But she knows that yesterday had a severe impact on Carina and that's the reason why she's behaving like this, therefore Lily doesn't really have a reason to be upset with her. She needs time and space and if that's what she wants, then Lily will give it to her, no matter how much she wants to be let in. The last thing she wants is to lose or push Carina away.
They'll be okay.
Right?
--
Lily stayed outside of their dorm room door that entire morning. She didn't even think about going anywhere else. Hell, where would she go at 5:30 A.M anyways?
She sat with her back against the door, replicating exactly what Carina was doing on the other side. She could just barely hear the sounds of her girlfriend's crying the entire time and even though it was difficult to withstand, she still didn't get up and leave. What if Carina needed her? What if she suddenly opened the door with tears in her eyes and wanted Lily to comfort her?
Carina didn't though. She never opened the door.
Lily didn't think it were possible to be more drained than she was yesterday, but then again, she didn't think Carina would hurt her or ever treat her that coldly. Life just loves to prove her wrong.
Eventually, Lily fell asleep while sitting back against the door, hugging herself in a futile attempt at warming her body up. It was absolutely freezing in the hallway. She woke up with a crick in her neck and shoulders, goosebumps along her arms and legs, and her heart just as tired as before.
Lily doesn't know what time it is, but she has a pretty good indication that it was approaching 8 A.M based on the number of people she sees leaving their rooms to head off to their morning classes. Some of them gave her slightly odd looks, but one of her relative acquaintances in her math class stopped and asked her if she was alright. Lily tried to play it off and say she was fine, but anyone could tell that that wasn't the case. The friendly, dark-skinned girl just gave her a sympathetic smile before leaving to go on her own way.
After another half and hour or so, Lily presses her ear against the door and listens closely for Carina. Lily needs to come back inside. She can't just be kicked out forever.
So with hesitant and cautious knocks, Lily calls out, "C-Carina? Can you let me back in, please?"
She waits for a couple of moments. No response.
"Please?"
Nothing. She starts to think that maybe Carina is sleeping, but Lily hears the unmistakable sound of her sniffling. In fact, it sounds like she's standing right at the door.
"I promise I won't talk to you or anything," Lily mumbles half-heartedly. "I promise I'll leave you alone."
After what feels like hours, the door opens slowly and it reveals a miserable, exhausted, puffy-eyed Carina. There are even fresh tears in her eyes and Lily's heart cracks at the sight, knowing that her girlfriend was on the other side of the door, crying all night and she wasn't there to hold her and wipe them from her face.
Lily was dangerously close to breaking her promise and reaching out to pull Carina against her body because that's what she's been so accustomed to doing, but she instead stands there with her arms tense at her sides.
Carina lowers her gaze to the ground and steps aside, allowing Lily to walk inside, which she does. The door closes behind the two of them and Lily watches sadly as Carina drags her feet over to her bed, sliding under the covers, into a little ball.
For a split-second, Lily wished Carina never let her in. The sight of her in this state is so unbearably painful that it might have been better to have never seen her at all.
Lily wants to get her to talk and to express her feelings because she never wants Carina to ever feel like she's dealing with anything alone. It felt like shit being the target of her anger last night, but Lily is still more concerned about her. Carina wouldn't ever lash out at her like that for no reason.
Lily sighs to herself before proceeding to freshen herself up by following her daily morning routine. She herself doesn't have any class today, but Carina does. However, the older girl has a good feeling that she is not going to be leaving the comfort of her bed today.
She walks out of the bathroom about 45 minutes later and Carina still hasn't moved an inch. She would give anything to be able to hold her in her arms, but it's obvious that Carina really just wants to be alone right now so she has to respect and oblige by that.
Lily picks up her keys and phone and notices that she received a text from Naomi about an hour ago.
Naomi (8:52 AM): amanda told us about what happened but i didnt want to bother her. is she okay?
Lily was halfway in typing her reply when she realized that it would be a lot easier to talk to her about it in person. Besides, she is in need of a little comfort herself.
