Both women stared at the white device silently. Trembling fingers couldn't hold the test pack as it fell to the floor. They weren't expecting that they success on the first try. However, it didn't hurt any less. Jennie bit her lower lip as an effort to push the sadness but failed miserably. Her body shook when the tears descended freely on her cheeks.
She felt a pair of familiar arms wrapped around her tightly.
"It's okay, Nini." She heard her wife whispered. "It's going to be okay." She clutched to Lisa as if her life depended on her.
---
Lisa was quiet throughout the movie. Jennie knew she was disappointed. Her eyes maybe set on the screen but her mind was obviously wandering to the other thing. She scooted closer to Lisa as she set her chin on her wife's shoulder.
"I'm sorry."
"Hm?" Lisa turned to her. "Why?"
"I failed."
Lisa smiled a little. "It's not your fault. It's only our first try, Baby. It's sucks, but definitely not our fault."
"If we try again and it still doesn't work. What will we do?" Jennie asked hesitantly.
"We'll get him. We'll have a kid. In one way to another. I'll make sure we have our own little family."
"Should we talk to Sana?"
"I'll talk to her on Monday. Today, we will have a nice quiet quality time for ourselves and maybe nice candlelit dinner tonight?"
That got Jennie smiled a bit. "What do you want for dinner then? I have meat, if you want?"
Lisa shook her head as she pecked her wife's lips. "Let's go to that Italian you love so much. Also, do you want to go to spa beforehand? Or better yet, let's stay at a hotel tonight! We can have a private spa, candlelit dinner and breakfast on the bad all in one package." Lisa suddenly grinned widely.
"Why are you suddenly so romantic?" Jennie chuckled.
"I think we need more practice to make a baby." She winked playfully earning a light slap from Jennie. "You can't deny it, though." She tucked Jennie's hair behind her ear, looking into her eyes tenderly. "It's going to be like a second honeymoon. Remember Cape Town?" She pecked her right cheek, left cheek, right eye, left eye, the tip of Jennie's nose. "Just you and me."
"I love you." Jennie pulled her neck and kissed her hungrily. "You have no idea."
Lisa smiled at her turned on wife. "Please bring along my favorite sexy lingerie."
---
"Thank God we don't have to pay you." The three surgeons walked through the hall towards the cafeteria.
"I thought your insurance company covers the procedures?" Jisoo asked.
"Half of it." Lisa answered. "The price I have to pay for my kid. He's not even born yet." She shook her head, chuckling to the thought of her future child.
"I'm glad to help, Unnie. I can't wait for the mini you and Jennie run around and give you headache!" Sana laughed. "How's Jennie, by the way?" The ob-gyn doctor was concern. It was their third attempt after all. The first fail might be bearable, but not for second. The sadness was too obvious not to notice.
"She's good. She's coping up." Lisa patted Sana's shoulder. Lisa knew that somehow Sana felt guilty about the situation even though she had no say in this. She had done her best. The matter was because the higher power had not given his blessing for them.
"You'll get them, Limario. You'll get them somehow." Jisoo smiled supportivelly at her best friend.
"Thanks."
Lisa placed her lunchbox on the table then removed her lab coat, putting it messily on the chair. She waited for her friends to get their food. When they all were set, Lisa took a bite of the chicken cordon bleu and moaned at the heavenly taste. "I have the best wife in the world."
"That looks good." Sana peered at Lisa's food.
"Even more awesome in taste." Lisa bragged proudly. "I'll give you one bite." She offered her meal as Sana took it happily.
"Why can't Dahyun cook like Jennie? She can't cook for her life." Sana said while chewing the chicken. "Actually, Unnie, you can pay me with Jennie's food anytime."
"Come at dinner time anytime you please."
"You can cook." Jisoo said. She managed to steal a piece of chicken despite the physical violence Lisa threw at her.
"Well yes, but it's nice if she can cook me something." Sana ate her own lunch.
"At least you have someone to share." Jisoo mumbled absentmindedly as Lisa and Sana exchanged a glance.
"So. . . Jisoo Unnie, how's your face transplant patient?"
---
Irene pulled over her car to the driveway. She took her purse then did a little touch up before she stepped out of the car. She didn't know what Chaeyoung was up to. It couldn't be just usual meeting since they met everyday at the office. What could be the reason for Chaeyoung to invite her to this restaurant?
"I order the usual for you, is that alright?" Chaeyoung asked as soon as Irene sat on her seat.
"Yeah, thanks." They waited for the waitress to fill up their glass with fine wine. "Thank you." Both of them said simultaneously.
