You were made for begging...Stay
Bitches Broken Heart
by Billie Eilish
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"I've got you."
Rowan presses a gentle kiss to my lips as he runs his hands down my skin, wet from the water drenching us both. The water beats against the poor, used muscles of my body and I moan against him. After ravaging me wherever he could, he had his mindset on taking care of me himself when I said I needed to clean up. It is hard to stand in the shower without his help and he wraps one arm around me while the other hand cleans me thoroughly.
He is gentle, rinsing my hair and when I go to wash he demands to do it himself. It is a sweet moment, both of us grinning at each other as he studies my mass collection of hair products. Secrets to the twists and turns of the hair he holds in his hands. We take it slow, step by step, cleaning my hair, leaving the conditioner in while we sneak kisses, I run my fingers through his hair and he marvels at my touch.
"You have got magic hands," Rowan doesn't mean it sexually but I smirk, hiding my chuckles and he smacks my bruised ass. The thrill hasn't left, getting harder to ignore when he holds me like this. I laugh softly before he stops me with his lips,
"What a dirty mind you have, Princessa."
I can barely keep my eyes open, my face leaning against his hard chest and I let him finish, he minds the tangles, my messy tresses turning back into fine curls, when he is able to comb his hands through it he grins like he has won a prize.
"I love your hair." I don't think I have managed to keep my smile away, it shelters for a few moments and then he says something sweet that calls it back. Again and again, he tells me I'm beautiful and it still feels like a strange phenomenon. Rowan hums something under his breath, demanding another kiss from me and when I refuse, he pins me against the cold tile and teases me until I give him what he wants.
In these sweet moments, there is no worry about tomorrow. I am completely enthralled by the present, here in the warmth of his arms while Rowan takes care of me. It is a comfort I have gone without for so long that I did not realize I needed.
He is a hard study, so different from the person I met in that board meeting. Now, all I see is the curly-headed boy and his silly smirks, trying to figure out who this new person is.
"Where did Adonis go?" It is the only question on my mind, this person changed from the man that stepped into my apartment a few days ago. It is strange to feel called to Rowan even after what I had been feeling before. How my perspective changed once I opened up about my fears and he accepted them with care. Rowan is strange to me.
He sighs, holding my face up to him and he wipes the water from my eyebrows with his thumbs. He traces it between my eyes and down my nose before settling on my lips, "I'm sorry for being an ass."
"Wow, is the great Rowan Hayes apologizing? Let me get my camera." Another smack to my behind and I squeeze my thighs tight, too sore to take him again but that doesn't mean I won't try with the right persuasion. "Did I hit a nerve, old man?" I am a glutton for punishment, his kiss is fire when he claims me again.
"What am I going to do with you?" Rowan asks and I give no answer, kissing him once more while he cradles me to him under the heat of the shower. I don't know the answer and I am too afraid to admit my truth. If I stay in the present, then tomorrow feels far away. One word above all else lingers, one I wouldn't dare to say.
Stay.
The cold sheets beside me are the first thing I notice when I wake. It is before I even open my eyes, I can tell that Rowan's large body is gone. The presence fading away and I am left in this empty bed. My hand reaches out to the cold patch and I wring my hands in the sheets.
My body is sore, the muscles of my thighs tight and aching, hips bruised and parts of my body marked by him. My breathing is uneven, the anxiety rising as I realize that I am left with the destruction that he caused. My stupid heart constricts in my chest and I squeeze my eyes tight, how stupid I am to think he would stay.
He told me before not to get attached and here I am, alone with the loss. Thinking that when he told me I was beautiful, that he wanted me, that he couldn't let me go, that it actually meant something. In all honesty, they were just flimsy words that were said in the moment, when the high got to our heads. I was the stupid girl that believed them because no one had ever talked to me so kindly before.
I feel my eyes well with tears but I refuse to cry. Not for something like this, not for Rowan, and not for Adonis. Celeste will wallow in this moment but Envy will move on. She has another show she must do, there will always be another performance, another night, it can't mean anything to Envy. I can't let this sway me.
I cover my naked body with the sheets, overwhelmed when I can smell him still on them. His words from before ring true, after he is gone, he is still able to haunt me, ruin me, and take everything from me once again.
For now, I can clean up the sheets, put away the scene, but I can't take his marks off my body. It is the only thing I cannot erase. Sitting up, my stomach is in cramps, my whole body sore and I find it hard to move. I laugh at myself, the big bad girl of Sin City ruined after one night with a man she barely knows.
Rowan kept to his promise, taking me all over my apartment until I couldn't stand anymore. Almost sleeping in his arms when he cleaned me gently and kissed me softly beneath the water. He washed my body and cleaned my hair, marveling at its texture and telling me I felt like clouds, like heaven.