Lily (9:45 AM): i'm coming over there now. i dont have anywhere else to be anyways
Naomi returned her text a couple of minutes later, telling her that Desi is with her as well (unsurprisingly), which Lily is perfectly fine with. The more the merrier.
She's about to leave the room when she suddenly stops in her tracks and turns her head around to look at Carina again. She wants to say something to her. She wants to reassure her that she'll be okay but she promised she wouldn't talk.
Lily's eyes wander over to the pad of sticky notes on the desk and she doesn't hesitate to quietly walk over there and grab one. She takes a black pen from the handy dandy utensil cup and uncaps it. Then, she quickly scrawls a little note.
i love you so much and i'll be here if you need me. please don't forget that
-Lily
She attaches the note on top of her phone, which is resting on the surface of the end table beside her bed. Now Lily feels a tad bit better knowing that she was able to convey what she wanted Carina to know, even without the physical act of speaking. As long as she knows.
Lily then makes her way over to Naomi's room. It's a cloudy, gray day and unfortunately for her, the weather has always had a strong influence on her mood. When it's dreary and miserable outside, she can't help but feel the same. In the last couple of months, it didn't bother her as much because Carina knows that those are the days where she needs some love and affection the most. But it feels like shit now that Carina plays a part in her dejected mood.
Naomi opens the door after a couple seconds of her knocking and she looks at Lily gently for a moment before pulling her in for a hug. Lily has never been the best at hiding how she feels.
The green-eyed girl allows herself to nestle in her friend's warmth and she rests her chin on Naomi's shoulder, arms around her midsection. She spots Desi coming towards them, arms open wide, and before she knows it, Lily is getting squashed in a Desi and Naomi sandwich.
She smiles and laughs for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. "Thanks, I needed that."
Desi ruffles the top of her head playfully before smoothly sliding her arm across her shoulders and guiding her into the room. They all take a seat on the bed together with Lily in the middle.
"I don't like the sound of that or the look on your face," Desi frowns. "You alright?"
Lily shrugs feebly. "I assume Daniel and/or Amanda told you guys about what happened yesterday?" Naomi and Desi both nod. "Well, so, she ran off and I chased after her and she was crying her eyes out when we came back into the room. I held her for hours before she cried herself to sleep. But then this morning, I went to go check on her in the bathroom and she suddenly... like... I don't know honestly. She was being really cold towards me."
Lily frowns at the memory, the sound of Carina's bitter tone coming back into her mind.
"What do you mean by 'cold'?" Naomi asks, placing a hand over hers. "Did she say something in particular?"
"She was... just acting like she didn't want to have anything to do with me. I tried to touch her shoulder and face and she flinched and lashed out at me like I did something to her. Then she said, uhm, that she didn't want to talk to me and then she kicked me out of the room," Lily explains sadly, her voice soft.
Desi, with her arm still around Lily, pulls her in against her chest and rubs her upper arm. "I'm sorry to hear that," she whispers sincerely. "I think that maybe she's just incredibly overwhelmed and she doesn't know how to express herself and she's angry at the situation."
"And I don't blame her," Naomi chimes in, squeezing her hand. "Hell, I would be pissed at the world if I were Carina. She was put in a position of either coming out when she clearly wasn't ready, or to watch Daniel get ridiculed and harassed for something that wasn't his fault. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place. That's not fair to her and the fact that Alexus, world's biggest homophobe, was there to witness it... it fucking sucks.
Lily groans miserably. "I know, and I feel horrible that she had to go through with that so I don't blame her for being angry and upset, but I'm just confused as to why she's pissed at me. I just want to help her, you know? I want to hold her hand and be there by her side during this but she is just pushing me away. You should've seen the way she looked at me this morning... like I was the worst thing that ever happened to her."
"Don't you dare say that," Desi states firmly, moving her body back to look her square in the eyes. "Don't you ever say something like that, Lily. You and everyone else here knows damn well that you are the best thing that has ever happened to her and vice versa. I don't know what's going on with Carina, but I know she loves you. You guys always come back to each other. Just give her some time. I think that's what she really needs right now."
