discharge na rin si Andrius. Habang busy ang lahat dahil sa papalapit na kasal nila Courtney at Traise, ako naman lalong naguguluhan sa nararamdaman ko.
Sino nga ba talaga ang fake love at sino ang hindi?
"Paano mo ba malalaman kung fake love ang nararamdaman mo sa tao o hindi?"
Agad na nagtinginan sa 'kin sina Courtney, Avery, at Aubrielle. Nasa loob kami ng isang kuwarto at pare-parehong nagsusukat ng damit.
"What do you mean?" tanong ni Courtney. "Don't tell me 'di ka sure sa nararamdaman mo kay Judge Blake?"
"Curious lang ako. Paano mo ba malalaman na mas gusto mo ang isa kaysa sa isa? O kung iyong love na nararamdaman mo for a particular person is greater, or more real, than the other? Ang confusing, 'di ba?"
"Ah, so we're talking about Andrius and Casper here?" pakikisali ni Aubrielle.
"Aubrielle!" singhal ko.
"Why?!" sagot niya. "If you want our help, magpakatotoo ka nga."
"Okay, okay," Avery said and she sat in front of me."Let's do this since you are curious, okay?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Close your eyes," she commanded.
"But why—"
"Just do as I say," she said. "Ginawa ko na 'to noon at nangyari na sa akin 'to noon. Medyo effective naman kaya try natin sa 'yo."
And I closed my eyes.
"What's next?" I asked.
"Think of him," she said.
"Who?" I asked.
"Him."
"Who's him?"
"Neska, seryoso ba?" tanong ni Avery na obvious na nawawalan na ng pasensya. "The one you immediately remember with the word, 'him'."
"O-Okay..." I said, eyes closed still.
I tried to remember anyone.
Then something came to my mind.
"If I'll chase my happiness, will you be there?"
"I hate myself but I learned to love you first."
I bit my lower lip.
Bakit naman parehong sila ang na-aalala ko?
"Now, think of his eyes. Attractive, right?"
I then remembered Andrius' cold eyes and Casper's bright eyesmile.
"Now the bridge of his nose, down to his aesthetically crafted soft lips. Imagine that irresistible feeling of kissing him."
I bit my lip.
I suddenly felt the burst of emotions when Andrius kissed me.
At the same time, I also felt the tension whenever Casper's lips were touching my ears whenever he whispers me about something.
"Hear his voice, soothing, isn't it?"
I can hear Andrius' chuckles and Casper's warm laughs in the morning.
"How about the warmth of his hug? The feeling of being secured whenever his hands are intertwined with yours?"
The feeling of being secured?
I suddenly remembered how Casper saved me the night when the eagles were chasing me.
I also remembered how the Andrius embraced those bullets so Avery and me can run and save our lives.
"Now, can you imagine his face? Do you know who he is now?"
I saw two faces.
"Whoever that person is, that's where your heart belongs..."
Beat.
Confusion swallowed me.
That's where my heart belongs?
But I can literally see them.
BOTH OF THEM.
"Did it help?" Avery asked.
"Hindi ko alam," sagot ko. "Mas lalo ata akong naguluhan."
"Let's try this," sabi ni Courtney. "What do you wanna drink? Coffee, Water, or Orange Juice?"
"Coffee nalang," sagot ko.
Agad akong inabutan ni Courtney ng orange juice.
"I said coffee," I told her.
"Yeah, I heard that," Courtney said. "But come to think of it. Do you really need a coffee? Why? Because of it's taste? Okay, it's yummy. How about after drinking it? You feel the sudden anxiety, right? The sudden panic attack, you become uneasy, there will be a lot of chest pains."
Courtney gulped and met my eyes.
"But if you'll choose the orange juice, it's fine. You'll just be as calm as you are before, during, and after drinking it. No anxiety, no panic attack, no nervousness, and no chest pain."
"What are you trying to say?" I asked.
"What I'm trying to say is be with the orange juice. Be with someone who can calm you down, someone you feel so comfortable with. Be with someone who seems like the orange juice to you. Choose someone who's healthy enough for you. So, be smart and just observe who between the two guys is a coffee and who is an orange juice."
Maang na napatingin ako kay Courtney.
"Saan niyo nakukuha 'yang mga linya na 'yan?"