Far too intimate but I was too stubborn to pull away. To let the moment go, feeling closer to another human being when I had spent years all alone. I got so used to my loneliness, to cold sheets and empty rooms. Always hoping that my life would have turned out differently.
Rowan pissed me off half the time he was with me but that one night with him seemed to make up for everything. When he made me laugh and kissed me until I forgot how to breathe. Refusing to let me go and holding me until I agreed with him.
That crooked grin that came to his face when he knew he had me. I fought it for as long as I could but I couldn't fight the pull. I fell asleep while we clung to each other, his face buried in my hair because he said he loved the way I smelled. Rowan said it was his new addiction, honey, rose, and coconut, I was sweet to him.
It was the first time in my whole life that I didn't sleep alone.
But even after all of this, he was gone.
I am the one left on this dirty bed, regretting everything, hating myself for thinking anything would be different. He told me his plans from the beginning and I still thought things would change because he didn't fuck me in front of a camera. It was his desire, it was what he wanted, I didn't even know that by having him again that I was playing by his rules. He got what he wanted and left.
This is why I have stayed alone, I remind myself, I have protected myself from hurt like this. I have refused to be used and left behind again. Rowan doesn't change that, I won't give him the power. I won't be that pathetic little girl desperate for someone to want her. Rowan fed into the lie and I gave him more than I should have. My insecurity led me to trust a man I barely know.
Even as Envy, the one thing I could never escape was my insecurity. Everything about me that was considered less than. My skin, my being, my place. Just trying to scream at a world that refuses to acknowledge me.
I don't remember a time where I could look at myself in the mirror and not find a flaw. Part of it because I didn't have the best upbringing and I think that played a lot into how I saw myself. Watching two people in a loveless marriage stuck because of me and what others would think.
It made me hate myself. I wasn't the daughter they wanted, I liked to keep to myself and I wasn't one to go to school dances or do the things that society expected girls to do. Constantly, I had to fight to not feel like I was a burden, the anchor keeping my parents from sailing away from each other.
For most of my life, my dad asked me why I couldn't just be normal. It took me a long time to break out of the cycle that I was used to, constantly thinking that I wasn't good enough and always wanting to change. It made it even harder when I fell in love.
Thinking that all men would critique me the way my father did, that they would see me too as the stone that wouldn't pass. I never really thought anyone would ever want me, schoolboys and crushes never saw me as the optimal mate.
Others only wanted me for one thing and when I refused I was thrown away. After a while, I got tired of getting my heart broken, of carrying the shatters of my heart to different people only for them to add more.
I have been mocked at, laughed at, and shamed by people my entire life. Sin City was the first place I felt like I truly belonged. It makes me feel powerful, as a woman, but more specifically a black woman. I am not judged for coming as I am.
My job gives me power. Sensuality without judgment, beauty without ridicule, I am desirable without society telling me everything that is wrong with me. Sin City is the place for outcasts and misfits. Away from the hold the world has on each of us, on the site we are allowed to be who we truly are.
There is no more hiding, no more doubt, or fear of rejection. I am all that I have ever wanted to be and I am wanted. No boxes for Envy. She is free, confident, loved, admired.
Celeste is the socially awkward black girl that doesn't fit in any role. Too quiet to draw attention with a personality too loud to be wanted. I hate being me sometimes, but I love who I am behind the camera. It is what drew me to Adonis, someone who understood me even before we met.
I feel like an artist and a lover. Creating something beautiful between myself and a crowd of strangers. Feeling comforted by my audience and never left with any doubt of the prowess I possess. It feels like the high when the theater curtains first open and you see the guests waiting for you. To perform, give them a show, fall in love. Like the first chapter of a great book that you just know is going to be good.
The rush is unlike anything else, like a drug as I watch thousands come for me. Wanting to know me, see me, be me. They have never abandoned me, strangers more loyal than the people who say they love me. They return to me what I give to them and I never go without. I am a performer and would be nothing without my crowd.
But it has always been this.
The curtains draw and I give my heart for the night and then watch them go. Back to their real lives and I go back to the cold apartment I live alone in. Remembering that I am just the Cam Girl they tune into every night. Not a companion, or friend, or lover.
They come for Envy, not Celeste.
Which is why it felt so strange when Rowan stayed. Without the masks and stage names, he wanted me. He understood me more than I would care to admit. Another lonely artist. He forced my mask off and took my name, took more than he should have, and reeled me into the deep end. He asked for me when the world has always questioned me.
Rowan took me in on this bed and all he saw was beautiful. Adonis said I was beautiful, no ifs, then, or buts. It was strange and addicting. Most of my life when a compliment was associated with me it always came with a colored tag.
