"I don't get it," Lauren says as she covers Molly's head with hairspray. Molly starts choking and she evolves into coughing fits as she tries to slap Lauren's hand away. "Sorry. I don't get it. You're not going with Charlie?"
Molly wafts her hand through the air, holding her breath as she walks over to her costume laid out on Lauren's bed. Lauren stares at her with a hairbrush in one hand and her curling iron in the other.
"Molly."
"What?" Molly mumbles.
"What's going on? Talk to me."
"Nothing is going on," Molly says. "Me and Charlie are friends. Jack is. . . he's different but at least I know where I stand with him."
"Different?" Lauren mutters, twisting her lips into a smile. "As in boring." Molly ignores her and sits on the bed. "Have you told him about your illness?"
Molly shakes her head. She's been exchanging messages with Jack since they met in the cafeteria a few days ago, they've spent hours talking to each other every night, spilled most of their life stories over and over, and she still couldn't tell him.
"Why haven't you told him?" Lauren says.
"Why haven't you told Perry about your past?" Molly fires back at her.
"Because he'll look at me differently," Lauren says. "Perry is the first guy that I've liked since. . ." She swallows and glances down. "I don't want to be tied to something tragic for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a victim. Perry can't change what happened to me, it makes no difference. But your illness is different, Molly. You're still in recovery."
"I'm aware."
"Are you scared he'll see you like that, too? A victim?"
"Maybe," she says. "Mostly I'm just scared that he won't see anything else. How do you tell someone that you're just starting to like that you recently tried to kill yourself?"
"You don't have to explain anything to Charlie." Lauren smiles and walks over to the bed. "He knows everything about you and he chose to stay by your side. What about him is exactly turning you off? Is it his good looks? His talent at protecting people that are vulnerable? His infuriating charm? His dedication to making sure that you're safe and you know. . . adopted?"
Molly rolls her eyes and grins. "Charlie is the only reason that I'm alive. That connection will one day turn into a burden and he doesn't deserve that. He doesn't want the complications, not really. And I'm a complicated person."
"Ah, so you're making the choice for him and disguising it as a simple friendship?" Lauren cocks an eyebrow. "There's another word for that in the adult world, Molly and it's called commitment phobia. Dating someone else isn't going to make those feelings go away, they're just going to get stronger and stronger until the day that you cave into them and by then he's moved on with a girl and he's deeply in love with her and your biggest regret will be not listening to me during this conversation. Hello?"
"I'm listening," Molly mumbles as she responds to a text. "He can move on with who he wants, I don't have feelings for him."
"Liar."
"Believe what you want."
Lauren takes a deep breath, finally dropping it. "So, this Camilla chick, should I be worried? Does she really think that Perry likes her in that way?"
"Well she warned me not to steal him off of her so probably," Molly says.
"Perry must have said something to make her think that. We've only been on a few dates but I thought that he really liked me."
Lauren frowns sadly, prompting Molly to drop her phone and nudge her shoulder. "He does like you. Don't let Camilla ruin that, she's delusional."
"Right," Lauren says, agreeing. "Delusional and a bitch."
"The qualities every guy wants in a girl," Molly says.
Lauren laughs and then checks her watch. "We should probably start getting into our costumes, the party starts soon."
"What are you going as again?"
"Catwoman," Lauren says, winking as she stands up. "Black latex with a tail. I'd like to see Camilla compete with that."
Molly looks down at her store-bought red riding hood costume. It isn't sexy or tight like Lauren's costume but it's still short enough to make her anxious about wearing it. She takes the costume into the bathroom and tries her best to squeeze into the small white and red dress. She ties the red cape with a hood around her throat and she glances in the mirror. It reminds Molly more of Christmas than it does Halloween. Her hair has been extra curled and tied up with a clip so it falls right down her back. Her face has been painted like a model and she's starting to get used to the big eyelashes and sparkly eyeshadow. She pulls up her skin-coloured tights to add warmth to her legs and then spends around ten minutes attempting to click her black heels together.