"TUNED IN," sagot ni Avery.
"By Josh Gonzales," dagdag ni Courtney.
"Tuned—what?!"
"That's a novel, dumb bitch," sagot ni Aubrielle. "Anyway, now you're torn between coffee and the orange juice, right?"
I nodded.
"Well, if that's the case, you just have to ask yourself. Are you willing to experience shits with the coffee or live a plain life with an orange juice?"
Parehong nakikinig si Avery at Courtney sa amin.
"Sure, they'll give you both butterflies and bees in your stomach or even the whole zoo inside you. Sure, they'll make your soul at peace, an instant comfort zone, an instant connection, undeniably a home in human form. Sure, they'll love you, but love isn't just about feelings and ain't just about the strings that have been knotted, right?"
Aubrielle gulped.
"Love also is a choice. A choice to keep things going, a choice to make things work. A choice to choose each other more than anything, to overlook for possibilities to make things work. Love is a mixture of fate, feelings, and choice."
Aubrielle took a glass and filled it with water.
"Neska, pick someone who sees the future in you and sees the entire universe in your eyes. Be with someone who sees you as too hard to have and too important to lose. Never force love, love is natural," she said and she placed the glass right in front of me. "As natural as this water."
"Anong gusto mong sabihin?" tanong ko.
"What I'm saying is, pick the one with the purest intention," Aubrielle then took out the coffee and the orange juice and replaced them with water. "As pure as water."
Like a water.
As pure as water.
I contemplated about it overnight.
And somehow, I got some answers...
At long last, the wedding happened.
It was simple but it was oozing with so much class and love.
Normal lang ang kasal. Tyler was the best man and Avery was the maid of honor. Inaabangan pa nga ng lahat ang pagdating ng kapatid ni Avery na si Lyle pero hindi ito dumating dahil busy daw sa school. Nagpadala nalang ito ng regalo at naintindihan naman nila Traise.
Hindi rin nakapunta ang tatay ni Courtney dahil hanggang ngayon ay nakakulong pa ito. Si Traise naman ay nagpagawa ng standee na may mukha ng nanay niya dahil pangarap daw nito na makita siyang ikinakasal at kahit na sa ganoong pagkakataon ay matupad niya ang hiling ng magulang.
Mga kakilala at mga kaibigan lang ang pina-anyayahan nila. Sarado rin ito sa media at publiko. Nagpagawa din kami ng standee ni Newt at kasama iyon ni ateng cashier na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko alam ang pangalan.
Si Andrius naman ay kasama ang magulang. Hindi ako makalapit dahil natatakot ako sa tatay niya. Si Aubrielle naman ay kasama si Brent, iyong doktor niya. Nag da-date na rin sila. Kaya heto ako't kasama si Reign.
Si Casper naman ay ang napili nilang kumanta. Ang kinakanta nito ay PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER.
Maayos naman ang kasal. Sabi nga ni Traise, pakakasalan niya uli si Courtney sa mas enggrandeng lugar. Ginagawa nila ito ngayon para kay Newt.
Okay na sana ang kasal kung hindi lang matapos sabihin ng pari na 'You may kiss the bride' ay hindi na nakapagpigil si Courtney at siya pa ang unang humalik.
"Ano 'to, mukbang?" natatawa kong tanong.
Matapos ang kasal ay lumipat na kami sa reception area. Ilang oras na ang nakalilipas ay hindi ko makita si Casper o si Andrius. Gusto kong may maka-usap manlang sa kanila para maliwanagan ako.
Ilang oras ang lumipas pero kahit isa ay wala akong makita. Nagsimula na akong mag tanung-tanong pero matapos daw ang kasal ay hindi na nila pa nakita ang sinuman sa dalawa.
"Anong nangyayari?" tanong ko sa sarili.
Habang nagsisimula nang magsayawan ang lahat ay halos mapatalon naman ako nang biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko.
Agad kong sinagot ang tawag nang makita ko kung sino iyon.
"Andrius?!" tanong ko.
"Hey," rinig kong sabi niya.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko. "N-Nasa'n ka?"
"Why?" he asked. "Do you miss me?"
"Nasa'n ka nga?" tanong ko. "You're not hiding, aren't you?"
"That's the reason why I'm calling," he said. "Neska...I'm... flying out of the country today."
