Carina winces as she rolls her neck around and massages her incredibly tense and sore shoulders. Waking up this morning after a couple of hours of sleeping on the couch in the lounge room was horrible and for the first time ever, she's actually tired. She's always been the type of person who is able to wake up after only an hour of sleep and feel perfectly fine and energized. Now she feels groggy, cranky, and drained. And there is without a shadow of a doubt that she's feeling this way because of her argument with Lily last night.
Carina doesn't think she's ever been as upset over someone as she was with Lily, but that's only because she's never met someone she cared for more. Emotions were at an all-time high and Lily let all of her anger and frustrations out, but Carina's glad that she did.
Lily has always been so passive about everything. Carina had no idea about the things that she was feeling because Lily always dismissed them and pretended like it didn't bother her, but she stuck up for herself last night. It might have wounded Carina in the process, yeah, but Lily's been wounded this entire time and Carina wasn't even aware. She feels so guilty about that. She's been so inconsiderate in terms of Lily's feelings but now that Carina knows about them, she can try to make it up to her. She just hopes that Lily will forgive her.
There's no guarantee that Lily will even want to talk to her again. After all, she practically dismissed the notion that they should work things out with her whole statement about "the universe disallowing them to be together." Carina hopes to God that Lily doesn't actually believe that. They didn't stumble into each other's lives by accident. This is too strong of a coincidence to mean nothing. If anything, the universe wants them to be together.
With a heavy, tired heart and slumped shoulders, Carina opens her door and shyly looks at Lily, who is in the process of putting her backpack on her back. She's getting ready for her first class of the day whereas Carina still has a couple of hours before hers.
But Lily looks awful. Her eyes are puffy, hair is a mess, skin pale, and her nose is red. She looks like she didn't get a second of sleep and on top of that, she looks sick and miserable. And Carina is sure of it when she sniffles and her nose is stuffy.
Carina frowns deeply. "Are you okay?"
Lily doesn't reply to her. In fact, she doesn't acknowledge her in any way. It's as if Carina is completely nonexistent.
Carina looks down at her shoes sadly and stuffs her hands in her pocket as she drags her feet across the floor to her bed, avoiding eye contact with Lily. Then a few seconds later, the door opens and closes and Carina is back to feeling lonelier than ever.
Lily is clearly still upset. Carina's not necessarily surprised, but that doesn't mean she's not disheartened by it. She hates knowing Lily is upset and she hates it even more knowing that Lily is upset with her . She must feel like shit mentally and physically.
Carina wonders if there is anything she can do to help. This thing that they're both going through doesn't mean that she still doesn't care about Lily more than anything and she wants to help her in any way that she can. And right now, Lily seems like she's in need of some of her favorite candy, her favorite drink, and some medicine to make her feel a little bit better.
--
Carina walks back up to her room from her car with one hand holding a plastic bag containing an assortment of various things with the other hand holding a scorching cup of hot chocolate. She checks her watch and sees that it's a little past 10 AM, so Lily should be back in the room. Or at least she hopes so.
Cautiously opening the door, Carina just barely pokes her head in the room to see that Lily is inside. She is sitting with her back against the headboard, face still as gloomy as ever. They make rather awkward and silent eye contact for a few seconds before Lily reverts her attention back to her phone.
Don't get too discouraged, Carina thinks to herself. It was kind of expected that Lily wouldn't pay her any mind, but Carina's not here to bribe her or anything. She literally just wants to take care of her a little bit.
So, forcing herself not to frown, Carina timidly saunters towards Lily's side of the room and carefully places the cup of hot chocolate on her end table, followed by a box of Reese's Pieces, a pack of tissues, a bottle of water, and some cold medicine. Carina's cheeks warm when she can practically feel Lily's eyes watching her face the entire time.
And she would stay for a bit, but she herself has to get to class so without a single word exchanged between them, Carina gathers up all of her things and heads back out. Hopefully her little gesture just now will show Lily that no matter what kind of bullshit is happening between them, Carina will still always care about her. Lily could hate her and Carina would still care.
Amanda suddenly appears out of the corner of Carina's eye on the way to class and the two girls hug each other politely.