When she walks out of the bathroom Lauren is already ready and is sat drinking wine on the couch. Her costume is so tight that Molly wonders if it'll snap. Lauren doesn't seem to find it very comfortable and she adjusts the jumpsuit as she fidgets.
"I poured you one," Lauren says.
"Thanks."
"When are you seeing Alan again?" Lauren asks.
"Monday," Molly says.
"At least your hangover will be gone by then."
"He knows anyway. I don't keep anything from him. He thinks that I'm substituting alcohol for Charlie."
Lauren laughs. "That's exactly what you're doing."
"No, it isn't. I'm just trying to make a hard thing easier." Molly takes a big sip of her wine and tries not to give in to the truth. "I'd rather feel drunk than feel nothing."
Lauren looks at her sadly. "Do you know how many times I hear that from kids at the hospital?"
"If it gets me through the week who cares?" Molly finishes the glass and then grabs the bottle, pouring herself another. Lauren doesn't say anything, but she's passing judgement with her glare.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lauren says. "Parties aren't the ideal place to self-destruct. Trust me, I've been there."
"I'm not you," Molly mumbles. "I'm fine. I'm not self-destructing, I'm just doing exactly what everyone else is doing. I know you're worried but you don't have to be."
"Alright," Lauren says, as she watches Molly finish the second glass in less than a minute. "If you say so."
Time once again escapes Molly's attention. Her head is throbbing and her stomach is filled with a warm, fuzzy feeling as she exits the cab. Some people approach her on the street and she doesn't recognize her friends straight away. Sammy is dressed in a superwoman costume; Louise's costume resembles something from a horror movie but Molly isn't sure which one and Henry and Moe are both dressed as eccentric scientists with white coats and frizzy wigs. Molly introduces them to Lauren while attempting to act sober but her feet are carrying her towards the house without a glance back.
She rings the doorbell repeatedly, swaying on the porch as she waits.
"Looks like every house on this street is having a party tonight," Louise says as she joins Molly at the porch. "I like your costume."
"Thanks," Molly says. "Yours is very scary."
"That's the point," Louise laughs. "It's Halloween it's supposed to be scary."
The door opens and Perry who is dressed as some kind of pirate with an eye patch and rag clothing greets them. "Hey!" he says. "Come in."
Molly and Lauren walk in first and Perry stands in the doorway to their left, almost blocking it. Lauren walks over to him but he opens his arms and starts pushing them all into another room to their right.
"I thought I'd make this party interesting and include zones," Perry says nervously. "Molly and Lauren you're in this zone. And your friends, too. Everyone in this zone enjoys this side of the party and the zones don't mix okay?"
Lauren folds her arms. "Why?"
"Just making it fun." Perry smiles widely. "The party is through there." He points to an archway in the corner.
"Thanks," Louise says, before she vanishes with the others through the archway. Molly stays by Lauren's side, wondering the same thing that Lauren is.
"Well, are we allowed outside?" Lauren says. "Or are there zones outside too?"
Perry's face falls and he rubs his chin. "Shit. Maybe use the front yard?"
"I'm not using the front yard," Lauren says. "And I want a cigarette so I'm going outside. Is that okay?"
"As long as you come back to this zone afterwards." Perry smiles between them. "This way it's easier to-"
"Come on," Lauren says as she takes Molly's hand and walks past Perry. She's been here before so she navigates her way through the house easily.
They enter a large room full of people and Molly searches for Jack through the crowd. Perry races after them but Lauren ignores that he's there until they step into the back yard. This seems to be where the real party is happening. Out here, Molly recognizes almost everyone, even with their costumes on. Most of the girls are wearing clothing similar to Lauren's and Molly is in a sea of gorgeous girls and handsome guys. They are scattered into groups, the yard is so big that Molly has to stand on her tiptoes to try and locate Jack.
"Can I talk to you?" Perry hisses at Lauren as she lights a cigarette.
"Mhm. Will you be okay?"
Molly finally spots him sitting by the pool with a small group. "Yeah, I'll find you later."
"Okay, text me if you need me."
Molly starts walking towards him and he smiles when he sees her, moving to meet her half-way. The pool is occupied by a lot of people, most of them are shirtless college guys that are playing some kind of game with a ball.
