Jo'nae Mariè Andrews, NJ📍
It's been two weeks since Ashanti and I went to the OP to help with the whole Rachel situation. We were sitting in my room on my bed talking.
"Girl I'm so hungry" She said holding her stomach.
"We just ate breakfast like half an hour ago." I said looking at her.
"Oh. Well shit Im still hungry." I looked at her and laughed
This girl loves to eat.
"Anyway, When were you going to tell me Rachel had kids?" She said giving me a look.
"I didn't think that was important. Besides the kids aren't around anyway. I forgot she even had them till I seen her facebook" I told her.
It's true. We all moved in this house when we were 19. Rachel brought both her kids with her but she kept dropping them with me like I was their damn babysitter. I kindly told her that if she can't watch her kids she needs to find someone who can or a place they all can stay. Ever since that day I haven't seen them. And I don't think she has either.
We were talking when I noticed Ashanti get a little pale in the face.
"Girl. You good?" I asked her. Just then she sprang up from my bed running to the bathroom. She threw up into the toilet while I held her hair. The boys came running after me.
"Ayo, Ashanti you good?" Jay asked her rubbing her back beside me. She knodded her head, flushed the toilet, and got up to brush her teeth. Jay went and got a water bottle and sat beside her on the counter.
"What's wrong?" He asked her.
"Must've ate to much." She said drinking the water.
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Ashanti Renèe Robinson, NY📍
Just when we were about to leave the bathroom we heard pounding on the front door. We stopped in our tracks and looked at eachother.
"Jay and Demarcus stay in here." I said pushing them back into the bathroom.
"No we're the men of the house!" Jay said trying to get pass me.
"Yea, well what if it's the police." Their eyes locked on eachother. They moved back into the bathroom while I shut the door. Jo'nae and I made our way to the door that was still being banged on.
"Who?" I called out. No answer just banging. I flung open the door and saw my mom standing on the other side
"Mom??" I said in a confused tone. She pushed past me and walked in the house.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I said to her closing the door.
"So this is where you decided to go?" She said looking the house. I can see the anger in her face.
"Ma, get the fuck out. You're not wanted here." I told her. "How did you even find me?"
"Your step sister has instagram you know." She said giving me a mug look. "You've been out here in Jersey living your best life. And left me in New York!" She yelled.
"You are a grown ass woman. I'm not the mother in this situation. I don't have to bring you any and everywhere with me! Do you know how dumb that sounds!"
"I am your mother you don't talk to me that way."
"Oh now your my mom. Now your my fucking mom. What about when I was younger! Where tf were you! Where were you! Where were you ma! You weren't anywhere to be found. All those nights i've called you crying for you to come home and what did you do?! What did yo tell me! You told me to stop being selfish. All I wanted was love and attention from you. That's shit that I was supposed to have! But you haven't shown it!" I started tearing up at the thought of not having the bond I wanted with my mom. I was heated and the only thing I wanted to do was cry.
"How is it that my dad-" She cut me off.
"We don't mention him!"
"We do mention him!" I yelled back. "Cause he was more of a parent you'll ever be! And he was behind bars ma. He was behind bars and you were next door. Every single time I needed you, you weren't there. Everytime I depended on you, you let me down. And now you want to claim that I'm your kid? You're a fuckin joke."
She stood there staring at me with tears in her eyes. She tried hugging me but I couldn't accept it. The damage was already done. I felt no type of affection towards my mom. And my heart felt like it it was breaking at the fact I couldn't tell her I love her because I would be lying.
"You need to leave." I said making my way around her. She started getting angry and knocking stuff off the walls. She tried attacking NaeNae that was standing there for moral support.
"It's your fault bitch! You took my daughter from me." She said grabbing her by her hair. I ran over to her and pulled her away from NaeNae.
"It's your fucking fault. It's your fault ma! No one else is to blame but you! You had a choice whether to be a mother and you didn't. You need to get the fuck out!" I said pushing her out the door. I slammed it and locked it before turning around.
Jay and Demarcus were now in the living room with concerned faces. I broke down crying at this point.
I was hurt. Very hurt. She has the nerve to blame everyone for her actions when it was her fault. She had the choice to be a mom and she didn't. She put everyone over me every chance she got!
Jay walked over to me hugging me tightly while Jo'nae and Demarcus talked to me, trying to calm me down. I wasn't paying attention to them. I just wanted to talk to my dad. I laid into Jay's arms taking in his embrace. I soon stopped crying and just stood there. Demarcus and Jo'nae pulled away but Jay still held me. Jo'nae went and got me a cup of water. I pulled away from Jay and drank it.
"How you feelin ma?" He asked me.
"Fine." I said drinking the water. Once I finished the cup I went to put it in the sink and walked upstairs to my room. I closed the door and sat on my bed looking at me and my fathers picture on my nightstands.
I really miss you dad.
I need to go see him. It's been a long time. I went back downstairs and everyone turned to me. I quietly walked back to Jo'nae's room to get my car keys.
"Where you goin ma" Jay said stopping me. I looked up at him.
"No where just for a drive." I left the house and hopped in my car.
And I drove. I didn't know where I was going but I just drove until I couldn't drive anymore. I drove to a park with a bridge that water would flow under. I got out and walked up to the water looking over into it. I saw a reflection. It wasn't me. I mean it was me but it didn't feel like me. I reached down to feel the water on my fingertips. It was cold, freezing cold. I smiled. I don't know why but I did. Then I remembered.
When I was a little girl my father would take me to the shore and he would only let me touch the water with my fingertips because he was afraid I would drown if I went in to far. He was so overprotective. He would do any and everything to make me happy. My mother purposely got him sent away. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I've been really emotional lately and I've been thinking about my father nonstop. Something keeps telling me to go see him. So I will. But I need time. I can't let him see me like this.
I got up and walked back to my car, letting the wind hit my face. I got in and shut the door. Jersey was different than New York. It was a different vibe. New york was a lot busier and fast pace. New Jersey is somewhere you can go to clear your mind. It's calm and not to loud. I started the car and started driving back home when I saw a homeless guy sitting on the side of the street. I was feeling in the mood to give back so I pulled over and got out the car.
"Hi, how's your day going?" I asked him. He was old but not that old. He was just sitting her calmly.
"Hey there, my day is alright it could be worse." He told me.
It can be worse, Ashanti. I thought to myself.
I knodded at him and went back to my car. Reaching through the passenger side I grabbed a stack of money out my bag. It was 100s and 50s that's it. I looked at it walking up to him. I crouched down to his level. I gave him the stack of money.
"I hope I made it better." He smiled and looked up at me.
"Oh, Miss I can't take this. This is too much. You might need it." He said trying to give me the money.
"I don't. You can have it I promise." I got up and walked back to my car. I turned back to him.
"Have a good day." He knodded and I returned to my car.
People have it worse than I do. Some have no family, no home, and barely any food. I feel better. I don't need to be wasting my time being sad. I'm not going to let my mother control me like she has my entire life. Fuck Her.