Rey eyed Kylo wearily as he came to sit next to her, he could feel through the bond that she was confused as well as overwhelmed by the news of her newfound small fortune. Kylo tried to smile reassuringly at her, but even he knew it was half-hearted.
"What do we need to talk about, Kylo?" Rey asked when he had finally settled in, her voice strained.
"Before I start, I want you to know that I've been trying to find a good time to tell you this for a while now, and that nothing I say changes how I feel about you - at all. I still love you. So much, Rey. You have no idea how much," Kylo started, reaching out to Rey. She moved her hand from his before he could make contact, obviously put on edge by his lead up. Kylo's heart started to break a little at the small movement, nerves escalating rapidly at this rejection.
Rey gave him a stiff nod to urge him to continue. He looked at her with searching eyes, willing, imploring, almost begging through his gaze that she would understand as he started, "I'm not who you think I am."
Kylo told Rey everything. He told her who he really was, with a demonstration to prove himself as he set the kitchen on fire with a burst of flames that didn't burn and only raged brightly around them, the orange and white licking at them without hurting them or the room around them. Kylo quenched the fire when he saw tears forming in her eyes, and could feel Rey's mounting distress.
He took the fact that Rey hadn't run away yet as a glimmer of hope in the sea of desperation he was already beginning to feel roil in his stomach. Maybe she would take the time to fully hear him out? Maybe then things would be better - once he admitted everything?
Kylo swallowed thickly as he forged ahead, telling her about his past, about how he did something grave enough to earn him this punishment (sparing her the details of the event) and about how he was bound to the ring. He watched on nervously as Rey took all of this information in, now slumped over the table with her head in her hands, shaking her head back and forth slowly as the words poured from his mouth.
As Kylo broached the topic of his concealment and his bond to the ring (and therefore to her), Rey cut him off, the first time she had spoken since he began his confession.
"When I told you about myself - did you already know all of that? Were you just pretending to get to know me? Playing some sort of sick game, just happy to have left that thrift shop? Was I anything more than a cheap thrill for you? Some dumb little mortal you could take advantage of for a taste of freedom?" she asked, her body shaking as she tried to contain the sobs that threatened to burst forth.
Kylo opened his mouth in shock, nothing could be further from the truth. He struggled to find the words, jaw gaping and hands gesticulating wildly in the air as he tried to grasp the necessary phrases to string them forward and offer comfort.
Rey narrowed her eyes at his stumbling efforts before she added, "Is this why I feel right with you? Why I have this connection with you? Is any of this real?"
Kylo tried not to completely panic as he finally found it in himself to blurt out, "Is that what you think? That's not how this works, Rey. What we have is real. I could never fake that!"
"But you faked getting to know me and faked everything else," Rey mumbled, tears flowing freely now as she shook her head at him.
"I never looked in your mind, Rey. Everything I learned I learned from you," Kylo stressed, trying to make her understand.
"Maybe so, but that doesn't negate the fact that you basically stalked me and then earned my trust in this sick perverted way. You knew who I was the whole time and you had this.... This weird access to my emotions and to my life!" Rey spat out, her energy bouncing between insecurity to confusion to anger to sadness all in a span of seconds. The emotions crashed into Kylo like giant waves that were battering him around under water, further drowning Kylo in the mess he had created.
"And this- this money. Where did it come from? Did you steal the money from someone? Did you steal my personal information? That's not fucking cool, Kylo. What did you do?" she urged, her eyes tight as she pleaded with him for information.
"No, nothing like that. This money is yours. I just invested it in the right places and got the right people to help. Through- through my... abilities," Kylo ground out, finding it hard to put into words as he was scrambling to keep his emotions in check and get a handle on the situation that had already gotten so far out of his control.
Rey looked at him with a look that burned through him, her eyes saying everything her mouth wasn't able to as she attempted to understand everything that he had said and admitted to. Kylo sensed that he no longer had her trust, her very being questioning everything that he was saying right now - all of his confessions and all of his explanations.
Kylo could feel her slipping through his fingers, could feel her closing him out, slowly untangling the tendrils of love and happiness and him that he had managed to weave through her and had used to win over her heart. She was ripping it all out, preparing herself to pick up and go, preparing herself to leave him.
