***December 24th, 2010***
Adjusting my tie, I wish I didn't come to this stupid Christmas Wrap party.
With the last day of shooting the last scene ever of Harry Potter- I find myself underwhelmed by it all.
Everyone else has been blubbering and reminiscing all week and though that's fine for them. I rather not think about it.
"You look sexy tonight." Her arms wrap around me and she plants a chaste kiss to my neck. Looking up in the mirror at Jade- I smile, but I hate to say it's in-genuine
"Thanks, Babe." I respond back. We've been together for a little over two years now and though I can say consistent sex and snuggles are nice- I've slowly lost the sensation to enjoy the guaranteed.
I'm 23 for fucks sake. I shouldn't find shagging boring. I should long for it.
"After we're done here...why don't we go back to my place and further our party." Her hand slips down the front of my trousers and it naturally lifts my spirits...if you know what I mean.
"Darling- please." I remove her hand and my private area and step aside.
"Too bad, Emma won't make it tonight." She jabs and I shake my head. Emma and her recent boy toy have been called away on a family holiday. She regrettably told everyone she would be missing the Christmas Eve party and that news deflated me even more.
"Yeah, well- her loss." I grumble and leave the hotel room. Heading to the elevator, I press the button and wait. Jade- who's leaning against me and texting on her phone- barely notices when the door opens. "Babe...come on."
Getting in, she leans against the back wall- snapping photos of herself in her elegant black dress.
"Are you going to be on your phone the whole night?" I ask her and she rolls her eyes.
"I'm just steering a friend. Calm down. I don't gripe when you text Emma."
"You like to bring her up a lot don't you? Well let me tell you something- Jealously isn't pretty on anyone- Jade." When I say this the elevator doors open on the fifth floor and in pops none other than Emma and George Craig.
What fucking loser has two first names? Craig as a last night...fucking stupid!
"Tom! Jade!" Emma happily says and throws her arms around us both. Jade glares at me and then feigns joy.
"So nice to see you, Em. Didn't think you were coming." Jade snidely says.
"Yes- well- change of plans. Can't miss the last Christmas Potter Party. Miss saying goodbye to all my best Mates." Her words hurt me for some stupid reason. "Especially this guy!"
Squeezing me again in her hug, I can't help but relish her arms around me. It's been so long.
"Oh! Jade- this is my boyfriend- George. George, this is Jade and Tom." She introduces us as the elevator descends down to the first floor so we can head to the private ballroom. George simply nods and pulls out his phone.
Apparently- he and Jade have that in common.
Awkward silence fills the box for the rest of the ride and I hate it. Time with Emma shouldn't be awkward. It should be fun and enjoyable.
It always used to be.
***August 2019***
I got to admit- I'm not usually one for the heavy overtaking of sadness- but after this morning's...awkward encounter in bed with Emma, I'm feeling it.
That unforgivable feeling many experience, but no one talks about because it's taboo.
Depression.
I'm usually happy- more than most. Why shouldn't I be? I'm alive and loved...by friends and family at least.
So why is it I feel so heavy and weak around Emma sometimes.
I've never been the serious serious one in our friendship. Usually Emma has to reign me back in- but lately it's been different.
This morning for example.
My crude comment should have never been uttered. More importantly, I shouldn't have felt the way I did.
Being on top of her like that.
Gazing down into those beautiful eyes.
She's made it abundantly clear- to everyone- that she's over me.
Yet my feelings are still manifesting and getting stronger for her.
Sitting at one of my favorite restaurants at Venice Beach- I stare out at the ocean as Emma sips her sweet tea and feeds Willow a French fry.
"You've been awfully quiet all morning. Did the lack of sleep break you?" She beams at me with her hat back- well my hat- backwards on her head and her white t-shirt slightly exposing her black bra underneath it.
"Do you want to come with me to South Africa?"
"Hmm...that's random. What's in South Africa?"
"I'm finishing up filming Origin tomorrow. Then I was planning on staying a bit." It's beautiful in Cape Town. I'd move there if it meant Emma would be with me.
"Tomorrow? When are you leaving?" Is she really considering coming?
No.
Emma doesn't do spontaneous anything.
She loves structure and months of planning.
She can't jump on a whim and say- Yes, I'll do it.
"In about two and a half hours." I say and her face drops.
No way she's considering it.
"Alright."
Wait...what?
"What?"
"Yeah- I'll come with you. I've never been to South Africa...so why not?"
"You're serious? You're going to come?!" I ask again to make sure I heard her right.
"Well if you keep asking- I'm going to change my mind." Biting a French fry, she smiles sheepishly at me and I honestly can't believe it.
"Alright! I won't ask. But you should probably get some clothes together."
"Don't you have enough for the both of us?" My pants tighten slightly and I'm thankful there's a solid table blocking her view.
"Well...um...so mean- sure- if you don't mind board shorts and going topless." Why the fuck did I say that?!
"Well...it is hot in Africa...I could go all natural for a few days." Tighter! The trousers are definitely tighter than seconds ago.