"Hey," Jack says. "You look great. Little red riding hood right?"
"Right," Molly says, glancing him up and down. "And you're. . ." Molly is confused by his look; he's wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a perfectly straight black bow-tie. "Late for a ball?"
Jack laughs. "James bond."
"Oh! I get it. Clever."
"Not really, just lazy. Come meet my friends."
Molly bites on her lip. "Okay."
As Jack takes her hand and leads her over to the intimate space of chairs and people, Molly's eyes go right over them as she gets a better view of the shirtless guys in the pool. Charlie is among them and her stomach catches fire as she watches him jump up to volley the ball over the net. His body is big and hard, like stone. He has hair over his body, it's not too much, it's subtle, but she can't stop staring at it. She can't stop looking at his shoulders and his arms and the way he smiles when he hits the ball back. Out of every single person here he is suddenly the only person she sees.
"Molly?" Jack mumbles. He just introduced her and she blanked out.
"Sorry, hi," Molly says as she sits down.
The small group are staring at her and Molly realizes they are sat in couples. Sandy Evans is among them, Molly can't look at her for too long without becoming breathless. Like Molly, Sandy is dressed in a modest way. She's wearing a nineteenth-century costume with a corset that makes her chest look bigger. She's also sitting on the lap of a slim boy with blonde hair. Molly has never seen him before.
"Help yourself," Sandy says, gesturing to the bottles of alcohol on the ground.
"Thanks," says Molly as she scrambles the floor for a cup. She pours herself a drink and then relaxes back on the pool chair. Jack is drinking a cup of beer and he keeps looking at her but Molly's attention is captured by a different face.
"You don't go to parties very often do you?" Jack says.
"How can you tell?"
"I recognize the signs." He smiles. "The beginning is always the worst. But after an hour you'll be fine."
"I'm finally going to witness what everyone gossips about all week," Molly laughs.
"Exactly," Jack laughs. "See? Upsides."
Molly finishes her drink and pours herself another, hoping no one notices. They seem to be wrapped up in a story that Sandy is telling.
"So my sister gives to charity quite a lot and this seemed like a real good cause," Sandy is explaining to the group. "This woman was so convincing and she was at our house for like half an hour giving this really sad speech about families living in poverty. She had a website and leaflets and everything. My sister donated fifty dollars to the woman and a year goes by, my sister completely forgets about it. Then, about a week ago, the same woman knocks on our door with almost the exact same speech but this charity was for the homeless. My sister asked her about the family poverty charity and the woman just stared at her with no idea what she was talking about. Turns out she's been conning people for years and my sister actually restrained her until the police came."
"Some people have no shame," a girl says in disgust. "I hope she goes to jail."
"But it's not like she stole the money," Jack says. "Technically they did give it to her and it's their own fault for falling for it."
"Under false pretences," Sandy says. "It's like someone selling you an iPhone but it's broken when you try and use it. It was your choice to give them the money so is it your fault that it's broken?"
"Hardly the same thing," Jack chuckles. "You go to a store to buy an iPhone. No one walks around town looking for a creepy woman with leaflets."
"He's got a point," someone says, a boy with long dark hair that curls around his ears. "There's a difference between donation and buying something. There's always a risk with donation."
"People have a right to know where their money is going," Sandy says, before pushing on her boyfriend's shoulder. "Babe, back me up."
"I kind of agree with them, too. Sorry."
Jack laughs quietly in a mocking way and Sandy shoots him a look. Molly is surprised with how mature they are, she's surrounded by the most popular people in school and she always assumed they'd be as mean as Camilla, but they're not.
"What do you think, Molly?" Sandy asks her suddenly.
"I think. . . everyone has a story and a reason that they do things," Molly says. "No one would care if a homeless man stole something to survive so why should someone struggling be treated any differently?"
Sandy stares at her, opening her mouth to say something but she closes it. She thinks it over for a few moments. "So being in financial difficulty gives people the right to lie to others for money?"
"I didn't say it was right," Molly says. "But you shouldn't judge someone until you've got the whole story. The woman could have been desperate."
