Wed. 3/18/09 • 12:34 A.M. PST
I'm at a loss of words; I don't understand what's going on! Is this a sick fucking prank or something? How the hell would Evelyn have any access to drugs when I literally keep her cooped up in my house? Nothing about this makes any sense!
This has to be a disgusting attempt at a joke...
What, has she been sneaking people over? I know for a fact she doesn't leave my house! Our chat on my phone is tagged with her location! I've made sure to message her numerous times a day, even while out of the state on business, to ensure that she complies with my rules!
"I just don't get it!" I exclaim suddenly, my mind aflame with too many thoughts for me to process. This definitely isn't what I thought I'd be dealing with on the first night of my 'vacation.' I was finally feeling better about the situation with Tyler and Sophie, only to be thrusted right back into another crazy dilemma! "This is like... exactly what I was worried about bringing her out here! It's the entire reason I've basically kept her locked up like an evil stepmother! This- this has to be bullshit!"
Russ, his eyes glued to the road, only offers a shoulder shrug and sympathetic glance. He's been really quiet since Ty called and told me about Evelyn, choosing to listen to my occasional ranting and raving instead. I don't blame him; I doubt this was on his itinerary for our vacation. Like I said, I'm basically at a loss of words too...
This is almost too much to handle.
We drive in silence for a while, my mind still racing between different theories on how Evelyn got ahold of any fucking drugs. What did she fucking take that knocked her unconscious?
Did she get into an old stash of mine that slipped through the cracks in my effort to clean all of them out? What the hell could I have possibly had hidden away that would do that though? It just seems too unlikely to be true! Evelyn would have had to really go digging around my house to find any stashes I may have missed; She barely likes to leave her fucking room!
I think back to when she showed up at my hotel in New York; I'm pretty sure one of the first thoughts I had was that she was still using back then. She was more thin than usual, fidgety, and looked extremely tired and worn out. Then she had me go to Creekside 'to pack.' What if she only had me take her back there to pick up her stash? Rob told me I shouldn't fucking trust her. Was I really so naive as to look past the idea that she may have packed her own stash? She could have been using all along!
I let out a sigh, my mind too overwhelmed to keep up my line of questioning how this happened. The point is, it fucking happened. Even while doing my best I've found a way to fuck something up. I was only trying to help her! How could she do this to me? To my daughter?
After everything we've been through!
"I just... I feel so betrayed," I say out loud though it started as just a thought passing through my mind. I'm just venting; I have to or I'll fucking explode trying to keep all of these thoughts and emotions spent up inside of me.
Russ turns to me though, his eyes only periodically turning back to the long straight highway we drive down. There's a look on his face I can't quite read; What is it?
I thought he was upset at first having been interrupted while trying to tell me whatever it is he did, but he informed me before we left the hotel that he was just worried.
That's a natural emotion to have given what went, and is going down at my house right now.
"I'm so sorry, Hayden..." he says, his eyes turned up in worry before he turns back to the road to merge into another lane. He doesn't say anything else, but I can see on his face that he wants to even through the dark of my car.
I wait, but nothing.
Maybe I read that look wrong? Why does he seem so... on edge? Did I do something? Or say something?
I let out another sigh as I try to sort my mind. I have too many thoughts and emotions, and too little capacity to deal with them. "It's not your fault," I say as I pull my phone out to check in on Ty handling everything at the house. He responds right away letting me know that Ev is still breathing. "I- I should have known better than to trust her... she has a track record of betraying me for her precious addiction..."
It's a shame, but it's true. Evelyn and I have been through so much together; She was my best friend for a long time, and helped me through a lot of fucked up situations. I have no idea how we got so bad, but Evelyn used to love me! She'd listen to me, cover for me, even take beatings for me! The girl worshipped me! But... I guess people change...
Or maybe they were never who they pretended to be in the first place...
"I- I'm just sorry," he says after a second, his hand tightly gripping his steering wheel as he navigates the road. "I'm sorry for what happened, for what might happen... I'm just- I'm just so sorry for everything. I should have tried harder."
Tried harder on what? Trying to convince me not to let Ev babysit overnight? It's really not that big of a deal; McKaiden is my daughter, I think I'm the one calling the shots for her.
Russ continues on, but my mind has traveled elsewhere and I'm tuning it out. I'm once again going through different theories as to how this could happen in my head. Every single one of them just seems so outlandish and impossible.
I've been keeping her on such a tight leash!
"How could this have happened?" I say out loud again though I know Russ is probably just as confused as me. I don't expect an answer, and I don't get one.
Russ just stares at the road, his knuckles white and eyes wide in worry for what we'll be walking in on when we get to my house; Same as me.