"WHAT?!" bulyaw ko dahilan para magtinginan sa 'kin ang mga tao. "Andrius... you're... you're joking, right?"
"I'm a lame joker, Neska. It's real. I'm with my parents now and we're flying out of the country in few minutes, for my medication."
"B-Bakit mo ngayon mo lang sinabi?" tanong ko. "Andrius... when are you coming back?"
"In a year? In 5 years? Or maybe never? I don't know, Neska. It depends on the medication, I guess."
"What the hell..." bulong ko at agad-agad na lumabas ng reception area. "Nasa'n ka? I'll go to you. Please don't leave yet. Please, Andrius, I'm begging..."
"Before I do that, let me tell you something," Andrius started. "Casper is leaving today, too."
Literal na napahinto ako sa paglalakad at para bang nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko.
"He's going to his mom to find out the truth about his identity. He didn't say it to you because he might not be coming back. Nag-promise ako sa kanya na hindi ko sasabihin sa 'yo gaya ng gusto niya pero hindi ko matiis. I don't wanna be unfair to you, Neska."
Tears started to fall uncontrollably from my eyes.
"We have the same time of flight but we are in different location. I'll send you my address and his address. You have half an hour to decide where to go and who to stop."
"Andrius..." I uttered in between my tears. "I don't know what to do..."
"This is the aftermath that will decide which is the false love," Andrius said. "I'm giving you the freedom to choose the love that you deserve, Neska. Be happy. I love you, always."
Just then, the call ended. Few seconds later, I received a text message from Andrius stating his address and Casper's address. Nasa magka-ibang airport sila pero pareho ang time of departure.
Sinubukan kong tawagan uli si Andrius pero hindi ito sumasagot. Nang subukan ko kay Casper ay hindi rin ito sumasagot at malamang ay nakapatay ang cellphone.
Umiiyak man at hindi malaman ang gagawin ay nagawa ko pa ring makasakay ng taxi. Mukhang nakisabay pa ang langit sa nararamdaman ko nang unti-unting bumuhos ang malakas na ulan.
"Ma'am, sa'n po tayo?" tanong ng driver.
Hindi ko malaman ang sasabihin. Hindi ko malaman kung kanino ako pupunta.
"Ma'am?" tanong muli ng driver.
Is it Andrius?
Is it Casper?
Iyak lang ang naging tugon ko.
"Ma'am okay lang po kayo?"
"Opo," sagot ko habang nagpupunas ng luha.
Maya-maya'y may ibinigay akong address sa driver at umandar na rin kami. Habang nasa biyahe ay patuloy ang ahos ng luha ko.
Which is the real love?
Which is the false love?
Is it Casper whom I feel comfortable?
Or is it Andrius who always gave me butterflies in the stomach?
Is it my childhood friend?
Or is it my decade-long college crush?
Until as I complicated things, something hits me.
Right.
That could be it.
"M-Manong, saglit," sabi ko. "I-Iba na po ang pupuntahan natin."
In a snap, I found myself running towards the airport.
Everything makes sense now.
Lahat ng tanong ni Avery, siya na ang na-iisip ko ngayon.
Mula sa titig, sa yakap, sa boses—sa lahat.
Sana tama ako.
Sana...
Siya na nga...
Nang makapasok sa loob ng airport ay siya agad ang hinanap ko. Nanlalabo man ang paningin ay patuloy lang ako sa paghahanap.
"Please..." bulong ko sa sarili.
Nang hindi makatiis ay nagsimula akong isigaw ang pangalan niya.
Isa.
Dalawa.
Tatlo.
Napakaraming ulit at tinitingnan na ako ng lahat ngunit wala na akong pakialam. Hanggang sa huling sigaw ay narinig ko siyang muli.
"Neska?"
Agad akong napalingon.
Lalong nangilid ang mga luha ko nang makita siya.
I was right.
All along, it was him.
The love that I was unaware of.
Tears immediately fell down to my cheeks.
But this time, there was no more pain.
It was joy.
All joy.
"Casper..." I mumbled.
While maintaining an eye contact with him, I felt my heart beating. Unlike with Andrius, there was no chest pain. There were no butterflies or panic attacks.
His eyes felt like a safe haven.
And that was the moment I realized who was the false love and who was not...