"Or she could just be a deceptive conwoman that exploits people's kindness."
Molly nods. "That, too. Having kindness sucks."
The others laugh and Sandy nods with a grin. "I'll drink to that."
"Holy crap," Jack says as he glances at the porch doors. "Look at those muppets."
At the top of the yard Camilla and her friends are standing in a group wearing nightgowns with different coloured bathrobes over them. Molly knew she'd bump into her eventually, she just hoped she was much drunker for the exchange. As Camilla and Sandy wave to each other and she starts walking over, Molly ducks her head and pours herself another drink.
"Are they wearing bathrobes?" a girl says in confusion.
"Hey, guys," Camilla says excitedly as she carefully walks over objects on the ground. She notices Molly and scowls for a moment before turning back to Sandy. "I love the costume."
"Thanks," Sandy says.
"What the hell are you wearing?" Jack asks her as he places his fist to his mouth.
"Pyjamas?" Camilla says. "It's Halloween, every other costume in history is already being worn so we thought we'd be unique. No one else is wearing bathrobes."
"I think you look hot," the boy with long hair says, the girl sitting beside him slaps his arm.
"Thanks, Scott." Camilla winks at him. "Have you seen Perry anywhere? He's not inside."
"I think he's over there with his girlfriend." Sandy points over to the east side of the yard, to where Perry and Lauren are kissing in a lit-up shack.
Molly disguises her smirk as Camilla sees them. Camilla's smile fades and her hand curls into a fist that she gently taps against her leg.
"Who is that?" Camilla asks.
"I don't know," Sandy says. "A girl from college maybe? I've never met her before."
"Where's Aubrey?" Camilla says, mainly to herself as she looks around. "Aubrey! See you later, guys."
"Bye," Jack says.
Aubrey's here? Molly's heart starts to race and no amount of alcohol can help her now. She looks back to the pool, Charlie is staring at Camilla who is charging down the side of the pool making patting noises with her slippers. He hasn't seen Molly yet and she wants to keep it that way.
"I think I'm going to go inside for a bit," Molly says to Jack. "You can stay out here if you want."
"And miss all this sheer excitement?" Jack says with wide eyes. "I'll come with you."
Molly picks up her bag and drink and stumbles slightly back to the open doors. She's starting to get tipsier and she can't tell if that's dangerous or exhilarating. Jack holds each door open for her and even though she just wants to be with him she also wants to be as far from the back yard as possible. She takes the lead and she walks back to the room that Louise and the others went in a while ago. Molly bumps into so many people, so many guys hold her waist or touch her shoulders as she slides past them. They're suddenly in an empty room, a quieter room, and Jack takes a seat on a small, grey couch. Molly approaches it cautiously, dropping down right at the edge.
"So. . . we're alone," Jack says.
"Yep," Molly whispers. "We are."
"I'm gonna be honest," he says. "I've not stopped thinking about you since that day in the cafeteria. I've really liked getting to know you and I. . . like you."
Molly stares at his lips that are getting closer to hers. He closes his eyes and she panics. "I need to use the bathroom." She awkwardly gets to her feet, moving backwards to the door. "Stay here and wait or something."
"Okay."
The walls spin around her as she walks along the hallway. She doesn't have a clue where the bathrooms are but thankfully someone has painted signs on the wall in red with arrows leading to them. There's a small queue of people outside one door so she assumes she's in the right place. She waits at the back, attempting to make sense of her phone screen and the words she thinks are messages. She squints at Lauren's name.
Where are you? Are you okay?
Molly can you text me back! Have you gone back inside?
Molly presses her fingers against the letters in a random rhythm. Ys im inside the place. Stop worrying im ok.
She has no idea if she sends it or not. Alcohol takes effect quickly and she still hasn't figured that part out. She felt sober outside but now it's like she's splitting into separate versions of herself. Some are sad, some are happy, some want to dance and some are so confident that she wants to run back into the room and be brave enough to kiss Jack until her lips fall off.
"Well if isn't the boyfriend stealer." Camilla is suddenly walking towards Molly on the other side of the hallway, Molly is next in line for the bathroom and no one is behind her. "Whose relationship are you wrecking next?"