"I think we're gonna find you a Burqa and hijab." Last thing I need is a naked Emma Watson making the news.
"Oh- you're no fun." She rolls her eyes and looks out at the ocean. "Do you think it'll always be this way?"
"What? Sunny?"
"Haha, no...us." I don't understand.
"Well...yeah...I guess so. I'm not going anywhere. Can barely remember where I parked my car- where would I go?" She doesn't find my jokes amusing. Her eyes glide over my face like a sword against a wet stone- harshly scraping the dull edges in order to get the blade looking like new.
"That's not what I meant." She stands up- obviously upset and takes Willow by her leash and makes her way across the walk to the beach. Getting up, I quickly toss our things in the trash and run to catch up with her. I find her sitting on the sand staring at the ocean. Her face long and inquisitive and pained.
"Hey....hey now." I plop my arse beside her and pull her to my side. "What's going on in there? Hmm? Where's my duck swam off too?"
"I just don't want this to be....forget it." She stops herself from continue and shakes her head. Bury her feet in the hot sand- she avoids my gaze the best she can.
"Come on...that's not how we do things- Emma Watson. We tell each other everything."
Well...not everything.
"Spill." I say and tug her into my side.
"Am I only ever going to be one thing to...everyone?"
"Well, I mean if you were everything to everyone- you'd hardly be special. You'd probably have one of those number ticket things from the deli and have to call a number for.." pushing away from me, she becomes angry.
"Can't you ever be serious! Can't you ever just stop making jokes and have an actual conversation?!" She exploded. Into a thousand little pieces right there on the beach. Thankfully the area we're in is fairly vacant at the moment.
"What conversation should we be having- Emma?" I stand up and look down at her.
A conversation we've long since avoided- because it's uncomfortable and neither of us want to have it...but we can't go on without.
We've been doing this dance for twenty years now and the steps have only gotten more complicated.
"Just never mind!"
"Fine..." I say low in my voice.
"I'm sorry..." Glancing up at her, I wasn't expecting any of this. "I've just...I've been stuck lately and lost and...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled."
"No...I'm sorry...You're right. I do need to start being more serious...start having serious conversations." Making peace, she pushes her body into mine and I just feel like I'm losing her. One wrong move and she's gone.
***December 2010***
The party was slightly more amusing than I had previously thought it would be. Most of it started when George and Emma got into it over something. Both caused quite the scene and both exited the ballroom quicker than thief running away from a robbery.
I snuck away from Jade to find Emma.
Granted- she hasn't taking her eyes off her phone all night- so I doubt she'll even notice I'm missing.
Walking down the hallway, I pass the hotel gym and pool, but quickly backtrack as I peek in and find Emma with her legs in the pool. Looking around, I open the door and lock it behind me.
"Well, I shouldn't be surprised to find my little duck in the water." It's been a good while since she and I had one of these moments. Being alone together. No peering eyes. No scripts. No schedules.
Just me.
And.
Just her.
"Where's Jade? Shouldn't you two be sniffing by now?" Biting, she stands up and goes to leave, but I grab ahold of her waist and bring her close to me.
"Doesn't Hermione Granger want to have a final dance with Thee Draco Malfoy?" She doesn't smile though. She doesn't even blink.
"Why do you do this?" Her voice quietly cracks and I don't understand.
"I just wanted to make sure my best friend is alright."
"Yeah- well I'm not!" Her cry echoes through the pool and our reflections in the water dance in the ripples she left.
"George is an arsehole- Em. You can do better. You always will." She can do so much better than George. She can do better than just a stupid crush on me.
"It's none of your business." She pulls from me and makes her way to the door.
"Everyone was so upset this last film. Upset because the movies are over and with it maybe the best chapters of their lives." I say coldly and I hear the padding of her wet feet stop. "I'm personally glad it's over."
Because I no longer have to pretend I don't love Emma Watson.
I no longer have to worry what people would think of her and I being together.
"Well bully for you, Tom! You have a future to look forward too. A beautiful girlfriend to make your wife one day and all the money you could ever need!" Her sobs crash through my chest like bullets from a gun. "You won't need to be bothered with us any more."
Us?
The cast?
Or...
Her and I?
"Emma- you're missing what I'm trying to tell you..."
"No! I don't want to hear about how happy you are to move away to L.A with Jade! How happy you'll be leaving me...behind..." Marching across the tiled floor to her- I forcibly turn her around and her sad eyes widen. I've never been rough with her. I've never been angry like this.
"Why do you assume I'd be happy leaving you?"
"Oh please! You can't wait until you are far enough away from me so you don't have to listen to interviewers asking about that stupid pointless crush I had on you! So you won't have to be harassed by every fan asking if we're a couple! When you're gone- you'll finally be able to breathe and you'll be happier..."
"Listen here, Emma Watson- the last thing I would be happy about is not having you around- pestering me! So get over yourself! You're not getting rid of me and I'm stuck with with your pain in the arse ways!" I shout in her face and she says nothing more.
What happens when she finally does want to get rid of me?
What will I do then?