I sit here listening and my heart breaks
I'm listening and am consumed with overwhelming hatred
How can you do this to me?
I thought you loved me
Do you not?
What changed?
The harmony of your worship is piercing
It breaks through the walls around my heart
It breaks me down
It tears the brick and mortar apart and throws them on the ground unashamed
And it's not you
Or him
It's God
And my open vulnerable heart has bullets flying through it
The wall you tore down was protecting me
And now
My heart is bleeding until it's empty
I pick up a shell and see the signature
The scribbling of the enemy
Crafted with jealousy
Envy
Loneliness
Selfishness
Impatience
I drop down
I hold these shells in my hands and weep
No tears can clean the blood from the heavy weights in my palms
My heart may be empty and draining
But it's standing
It's beating
I cry out to my Lord
God
Where am I?
How has this happened?
No
God No
I don't understand
There's this pit
This knot
My heart was wrung out
A simple old ratty dish towel
Knotted up just to hang on the dishwasher
You didn't need to tie it there
Did you think it was going to run away?
You don't have to worry about that
It doesn't have the energy for that
It'll just hang there with a knot in it's neck
The knot in my neck
See I don't have the energy for running
Or struggling
Or trying
None of that
I'll let myself bleed
I'm not feeling anything anymore anyway
And then there's the guitar
And the voices
And the harmony
And I'm not there
The loneliness
And I'm not sitting next to someone
The jealousy
And I'm not singing
The envy
God
Where are these things?
The longings and desires of my heart?
The selfishness
Where are these things Lord?
Where?
The impatience
Where Lord?!
I will go and find them if You just tell me where they are!
The crying
The crying out to You
I'm stuck
The blood is filling
I'm weeping
Wailing
Crying
Screaming
The blood is rising
The tears are rising
My heart is drowning
I am drowning
Hung out to dry
God?