"Shut up, Camilla." Aubrey is right behind her and she slaps her on the head before pushing her onward. Aubrey stops next to Molly. "I'm sorry about my sister, some babies bump their heads but she was thrown at a wall. Come see me later okay? It'd be good to chat."
"Sure," Molly says. "Chat about what?"
"Stuff," Aubrey says, smiling. "I like to know Charlie's friends."
"Why?"
"Because he's my boyfriend," Aubrey chuckles as though the answer is obvious. "Camilla said that you have a little crush on him and that's fine, many girls do, and he literally saved your life so I guess you believe you're bonded in some way."
"He told you about that?" Molly whispers.
She nods. "Yeah I haven't told anyone and I made sure Camilla didn't either. I know how it feels to be in a bad place, I've been there myself. You were lucky to have Charlie there but that's all it was—luck."
"I know," Molly says, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Nothing happened between me and Charlie, I mean we kissed that one time but-"
"You kissed?"
Molly clenches her jaw. This is the downside to being drunk, it makes her spill truths and secrets without having the time to filter them. "Once," Molly says. "It was after you broke up."
"Like that makes it better," Aubrey says. "I knew something was going on. Charlie can be very secretive and manipulative, he fooled us both."
"Mhm," Molly mumbles. "I don't really care. I need to use the bathroom."
"Right. Sure. Catch you later."
Molly enters the bathroom and locks the door behind her. She sits on the toilet for a long time, so long that Jack starts sending her messages. She ignores him and she scrolls through her contacts, she drops her phone several times and has to keep bending down to pick it back up. When she finally has it secured in her hand she presses the call button and she searches the bathroom randomly. It goes to voicemail and she takes a deep breath.
"Hey. It's me. I shouldn't be calling but I just. . . I just hate this." Molly drops back into the toilet seat and wipes her eyes. "I hate being somewhere where you are and not being able to speak to you, to be close to you. I'm drunk and maybe it's because I'm drunk that I'm saying this but I miss you, too. I miss everything about you. I miss how infuriating you are, how crazy you make me, even how screwed up your protectiveness is. I don't know what I want and I don't know what's best for me because I've never been bothered to look for it." Molly leaves the bathroom and she stumbles into the wall, sliding down to the ground. "I'm probably just making a fool out of myself, forget everything I just said. I hope you're having a good time. I miss you."
Molly disconnects the call and walks back to the room. Jack is still there, and his eyes light up when he sees her.
"About time," he says. "It's a good thing I'm patient."
"Sorry," Molly mutters. "Time is really strange when you're drunk."
"Yeah it goes by quick," Jack says. "You okay?"
Molly nods. "You want to go dance?"
"I think you owe me a few."
Molly smiles and takes his hand, pulling him towards the archway. The atmosphere inside is much different to the rest of the house. The music is loud and head pounding, it makes Molly's hand sway as she moves through the crowd of dancers. Along the back wall there are large punch bowls lined up and Molly moves over to it quickly.
"These are lethal!" Jack shouts over the music. "You sure you want to risk it?"
Molly is already using the scoop to fill her cup. She makes Jack one too and he takes it slowly. She drinks it all in one go, wiping her mouth with the end of her cape.
"Hey!" Louise opens her arms and pulls Molly into a tight embrace. "Where have you been! This party is awesome!"
Jack is pulling on her hand, trying to take her towards the dancefloor. She drags Louise with them. There are so many people lost in their own worlds that Molly doesn't feel nervous about dancing. She throws her hands up and copies other movements. Louise just stands at the side, swaying, while Jack puts his arms around Molly's waist and twirls her around to face him. She places her hands around his shoulders and they both lean in at the same time, their lips meeting in the middle. Jack uses his tongue and Molly just goes with it. Time does the strange thing again. Molly tries to count it by the amount of different songs that are playing. There are a few of them. They finally separate, the tempo changing to a slower song. The heat is getting to her, she wafts a hand to her face but it makes no difference. She needs air.
She leaves the room and Jack follows her, along with Louise who is humming a song all the way through the small hallway.