"So. . . what do you want to talk about?"
"Straight to the point are we?" Chaeyoung rolled her eyes at the impatience.
Irene giggled. "I'm curious, okay? You sound so serious and the fact that you invite me to this exclusive restaurant deepens my curiosity."
"I have something to ask." She sighed heavily. "I have no intention to open your old wound but. . . I really need to talk about this."
"Okay?" Irene wasn't sure where Chaeyoung was going with this.
"How was it, dating a surgeon?" She voiced her question cautiously.
"Oh," Irene didn't see that coming. "Oh it's not an old wound, Chaeyoung. It's still fresh." She chuckled bitterly. "It feels like just yesterday she makes bad jokes about everything."
"I'm sorry." Chaeyoung stated sympathetically.
"Don't be. You have no reason to. It's all my mistake." She cleared her throat. "Who's this guy?"
"Girl." Chaeyoung corrected her sheepishly. "It's a girl."
"What?!" Irene was clearly surprise by the confession. "Since when did you swing this way?"
"Since that jerk cheated on me."
"And that instantly turns you gay?"
Chaeyoung shrugged like it wasn't big deal.
"Chaeyoung, you're too old to experimenting." Irene spoke as a matter of fact. "I assure your candidate is around our age too, right?" The latter nodded. "You can't play with people feeling."
"Don't accuse me like that, I'm not going to hurt anybody."
"I'm sorry, it's just. . . the last time I check you're straight as a stick."
"I'm straight as spaghetti before it gets wet." Chaeyoung fixed the sentence. "We're off the topic too far. Answer my question, please."
"Dating a surgeon sucks big time. There, you get my answer."
Chaeyoung was defeated. She slumped in her seat, undeniably down by the answer.
"They're super busy. Their patients come as they please. It doesn't matter if you are in the middle of a date or when you're having a serious conversation even during sex. They come like a wrecking ball and ruin everything and you can't say anything about it."
"Is that why you. . . you know?"
"Yeah. It gets lonely, you know? It's not going to stop. Ever."
"But—"
"Seulgi is great. She doesn't deserve it. I'm a fool and I regret it till this very seconds. Loneliness is not a valid reason for cheating. I still love her but she won't pick up my call or reply my text anymore. It hurts, Chaeyoung. I wish I can turn back the time. It's just a fling out of the need of attention. I'm so stupid." She shed tears. "I miss her." She buried her face in her palms.
Chaeyoung quickly moved to Irene's side and side hugged her friend. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for bring this up."
"It's okay," she sniffed. "You see Jennie, she made it somehow. It's different for every person. Try, but don't do something you'll regret."
---
"Mr. Byun, I really need you to talk to me first before you say a word." Jennie reminded her client. "They will use everything you say to fight against us. So whisper it to me and I'll do the talk. You pay me for this."
"They're really getting to my nerves." The well-suited man gritted his teeth. "You can't blame me for that." He looked away, folding his arms angrily.
"We will fight for your company but I need you to work with me. We shouldn't give them any chance to averse this to us." Jennie explained professionally
"Yeah, sorry." The elevator's bell dinged as the both of them stepped inside. The ride downstairs was quiet and thanks to the half of room, it wasn't awkward for Jennie.
"I'll let you know about the court date." Jennie said when they were about to part.
"Give me update if anything, Mrs. Kim. Good day."
Jennie bowed a little. She took the elevator to go back to her floor. She pressed the urge to scream for the sake of letting out her frustration on this case. She ran her fingers through her hair and walked towards her office hurriedly.
"Jen!" Irene shouted. She frowned when Jennie didn't seem to mind her. She decided to follow her friend. "Hey, Jen, do you want to—"
Jennie held index finger at Irene. That instantly shut Irene up.
"Lili, pick up!" She growled lowly. "Where are you?" She walked back and forth while biting her nail. She groaned loudly after three times her call went to the voice mail. "Baby, please call me as soon as possible." She left a voice mail then slumped on the leather chair tiredly.
"You okay?" Irene asked worriedly.
"Yeah, I just. . . I need Lisa."
"She's probably in surgery." Irene gave Jennie's shoulders a light massage. "Do you want some tea?"
Jennie shook her head. "Lisa would be nice, though."
"Why are you so clingy today?" Irene shook her head, mocking her friend. "I, unfortunately, can't drag her here. However, I don't mind if you want something that I can afford to get to you right now. For example, tea, cake, or something."
"No, thanks. I don't think I want to digest anything."
"Why?"
