Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: The Holiday

Chapter Two: The Flight

After about three more hours of Tanith and China fighting and Fletcher asking are we there yet she was on her breaking point.

A flight attendant offered her a snack and Valkyrie choose a chocolate bar.

She hadn’t realized how hungry she was until she had eaten that chocolate bar so she had got another one and another one.

Pretty soon her seat was covered in discarded chocolate bar wrappers and her face and hands were covered in chocolate.

Skulduggery watched, amused, as Valkyrie ate her fifteenth chocolate bar.

“Aren’t you thirsty?” he said.

Valkyrie licked her hand and nodded.

Skulduggery laughed when she got a can mountain dew and drank so fast that some of it pooled down her shirt.

She started to sputter and cough and Skulduggery had to go to the bathroom to get some paper towels so that she could clean up.

When he got there a man was trying to light a cigarette and that was illegal on a plane.

“Excuse me, but could you put out that cigarette? I’ve got a fourteen year old girl back there and I really don’t like the idea of having to rush her to the hospital with severe burns after this plane catches fire and burns.

“Especially since you are right now standing next to that rack of highly flammable paper towels.

The man looked at him.

“And how do you know that they are flammable?” he asked.

“Because I am me and because that box that has more in them says highly flammable, do not have flame near this product for fear of fire being started.”

The man took a long drag of the cigarette, “oh yeah? What are you? A cop?”

“Detective actually, and I need you to put that out within the next five seconds otherwise I will have to use force.”

“Oh yeah? Well whacha ya gonna do about it?”

Skulduggery stepped into the bathroom and shut and locked the door.

“One,” he said and punched the man in the jaw.

The man stumbled back but the bathroom was the size of postage stamp so he crashed into the toilet.

Skulduggery followed it up with a right cross and cracked his elbow into the man’s temple.

The man groaned.

There was a knock on the door and Skulduggery opened it to see a still wet Valkyrie.

“Here you go,” Skulduggery said cheerfully and gave her a box of paper towels.

Valkyrie took the box and frowned; peered behind Skulduggery and said, “Why did you beat up that man?”

“Because I felt like it.”

Skulduggery shut the door, turned back to the man and took out some handcuffs.

“Your daughter?” the man said.

“Nope,” Skulduggery knelt down next to the man and shackled him to an exposed pipe under the sink. Then he fished through the man’s pockets until he found the rest of the cigarettes and flushed them down the toilet.

He stood up, walked out of the bathroom, put up an ‘Out of Order’ sign then straightened his tie and walked back to his seat.

When he got back Valkyrie was dry and watching another movie.

He sat back down and started to watch the movie with Valkyrie when, for the 368th time, (and yes they were counting) “are we there yet?”

“NO!!!” Valkyrie and Skulduggery both whipped around at the same time.

Fletcher yelped and jumped in his seat.

Skulduggery took a deep breath, “how about you find something to do Fletcher?”

Fletcher was quiet for a few moments then nodded.

“Good,” Skulduggery and Valkyrie turned back to the movie.

A few moments later they were jarred in their seats by a something slamming into the back of the seat.

They looked at each other than shrugged.

A few seconds later there was another kick.

Valkyrie and Skulduggery looked at each other again.

“Well at least he isn’t saying ‘are we there yet?’ over and over again,” Valkyrie said as another kick jolted her seat.

This went on for the next ten hours.

After those ten hours the kicking stopped and Valkyrie leaned her head against the window and fell asleep.

She was awoken by Skulduggery shaking her awake.

She blinked her eyes sleepily and sat up and stretched.

“We’re here,” Skulduggery said.