The back lounge was empty when they walked in which was practically a miracle, usually the crew boys would be hanging out in their boxers playing Xbox. She presumed this was due predominantly to the early hour, the boys weren’t early risers (there was innuendo in there somewhere).
The rain pounded on the window at the back of the bus, the sound was loud and for that she was grateful. Privacy in such close confines was uncommon, she had an image of Dinah with her ear pressed against the door trying to listen in.
It was approaching winter and the weather continued to worsen the closer they got to the east coast. Subsequently the heat had been turned up so high that the back of the bus had reached sauna levels. She discarded her blanket/cape on the couch and turned to Camila.
The younger girl was looking out of the window, her silhouette made a beautiful portrait outlined against the downpour outside. Lauren remembered her mother saying to her, ‘Lauren, some people feel the rain, others just get wet.’ But she felt it, she always felt it.
Nerves suddenly encroached, she breathed out a shuddery breath. Maybe she could put this off until after the tour, that was possible right? She mentally slapped herself, get it together Jauregui! Fuck it, here goes nothing!
‘I have feelings for you.’ Much like they had earlier, the words fell from her lips like rain from the sky, unconsciously and destined to make an impact.
She saw Camila flinch slightly, almost as if the words had literally rained down upon her, but she remained steadfastly looking into the distance. Lauren made her way over and looked out into the tumultuous weather, mirroring Camila. They were parallel lines again.
‘I’m guessing you already knew that but…I think about you all the time, everyday –like an alarming amount. What you said, what you wore, how you smiled. It’s constant. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about you, and when I do, I dream about you. Always about you.’ She finished quietly. The relief washed over her.
She watched as the rain fell over and over, the repetitiveness becoming almost cathartic in the tense atmosphere.
‘Say something. Please.’
She heard Camila suck in a large breath. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Seriously? You’re the one who wanted to talk.’
‘I know,’ Camila said, sounding frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair turning fractionally towards Lauren, enough that she could see a shimmer of tears in her eyes, ‘ but now it’s actually happening I’m starting to freak out.’
‘Well as long as it’s not ‘missing sock’ levels of freak-out, then we’re okay.’ Lauren said, attempting to lighten the mood, Camila’s responding smile was a small confirmation.
‘How do you do that?’
‘Do What?’
‘Make me smile when I feel like crying.’
Lauren shrugged, the gesture pointless as they both remained looking out of the window. She understood Camila’s reaction, there would be no running into each other’s arms through a field in super slow-mo, and this was a problem.
‘What are we going to do Lauren?’
The foreboding in Camila’s voice was prominent, it made Lauren realise that Camila was just as terrified as she was, more so maybe.
There were so many obstacles in their way they were doomed to failure before they even began. She knew from Camila’s question that they shared the same worries, and they weren’t little mole hills, they were mountains. Big mountains.
Lauren knew that press relations and management would never let them date, ultimately they were controlled by the record company and the record company wanted money. Management believe allowing two band members to date could be counterproductive, especially being a same-sex couple. It was frustrating but unfortunately this was the world they lived in, anything controversial lost them a certain demographic, which in turn would lose them money.
She could see it now, herself and Camila sat in the Epic Records company office telling them they were together, the big bosses asking what would happen if they broke up, how it would fracture the group, cause bad chemistry, tension. A guy in a suite pulling out a contract they signed during Xfactor prohibiting inter-group relationships. Goddamn it! She knew she should have read those terms and Conditions.
However, they could persuade management that in would be productive; they’d gain a new set of fans perhaps. A large majority of their fans already shipped ‘Camren’ to an almost startling degree and come on, this isn’t the dark ages, and society was cool with the whole gay thing now right?
‘I don’t know Camz, maybe we could start by you telling me how you feel? It’s kind of a one way street right now, I’m feeling sorta exposed.’
‘You know how I feel.’
‘I really don’t Camilla.’ Lauren said, stepping into Camila’s space.
‘It’s…I. Urgh.’ Camila ran her hands through her hair and turned to look at Lauren. ‘It’s like gravity or something, when I’m around you there’s this pull, y’know?’ Lauren nodded, god did she know. ‘I’ve never felt anything like this before,’ she looked down to the floor, Lauren saw tears pooling in her eyes, ‘and it terrifies me, because this is new and real…and there’s nothing I can do about it.’