"I've been nauseating since two days ago. I don't know why and sometimes I feel like I'm going to faint."
"Have you told Lisa about this?"
Jennie shook her head. "It's nothing, probably just stress. I'll get over it."
"Jen, you're on IVF procedure. Are you sure you're not pregnant?"
"I'm pretty sure." Jennie mumbled quietly.
"Hey, what is it? Talk to me." Irene sat on the table as she grabbed Jennie's hand and held it tight.
"I got my period this morning." She choked on her voice. "It's not working again."
"Oh." Irene's heart broke at the sight of brokenhearted Jennie before her eyes. "Does Lisa know?"
"Not yet. I don't know how to tell her without disappoint her."
"I read it somewhere that it takes time for IVF to work. Don't think about it too much, okay? It will work, I'm sure of it."
"Yeah, I know." Jennie wiped the tears at the corner of her eye. "It's just the waiting, the hope and the look on Lisa's face every time she watched about babies. . . why is it so hard, Unnie?"
"It'll be okay, I promise." She pulled Jennie closer and hugged her. She let her best friend sobbed in her arms. It was hard for her not to cry too, but she had to be strong. She must not cry, at least not when Jennie needed her the most.
---
Lisa threw her body on the couch next to Jennie. She grinned widely as she showed her wife the brand new full color book she bought this afternoon at the bookstore inside hospital building.
"I can't resist when I see this." She eagerly opened the first page then lifted it again to show it to Jennie. "I don't know they can make this kind of book. It's like 3D book! So awesome!" Lisa was too absorbed in her own world. She flipped page by page. "Our kid is going to like it."
Jennie's heart shattered into pieces looking at the happy Lisa hoping for something that would not happen anytime soon. She wasn't sure how to bring the issue up. Lisa's expectation about this third chance was too high and although Jennie had shaken that belief with reasonable reason, Lisa stayed put.
"Baby?"
"Hm?"
"Do you want some Thai take out?"
"Huh?" Lisa lifted her eyes to her wife. "We just have dinner half an hour ago." She said as a matter of fact.
"Oh." Jennie blinked a couple of time. She didn't know where was that question coming from. Maybe because food could always distract Lisa off, she involuntary said that. "Y – yes, we've had dinner."
"But it's okay if you crave for some good old Thai! I'll call!" Lisa jumped off onto her feet but Jennie stopped her.
"You don't have to—"
"It's not a big deal, Baby. If you eat a lot then our kid is going to grow healthily." She smiled softly. "I'll make the call, I won't be long."
"Lisa, I'm not pregnant." Jennie spoke with her head hung low. The suspense was killing her. She couldn't bear it any longer.
"What?"
"I got my period this morning."
"Oh."
Jennie didn't dare to see her wife's face. By Lisa's dejected voice, she had fathomed how upset she was.
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." Lisa squatted down. She touched Jennie's cheek, silently asking her to look at her. "None of this is your fault."
Jennie couldn't hold it anymore. Lisa held Jennie tight, letting Jennie cried in her embrace. It was too much for Lisa to handle. She cried in silence, because no matter how crushed she was, she had to endure it for the sake of her wife.
"This is not your fault."
---
Jennie being sorrowful was very much acceptable. The repeated failure smacked her mental down to the ground mercilessly. Neither Lisa nor their family blamed her for this but she felt like it was somehow. She was devastated. She couldn't recover like she did before. She had asked Lisa to do the pregnancy but the latter was not down for that. They got into a big war because of this issue.
"Maybe this is because of my womb!"
"There's nothing wrong with your womb!"
"I fail three times, Lisa! Don't you get it?! I can't bear a child!"
"We can't immediately expect success, we just have to keep trying!"
"Why don't you do it?!"
"I can't!"
"You promise me a family, Lisa."
"We're not having this conversation again."
They weren't in a good terms since the fight. They dealt with their misery on their own. One didn't give in to the other. Both drown themselves into work. No one was willing to take the first attempt to make peace.
"Going early again?" Lisa squinted her eyes at the bright sunlight. She was still in her work clothes. Her legs were kind of itchy since she was still wearing jeans.
Jennie gasped out loud at the sight. She thought Lisa didn't come home last night. "Where have you been?!" She couldn't but raise her voice. She was so worried last night. She had called Lisa countless time but the voice mail answered her instead. Moreover, none of Lisa's friends she could reach.
"Um. . . I was here." Lisa mentioned the couch.
"I called you a hundred times!"
"My phone was off. I didn't know. It's still early, stop yelling." Lisa gave her a disapproving look. She took the TV remote as she turned it on.