You're pretty for a black girl
You'd look better if you were a bit lighter like her.
You are the prettiest black girl I know.
I was never beautiful just because. I was constantly compared to others, of my race and opposite, always feeling like I had been more insulted than complimented. Wondering why I couldn't just be pretty?
Did it always have to be like this?
Adonis was the first person to call me beautiful without adding anything else to it. As if I just was. Simple. He thought I was beautiful. He laid beside me as he ran his fingers over my lips and cheeks, grazing my flesh gently, and said it was so. My skin color wasn't a problem, my big lips, puffy hair, and curvy body were held and accepted for the first time.
And I dared to feel special.
For just one moment, I let myself think that I actually could be.
Someone wanted me and I gave in too easily to that feeling. When the show ended and the people went home, Rowan was still there and he still wanted me. He stayed. No cameras, no viewers, no contract binding us. Rowan looked at me and wanted Celeste, not Envy.
That is how Envy was created. My more attractive persona, he met her and still wanted that awkward young girl who had never been held by a man before. Talked more about books than herself, asked annoying questions, and drank way too much liquor.
The Celeste I hid away at curtain call.
But like every other night, I wake up alone again. Rowan goes back to his real life like all the others and leaves me behind. I was forced back into reality, laying alone like usual in an empty apartment with the other side of the bed gone cold. Nothing to no one again.
I felt crushed and I refuse to continue to wallow in it.
I put on my game face, roll my shoulders back and force myself up. My body screams, wanting to rest but I can't stay in this room. Showering and dressing, I spend the better half of the day wiping Rowan's existence from my apartment. The sheets, the pillows, the room he stayed in, the scraps of my robe and clothes.
Rowan and Adonis simply do not exist here anymore. Not here to mess up my plans or turn my world upside down. He is gone and I will move on. There will be more shows, more nights, and Envy will perform with a smile and Celeste will forget about sweet nothings.
My apartment is scrubbed clean and it is mine alone again. I erase him and look at my work with relief when it feels like me again. Control. A sound from my cam room calls me away and I see the bold words that take up the screen.
Payment from Mr. Black
All the zeros stare back, the real reason I did this wasn't for Adonis. I have to remember this. It was for my life, my career, I never counted for him and now it is time to deal with what comes next. The repercussions of a deal I made and now a world that sees me.
Everything has been for this, my part of the deal is done and I have won. Just because Rowan's gone does not mean I have lost, I have gained more from this than him. I win.
My wide eyes read the number. It's real. The part of me that feared this moment wouldn't come is erased and I cover my mouth with my hand when I almost scream. Transaction approved.
He did it. $500,000 transaction in total, his end of the deal.
| Better than I could have imagined, Envy. There are no words to describe how incredible it was. The world sees you now, like I hoped they would. Job well done.
With the message live, I click out of my transactions only to be bombarded. Thousands of people requesting private shows, pictures, tips, subscriptions of every kind. Comments are flying in, live comments archived which pictures of me and Adonis come across the screen.
The show is viral.
Virgin cam girl hits the world by storm.
Every social media page, millions of people talking about the show, sharing moments, trying to reach out to me. Business, fans, lovers, all begging for me to say something.
Cam Girl, Sin City's Envy, number one on all platforms.
I sit in front of the computer and all I see is me. I'm everywhere. There are too many, not even the tip of the iceberg and I watch in amazement. I try to read as many as I can, laughing at the craziness of it all. This has changed everything. The news is flagging me, messages being transferred to James and he messages me his panic and excitement.
Envy, star Cam Girl, who is she?
Getting to know more about the viral Cam Girl, Envy!
Her name is one people will remember forever.
It is too much to take in, so much more than what I expected. Envy is more than Sin City. More than the girl behind the camera. This is bigger than anything I imagined.
Millions of tweets, posts, I can see my face, my body all over social media. Love all around and I am behind the screen playing witness. I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.
One photo makes me stop, fingertips hovering over the mouse. It's us. Adonis hovering above me watching me with uncaged awe as I cum beneath him. Brows furrowed and mouth parted with a groan as I clenched around him. Lost inside me.
Pleasure, lust, sin. My nails are deep in his back, head thrown back in ecstasy with his name on my lips. I can feel the heat coming off the photo, the desire we felt for each other transcending through the photo.
It is art.
Adonis & Envy. The God and The Sin.
Even through the excitement, seeing my career blossom live, I cannot ignore the tension I feel. This feels like the beginning. Mr. Black hovers in the back of my mind, making me uneasy. Why do I feel like this is not the end? His words come to me as I watch the world cry out for their star,
The world sees you now, like I hoped they would.