Even though it had been heavily implied, through innuendo and riddles and looks that spoke volumes, Camila’s declaration still utterly stunned her.
The younger girl still wouldn’t meet her eye; she looked despondent, confused – lost like a tear in the rain. As soon as Lauren saw the first tear drop from mocha eyes, she made a choice; she wasn’t giving up on them. Fuck management!
Lauren reached out; she grabbed a fistful of Camila’s shirt and pulled the younger girl towards her in one quick tug. She wrapped her arms around Camila’s shoulders and pulled tight, causing them to press against each other completely.
Lauren’s slight height advantage meant that Camila could easily tuck her head under Lauren’s chin and rest easily against Lauren’s shoulder.
She marvelled at the feeling of Camila’s weight resting upon her shoulder, it made a beautiful contrast to the weight of the world she had been carrying there recently.
Arms still at her sides, Camila dipped her head down further so that her forehead rested on Lauren’s shoulder and her nose pressed lightly against Lauren’s exposed collarbone.
She jumped slightly when she felt the delicate press of Camila’s fingers on her t-shirt covered stomach; they crawled clumsily around her sides at an agonisingly slow pace. Lauren could feel them shaking as they crept underneath her open flannel shirt before connecting around her back, creating the most profound hug she had ever experienced. In fact, it couldn’t even be classed as a hug, a hug was something shared by friends and family. This was different, it was close. Intimate. She was holding Camila and Camila was holding her.
Lauren let her hand slip under Camila’s long, dark hair to the back of her neck and scratched her blunt nails up and down slowly. The shuddered breath hitting her collarbone let her know Camila like the action, suddenly this thing between them felt so tangible.
Camila shifted and (somehow) brought them closer, her hands trailed further up Lauren’s back leaving a burning path in their wake. She felt so warm, so soft and so perfect against her. Flattened against her, poured upon her. Lauren felt Camila like she felt the rain.
When Camila nuzzled into her neck Lauren felt a spike of something jolt through her spine. The younger girl’s nose moved slowly up the length of Lauren’s neck following her jugular, and then suddenly Camila’s lips were against her neck. Not kissing, just resting lightly against the skin.
The jolt from earlier returned at the contact, this time she recognised it as arousal. It caused an eruption of goose bumps across her whole body. She bit down hard on her bottom lip, as her own hand at the base of Camila’s neck surged upwards scratching up along her scalp, her fingers raking through impossibly silky hair.
The action caused Camila’s mouth to open in a soundless gasp and unexpectedly the young Cuban was pressing an open-mouthed kiss to her pulse point and bunching Lauren’s t-shirt in her tiny fists. Lauren felt a groan deep in her throat, threaten to be vocalised, her whole body was on fire.
Things had escalated a little quickly, Lauren realised. She stepped back to loosen their embrace but kept her hands on Camila’s shoulders she took a few deep breathes to calm her racing heart. The sound of the rain intensified but she couldn’t concentrate on anything but Camila.
Lauren had had relationships in the past, boyfriends with whom she had kissed and…done other things with, and yet nothing had felt as intimate as what had just transpired between herself and Camila. That was how she knew there was no way she was giving up on them.
‘Maybe this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.’ Lauren spoke, her voice raspy and thick with emotion, she removed her hands from Camila feeling vulnerable and shy all of a sudden.
Camila eyed her, intrigued. ‘…go on.’ She prompted.
‘Well, I mean, we could just take this really slow, and if it’s working we could…just go from there.’ Lauren offered.
‘When you say slow, how slow are you talking?’
Lauren grinned, ‘Well I was going to propose marriage, but…’
‘You’re hilarious.’ Camila deadpanned.
Lauren reached out and linked her index finger with Camila’s, ‘As slow as you like.’ She said sincerely. ‘What do you think?’
Camila smiled warmly, ‘I think that slow is good.’
Lauren smiled then looked out into the darkened skies, watching as the raindrops fell from the clouds. She imagined falling in love with Camila was a lot like falling rain, but what was the point in loving her if she wasn’t going to risk the fall? She took another look at the rain, it was falling hard, Camila squeezed her finger, and so was she.