Kylo moved to comfort Rey as her body shook with soft, almost silent cries, but she recoiled from his touch. That hurt Kylo more than he could bear to think. Rey didn't want his comfort, didn't want him.
For the first time in his life, Kylo felt truly powerless. Even more so that when he had first been imprisoned. His heart dropped all the way to his stomach, his hands feeling clammy as his heart raced. No, she had said she loved him. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. He wasn't ready for this. Wasn't ready for it to be over.
He had foolishly hoped that his love for her and her love for him would be enough to outweigh who he was. But could she really love someone when she didn't even know who he was? What he was? She had lain herself bare before him in every possible way while he had selfishly withheld important information time and time again. Now that she knew the truth, Kylo could tell she wasn't even sure she could believe what he said.
He had no one to blame but himself and that hurt the most - knowing it was his fault that he had possibly lost the most important thing in his immortal life. He may have eternal life, but in this moment Kylo Ren truly felt as if he were dying.
***
Rey didn't know what to think. Not only was she no longer sure who the man (thing? demon?) before her was but now she also had to grapple with the idea that there was an afterlife and other beings out there, including a very real, very present and alive devil.
She was overwhelmed, confused, heartbroken, and a whole flurry of other sensations. Her body felt like it was nothing except for feelings right now, a new one whizzing through her body every split second as her mind whirled from all of the information.
Rey closed her eyes and took a deep inhale and then a long exhale, trying to calm her body. She had finally stopped crying, thank goodness, allowing her at least the semblance of control over one aspect of her life and body right now. Kylo had sat across from her the whole time, looking as distraught as a kicked puppy.
He had at least stopped begging and pleading with her to understand, had finally realized she needed time to come to grips with all of this in her own time. Thank god for small mercies.
Rey put her palms on the table, letting the cool surface ground her as she stood on shaky legs. Kylo made a move to follow her but she shot him a look that instantly had him back in the chair.
Rey rose to her full height, and looked down at Kylo, trying to gather all of her strength and courage so as to not stutter through her words. "I need some time to think," she said, meeting his wounded gaze.
"Think about what?" Kylo whispered, his voice hoarse and low. His eyes were red-rimmed from the few tears that he had been unable to stop from escaping him. Funny, Rey thought briefly, I didn't know the devil could cry.
"I don't know, Kylo. I just need to think - about all this. Give me some time. Please, don't be here when I come back... or at least make it so I can't see you," she asked, her voice shaking a bit at the end. Damn.
Rey turned away from Kylo, calling Chewie to her before she put his leash on and walked to the door. She hesitated, fighting the urge to look back at him, before she shrugged it off, willing it away as she shook her head once more and opened the door to leave.
A last minute thought raced through her mind as she thumbed the ring that had been on her hand for just a few short months, quickly having become her favorite piece of jewelry, and then took it off, placing it on the table next to the door.
She heard as well as felt Kylo's heartbreaking sob as she stepped out of her apartment, unaware of how Kylo had sensed every ounce of betrayal through the bond before she took it off and how his heart had shattered when she removed the ring, ending the bond abruptly.
***
When Rey came back, it was already beginning to get dark outside. She had gone walking to clear her head, then ate lunch out and played with Chewie in the park. A part of her had wished she'd had the sense to pack before leaving so she could make a clean break from the apartment for a while, but unfortunately she hadn't - which meant entering her apartment again and possibly seeing Kylo.
As she turned the key in the lock, she prayed and hoped that he had respected her wishes and at least concealed himself. From what little Kylo had explained about the "bond" as he called it, he was bound to the ring and wouldn't be able to leave wherever the ring was, especially if the ring wasn't being worn by somebody.
This thought at least comforted Rey by letting her know he couldn't follow her around and stalk her unbeknownst to her as she cleared her mind and distanced herself from the situation. Rey had already texted Rose and asked if she and Chewie could spend some time at her apartment, giving her a vague notion that she and Kylo had split up, if not completely broken up.
Rey wasn't sure whether this was for good or not. She honestly didn't want to think about it yet. She had a lot to process and she no longer had the energy to mull over it tonight.
Rey entered her home, unsure of what she was expecting. The place was empty, looking every bit as quiet and boring as it usually did. As Rey closed her door she called out, "I'm going to pack. Please, don't come out. I'm going to stay at Rose's for a while. You can stay here until we figure something out."