"Hey!" she greets cheerily, her grin radiant and contagious. "Is Lily alright? She looked kind of shitty in class earlier."
As much as Carina trusts and adores Desi, Naomi, and Amanda, it's probably best to keep things just between them right now. So, instead, she replies, "Uhm, Lily just caught a cold or something last night." That's not technically a lie. She's simply not telling Amanda everything .
"Oh," Amanda frowns a bit. "Well, you take good care of her for me, alright?"
Carina smiles for the first time in over a day. "Always."
Amanda winks and pats her arm gently before she goes off in the opposite direction merrily. She's the type of person that will always leave you feeling so nice and warm after just a simple conversation with her. Amanda exudes nothing but ease and comfort and it's impossible not to smile at least once around her. Carina's grateful for her, especially now. She feels a little bit more positive about things now.
That is until she makes it back into her dorm after class to find that everything that she bought for Lily is left completely untouched. Everything looks the exact same way it did when Carina put it there and now she doesn't even try to hide the deep frown forcing its way upon her face. Lily is currently asleep now, so Carina can visibly sulk as much as she wants.
Is Lily really that upset with her that she won't even accept Carina's gesture of trying to take care of her? It's not like she had the intention of this being like some sort of peace offering or bribe. She would've done the exact same thing for Amanda, Desi, and/or Naomi in a heartbeat.
But Lily obviously doesn't want to have anything to do with Carina right now so she might as well just leave her alone and let her sleep. Besides, she needs a friend right now. And she knows exactly who to go to.
-
"Thanks for meeting me," Carina mumbles against Daniel's shirt as they exchange a hug near the fountain at the front of the school. "I've been having a bad day."
"Of course," he pats her cheek lightly. "What are fake boyfriends for?"
That wins a laugh from Carina and she lightly punches him on the arm. She and Daniel then take a seat on the stone structure of the fountain, the sound of gentle splashing of water behind them. There are only a handful of other people here, but they're nothing to worry about. They're minding their own business, as they should be.
"So," Daniel begins again, his golden eyes covered behind sunglasses, "why is this day so awful for you? Is everything alright?"
"Uhm..." Carina's quiet as she looks down at her lap. Daniel smoothly hooks an arm around her shoulders, encouraging her to go on. "Well, Lily and I aren't really in the best place right now."
"You don't have to tell me everything if you don't want to, but what happened?"
Carina lets out a quiet sigh before she delves into a quick rundown of last night's events. "We got into a little fight and she was more upset than I've ever seen before. I've hurt her a lot, which I absolutely hate myself for, but I didn't mean to. I never intentionally want to hurt Lily, but unfortunately I have.
"But the thing is that I told her from the beginning that we couldn't be together yet because I don't feel like I can be that person she wants me to be and she was getting frustrated because of that. I told her that she deserves to be shown off to the world and I can't do that just yet, no matter how fucking much I want to. I just... I know that Lily wants someone who will put her first, but I can't do that without subjecting myself to extreme anxiety. I messed up when I said that it was okay to be seen with her that one day when it wasn't. That was a horrible call on my part and she suffered because of that. I shouldn't have said that I was ready when I wasn't 100% certain that I was."
Daniel nods his head slowly as he listens intently to Carina. He takes a moment to gather up a response before he says, "right now, I think that Lily just wants you to prove to her that she can trust you again. I think that after that whole incident that happened, she kind of lost that trust that she had for you. That was a big step that you tried to take, Carina, and she gave you the benefit of the doubt and it kind of backfired, you know? So she's hurt, of course she is, but I know she adores you. I don't think I told you this, but I took her back into your room after that and she was so sad over it. I think she's just extra guarded right now in order to prevent from you hurting her again, even if you don't mean to. You mean a lot to her. We take things more personally if they mean something to us.
"However," he continues quietly as he shifts his position to allow Carina's head to rest against his collarbone, "I don't think that it is quite fair for her to expect and want so much out of you in such a short amount of time. Lily should understand that none of this is easy for you. If it were that simple, you guys would be together right now and everyone would know about you two. And if you did tell Lily from the beginning that you weren't ready, then she should understand that. She may not like it, but she shouldn't try to rush or pressure you into this. I know she's hurting, but she has to know that you are hurting too."
