It was all too much.
This whole day.
From his depressing moment at the back patio to my internal struggles at the beach: I wonder how on Earth it is he and I have been friends for so long
We're hardly ever serious and when we are- it's near detrimental.
I can count on one hand all the times I thought Tom and I were done being friends.
More than half of them have been my doing.
He rarely raises his voice and he rarely ever confronts me on important issues- which is good and bad in a way.
If you avoid conflicts- how will you ever resolve the hidden struggles your facing due to the other person.
But Tom doesn't do confrontation.
Tom couldn't put up a fight if he tried.
Too zen.
It was a surprise to myself that I agreed to come to South Africa with him. I'm not one for spontaneity.
And he knows this.
Which is why I think he's super excited to bring me.
"So the bungalow has three bedrooms- so choose which ever you like, My Dear. The patio leads right off to our own private little beach and...what?" He turns and finds me just gushing at him.
I know he doesn't have romantic feelings for me- but every my dear, darling, and sweetheart he calls me makes my whole body hum as if I'm finally breaching Heaven's Gates.
"Oh...nothing...I was just wondering if I should leave my bikini inside when I tan or underneath a towel on the beach." Watching his face turn five different shades of red, he opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. "Kidding! Gosh, to think, I would actually sunbathe in South Africa. Better things to do than laze around all day."
"Yeah...about that- it's a closed set tomorrow- so..."
"So I'll be lazing around all day?" I'm disappointed. I looking forward to seeing Tom act in person again.
"I'm sorry, Duck. I thought Brody would let you on because well...you are Emma Watson- but he said that two Harry Potter stars is enough and three would just make the other cast members jealous." That's not the reason. He probably asked Brody- who probably made a slight stink and Tom backed down instead of insisting it would be fine to have me there.
"Right- you dramatic, lying git." Pushing him, I take off running for the bedrooms as he lands on the couch. "I get the biggest bed!"
"Woman!" He calls as he runs down the corridors after me. The bungalow is a decent size- small passageways between rooms and mysterious doors leading to room you never knew existed. It's kind of fun playing a big game of hide and seek tag with him. "You get lost in here- I don't want to hear it! Besides, I already know which room has the best..."
He stops at the room I'm in and finds me laying on the bed in my bikini.
"How did you change that fast?"
"I already had it on under my clothes." I lazily say and stare at the ceiling fan spinning around and around. Walking over to me, he sits on the edge of the bed and runs his hand up and down my shin.
"You mad, bro?" Laughing at his ridiculous vernacular, I shake my head at him. Crawling up the bed, he lays on his side and props his head up with his left arm and hand. His right hand slowly moves from freckle to freckle on my arm. "Remember when we played connect the dots?"
"Haha! The fact that you used a sharpie marker still kills me." It was about two years ago. I was in between boyfriends and had been spending a lot of time with him.
Unfortunately, that's always how it seems to go.
Mostly because men are domineering and constantly jealous- having a male best friend- even a gay one- is often frowned upon by the guys you date.
At least, that's always been my case.
None of my previous boyfriends liked the idea of Tom and I being as close as we are. They hate Tom- inherently because they all know how to google Emma Watson Tom Felton Crush.
So Tom gets pushed on the back burner when I'm dating. Which sucks horribly because I hate not having him around. I couldn't imagine a happy fulfilling life without Tom in it.
"I can't believe you let me continue after I got to you shoulders." He stopped just short of my bra. From my wrist to just beneath my clavicle, I put up with him drawing lines between my freckles- simply for the fact that I had him all to myself. No distractions.
No one busting through the door.
Just Tom and I.
"You know...we could finish." I say and his eyes widen. "Get a pen..."
There's a struggle going on behind his beautiful blue eyes, but I don't know why. I'm presenting him with the opportunity to make a move- Hell- I've been giving him opportunity after opportunity since I was 13!
I guess the fact he hasn't taken it yet is because he truly has no romantic feelings for me.
"I prefer sharpies." He says boldly and his hand slowly glides from the freckle on my upper shoulder to the one on my clavicle. He pauses for a moment and searches my eyes for a long time. Reaching my hand up to his, I bravely move his hand over top of my right breast and his lips part slightly. I squeeze his hand in mine- urging him to feel my barely covered chest. My mouth waters slightly and I feel my body heat up as he takes my hint. However after a few moments, he removes his hand and instead cups my face. Looking up into his eyes, my cheeks heat up as he leans down towards me.
But before he can make contact- his phone goes off.
Fucking ignore it, Tom!
"I'm...I'm sorry- that's probably Brody about tomorrow." He regrettably says and I wave him off. Hustling out of the room, he leaves me there and I inwardly growl.
So fucking close!
I was so close!