"Are you really going to watch cartoon? We're not done talking." Jennie folded her arms in anger.
Lisa shrank her head at the back of the couch. She closed her eyes to remain cool. She had learned for so long to control her anger. Today would not be the day she lost it. "So you have time to talk now?"
"What? What's that supposed to mean?" Jennie asked. The way Lisa spoke, it was like she abandoned her or something.
"You heard me." The latter stated easily. "If you want to talk, then let's talk. If you can't, we can postpone it till you have time to sort this out."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying it's up to you." Lisa smiled curtly then went to the kitchen to make some drink. She had been taking care of the breakfast by herself more than a week. Making toast and coffee was surprisingly not that hard.
Jennie followed her. She stood near the kitchen island, observing Lisa.
The Doctor poured the black liquid to her mug. "Want some?" She offered. "it's not as good as yours. Nevertheless, it's better than nothing." She murmured the last sentence under her breath.
"What is wrong with you?" Jennie tilted her head.
"What do you mean? Am I making coffee look really weird?" Lisa laughed empty heartedly. She then took a sip of the coffee, letting the bittersweet taste ran down her throat.
"Are you hiding something from me?"
Lisa sighed. "No."
"You know I don't like it when you lie to me."
Lisa could feel the wave of rage surfacing. Because yeah, she had been hiding everything from Jennie. She hid her disappointment, she hid her longing, she hid her desire to touch her, she hid the urge to tell Jennie how her day was going because Jennie was freaking busy to give a damn about her.
"You know what? This is not a good time to talk about it." Her voice trembled.
"Why not? You've been acting strange lately and I need to know." The lawyer demanded.
"Oh do you really?" She snorted sarcastically.
"Lisa, I'm running out of time. I—"
"That is the freaking reason why I don't want to talk about it now!" She finally shouted." You. Don't. Have. The. Freaking. Time!" She empathized each word.
Jennie was taken aback by the sudden outburst. It scared her. Lisa had been nothing but gentle to her. Yes, they fought, sometimes they yelled to each other but this was another level. Lisa rarely lost her temper. When Lisa was mad, she would hug Jennie till she fell asleep and get better after she woke up. Now, Jennie doubted that'd be the case.
Her heart beat so hard as if she was looking at a monster instead of her lover.
The frightened look upon Jennie's face lessened her fury. Her breath was raging. Her hands were sweating. "I'm sorry." She spoke.
"Lisa, this is my job," Jennie said, trembling. "My responsibility," The tears were threatening at the corner of her eyes.
"Yeah." Lisa ran her fingers through her hair. "That's why you should go."
"Will you ever accept my job?"
"Jennie, not now."
"We can't constantly argue about this every time I get a big case to handle." She reasoned as gentle as she could.
"Jennie—"
"Things are heating up in the government. You know how sensitive this matter to public—"
"But I don't care, Jennie." She cut off wearily. "I don't care," Lisa's eyes were pleading for understanding. "I miss you and you're not here."
Jennie's phone rang in her grip. Lisa locked her eyes with her wife's, daring Jennie to pick it up. When she heard "hello", she knew this problem wasn't going to be over anytime soon.
"Lis—"
"I need to get ready," Lisa put the mug on the sink. "Be careful on your way."
Jennie was expecting a loud bang, but when she got a soft click instead, she realized how hurt Lisa now.
---
"Who's up for alcohol tonight?" Lisa set her feet on the table casually.
"Not me, I'm trying to get pregnant here. Don't even think to kidnap me." Jihyo bit her boiled carrot.
"You're no fun ever since you get back with Oppa." Lisa commented. "I'm counting on you, Chu."
"I'm in!" She agreed enthusiastically.
"Me too." Seulgi tossed her body onto sofa. "I need a lot of alcohol in my system."
"Call Sana, we might use her as the wing-woman," Seulgi suggested. If they were about to get wasted tonight, none of them were going to drive.
"Jihyo is going to be there too. No alcohol for you, just drink mineral water or whatever." Jisoo chimed in. "Seul, give me that pear."
"Why?"
"Your friend is heart broken and you don't even have a heart to cheer her up?" Jisoo skillfully caught the pear.
"What's with you and Jennie?"
"Don't mention her, not now."
"Ouch, that bad?"
"The worst in our history." Lisa caressed her temple.
"It's more than a week, though. You should make up by now."
"Can't. She doesn't care." Lisa harshly grabbed her lab coat, leaving her stunned friends behind the door.
----------