Rey felt a little crazy as she spoke to nothing, but really what hadn't felt crazy ever since Kylo told her everything this morning? Rey hoped that Kylo had heard her as she unclipped Chewie so he could eat while she started to pack and gather her things.
She grabbed a duffel bag that was still not totally unpacked from their New York trip, hoping to save herself some time so she could get out as quickly as possible while biting down the newfound urge to cry as she thought about the trip.
Rey steeled herself against the new onslaught of emotions, willing herself to remain strong in her exit. She had done nothing wrong. She didn't need to cry about this right now. She could cry later, over ice cream and bad movies, in Rose's comforting embrace.
Rey packed as swiftly as possible, running over a small mental list of everything she would need. She decided against bringing things like Chewie's food, settling for buying it tomorrow so she could get out of this apartment as if her life depended on it. Maybe it did. It certainly felt like her life was crumbling around her.
Rey hadn't lied when she'd told Kylo time and time again that she felt differently about him compared to other men she had been with. She had not been trying to stroke his ego or win him over with fancy words.
Rey genuinely loved Kylo, tentatively and honestly had given him her heart - something she had never done with anyone else. And now here she was, reaping the consequences of intimate vulnerability, now knowing that Kylo had never been as vulnerable and truthful in return until it was already too late.
A part of Rey hoped that it wasn't too late - that something could be salvaged from these burning and wrecked remains. But she wasn't so sure. She felt betrayed and played, and she still didn't understand the full gravity of what Kylo was.
If he hadn't lied, which a part of her believed he hadn't (unless she was suddenly crazy enough to hallucinate her kitchen catching on fire without any damage or without feeling any heat as the flames erupted around them), then he was a supernatural being. Rey had no idea how to even begin to comprehend and fathom what that really meant. What that meant for him, or her, or them together. If there even was a "them" after this.
Rey collected herself and her thoughts with another steadying, calming breath, before she gathered her things, calling Chewie to her and leaving the apartment for a second time that day - this time for good, not even looking at the ring that called to her as she walked out the door.
***
Kylo watched Rey leave the first time with a shuddering sob that shook his whole body. Rey had taken her ring off and with it essentially closed herself off completely from him, cutting him off in a way that threatened to break Kylo. He felt as if a part of him was lost as she took it off, the comforting buzz of her energy zapped from him instantaneously - shocking him and leaving him in a state of panic and desperation.
How had everything gone so, so wrong? How could he have been so stupid - so selfish? What was he thinking? Kylo couldn't even find it in him to do anything but cry - cry about what he had lost, cry out of anger, cry from the pain that made him feel as if he couldn't breathe.
Kylo wanted to break things, he wanted to burn something down or destroy something. The thing was, though, that he had no one to blame but himself. Rey's feelings were valid - her confusion, her anger, her insecurity, her sadness. All of it made sense.
If Kylo could go back in time and change everything he would do it in a heartbeat, but that wasn't the way the world worked. What a cruel thing to have almost infinite power, yet feel so powerless at the hands of your own decisions, unable to change the outcome of the very thing that he had caused. Unable to stop the one thing he cared about more than anything else from walking away from him. Unable to stop the heartbreak that poured forth from the both of them.
Kylo stayed sitting at the table, distraught and looking downright disheveled, motionless and stuck in his current position without the will to even stand and go sit on the couch. He remained there, almost comatose as his emotions swirled violently around him, when he heard keys being pushed into the lock.
Kylo quickly concealed himself to respect Rey's wishes, but he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat at the idea that she might be back and ready for him - ready to forgive and move on and love again. He couldn't be more mistaken.
As Rey let him know that she was leaving the apartment for a few days, offering him refuge in her home until she had a plan, Kylo felt like screaming. He could do nothing - of course - considering that this was his own doing (and undoing).
So he watched with fresh tears in his eyes as Rey packed and left for the second time that day, taking his heart with her. Kylo made a resolution in that moment to stop wallowing in the actions of the past. He had to let the past die, kill it if he had to. He would have to move on. Would have to win her back somehow.
Kylo had no idea how he was going to manage that, but he would do everything he could do to get her back. There was one thing he did know, that he could not live without Rey Dameron, and he would definitely, never ever lie to her again.