He could've had his way with me by now- but no- his phone comes first.
Alright- so that is is job- but still.
Priorities.
***45 Minutes Later***
Sitting in a lounge chair under a big tree, I'm halfway through the book I started in the plane.
It's not very interesting, but it's better than waiting on Tom to get off the phone. After a few more pages, I hear the patio door slide open and I figure he's done.
"Emma!" I raise my hand up so he can find me and I wait. Flipping to the next page, I begin to read, when he pops down beside me on the lounger. "Sorry, had some problems with scheduling- but Brody extended his apologies for keeping me and wanted to know if we wanted to attend a wrap party tomorrow night after filming. It's nothing fancy- just very casual- Bo-Ho kind of thing."
"Sounds fun." I try so hard not to sound frustrated with him- but I'm probably failing.
I came to South Africa on a whim to find out if he actually has feelings for me and he's busy fucking around on his phone and talking about parties. I thought we'd have some alone time after he was done filming.
"Duckling...don't lie to me. You don't want to go do you?"
"It's your wrap party. You should go and have fun." I say and he seems to take it wrong.
"So you would rather stay here- while I went to a party?"
"I mean, I wasn't even supposed to be here- so you should stick with the agenda that was made for you." He takes the book from my hands and sets it on the table beside us. Taking my hands in his, he squeezes them gently in his.
"I asked you here, because I wanted you to be here...with me. Not just staying around the bungalow reading books and sunbathing. If you don't want to go- I don't have to go either. It's just another party." Huh... backing down from what he wants again. He never fights for himself- he always just gives in to what everyone else wants.
"It doesn't matter to me either way. This was your series. You should take pride in it and show up to the party. "
"But...Em- I want you there." Wow- was that some sort of confession?
"Then I'll be there." His smile grows widely and he leans forward he kisses my forehead.
So close.
"Alright, what shall we do first?" He asks and stands up.
"You tell me. What does one do in Cape Town?"
"Well...the peaks to climb, museums, botanical gardens, beaches, restaurants...what do you feel like doing?" Sliding off the lounger, I walk over to him and smile warmly.
"Surprise me." I hate surprises, but I need him to find me fun. I used to be fun, but the years of hard work, social issues and pressures- have changed all that.
"Alright. If you insist. You'll need to put on clothes first." Reaching out, he snaps my bikini strap against my shoulder and takes off running to the beach.
"Why you!!!" Chasing down after him, It's so hard to catch up as he's halfway down the private beach. Stopping halfway to him, I haven't the strength to get any closer. Plopping down onto the surprisingly cool sand- I allow the sand to warm my back and the sun to warm my front. And then the shadows block it. "Hey...."
Opening an eye, I find Tom standing over me- half outta breath and looking worried.
"You alright? What's wrong?" Getting down beside me, he looks me over and embraces my cheek.
"Nothing- I just couldn't keep up."
"Oh...I turned around and saw you on the ground- I thought something terrible happened." Pulling his hand away, sits down on the sand beside me and watches the oceans waves of the mid afternoon hit the beach with power behind them. Turning on the sand, I rest my head on his lap a hold onto his left leg. He doesn't say anything and certainly doesn't see to mind.
Then again- he always allowed me to hold onto me.
He just never held back.
"I'm sorry I'm a brat." I apologize and he chuckles.
He's always laughing.
Always so cheery and fun.
He's a light in my sometimes dark world.
"I'm sorry I'm a git." All I can do is smile and look towards his face. Stretching my hand up, I play in the stubble on his face and he seems to press his cheek into my hand a bit more.
"You are a git." Of all the things I could've said to make this moment better- I say that.
"Haha, and you are most definitely a brat." Rolling over, my head being able to feel him beneath his shorts, I simply face his stomach and my hand creeps under his red cut off shirt. I pretend to be trying to nap, but my fingers curl around a few of his hairs near his navel. "Girl, don't do it."
I say nothing and still, but I know he doesn't believe me.
"You're trouble, Emma Watson." With that little comment, I pull his tiny little baby body hairs and he forcibly removed my hand. "One of these days, Duck..."
"What are you going to do?" Goading him, I wait for his come back, but instead- he just lets go of my hand places his on right cheek and tugs at my ear lobe gently. "Oww..."
"That was so fake and you know it." Rubbing his thumb up and down my cheek, he looks down into my eyes for such a long time. "Thanks for coming, Em."
"Of course."
"Now we better get you out of the sun before you get even more freckles I have to connect." Forcing me up and off his lap, he stands up and extends his hand to me- which I take without question. Walking to the bungalow, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and all I can do is lean my head against his shoulder.
I wonder if he'll ever man up and say it.
I can't wait around forever.
I'm running out of time.