My head hung low as we rode back through the gate, into the confines of Wall Rose. I sat back as far as I could in the shared saddle, so my chest wouldn't press up against Levi. It was early morning now, and I kept my silence as the ravonet explained our absence to the Garrison.
"No...This needs to stop..."
Mire now stationary, I took my chance and slid off, ignoring the Captain's words to me as I trudged towards the barracks. My clothing was still slightly damp, and my gear was loose and clanking against my legs as I walked.
"You're obviously not thinking straight..."
I felt confused, ashamed, and above all, embarrassed. The moment that three letter word, which had so much history for me, was uttered, everything had come to a screeching halt. Levi's demeanor had done a complete one eighty, and that had been that. His only words follwing, whilst avoiding my teary eyes, had been for me to speak a word of it to no one.
What did I do wrong..? Was it because I called him Sir..? Isn't that what he wanted?
It was probably a good thing. I hadn't been drunk, but the alcohol had definitely given me some kind of boost of idiocy. Still, the things that Levi had said to me above the clashing of thunder weren't going to disappear from my mind any time soon.
"(Y/N), there you are." I glanced to my left as Eren jogged up to me, for once his sides clear of Mikasa and Armin.
"I'm not in a great mood, Jaeger. What do you want..?" I sighed, little bite to my tone. The brunet only paused for a moment, clearing his throat as he began to match my pace.
"I...just wanted to make sure you were doing okay. Hange said she saw you and Captain Levi heading out alone, then that storm hit..." He trailed off, and I turned to meet his eyes. I could tell he was being genuine once I searched their depths.
"Yeah, we got caught in it. Only just got back. Neither of us got hurt." I sighed out a reply, slowing my walk into an amble, slipping my thumbs into the waistband of my apron. "Heard you and specs have been working on your hardening thingy. Going well?"
Shrugging, Eren relaxed a little more. It only made sense for him to be a little on edge around me. After all, I had nearly rung his neck before.
"Progress is slow, but I'll succeed. I have to." For once, his hero complex wasn't bugging me, but I chose to pin it on exhaustion.
"Well, I'm rooting for you." We continued walking together for a while, scarce back and forth to avoid a strong silence, until we came to a stop outside the women's housing.
"Hey...have you ever heard of the ocean..?" Eren asked me, seeming somewhat hesitant.
"I've read about it, and Armin's mentioned it too, a few times. I know your little trio made the promise to see it some day." I answered, scuffing my boot against the dusty pavement. Eren nodded, trying to find his words now that he didn't need to explain.
"Well, I'd like you to see it with us, too. All of us. I know you hate me, and I can't blame you, but...will you lend your strength to us when we reclaim Shiganshina..? Wall Rose..?" He extended his hand in offering, and I stared down at it.
See the ocean, huh..?
I had never quite seen the appeal, despite my yearning for freedom. An endless lake, filled with salt and hideous creatures? It didn't sound all that inviting.
"I don't fight when people tell me to, Eren." I announced, making sure to let his shoulders slump all the way before I chose to give him my hand. "I just so happen to want the same things you do. At least, kind of. I suppose you have my support. Besides, I doubt anyone would give me much of a choice in the matter anyway, considering my position."
His grey eyes widened as I spoke, and his lips twitched upwards into a tired smile, one full of appreciation.
"Thank you, (Y/N). This time, I swear it. I won't make any wrong choices." Pulling my hand back, I gave his shin a kick. Nothing too harsh, but enough to make him stumble backwards.
"Don't get me wrong. I still don't trust you very much...but I can tell you mean what you say. Keep working, Eren."
Turning, I entered the women's building, ignoring each passing new recruit until I managed to slip into my room, which thankfully remained souly my own. Stripping off and changing into an old, oversized shirt I had been gifted by Eld's mother, I flopped down onto my bed, quickly leaving the world of the conscious.
"You wanted to see me? I'm flattered!" I didn't care where I was, if I was anywhere at all. All that I cared about was the dapple-cheeked cadet in front of me, tinged pink as he smiled. Without hesitation, I ran to him, the warmth of his welcoming arms all too real as I buried my face into his chest, dampening his shirt.
"M..Marco...I'm so conf..fused...about everything...So much has happened..." I whimpered, feeling his hand stroke my loose (H/C) hair, just like it had done before.
"I know, I saw it all. You've gone through so much, (Y/N)." He sighed, but not sounding sad. He was just like he always had been. Before.
"Wh..what do I do..? I'm sick of fighting...I'm sick of losing people...I don't want to be the reason for any more death..." I sniffled, the chest against my face broadening slightly, becoming even more familiar, though in a different way.
"More tears, (N/N)? You know you're prettier when you smile." Peering up, I still saw freckles, but instead of raven, I was met with soft, sunny ginger. "Walk with me, and tell me all about it." Taking his hand once he pulled back, I allowed him to lead me along the nothingness, which stretched on forever.
"D..Dimitri...I can't do anything right. The people I love keep dying...I don't know how to be a part of...whatever this is. Being a dog of the Survey Corps is just..." I trailed off, still crying, but my voice more stable. My brother tightened his hand around mine, smiling at me in the way that used to always send my troubles packing.