Carina absorbs everything that Daniel is saying to her. And she appreciates him for all of his words. He's not trying to be biased nor is he trying to pick sides. He's playing a neutral third-party, which is allowing for Carina to see things from Lily's eyes as well.
It makes sense that Lily probably lost the trust that she had in Carina after the shit that went down with Samantha and all of a sudden leaving her by herself like that. And Lily was hesitant when it came to believing that Carina was ready, but she agreed anyways. Lily has a tough time trusting people in general and Carina probably was that one person she thought that she could count on for anything and it makes her feel terrible for neglecting it.
Then Carina catches sight of Naomi and Desi on the other side of the field. They're sitting down on the grass beside each other with their hands intertwined. Even from here, Carina is able to see the blush on Desi's cheeks. But let's be real. When is she not blushing when she's around Naomi?
Suddenly Desi starts to freak out and she starts screaming blood murder at something on the ground - probably a bug - and she scrambles up on top of Naomi's lap like a scared little monkey. Desi's legs are pulled up to her chest and her arms are wrapped tightly around Naomi's neck like she's holding on for dear life. Once Desi realizes what she just did, she appears to be rambling and apologizing for unexpectedly climbing on top of her, but Naomi simply just grins and sweetly kisses her cheek, shutting her up completely.
Carina smiles to herself as she watches the carefree attitudes of her two friends. " That's what I want," she mumbles.
"What'd you say?" Daniel asks.
Carina tilts her chin up to see him raising an eyebrow curiously. "Oh, I was just looking at Naomi and Desi over there across the field and their relationship is what I want to have with Lily. Well, they aren't dating or anything like that yet, but they might as well be considered a couple. They act like one, that's for sure. And as long as they have each other, then no one else exists in this world and they don't give two flying fucks about what anyone else thinks. I wish I could give Lily that. I wish... I wish that I could give her what she deserves."
Daniel sighs sympathetically and rests his chin on the top of her head. "Who says you can't? Maybe not now, but no one said that you couldn't eventually. And if you ask me, there's no one else that deserves her more than you."
--
The next couple of days are miserable. Carina and Lily haven't spoken and on the rare occasion that they do, it's just a couple words and it's only when absolutely necessary. But other than that, that's it.
Carina can't help but be reminded of back before they were friends where any interactions between them were short and curt. But the biggest difference between then and now is that she didn't care if they didn't speak much then, and now it's killing her. She misses Lily so much.
She misses the late night talks, the dopey 2 AM smiles, the belly aching laughter, the shy touches, the subtle glances. She misses seeing the wide grin on Lily's face and knowing she caused it. She misses feeling like Lily actually wants to be with her. Now it's like she's doing what she can to avoid her.
And it sucks. It really just sucks being around her in the room, but that's as close as they'll get to each other. Now she understands the whole "so close but so far away" phrase.
It's now midnight and they're both in their room on their individual beds. And of course, they aren't speaking.
Carina just finished her homework and she shuts down her laptop before sliding it underneath her bed. She opens up the Tumblr app on her phone and the first person she sees on her dashboard is Lily. Glancing over for a split second, she sees Lily's thumb absentmindedly sliding across her phone, eyes fixated on the screen.
Carina heart rate starts increasing in anticipation once an idea pops into her head. It's a long shot, but frankly, Carina's desperate.
She clicks on Lily's profile and with unsteady thumbs, she types in her message.
gilded-bannanna: i miss you
Carina sends it and immediately she looks over at Lily from the corner of her eyes. Her movements pause for a moment as she is undoubtedly reading the message.
But then Carina's heart drops when Lily simply just locks her phone and sets it on the table before throwing the blanket over her head.
Carina stares at her in the darkness for a moment, feeling her eyes swell up with tears. She doesn't quite know what she was expecting when she sent her the message, but she wasn't expecting her to just blatantly ignore her like that.
Now not seeing much reason to stay up anymore, she follows after Lily's lead and pulls the blanket up over her head as well. She buries her face in her pillow, trying her best to silence her soft crying.
It's getting hard to fight for someone who doesn't want to be fought for.