Lily gives her a small, appreciative smile. She knows Carina loves her, but it's easy to forget sometimes in the midst of their fights. She's glad Desi reminded her.
"Thank you," she hugs her warmly. "I just miss her. I'm used to being the one she turns to whenever she needs something or someone."
"I know," Naomi pats Lily's knee. "She'll come around. She always does."
Lily feels a little bit more hopeful than she did before arriving and she's so grateful for Desi and Naomi. She can always count on her friends to make her feel better, no matter the situation.
"I hope so."
-
Lily made her way over to Amanda's shortly after to see how she was doing. She didn't get a chance to talk to her about everything that happened even though she was there to witness it all.
It broke Lily's heart to hear Amanda express that she and Daniel feel so guilty for what happened. She said that if they were just a little bit more careful and a little bit more secretive, then Carina wouldn't have ever been put into the situation that she was in because they wouldn't have gotten caught kissing.
Lily tried her best to reassure her that it really was not their fault whatsoever, but it was evident on her face that she wasn't buying it. She feels wholly responsible for what happened.
But none of them are to blame. The only people who they should be angry towards are the ones who couldn't keep their nose out of their business as well as those who made Carina terrified of coming out. It's their fault for making her feel the way she feels.
Lily spent the majority of the rest of the day with Amanda in her room. She needed some company and Amanda did as well so they spent hours watching movies, listening to music, dancing like idiots, and stuffing their faces. She has not had quality time to just hang out with Amanda alone in God knows how long and she missed it a lot. But damn, for someone so small, that girl has so much energy. It was like babysitting a 5-year-old.
It did help Lily get her mind off of her little fallout with Carina though, which she's incredibly grateful for. If she were alone the whole day, she would have just been repeating the events of this morning until it drove her mad.
But when it was time for her to go back to her room, she was almost scared to do so. She doesn't want to go back if Carina doesn't want her there. It's hard not being wanted by someone you crave more than anything.
However, Lily knows she can't avoid her forever. They're going to have to confront the situation sooner or later. So she pushed aside her hesitation and fears and opened her door.
She sees Carina sitting with her back against her headboard with her legs stretched out in front of her. Her eyes are closed and her headphones are covering her ears, the faint sound of the music bleeding from it.
Carina obviously didn't hear Lily enter in, so she simply sighs and lets her be. She changes her clothes and brushes her teeth before crawling into bed without Carina acknowledging her for a single second.
Lily never realized just how much she hated sleeping alone until she slept in Carina's arms for the first time.
-
Any hope that Lily had of Carina cheering up and eventually coming back to her dwindled with each passing day where the younger girl didn't say a word to her. Lily hasn't heard her voice in about five days now and she's driving herself crazy.
It's not like they've never gotten into any silent fights before where they would completely ignore each other, but this time it's not even a "fight" where one person fucked up. Lily still has absolutely no clue as to why Carina is acting the way she is towards her. She desperately wants to know, but she's worried that might push her away even more.
If that were even possible.
Lily misses her. She misses her touch, her voice, her kiss, her smile-everything. She's still the same Carina as she's always been, but at the same time, she couldn't be more different.
Lily, being as protective as she is, would watch out for Carina from afar across campus when she would be heading off to class. But her head and eyes would always be facing down at her feet. Her usual radiating confidence has diminished into practically nothing, even now with nothing to hide.
Based on what Lily has seen, no one has bothered her. Some of them will glance a little bit longer than necessary, but that's as far as she's seen people go. No one that she knows of has messed with her or given her a hard time. The only one who is really doing that is herself.
It's hard every day she doesn't talk to her, but on this particular day, she feels worse than ever.
It's their one-month anniversary.
Lily silently cried herself to sleep when the clock struck midnight last night and they were on separate sides of the room with their backs faced against each other. She's not sure if Carina heard, but if she did, she definitely didn't care. If they weren't in the situation that they are in, she would have smothered Carina with hugs and kisses, but they're anything but fine.
She would be lying if she said that a part of her didn't wish for Carina to mention something today, but she never did. Nothing about today was different than the past week.