"Following orders doesn't mean you're following his orders, (N/N). If you trust Erwin, or Levi, or Hange, then would it really be so bad? Just because positions of power remind you of my father doesn't mean everyone holding one is going to make the same, terrible decisions."
He made sense, but it was hard to come to terms with. It felt so wrong, putting so much faith in someone that was so willing to sacrifice lives. My own still didn't seem so important. It was the lives of those I cared about that mattered to me.
"Did...you know that Erwin was my dad..?" I asked, not questioning him when he took my other hand, positioning it on his shoulder before starting a slow dance out of the blue.
"No, but even if I had, it never would have mattered. I still would've done what I did to save you." My tears streamed heavier as I listened to him, his loving smile one that took me back to the few good parts of my childhood, before the incident. "Hey, remember when we used to dance around like this? You used to stand on my feet and make me twirl you around! Like this!"
The world spun as Dimitri twirled me in a circle, his face shifting, slimming, changing, until I was dipped down.
"Kinda sucks that we never got to dance like this for real, huh?" Something consumed me in that moment. I wasn't sure if it was grief, or joy, but it made me begin to weep harder than ever, my arms flying to wrap around his neck as he lifted me back up.
"Eld..! I'm s..so sorry..! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..!" I cried, trying to get closer than physically possible. He just held me, his embrace feeling like a distant memory.
"Hey now, none of that. You've got nothing to be sorry for. What, do you think I'd be mad about seeing you love again?" Chuckling, the blond pulled back a little, using his sleeve to wipe away my cascading tears.
Everything about him, all of them, was so real. Body heat, voices, heartbeats. If I hadn't had the images of their corpses permanently burned into my mind, I likely would have mistaken it for a reality.
"B..but I love you..! We were gonna get ma..marr..married..!" I wasn't even sure if I had taken a breath in this world, but it didn't seem to matter. Nothing hurt, at least physically.
"I know you do. I love you too, but I'm not there anymore, sweetheart. We get to watch you keep on living. It's okay to remember, and let go at the same time." Suddenly, it wasn't just Eld. Both Dimitri and Marco had returned, but they had been joined by the others I had lost. Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Mike, Nicholas, Boy.
"You can still lean on us! It isn't like we're far away, after all!" Petra giggled, arms slung over the shoulders of the smiling Gunther and Oluo.
"You're a strong woman, (Y/N)." Mike stated, arms folded across his chest as he stood tall. "We're supposed to be lifting you up, not dragging you down."
Nodding in agreement, Nicholas stroked Boy's nose as the horse bobbed his head, hoof clicking against the non-existent ground.
"It's like you feel guilty for living. We weren't just going to stand around and let you feel that way."
It was all fake. None of it was real. So, why the hell did it all make sense? Shaking my head, I went to bury my face back into Eld's chest, but this time I wasn't able to feel it. Eyes wide, I looked up at him, his form fading before me, and everyone else seemed to be following suit.
"W..wait...I..I'm not ready..! Don't go yet..!" I begged, desperately trying to grab hold of someone, anyone, to no avail. "I have too many questions..! What am I supposed to do?! Who do I follow?! Who do I put my faith in?!"
Each and every one of them had a soft, almost haunting smile on their face as they disappeared into the nothingness, and suddenly I couldn't breathe, my lungs burning and my chest aching as I dropped to my knees.
"The first thing you need to do, (Y/N)...is wake up..."
Flying upright, I gasped and spluttered, barely able to get a lungful of air. My face was wet, my pulse was wild, and my entire body felt like it had been on fire.
"(Y/N), hey! You okay?! You were seriously thrashing about!" It took me a moment to notice that Sasha was kneeling beside me on the bed, hands hovering and concern written all over her face.
Without a second thought, I threw myself into her, clinging like a pathetic child as I began to sob. There wasn't any way I could begin to describe it all, but she seemed to understand. Welcoming me into her arms, she petted my hair and rocked me gently, allowing me to let it all out.
"It's okay...I've got'chya...Nightmares are the worst, huh?" She murmured, shifting a little so she could rest against the headboard, letting me settle against her chest. "I once had a dream that there was no meat left in the whole world, and I totally cried for like a week! It was so-"
I wasn't quite able to follow what she was saying, but just having someone speak, someone I knew, seemed to help me to calm down. Whatever had happened with Levi in the cottage, alongside the new revelation of Erwin being my father, had opened up my emotional wounds, just a little.
The dream I had experienced hadn't been a nightmare. If anything, it had to have been some kind of epiphany. Every waking moment, their deaths had been eating me alive. Guilting me into closing myself off, feeling sorry for myself, refusing to trust or love, because I was scared.
In our world, losing people was a given. Between titans and humans, there were going to be instances like that. Ones that I could never change, even if I tried. What Levi had said made more sense now. I never regretted loving any one of them, and if I continued down the path I was walking, I would regret not loving those who still lived.
Closing my eyes, I clung to Sasha like a baby, the gentle pep of her voice lulling me back into a state of partial calm.
The first thing that I need to do, to let go of it all...is to face everything that's holding me back...
.
.
.
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.
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***Sasha's dream sounds traumatic, in my opinon (I say, despite being a newbie vegetarian).
Also, I'm not sorry for the Levi cockblock.
Next Time: New Perspective***