I sat near Luke and Chewie as they played some sort of game with holograms. Chewie released a howl when Luke made a move.
"That's not cheating, Chewie," Luke scolded. "That's just how the game works."
Chewbacca howled again in protest.
"We go through this every time," the young Jedi, who was also my brother, responded.
Leia walked through the doorway of the Millennium Falcon and greeted me with a smile.
Despite being triplets, the three of us looked nothing alike. Leia's hair was much darker than Luke's and his face was rounder. Out of the two of us girls, Leia had gotten the better looks in my opinion.
I didn't even have a chance to speak to my sister before Han appeared by her side. He stood close to her and smiled. The two spoke quietly for several moments.
I felt a pang if guilt in my chest and looked away. I was happy for Leia. Truly. She was my sister after all.
I stared at the game board, trying to pull my thoughts away from the handsome smuggler. I was unsuccessful.
From the moment I met him, I wanted him to myself. He was attractive, witty, charming, and brave.
But one looked at Leia was all it took and he fell. She didn't even like him at first. She would rave to me about how much she couldn't stand the scruffy looking man, while I listened and secretly wished I could press my lips against his.
I glanced over at them at they were still talking. "Shouldn't somebody be flying the ship?" I said. I quietly regretted it. I had vowed to suffer silently and not try to separate them
Han looked at me with a mildly annoyed expression. "Chewie, finish up your game and go fly the ship." His hand shifted and I looked down to see that his fingers were intertwined in Leia's.
Another pang of jealousy stabbed at my heart like a knife.
Chewbacca wailed something in response.
"Oh quit complaining you big carpet, you're losing anyway," Han told him.
Chewie muttered what I imagined to be a few curse words and made his way to the cockpit to fly the ship and make sure they didn't run into anything.
I watched as Leia and Han disappeared together. I tried not to think about what they would be doing.
Something nudged my side and I turned my head to see Luke studying me with a worried expression.
"I'm fine," I told him.
"You love him," Luke said.
"No I don't." I rose from my seat and started to leave.
"Y/N, don't lie to me please," he said as he followed close behind. "You love him. I can sense it."
I wasn't as force sensitive as my siblings. I had accepted that long ago. But it bugged me when they- especially Luke- could pick up on my emotions.
"Even if I did, there's nothing I can do," I said, still not admitting my feelings outright.
"But it's killing you to see them together. Are you just going to stay silent and pretend like you aren't hurting?"
"Yes, Luke, I am," I replied, finally meeting his gaze. "Because even if I did say something he would never feel the same way and Leia would hate me forever."
"She wouldn't hate you," he replied.
"Yeah well, she wouldn't exactly like me either, now would she?" I sighed and shook my head. "I appreciate you for trying to help."
My brother gave me a weak smile and didn't say anything.
I left without another word and went to hide in my sleeping quarters for a bit. Leia and I used to share but now she'd moved in with Han. The only good thing about that arrangement was that I now had plenty of time alone to cry.
I crawled into my cot and curled into a ball, not even bothering to pull the blanket over me. My body shook, all of my frustration finally releasing. Tears streamed down my face but I remained silent. The last thing I wanted was for someone to hear me crying.
Why did unrequited love have to hurt so much?
I didn't agree with Luke entirely, but he did have a point. It was killing me to watch Han and Leia and I couldn't live that way any longer.
~~~
I pride my eyes open the next morning, having hardly gotten any sleep. I had spent most of the night crying and the rest of it thinking.
I crawled out of bed and dressed myself, then washed my face and did my best to look presentable.
Everyone else was awake when I walked into the main room of the Falcon.
"Good morning, Y/N," Leia greeted warmly. Beside her sat Han with one arm slung over her shoulders.
"Good morning," I replied. I didn't look at them for too long. "I have an announcement."
Everyone's gaze turned to me.
I was silent. If I didn't say anything I could just continue to ignore it. I could stay here, even if it was torture every time I looked at Han.
"I'm going to leave for a while," I said finally. "I want to go to Bespin. Live there for a while and maybe travel to some other planets as well."
There were mixed reactions from the group. Chewie enveloped me in a hug. C-3PO rambled off some facts about Bespin. R2 beeped and whistled about how much he would miss our talks. Luke didn't seem surprised.
~~~~
Han had landed the Falcon at one of Bespin's buildings. Lando had offered me a place to stay and a job. We all stood on the landing platform to say our goodbyes.
"I'm sure going to miss you, kid," Han said. He patted my shoulder.
Just the slight touch sent a tingle through me and I smiled. "I'll miss you too."
Chewie wrapped next into another hug and I laughed. "I'll be back Chewie. I'm not leaving forever." After several moments, the Wookie released me.
Leia hugged me next. "I'm going to miss you so much."
I wrapped my arms around her. I didn't resent her at all. It wasn't as if she knew about my feelings for Han. "I promise I'll see you again soon," I replied.
She pulled away and gave me a smile before stepping back.
3PO and R2 gave me their quick goodbyes, and last it was Luke.
I quickly wrapped my arms around my brother and blinked away my tears. I really was going to miss them all, but this was what was best for me. Besides, it wouldn't be forever.
"Take all the time you need," Luke murmured before he pulled away.
I gave him a small nod and wondered if I would ever truly get over Han. As much as I would enjoy having a love of my own, I just couldn't see myself with anybody either than him.
Despite this, I would never act on it. He and Leia made each other happy and I could never destroy that.