Lily was distracted the entire day because of her mind's preoccupation with Carina. She couldn't focus on anything, no matter what she tried to do. Now it's 8 o'clock at night and she's looking at the back of Carina's head as she sits at the desk, no longer fighting the tears.
How is she so good at not speaking to her? How is she so good at shutting her out? How is she so good at making Lily feel like she doesn't love her anymore?
Lily wipes her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt and the next thing she knows, she's standing up and walking towards her. She's given her time and space in order to prevent from pushing her away, but that's exactly what is happening.
She sniffles and her voice cracks as she calls out her name. "Carina?
The younger girl abruptly stops writing in her notebook. She's listening.
Lily has so many things that she wants to say to her now, but the thing that slips out first is, "I miss you."
Carina doesn't turn around to look at her nor does she say anything and that offends Lily a lot more than she would have liked. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.
"Can you please tell me what I did wrong?" she tries hopelessly, staring down at the top of Carina's head. She can't remember the last time she's looked into her eyes.
Carina's fingers start to fidget on the surface of the desk, a clear sign that she's uncomfortable and that she wants Lily to leave. But she's tired of leaving her alone. That's all she's fucking done this entire week
Now pure frustration is coursing throughout Lily's body. If she's going to be acting like this, at least have the guts to tell her why. Lily runs her fingers through her hair roughly, face flushed with anger. She's tried her best to be calm and she's tried her best to be patient with Carina, but she can't continue to wait for something that clearly isn't going to happen. She needs to take matters into her own hand now.
" God damn it! Aren't you going to say anything ?" Lily shouts, releasing the pent up emotions that built up inside of her. She would feel guilty for yelling, but right now, she couldn't care less.
She was taken by surprise when Carina aggressively slams her palms on the desk loudly and stands up. She turns around and finally looks at her with her face red and visibly pissed off.
"What do you fucking want me to say?" Carina throws her arms up exasperatedly. The venomous tone in her words makes Lily take a step back. At least she finally got her to react.
"What the hell did I do to get you so mad at m-"
" Everything , Lily!" Carina blows up, bringing her face right up to Lily's. She can explicitly see the tears welling up in the younger girl's eyes and the exhaustion and hostility written across her features. "God, you fucking ruined everything ."
Lily's eyebrows furrow and her jaw drops slightly in complete disbelief and confusion. She takes another step back, intimidated by Carina's wrath.
"W-what... what are you even talking about right now? I haven't done anything to you! I've been by your side since day one!"
"And that's exactly the problem," Carina replies without another thought. She's never looked or sounded more serious before. " You're the problem. I-I was perfectly fine without you in my life and I was perfectly fine without anyone knowing about my sexuality. No one gave me shit about it. No one suspected anything. I didn't feel pressured in any way about coming out. Until you came along."
Lily doesn't know where she found the courage and the strength to stand there and endure her words, each one feeling like a stab to the heart. She can't seem to do anything except to just take it head-on.
Carina clenches her jaw tightly and her breathing grows unsteady. And just when Lily thought she said all that she needed to say, Carina takes a deep breath and puts Lily's heart out of its misery.
"Falling in love with you was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me."
Lily tries to swallow back the lump in her throat as she closes her fists, forcing back the relentless tears in her eyes and the sob that's desperate to slip out. She rips her eyes away from Carina's, feeling like she's on the verge of passing out. Blood pounds in her ears, but it isn't enough to block out the deafeningly sound of Carina's words ringing repeatedly in her head.
Lily's body reacts before her mind can and she turns herself around, swiping to gather up her keys and jacket with uncontrollable, trembling hands. She has to get out of here. She can't physically handle being in this room with her right now.
Then Lily looks to face Carina once more, squeezing her car keys in her hands as a few tears fall from her eyes. She can't read Carina's expression, but she's certain that Carina doesn't feel anything remotely close to the agonizing pain burning inside of her right now.
"Happy one-month anniversary to you, too," Lily manages to choke out, right before she leaves the room.