"You okay, Molly?" Louise calls.
"She's fine, just go back to the party," Jack says.
"I was talking to her, not you."
Molly somehow ends up in the kitchen. There are a few people in there sat up on the counters eating snacks and smoking marijuana. She walks over to the sink and she runs the tap, tipping her mouth into the flowing water.
"Come on, let's go outside." Jack takes her hand and helps her into the yard.
Molly's been drunk before but she's never been this drunk. Jack sits her down on a chair and although Molly can hear him talking to her she can't seem to grasp the meaning behind the sounds. She closes her eyes and sleeps for a while.
"Molly? Hello? Molly!"
Molly feels her shoulders being shaken and she tiredly opens her eyes to see a blurry face looking back at her.
"It's Lauren," the face says. "Can you sit up?"
Molly blinks a few times and then allows Lauren to help her up. It's quieter now, mainly because most people are passed out on the ground. "Where's Jack?"
"He left a while ago," Lauren says. "I saw him talking to Camilla and then he went home. I'm sorry."
"I don't blame him for leaving, everyone always does," Molly says.
"Perry has a few guest rooms set up, he said you can have one. Is that okay? If we stay here tonight?"
Molly nods. She sees Perry across the yard, he's waking people up and telling them to leave. Her body feels broken as though she's been hit with a truck repeatedly. Molly looks in her bag and makes sure everything's there before she follows Lauren into the house. It's silent, like a ghost town. Molly stumbles her way up the stairs, grabbing onto the railing tightly to pull herself up. Lauren puts her hand on Molly's shoulder to try and help her but Molly shakes it off.
"Don't touch me," Molly says.
"I'm just trying to help."
"I don't need your help."
Molly enters the guest bedroom and she sits on top of the covers on the bed, wiping her eyes as she tries to repress the overwhelming urge to throw up.
"I'll stay with you for a while," Lauren says.
"I'm fine," Molly whispers. "It's just the dizziness, it'll wear off."
"It's not just the dizziness, Molly, your drinking was really excessive. You could have ended up in hospital tonight."
"So?" Molly says.
"I don't want to leave you when you're like this."
"Just leave me alone, Lauren. I'll speak to you in the morning." Molly turns away from her and buries her face into her arm.
"Okay. Good night then."
When she's alone, Molly starts to cry. The emotional side of the drunkenness is the most unpredictable. It hits her without warning, makes her bitter and weak. Every time she cries she feels like she's thirteen all over again, just a scared child with no one to comfort her, with no parents to turn to. The pain always attacks her in a brand-new way and even when she feels safe, even when she feels wanted, she still can't accept it. She still can't accept that this is her life, that this is the only one she has.
There is a gentle knock on her door but she ignores it. She's drifted somewhere far, somewhere unreachable. She lays so still that the arms around her frighten her. She stares at his hand that entwines with hers and she hears his hard breaths against her ear. He doesn't say a word and he doesn't ask her anything, he just holds her. She cries a little bit harder into her arm and their hands tighten. He places his head above hers so that the back of her head fits against his chest. Charlie won't leave her when she's like this and she doesn't want him to. Their connection is so strong that she doesn't need to tell him what she's feeling, he can feel it too somehow.
"Close your eyes," he whispers.
She takes shaky breaths and she closes her eyes. She listens to his breathing; she focuses on his heartbeats that can she feel against the back of her head. She starts to feel better, she can breathe again.
"It's easy remember? We're just gonna walk on by."
Molly slowly starts turning around. He's not expecting that and he moves his arm out of the way and then places it back over her. She trails a hand over his face, gently moving her fingers over his stubble. His eyes are bright and observant, every touch she makes causes an extra flash to lighten them. He blinks slowly and Molly places her hand to his before they kiss. The kiss is slow and gentle, as though they're both breakable. They explore each other's taste, their hands entwining even tighter as the kiss becomes stronger. Charlie is the first to pull away and they both smile. Molly turns over, closing her eyes as his arms pull her closer to him. She takes a moment to appreciate his touch, and his warmth, and his powerful safety, before she falls to sleep and leaves him.