Use the quote of James Joyce by one of your characters.
"I think of you so often, you have no idea."
_______________
❝ It was either loving you or just losing myself ❞
. . . .
Life is unpredictable! You don't know how & when the tables will be turned out. I guess that's why people always say be prepared to expect the unexpected.
Consequently, I didn't even know myself, I would be in that awkward situation once again. But a few years back, the atmosphere was different, I was different.
10 years back~
As a 17 years old girl, people always often say that I should be more freely, outgoing. Hence, the other girls around my age, always jolly, kinda more like amiable.
But they didn't know that being more outgoing, freely doesn't define you. It's just a part of your personality.
I always find my solace in solitary. I know, it's weird. Yet aren't we all weird in some way as we were born with different intellect?
This chirping of birds, gentle breeze always gave me peace. Whenever I feel low, I just want escapism. Yeah, escape from my bittersweet reality. This place is my escape.
I randomly found this place, when I was just running from my bad day. From then, it became my escape. No one knows about it. Whenever I feel low, I just come here & spend some time.
Today is different as nothing happened. I just wanted a little bit of time for myself. I should get going as it's becoming too late.
As I was hurrying down to get up, I suddenly got bumped into something hard. I fell on my butt.
"Ouch! It hurts."
Before I could comprehend what just happened, a voice pulled me out of my trance.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"No, dumbo!" I screamed in my imaginary voice.
"It's fine," I said while getting up. I see! He offered his hands, but I acted oblivious to the fact as I have my own feet.
While shrugging off, I see a pair of brown eyes looking at me intensely.
I didn't notice him properly as far, but I am observing him now.
He is looking around my age. But his body & face are looking more mature. Like, he has grown up more than me.
"Hello!" I snapped my fingers.
"Hi," he said awkwardly.
"What are you doing here?"
"Uhm..I was just loitering," his clumsy reply.
"Whatever!" I shrugged off & started walking with my cycle.
He called me, but I ignored as getting out of the place was my first priority.
Time flew as our bond grew. He had accidentally found the place just like me.
We started to meet up in this place. His silly jokes, his dimple, his damn killing smile started to melt my heart slowly.
I didn't know what love was. I still don't know. But with him, it's something that I can't figure out but it gives me pleasure.
One day, when we were carelessly joking around, he said something to me to turn me around.
"I think of you so often, you have no idea."
I looked at his eyes. At first, I thought he was just joking around, like any other time. But his brown eyes are showing me some sincerity.
"Oh, yeah! Me too, Evan. It's not a big deal. The time we spend with each other, isn't it obvious? I mean, like our silly talks, random talk on hobbies, television programs, it would surely remind you of me," I said with a nervous laugh.
But deep down, I was hoping for other things, yet I couldn't bring myself to break my heart with some expectation.
He stopped me, "No, Sam. You know me when I am joking or when I am serious."
Yeah, he is right. I knew him or I thought so.
"I think of you so often, you have no idea. In the dawn or in the dusk, you are the only thing in my mind. I don't know how to make you believe it, but please give me a chance?" he pleaded.
I don't know what I should do at that time. So, I just did what I am best at.
I ran! I just told him, I needed time & hurriedly came away or more like ran away from the place.
Later, I gave it a thought. As I am a little bit unsure about my feelings, but I am sure, I do have some soft feelings for him. I don't know if it is enough to be called love as I believe love doesn't happen in a few moments. It takes time.
The next day, I went to our usual place & waited for him. I wanted to say, yes! I want to give a chance to us.
Thus, I waited. But he never came.
Time flew! Years have gone just like that!
Present~
I snapped back out of my thoughts, when a waiter asked us, what we want to eat?
"Two Cappuccino & one bowl of ice cream."
I looked at him, noticed that he is still looking the same but he has become more muscular.
Yes, the one who had run away after his confession; is now sitting in front of me.
Why? Why after all of these years, I had to meet him like that?
All of these years, I thought he might be in danger. If he is still alive or not. But look now! He is living a happy life. He even has a son.
Yeah, the first reason for our meeting is his son. His son accidentally bumped with me in the park today. So, for make-up, he wanted to treat me to a coffee.
Although I ain't sure, if it's because of his son or for his unknown mistake years ago?
"So, how are you doing?" he invaded my thoughts by asking.
"How should I be?" I murmured.
Don't worry! I am absolutely fine. So, you got married?
"Yeah," he scratches his head.
"Good!" You are looking happy, I said.
"I- ...So what's up? How is life treating you? Have you gotten married?" he asked.
No. I'm still unmarried, I replied.
"Why?"
Couldn't find anyone, I said while shrugging.
"Really? But don't you think you should settle down now?"
Thanks for reminding me but no thanks. I know marriage is an important phase in life. But that doesn't mean it's our life. One can be happy without it if he/she has contentment in life. So, stop showing your fake reason.
"You are thinking wrong," with that note —he kept his head low as a sudden realisation.
It's fine. I think I should go now. I won't say, my happiness lies in your happiness as in your happiness, only you will be happy, not Someone else.
As I started to walk away from the cafe, his next sentence stopped me in my tracks.
"What should one do, if he wants the happiness of both people beside him?"
Unfortunately, I don't have any particular answer to it. But I am happy to hear that at least you are honest with one of them.
With that saying, I come here from there as I don't want to fall weak in front of him.
Thunderstorms started to occur. Slowly, the gentle breeze started to flow.
And I welcomed the rain drops with my open arms. Once, these gloomy surroundings used to bother me but not anymore.
As, it's the best time where me & the sky both can flow their pain of water. No one will even notice it. People will think that it's only the rain.
No, it's not! As we are getting free from our grief, everything. The whole time, I was in a dilemma.
But today, I got the closure of my old chapter. I'm happy with the realisation that,
❝ Loving him is an omission now but loving myself is the best decision in my life. ❞
Because no matter what happens in life, we have to love ourselves first.
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I would really like to know your feedbacks. Any constructive feedback or criticism will be appreciated to make my writing better as I am still in the learning process. :)
Have a great day/night ahead.